I have two questions first: 1. Should I be as NC as posable or should I still be somewhat open to normal interactions? 2. She mentioned to her friend (see below) that me not paying for her to move out and get an apartment, that I'm forcing her to file for divorce so she can get money to move out. Is this WW talk?
Well the MIL had the "real talk" with my wife and it went horrible. My wife exploded at her and made a scene at the coffee shop. This is SO very out of character for her. The W told her mom all the normal stuff, never in love, we were never close, etc... but her mom didn't agree with the wife at all. I guess it really went bad with my W started talking about her true love (OM) and how we will all be happier once they are together (me included).
The wife came home that night and asked to talk, I was already in bed watching tv but I still said yes (last time I do that). She spent 45min explaining the talk she had with her mom and brother that day, really pouring out her feelings. She is focusing all her anger at her family right now, they think she has gone crazy. I listened and validated her. At the end she mentioned that she can never truly be open and honest with me (or her family) about her feelings, that I never cared. I simply asked, what was the last 45min then? She looked confused and I said goodnight and went to bed without another word. She came into the bedroom and said "I love you, even if you don't believe that right now". WTH? I wanted to stay and talk more, explain that I do care and that is why I'm listening to her for the last 45min. Even though she is my cheating wife. BUT I didn't.
Her good friend called me earlier Friday afternoon and ask me some questions because she was confused about what my wife was saying. I guess the wife had told her that we agreed to separate in September before the wife spent 4 days in her home town alone (with OM in 99% sure) and we agreed to hold off on divorce until after the holidays. That is not true at all! She also mentioned that my W said it was over with OM and she was leaving to be by herself, neither of us believed that.
Interesting thing, even though my W got very upset about me canceling her phone (she had 7 days to transfer), not paying for her trip to Mexico, and taking over bill paying. She never mentioned moving out or divorce all week, other than a passing remark of "filling papers so people know this is real".
After spending a great weekend with my kids and my family, horseback riding, playing with puppies, flying my drone, gym, park, etc. I really thought about my GAL and that I have to just completely let go of her. Sunday night I was ironing my cloths for the week and listening to music, really in a great mood. I went to the kitchen to refill my water and she asks me "What are you so upset about" I replied with "Nothing, I'm doing great".
She still talks to OM allot, she even purchased some "coins" for the IM app she used to talk with him on Monday. We had a iTunes family share setup but I removed her from that as soon as I saw that purchase.
She sat around the house all weekend and just watching movies, cleaning, doing our laundry, and texting on her phone.
The wife came home that night and asked to talk, I was already in bed watching tv but I still said yes (last time I do that). She spent 45min explaining the talk she had with her mom and brother that day, really pouring out her feelings. She is focusing all her anger at her family right now, they think she has gone crazy. I listened and validated her. At the end she mentioned that she can never truly be open and honest with me (or her family) about her feelings, that I never cared. I simply asked, what was the last 45min then? She looked confused and I said goodnight and went to bed without another word
Perfect!
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She came into the bedroom and said "I love you, even if you don't believe that right now". WTH?
Pay no attention to it. She doesn't mean it.
I think you are doing very well, especially considering you've just joined the board. I do suggest you continue to take charge of the bills and protecting your finances. Too many WW's completely wipe out their H's savings, max out the credit cards, and money he thinks is going for bills is really financing her A in some way.
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I wanted to stay and talk more, explain that I do care and that is why I'm listening to her for the last 45min. Even though she is my cheating wife. BUT I didn't.
Glad you didn't, b/c it's not about you showing her how much you care. This entire situation is about her waywardness. Stay focused about that issue. Stay balanced and do not let her twist things around and blame you for what she's doing to the family and the MR (and she will probably try to do it).
