Well work and GAL has been crazy busy the last week. The W left Saturday and told the kids and I that she would be home Sunday evening. She didn't return until Monday afternoon and only stayed for a few hours to play with the kids. I left and went to a friends . She informed me that she will no longer be staying at our house but was "happy to help out with them after school".
Then last night after work and the kids in bed I mentioned that we need to get on the same page and talk to the kids Thursday about what is happening. It was not fair that she just left on Saturday and I've had to come up with excuses for her. Well guess what? She doesn't want to talk to the kids, she said she needs come back home on Sunday. She said the apartment she wanted is not available until end of March-mid April. She was staying at a friends but only for the week. There are tons of apartments available around her, and I called the one she mentioned today and they do have vacancies. Maybe she didn't qualify?
I don't know what to think about this? I am almost certain she spent last weekend with the OM but not sure if she is still staying with him until Sunday (He is from out of town, hotel maybe?) or if she is crashing with a friend. Also don't know what Friend she is staying with, we share the same friends (or so I thought) maybe her therapist? I didn't want to push and look needy.
The only thing I do know for sure is, something in her plan fell apart. She was trying to rush me to settle and sign ASAP, give her $1500 to get the apartment, and she was never coming back to our home as of Monday night. Now she is asking to come back, doesn't want to talk to kids yet, told me not to rush on the settlement counter offer, and said we can talk all about it in the next few weeks?
DB Friends help me understand this game? If I let her back in what boundaries should I set. 1. No fighting or screaming at me, I will never tolerate that again. What else?
Do not trust her! I agree that something fell through for her. My first guess is that it has to do with OM, and she has ulterior motives for going home. Did she clarify if this was just temporary? Did she imply she wanted to come back for good?
I think this is your opportunity to stand your ground with her. She should not be able to pop in and out of your lives whenever she decides. I think you could tell her that, "It's just not that simple anymore". If she asks what you mean, tell her that there are several things will have to change, and if she can't do it, then prepare for divorce. Tell her you still have a lot to think over, but you have decided you will not live in a home with the disrespect she has shown you. If she can't interact in a respectful manner, she need not return. If she is not willing to do what is necessary to save the MR, then what's the point in her coming home (except for her own selfish reasons).
Also, I think you should tell her that you have decided you deserve a M that does not include a third party. The only way you will agree to her coming back is for her to agree to no more contact with OM, and agree to a transparency plan. The transparency plan will help her with the withdrawals from the affair. If she gets mad about being transparent, then do not let her come back.
In other words, those two areas are things that you must have, before she can just march into your home and pick up as though nothing has happened. if you allow her to come back without holding her feet to the fire, your hell will continue. I think she just wants to stay until something better opens up. Either her apartment, or OM asks her to join him. She isn't showing any signs of wanting to work on the MR. Don't be fooled into one of her tricks. Whenever a WW has one of sudden change of plans.......it usually is not b/c she has woke up and realizes how much she loves her H.
Be very careful. Her attitude in her conversations will give away her true feelings about you and working on the MR. At least, it should give you some clue. She should be humble, if she is authentic. I just doubt very seriously this has anything to do with the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's clear now that something in her plan fell apart. She is a mess...
I had that conversation with her but was not completely ready. She surprised me and showed up Saturday morning early (before your reply) and just started brining in her bags. I was in the shower and didn't know she was there until I got out.
We went outside and I asked her what she was doing? She said she has no other options but to stay with us, that the apartment she wanted is no longer available. I asked why not look at other apartments in the area, but she liked that one best . I said, "Sorry princess you need to find a place to stay ASAP, I don't want you staying in my house any longer".
I then told her that while she stayed in my home she will treat me with respect, no starting fights, yelling, screaming, or heavy drinking "I will not tolerate it, you will leave". Also that this is a one time thing, if she leaves again there is no returning. I explained the late nights i've been having with our D5 who didn't buy the W excuses and would wake up at 3am to look for W. Then I would have to console D5 and rock her back to sleep. She agreed and showed a slight bit of softness but that didn't last long.
Then I let her know that I knew she spent the last week with the OM in a hotel, that she took some of our "couples toys" with her and that his divorce was decreed the week before her came out here. She was not happy that I knew any of that. She agreed to not talk to him while the kids or I were in the house.
