Came home from work and got the dog, so he could ride along with me to the grocery store. My waw always did the grocery shopping so it felt a little weird to be honest (I know that sounds silly but it's the truth).
I've noticed that I'm feeling a little angry. I guess that's to be expected as I process this stuff. I like the anger MUCH better than the depression and anxiety.
I took this week off from the gym due to my anxiety and how tired I was but I am going full-bore next week. Picked up some more protein powder and I'm hoping I can channel some of this anger in the gym.
Abandoning myself... I think you're on to something. I've always placed my self worth in my partners hands.
In fact, I've never been single for more than 3 months. I too, placed unreasonable expectations on WAW and then would get angry if she couldn't fill my needs.
Its truly selfish to be honest.
How did you go about correcting that, Zeus?
I had to.
Have you seen the movie "Inside Out"? Watch it if you haven't.
I realized that I dissociated from my emotions since around age 11. My 11 year old emotional self was locked in a closet. When it cried for attention I turned up the radio and drown it out. I didn't acknowledge my emotions for quite a long time. When they bubbled over it came out only as pain/anger, I that I dispersed by turning it into energy to practice pool and be a killer.
Now I know that when I feel lonely, those are my emotions. I spent months of literally imagining that 11 year old child voicing the words that matched my feelings. "I am lonely", or "I am scared", or whatever. It took me a while to even know the words because I had become so out of touch. I had to start leaving myself voice memos when I felt things. My IC told me to start vague, if I couldn't name the feeling could I at least say if it was good or bad? Then narrow it down. Eventually I could recognize my feelings, why I felt that way, and oftentimes uncover distorted thinking or views that led to those thoughts.
I'm not all better. But it's night and day from where I was for far too long. I feel ok. The war inside of myself has stopped. It might be a false positive as well, being single has reduced a ton of pressure. There is no partner to get caught in a cycle with. It feels like such a relief after what I've been through. Am I better? Or am I just ready to go down the drain of another destructive cycle when I find my next partner? Who knows. Maybe both. That's why I'm ok being on my own. It's safe where I'm at right now.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You basically described how I feel in a nutshell but I've never been able to articulate it like that.
I was 10 years old when the sun stopped shining. My sister was killed in a car accident. My mother had to be heavily medicated for a year and my father coped by working 80 work weeks. I developed an intense fear of abandonment.
That's probably why I ended up dating an alcoholic. I never set out looking for an alcoholic but somehow I attracted one. There's no way an alcoholic could leave me, I was her knight in shining armor and I was going to help her clean up her act. And I did support her through her sobriety, but I thought that meant she would owe me as a result. I help you get cleaned up and you love me back and never leave. Pretty twisted.
So when she did leave, I was completely and utterly shell shocked. She owed me! I guess it doesn't work that way. Logically, when I think about things, I easily see the error of my ways. But put me in a relationship, and my subconsience takes over and all logic goes out the window.
Zues, you got me thinking tonight. Thanks for sharing your story.
I forgot to mention, that when my WAW left, it feels almost identical to how I felt when I was 10 years old. Looks like I have some work ahead of me.
It seems our childhood traumas tend to keep playing themselves out in our lives.
My mother died when I was a young teen. My dad dedicated himself to drinking, and my older sibling had just moved away. It was a pretty lonely time.
I think we try to heal our pasts through our later relationship, through the love of our partner, but somehow the story ends up the same, however much we think we've chosen differently.
H and I were probably attracted because we both have these issues - his background is different but has left him feeling similarly. It's a tall order to expect another person to fix those wounds.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thornton, I was so sad to read about your sister's accident. That is an awful thing to have happened, and incredibly hard for your family to cope with. My brother sadly took his own life 20+ years ago, and it was tough for me for a good while - and I was older and more equipped to handle it.
I think the posts above are helpful though, and it is good that you are becoming more aware of patterns of behaviour and previous dynamics in your R. The worst thing that can happen is we keep going around the same loop - as Painter said - trying to heal our past through our relationships.
Wonka posted recently on Pink's thread (MLC) about sitting on the sofa with 'hurting child' Pink - understanding what she needs and how she can be looked after. It popped into my head when I was reading the posts above.
I think you sound a little brighter and more focused on you, which is progress considering it's early days for you. Take care my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Not much new to report. I've been NC since Monday (story of my life). We really don't have much to talk about or anything that keeps us connected besides her stuff at the house.
I'm a little apprehensive about the weekend and having a lot of time on my hands. I know I need to try and keep busy but I've been so exhausted from lack of sleep. I might just have to rent some movies and take it easy. We'll see.
I'm also beating myself up a little bit for being in this predicament. I have a case of the "what ifs". What if I would have been a better listener? What if I would have given her more space? I know it serves me no purpose but it still crosses my mind.
What I say is going to sound very harsh and unsympathetic and it's not that way.
I M a compulsive gambler, who is an alcoholic, smoker and womaniser.
I have no history of this in my life or family or previous Rs. I thought I didn't have an issue until I understood I was a carer type and was vulnerable. WH addiction was in control of both of us.
Your gf is an alcoholic, she gaslighted. She conned you. She was drinking and pretending she wasn't, you bought a house on the misapprehension she was clean and she knew it. She wishes to continue drinking and she wants you to enable it or she will live on her own- emotional blackmail. This is pure manipulation and you are not dealing with your gf but the imp of addiction inside her. THIS IS WHAT ALCOHOLICS DO, your gf is behaving like an alcoholic because she is addicted. It has hold of her. It is her choice and you can do nothing to stop it, she has to decide and clearly she tells herself she can manage it because she wishes to keep on drinking. It's ok not to trust her around alcohol, trust and love are different. Both are choices, it isn't sensible to trust an alcoholic around alcohol!
Alcoholism destroys lives and one of those could be yours.
You are at risk and need extreme self care at this point. Extreme.
Sobriety is near on impossible if she is in denial about her drinking which she certainly is.
If you ever piece then AA should be mandatory in my view. Sobriety is a tough gig.
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Go to AlAnon immediately, you will know much more. There are a couple of things firstly your repeated link with alcoholics is clear co-dependency. Secondly there is real experience and practical help available for you. You do this for you.
This is beyond NMMNG, ok?
This is truly damaging to you and I have to be clear in my thoughts and words on this. DB is excellent in dovetailing as part of your strategy. It is your day to day and you need more.
Step 1, accept that you are powerless over the alcoholism and go get knowledge and help.
Do not delay, get fellowship IRL. Today if you can.
If you read my tag then you will see I am in Gamanon even though WH is well gone. The damage goes on probably for life. There are FOO issues too that need IC.
Throw resources at it, get boundaries and enforce them.
If you need to let loose then there are places away from your thread to look at FOO.
I would take you there myself today if I could.
My condolences on the bereavement that is really awful thing in your life. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I suspect she is drinking, if you can't smell it then it's likely to be vodka or whiskey.
Women usually choose vodka, they walk around with glasses of OJ. Men often have whiskey the smell can be disguised by tea. They won't leave a cup or glass around and they rinse immediately.
Gum chewing and dental hygiene.
Lost jobs because of incapacity and destruction.
Your journey to self is just beginning. Find a mentor you like and obtain their mobile number. Your mentor is your most important ally, chose well.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