If she moves out, do not offer financial support. I am not really in favor of the fact that she gets to live in a very nice house, have a car, gets to take nice trips, and other things that go with being your wife. She gets the good life and at the same time....she gets to continue her A. She has the advantages of being in a M with you, without any disadvantages ..........like being faithful, a supportive W, etc. (if you call that disadvantages). How long are you willing for her to live with you and openly conduct an A? Just wondering, b/c if she and the OM should break up, I think she'll move on to OM#2, or girls gone wild. So, you may need to think about this carefully.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How long are you willing for her to live with you and openly conduct an A? Just wondering, b/c if she and the OM should break up, I think she'll move on to OM#2, or girls gone wild. So, you may need to think about this carefully.
I am not sure, i've been asked this question by several people including my MIL. What do I do? Do I kick her out? I've already told her she should get a job ASAP and move out. Do I file for divorce? Should I tell her that I will not tolerate her continuing the A and communicating with him while living in my/our house? How do I enforce that? What are my options? This is all so foreign to me.
Those are all really good questions. It is foreign to you because the WAW in your house isn't the same woman you married. It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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I am not sure, i've been asked this question by several people including my MIL. What do I do? Do I kick her out? I've already told her she should get a job ASAP and move out. Do I file for divorce? Should I tell her that I will not tolerate her continuing the A and communicating with him while living in my/our house? How do I enforce that? What are my options? This is all so foreign to me.
Find the link on Boundaries and study the concept. Then decide what it will take to protect yourself from disrespect. What will you do if she shows disrespect in your own home? Decide what you will not tolerate while living with another person in your house. Lies, deception, slander, stealing, show disrespect to you, etc. Would you allow a renter to stay under your roof who would do these things to you personally? How would you deal with it? Those are things you need to know before setting personal boundaries.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for that info Sandi2! Please help me out here, am I being to over bering? I don’t think I'm telling her what to do, just trying say what I am willing to do and/or pay for.
I read that section and worked with my IC on boundaries. I’ve set a few more, here are some examples. One thing to note, she has never been a big spender, she has always hated to spend money. Most of her clothing, jewelry, nicer beauty supplies were purchased when I took her shopping or gave her gift cards for birthdays, Anniversary, etc….
I must say this is all very hard for me, I hate feeling like a control freak. 1. She had to get her own cell phone service (she makes about $400 a month so she can pay it) and she did. I won’t pay for her affair device. 2. I took over all bill pay and only transferred money into our joint account for family stuff. I am being fair, still paying for her gym membership, her car, gas, etc… 3. I paid off the balance on her CC (not much) and said all future purchases you want me to reimburse you need to submit expenses. Not telling her what to buy with her CC, just stating what I will to reimburse. 4. I created a spread sheet for tracking all future family finances and working on a budget. We can both view it at any time but right now only I can edit. 5. I’m NOT paying for her trip to Mexico. She got upset about that and said she HAD to go. I only answered, your welcome to go but I won’t pay for it.
These are all on top of the boundaries I’ve set earlier. No Sleeping in the joint bed, No talking on the phone with OM while in our home (I’ve never actually heard her on the phone with him), I won’t pay for her to move out, and the best one for me and kids (plus her) I won’t listen to her spew (she has not done that since I set that boundary 2 months ago).
She has not mentioned moving out or divorce since asking for me to pay for her to move out on Jan 11th.
Last night we sat down to go over bills and get all the account info/bill pay setup from her. She was almost in tears the entire time, started to actually cry a little when I said in no uncertain terms that I was not paying for her trip to Mexico. I feel that if I don’t watch the finances close she will take money out or charge her CC for the Mexico trip. I can’t stop her from putting it on her card but I don’t have to pay for it. About an hour later as I was leaving for the gym (GAL) she asked if I had read that book Conscious Uncoupling, I replied with one emphatic word “Nope”.
I’m disconnecting more and more everyday. My GAL list. Gym every night from 8-9pm, eating right, sleeping great! Reading: No more Mr. Nice Guy again, then Love must be tough, and Paddle your own Canoe Tuesday nights Softball with company team Spending tons of time with Kids, she usually doesn’t join unless is a big friends event
Thinking about joining a mens support group, maybe at my church. Also a flag football league.