Tonight we will sit-down and go over what we are telling the kids. She wants to talk numbers first but I need to get the custody and what we are telling this kids down first. Just incase she takes off again without notice. I still have not been served!?
Last thing, she talked with a mutual friend Saturday and mentioned how hard this, she didn't think this would be this complicated, and she is having a hard time finding work. Then Sunday she cleaned and decorated the whole house for Easter, did all my laundry, and even folding my underwear??!!
Thanks everyone for reading! I love reading everyones threads, it helps to know we are not alone.
Quick question for the DB forums. Should I suggest that we put a pause on the divorce and try a separation? I know i'll have to help her get a place and the OM will most likely be in town as soon as she has her own place.
This is kind of a last ditch effort but I don't know if it will do any good and just prolong the pain. Could it help bring her out of the fog? Or is it just me trying to hold on again?
I'm sorry for your sitch... I'm no expert and I can only share my experience which has + and - I was not in the same boat as you, but i recommended the sep vs divorce.... It didn't help my sitch at all. It just caused me more pain because I was thinking we could use the time to work on ourselves (and I had his agreement too, but it was just lip service). Fortunately, the s did force me to work on myself and I'm a healthier (almost) happier and more well rounded person than I was before bd. You can only focus on yourself... So if you are going to propose doing something to get an action/reaction out of her, it likely will not work.
Others might chime in... That's just my experience
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
DadsCB, while this forum has been very helpful for me in many ways, it's also been so troubling to see so many people in so much pain. I think it sank in one Friday when I was going to Newcomers, and saw that there were 112 people looking.
Just wow.
This is why I had to chime in though - all I can say is - what is it with old high school friends? Good grief.
While I'm probably the last person anybody should listen to here, my only take is if you can do anything to stall the process, slow it down and continue working on your DR, do it. That is if it's something you want to save.
In my case, my W is with an old classmate (class of 1975 to give you a clue) and from what I can tell, she pursued him. He's long divorced, and from what I understand loves playing the field. I also don't get this "let's introduce him to the H" stuff. While
I had met him several times since the W is on the high school reunion committee (her and her assistant are it), she even wanted me to BBQ for him and the group in July. I didn't, and that was a huge bone of contention for a long time. And one of the crazy things WAW's do apparently. She was mad I didn't entertain them, at the same time she made it clear I wasn't welcome in the festivities. D*d if you do, D*d if you don't...
Currently I have zero contact with her. The D is going through full speed ahead. There seems to be nothing I can do but watch the 2 trains collide.
I seem to be on the other side of "it's possible" as far as the R. This is both my fault and the W's. There will come a point when I won't want it to work any longer. I hope you don't get there. You don't seem to be yet.
IMHO, while putting things on hold won't necessarily bring her out of the fog, it might slow things enough so that she could come to her senses sometime before the deed is done. I'm sorry for your pain, but you seem to be handling things quite well. I'm a mess and don't even know the specifics like you do.
In summary, since I cannot communicate with the W, I envy anybody who still has that capability, so that's where I'm coming from. I see it as potential. YMMV.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Thanks Feyth and 1313!! I am trying to remember that it's just a piece of paper.
Something good! I have lost 95Lbs (60Lbs since D-day) and ran a 5k last weekend!
We talked last night and it was clear that something in her fantasy has fallen apart. She was very angry before we talked and was out sitting in her car yelling and crying to someone on the phone. Once her and I sat down she was actually nice and very agreeable on our negotiations. She got a little upset at some of my questions about the OM, I only asked when he was coming back and would they be living together right away. I wanted to know if we needed to talk to the kids about it soon. She said he has no plans on coming back and that she is going to be living alone. This is when her watery eyes finally let a tear loose.
She got money from family for a deposit on an Apartment but it's not available until the end of March. I offered to buy her a ticket to go stay with him until her apartment opened up (It's hard to be around her anymore) and she said "No thanks, I can't stay with him".
So not reading into anything, something in her plan fell apart but that doesn't change what's happening between us. If he dropped her I am worried she will try to come back to me, how do I handle that? I am still working on disconnecting, GAL, and NC as much as I can.
