I did go out last night, bought a new shirt and jeans, as I have lost 20 pounds in the last 3 weeks and nothing was fitting properly or attractively. Was all spit and polished, W commented twice on how nice I looked, but mentioned I would do better with the ladies if I didn't wear my wedding ring.
She initiated hugs twice yesterday. I don't understand. I was polite enough to give a little hug. I though I shouldn't have, but hey, that stuff was working in our R, so I allowed it, but didn't give the full "I am so in love with you still Hug". LOL
Funny, I'm working on me, yes, but I wanted to look good for her too, and yes she noticed, and the two or three comments sounded sincere and were nice to hear.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
It's great she is noticing Ralph. When I started DB I got myself new clothes too and she noticed and complimented me. I got them for her to notice me tho and that has changed for me. I have nice clothes and get all cleaned up for me to feel good about myself and that's something I think you need to do too. do the nice things for yourself. If she notices great. If she says nothing, it wasn't for her anyway and don't start fishing for compliments.
It sounds like you are doing great so far. Keep up the good work. Use this time for yourself. I hope your time with Ds and dog is something you can use for yourself and your kids.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Sure she noticed. And, not only was her crack about the wedding band passive-aggressive, it was her way of digging for information.
Whenever you leave to go GAL, do not reveal the details to her. Don't lie about it, but either assure her by answering all her questions. If she asks what time you'll be home, sy something like, "Don't know, probably late". If she asks where are you going, just tell her "out", "not sure yet", etc. Be mysterious!
When you have nobody in your life except your W and kids, you cease being interesting to her. Expand and meet new people. What are your hobbies and outside interests?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I'm retired, and haven't worked for 3 years. I left all of my friends in the last state I retired from (military) to come here and join her (military). Most of my interests are anti social, like hunting and fishing. I have gotten back into the gym, and am there quite a bit. It is a large gym with lots of people. I hope to make some connections there (not bad connections). In her eyes though, I will meet lots of girls there. I got a little out of shape the last few years, but was still in good physical condition. Every gym day I'm getting leaner, more muscular, faster. She has some self esteem issues about her body, which I never gave into her issues as I have always found her to be beautiful and sexy.
She's the social butterfly, not me.. I go out GAL and am tired by 12. She'll go out and come home at 2 or 3. She did ask me a lot of seemingly friendly questions about my night.. I gave a little bit not all details. I will be more mysterious though.
We spent a lot of time with kids today as a family. I had mentioned me taking them by myself for a bit, but she stressed we do stuff together and said "we won't be doing that in the future".
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Thanks for the addition information. There is a mindset about the WW that would probably baffle even a good counselor. The foundation for her mindset could have been building slowly for years. Unmet desires, unrealistic expectations, unmet emotional needs, unresolved issues, the stresses of life.........all of these ares are pretty common. However, when resentment and a lack of respect continue to build, it is just a matter of time that she will begin testing the standards, values, and beliefs that once guided her. She becomes rebellious. These areas are directed toward her H. She may give him a laundry list of complaints, and perhaps those complaints were legitimate in the M history. However, whatever blame she places on him.......those three areas are usually found in the foundation of her mindset. Those are the three main things you deal with in her.
There are some unattractive areas that sprout from those main three, like manipulation and bullying. Pure selfishness will fuel her waywardness. Everything.......and I mean EVERYTHING has her best interest at the center of her heart & mind. She may be able to mask it by acting nice & friendly, even use affection, but you can bet she has a selfish motive. Never fall for the sweet & nice routine while she's a WW. Do not allow her niceness to throw you. (Which you are currently doing). You will not see a WW change overnight.
As insane as it sounds, a WW wants to control your life, even if she doesn't want you. She has fired you from being her H. She no longer wants to fill the position of being your W, however......she does not want another female filling her place in your life. That's why she'll get real nosy about who, what, where, when you GAL. She wants assurance nobody is going to replace her.
Now, in a normal MR, you might give your W assurance that you still love her and you are not interested in any other woman. But when you have a WW, the more assurance she has......the less she's interested in you. Although she's putting you back on the single's market, she doesn't want you having anyone. Don't get me wrong. I am not telling you to run out there and start dating. I am telling you what to expect from your WW.
Where you may have opened up and shared your thoughts and feelings in the past, you need to keep them to yourself while she's wayward. She needs to wonder what you are doing, what you are thinking, and how you are feeling. Never assure her that you will always be there for her, or that you'll always love her NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES. In a normal MR, this would be okay, but whenever you have a wayward spouse......this is the last thing you should say.
The more mystery about you.....the more she finds you interesting and the more curious she becomes. If she can't manipulate you into telling her everything she wants to know, it makes her angry. She'll twist and turn the facts around and make it sound as if it's you who does not want to work on the M. That's okay. Let her think whatever. The mistake a LBH makes is always trying to straighten her out and persuade her into thinking and feeling what he wants. Just don't even try.
Do not evaluate your day, your work, your changes, your DBing, etc., by your WW's moods. If you allow her behavior to dictate how well or poorly you are doing......you will fall apart and be most miserable. Be your own man, and do not be dependent upon her to dictate what type of man you are.
Do not be scared of her anger. If you do things right, then she's going to be angry! I am talking about a wayward here. Do not allow her tears to sway you. The WW can turn on tears like a faucet. She operates out of emotions and not wisdom. You must act out of what you are learning, and your own sense of right and wrong. You have a value system, right? Do you have a belief system. Do you have certain principles by which you live? These are what you use to guide you through this ordeal........NOT YOUR EMOTIONS.
She has lost her moral code. She is following no sense of right/wrong. She has probably fallen from her spiritual belief system. All she is following are her emotions.......and they are subject to change by the minute. She has no logic. Therefore, you cannot reason with her. It will be very frustrating if you don't remember that you can't reason with crazy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh wow sandi! I will be ready this message daily. Everything you have said has hit the nail on the head in my mind and heart. It actually helps to understand HER situation or what has driven her there. She was good and her evil twin was created. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
And yes, I do have morals and beliefs. If I didn't, I would not be fighting. I would have given up. I will be patient and 180, gal.. Read, gain knowledge and be a better me.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Still doing what I can do. Struggling along the way. Wife went out Saturday, and never came home.. With a text at 245 am that she was too drunk to drive to and was staying at a girl friends house.. Kids woke up in the am, wondering if mommy was ever coming home.. She met me at church after the kids were already at Sunday school.. She entered service as it was starting, placed her hand in mine during singing service.. Confusing.. She's throwing all kinds of singnals... Talked about separating as she still needs 'space'. Initiates texts all day long. I respond after 30 or 45 mins.. Asks when I'm coming home.. I'm ready to bail..
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