Last thing, over the weekend we were are two big parties with our friends 30+ people, tons of kids running around, so much fun! Most of our friends know what is going on and it was very awkward, my WW was flirting with me, trying to sit next to me all the time, following me around, etc… One time, I was sitting in the garage alone eating and watching the game, she came out and sat right next to me. I just got up and went inside to eat, didn’t say a word. Later that evening she left the party for about and hour and everyone asked where did she go, I bet she was talking to the OM.
My friends and family are suggesting I just give up on her, file for divorce and move on. Her best friend told me last week that I could do much better than my W. The wife’s friends all say she never talks to them anymore and they’ve all known something was up with her for over a year.
Why does this all sound so High School? Is it me? Am I getting tied up in the drama?
One other thing. She asked if was could trade in her car to get a much cheaper car I mentioned that I don't feel comfortable starting a new loan with how we currently sit. The W said she would put the new car in her name BUT I doubt she could get approved on her own without an income. I told her I would not co-sign on a new 5 year loan. Her car is pricey but it's paid off in 18 months.
She huffed and puffed as I walked away.
I'm starting to think she really is going to file soon and leave us.
Hi DB community! I've been traveling most of this week and haven't been around much. I hope everyone has a great weekend!
I messed up and overheard/snooped a call my wife had with someone on the phone today. She was saying that she needs to file for divorce ASAP and that she was going to get "all my info" and sit down with me to talk next week. What is she talking about "all my info"? The person she was on the phone with is coming to our town soon, she was telling them all about the great restaurants we have and fun stuff to do. I only heard 5min and can't tell who she was talking to.
I really wish I didn't hear that! That's why I try to never snoop. It really hit me much harder than I thought it would. She is just so cold when talking about us.
Well I got confirmation that the wife is going to Mexico for her friends wedding with the OM in a few months. The bride herself called me to ask WTF is going on. I'm not sure how the wife paid for the trip but my guess is she put it on her personal credit card.
Saturday my in-laws invited the kids and I to go to an event, my wife's favorite aunt is in town. I asked the wife if should would like to join us and she said No. Then she asked why they called me and also wife didn't know her aunt was visiting us. They called me because she never answers the phone. As soon as she said she isn't going with us, she started texting her parents and aunt. Telling them she is tired and wants some "mommy" time, then sent pics of all the cool things she and the kids did that day. Such as Wife sitting in the garage drinking while the kids road there bikes.
Then Sunday we were leaving for a kids birthday party and she sends me a text from her bathroom "I can't go, I'm having an anxiety attack" I replied with "Ok". About 10min later just as we are about to leave she comes out balling, makeup running etc. and tells me again she can't go. I again just say "Ok". What caused this? Her guilt? Doesn't want to see friends or family? BTW: I jumped in the bathroom to get my comb while she was getting ready and she had a beer in the shower, just out of sight. I'm starting to worry about the drinking.
She did go out later Sunday for dinner with us, in-laws, and aunt. While walking through the park to the restaurant my S6 got a little lost and scared, wife call for him and he comes running back with tears on his face. The wife opens her arms as he is running back to us, he just runs around/past her and directly to me, big hug. Very telling... Later at dinner D5 asked "mommy why don't you wear your rings anymore, daddy does". Wife's reply "They hurt my fingers, don't fit very well anymore" D5 reply "Daddy had them fixed for you last year" Nothing gets by our D5. The look on wife's face was priceless.
Then Sunday we were leaving for a kids birthday party and she sends me a text from her bathroom "I can't go, I'm having an anxiety attack" I replied with "Ok". About 10min later just as we are about to leave she comes out balling, makeup running etc. and tells me again she can't go. I again just say "Ok". What caused this? Her guilt? Doesn't want to see friends or family? BTW: I jumped in the bathroom to get my comb while she was getting ready and she had a beer in the shower, just out of sight. I'm starting to worry about the drinking.
She is going to have her drama queen moments. The important thing is for you to remain the cool guy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
