when she told me she wanted out because I was not doing enough with the children all around the house this was quite easy to fix but how do I fix a mindset where she feels that I have been emotionally abusive and perhaps I have been more so than I ever realised.
First of all, it is very hard for me to believe a woman would break up her family and end a M of this many years, based on the grounds her H did not do enough around the house. And, if she was so concerned about her children not having enough time with their father........what good will pulling the family apart be for them? It makes no sense. I still think it is something else that is her true motive.
Second of all, you are right, you cannot fix how she thinks. If you try to correct one thing, she'll find something else to add to her list of complaints. You were knocking yourself out doing all the housework while she did nothing (according to what you wrote) and you were spending every free moment with the kids. What did she do? Tell you it stillwas not enough, plus she found something else to throw onto her list. And now, she's decided to add emotional abuse.
This is why you need space from her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What I was saying was that she first told me that it was because I was not spending enough time with her our children however I now realise that what it comes down to was that she was feeling taken for granted she was not feeling treated as an equal
I did not take the initiative when it came to cooking meals and making decisions and I let her down by putting my hobbies and my work in front of her yes I did not spend time with her of an evening sometimes and yes I did not do enough for the children she was saying that I also spoke to the children very poorly and this happened on a couple of occasions she would add to this that I pressurised her into making love and that I would not take no for an answer I just wanted to be close to my wife and yes I did take her for granted.
She also says that she has done most things as self throughout our marriage so where is I have been at work she has been at home with the children sometimes on her own with the children or going out meeting friends or watching television or going on the Internet but nonetheless she was on her own while I was at work when I came home she would say that I did not do enough with the children and perhaps I should definitely more.
So she felt lonely she felt taken for granted disillusioned by the fact that her husband wasn't treating her well and this is why she made the decision to end the marriage.
She has not barged her stance in eight months and I cannot see her changing her point of view and as hard as it is for me to except it is over this is what I have to do
she is now also adding the emotional abuse into the situation because I have no answer to that and she knows there is no answer.
I know my wife she is very strong willed and she rarely changes her mind if ever which is why I always found it difficult to divorce past knowing that I was letting her go in the hope of getting a back
As sad as it may seem I want to coparent in the same house and right now this is what I would long for
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
What I was saying was that she first told me that it was because I was not spending enough time with her our children however I now realise that what it comes down to was that she was feeling taken for granted she was not feeling treated as an equal
But that's not what you said. You know how I been telling you that you need to stop repeating this old stuff? Well, this is an example.
Quote:
I did not take the initiative when it came to cooking meals and making decisions and I let her down by putting my hobbies and my work in front of her yes I did not spend time with her of an evening sometimes and yes I did not do enough for the children she was saying that I also spoke to the children very poorly and this happened on a couple of occasions she would add to this that I pressurised her into making love and that I would not take no for an answer I just wanted to be close to my wife and yes I did take her for granted.
She also says that she has done most things as self throughout our marriage so where is I have been at work she has been at home with the children sometimes on her own with the children or going out meeting friends or watching television or going on the Internet but nonetheless she was on her own while I was at work when I came home she would say that I did not do enough with the children and perhaps I should definitely more.
So she felt lonely she felt taken for granted disillusioned by the fact that her husband wasn't treating her well and this is why she made the decision to end the marriage.
What is your point for repeating all of the above?
Quote:
As sad as it may seem I want to coparent in the same house and right now this is what I would long for
Is this your way of saying you are not going to stay at your mum's?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' Susan Anderson
I found this book in one of the newcomer threads and I think you should get it. Its basically written by a woman who has worked with LBS's for years. She was even one herself after a 20 year relationship. I've only read part of the first 2 of 5 stages and Ill say its shockingly accurate to how I've been feeling this entire year. Ghost, these issues do need to be worked out in IC but I really feel this book will help you, and others here, also.
It gives a legitimate explanation for whats happening in our brains after BD and techniques for healing through each stage.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I really am not sure what I want other than to get back with my W and she wants none of that.
You have had plenty of time to think about what you want, other than your W. Even now you won't venture into that realm of just thinking about what you want, and say your W will get whatever she wants. Yes, with that kind of attitude, she sure will.
What days this week will you be seeing your IC?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Mediation letter arrived today so I guess will be in the next week or two
I really am not sure what I want other than to get back with my W and she wants none of that.
I do not want to discuss only having the kids only three days a week and I do not feel ready to discuss selling house and divorcing being on my own
She will steer the ship if I do not and I will be just a passenger
This is not a vessel I can stop and one way or another she is going to get what she wants
Hey G,
This up here ^^^^^^^^ is why your W is taking the next step to mediation. Your insistence on taking no action means she has feels she has to.
That up there is the same behaviour of you walking in from work and spending the evening on your computer and not participating. This behaviour absolutely confirms to wife everything that she believes.
Your wife keeps gifting you opportunities to show her the man and father you can be. Do you see that G?
If you want to be the captain of your family's ship G, you gotta step up and take the wheel and take charge.
Sandi asked an excellent question. When is your next IC. Figure out what you want and go for it. You"re still in this if you want to be G.
I'm here hoping you are gonna grab yourself by the **** and show her what you got. If not now, when?
Mediation letter arrived today so I guess will be in the next week or two
I really am not sure what I want other than to get back with my W and she wants none of that.
I do not want to discuss only having the kids only three days a week and I do not feel ready to discuss selling house and divorcing being on my own
She will steer the ship if I do not and I will be just a passenger
This is not a vessel I can stop and one way or another she is going to get what she wants
Hey G,
This up here ^^^^^^^^ is why your W is taking the next step to mediation. Your insistence on taking no action means she has feels she has to. ......why do I not understand this why do I not see this so should I be the one pushing for mediation driving things forward
That up there is the same behaviour of you walking in from work and spending the evening on your computer and not participating. This behaviour absolutely confirms to wife everything that she believes.
Your wife keeps gifting you opportunities to show her the man and father you can be. Do you see that G? Jelly I am either dumb or stupid I must be or I am just not seeing things at all clearly ...your W is gifting you opportunities to show her the man and father you can be....
If you want to be the captain of your family's ship G, you gotta step up and take the wheel and take charge. Take charge ..yes I want to be the captain so I have to be the one to decide it is over and that I am going to move forwards is this what you mean jelly ????
Sandi asked an excellent question. When is your next IC. Figure out what you want and go for it. You"re still in this if you want to be G. I am seeing her on Friday I will talk about how I detach and move on with my life and get over her
I'm here hoping you are gonna grab yourself by the **** and show her what you got. If not now, when? Jelly ...Ok am I reading here that I should not put up with this [censored] any longer and I should be the the one to show her that [censored] it I am selling I am going to move things forwards with or without her in my life is the what I need to be doing or have I got this so very wrong ...all I think about is what about the kids why break up their living arrangements and if I push for separate homes lives then this lands on my shoulders I will have to look them in the eye and tell them I made the decision to break the family up......or do I look them in the eye and tell them that I did this for them and that hopefully one day they will understand why I did it and I did it for the good of the family
Watching and waiting.
Jellyxxx
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
