Honestly why did I marry her with the sex/couch issues. First, I love her. Yes there were some doubts but I thought it was a phase we would grow out of. I think my thinking was the oustridge with his head in the hole. Weeks became months, months years. I would try and do something about it and get rejected. Or we would be very friendly and I would think well lets not rock the boat while we are getting along. After a while it got dark and I joined dead bedrooms on reddit which did not help at all.
When we did have sex, yes I think she enjoyed it very much. However, there were some performance issues a few times on my part. A couple were because of a cold and other were because of porn.
As far as the boys, I can reasonably say I did not marry her for the boys. However, in being truthful there were some real bad times that the reason I stayed, at least I told myself, was for the boys. The boys fathers are not involved in any way in their life. I am the only dad they have known. Especially the youngest.
We have been living separate now for 2 weeks. At first nothing. I left for a week and came back (at a very bad time) and she spent the night screaming at me and what a terrible person I was and only thought of myself. Next morning same thing. Then recently I confronted her about a possible affair. That ended in yelling. I did manage at that time to keep my cool and just say "I want you to know I know and am disappointed in you but I am not going to be ugly about it." I have helped her find a rental (after the last fight) and she text me how much she appreciated it and thanked me. She also has text me about our boys weekend schedule and I emailed her requesting her review his February schedule. She gave me no hassle on it.
If I had another chance to do it all over... I would certainly change my attitude and verbally let her know what she means to me, I failed at that before. She needs validation. I needed to do the little things. I left her feeling alone and unwanted. She has insecurities about herself especially looks (although there is absolutely no call for them cause she is beautiful) that I helped contribute to unknowingly. I think this would draw us closer and many of the problems would disappear. I hope that is not too vague. However, currently I need to get to the point where we can be friends.
At the time I did not know her emotional needs but I SHOULD HAVE.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I agree with the others here that you should not print and give her the divorce papers she asked you to draft unless you want to get divorced. Why would you make the divorce process easier for her? Are you paying for her apartment? If so, she isn't facing any of the consequences of wanting space or doing any of the dirty work of filing for divorce. If she wants space and a divorce, she needs to deal with all the details and expense.
Do you have any parental or custody rights with your step sons? Have you adopted them? If you are the only father they have known, how does that play out for you with custody?
A sex starved marriage is a very lonely place to be for both people. You made a casual mention about porn and I'm wondering if there is more to that piece of the puzzle.
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No, I am not paying for her place, although I helped her find a place. That was mainly because she was threatening to move the kids out of the school district. As a step parent I would have little legal power to stop her. I knew while the youngest would be ok, a move to a different school would devastate the oldest. So I figured the best thing was to find her a place in our school district.
I have not adopted the boys and in my state may have some standing for custody as a step parent. Although it would be unusual. The boys father has nothing to do with them, we have not seen or heard from him in years.
There is more to the porn. I watched porn before we got together and sometimes when things were good. But during the bad times, I watched porn a lot.
One more thing that she complained of was that I paid more attention to the dogs than her. She seems to be very jealous of the dogs. After she stopped sleeping with me, the dog did sleep in the bedroom. She did complain of it in the past. I would make the dog sleep outside the room but after months of her not coming back I did allow the dog to come back to the room.
I am trying the no contact rule, but we have the boys so I have hard time with the no contact. I am also worried that I may fool myself into sending info about the boys and just a means of communicating. Or I will miss read her intentions if she send me info on the boys. Right now the only way we communicate is by text.
Coming up with a goals and a plan along with ways to measure the effects seems daunting... Any advice?
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Sorry, I know I ramble on here. I also am aware I am all over the place with my thinking (mainly because I am panicky). GAL right? Which I am working on. However, I am new to this and the detachment and GAL are hard. My obsessive compulsive and tenacious nature make detachment very hard. Also, I do not want to miss any small feedback which could be overlooked.
Having said that, my wife knows I look on her pintrest board. Today she posted this article in her Good To Know board. Is she realizing what I have been telling her that I did not know my actions would hurt her? Here is the article.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/29/1609:03 AM. Reason: outside Links Not allowed
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Tim I know you are looking for that one magic thing that you can do that will make all of this go away.
Sorry to say that it didn't get like this in one day and is not going to be FIXED in one day.
Have you always done everything that your wife TOLD you to do?
Also what was her first marriage that produced the boys like? Why did it end? How long was her first marriage and where does your marriage fit into this?
Quote:
Coming up with a goals and a plan along with ways to measure the effects seems daunting... Any advice?
Make the goals about YOU - not about her or the relationship
The problem is she told me I was neglectful and controlling. She said she just needed away from me. I gave her the space and helped her find a rental. I am only communicating via text right now and just about the boys. She did mention that I needed counseling so I am getting that; I have a one on one counselor and started today with the telephone coaching here. Additionally, I am going to set up and appointment with my priest.
She was not married before. However the oldest boys dad left her as soon as she got pregnant in high school. The youngest's dad she did have a relationship for some years. He was abusive physically and he cheated on her. She found this out at the end of the relationship and she was devastated.
I know I am in a panicky situation and I am trying to get better at it. Yesterday I was good and today I am train wreck.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
The problem is she told me I was neglectful and controlling. She said she just needed away from me. I gave her the space and helped her find a rental. I am only communicating via text right now and just about the boys. She did mention that I needed counseling so I am getting that; I have a one on one counselor and started today with the telephone coaching here. Additionally, I am going to set up and appointment with my priest.
Okay, but do you know why you are going to see a counselor and the priest?
I think a ton of LBS's use their kids as an excuse to contact their spouse. What are some examples of information do you give about the boys when you feel you need to tell her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am going to the counselor and priest for two reasons. First and foremost, I am going to work through becoming a better person. So if I am lucky enough to reunite with my wife, I can treat her how she should be treated. In order, that I do not fall into the same downward spiral again. The second reason is for coping skills while we are apart so that I may have the wear-with-all and emotional stability to work through this and give it the best effort I can.
As far as contact for the kids, I think I have been pretty good with not sending unnecessary texts. Examples of my texts are: Can we talk about this weekend, should boy1 spend the weekend with me since we have to leave early for the tournament and then practice the next day? Boy2 wants me to take him up to his gf's house. Before, I agreed to do it I wanted to check with you to make sure it is ok? (in the past she has not been to keen on him going there).
I do have some good news to report. First my wife allowed my stepson to spend the weekend with me. Via text she agreed for him to spend the weekend at my apartment. She even offered that if he did not spend the night with me that she would wake him up, get him ready and bring him to me so I did not have to drive down there in the morning (6am). Second she did show up at his tournament today (which she definitely would not have missed). But unlike last tournament, she did not avoid me, she spoke with me and although it was a little uncomfortable it was very pleasant. She even joked with me a bit. Additionally, there was eye contact when we spoke, which has been a big change. Finally, she did not just leave immediately after he was done but stayed a few hours and left to go visit her niece. It was a great day and I am giving myself some pats on the back for employing the "as if" technique.
Per my telephone coach I am currently working on another reconciliation letter to her. Hopefully, it will provide some additional positive feedback. Wish me luck!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
After a good weekend, I am start with a bad Monday. Emotions ebb and flow of course. After the tournament on the weekend, I ran into her at the house while son and I were picking up things for the night. It went well again and I am seeing glimmers of hope. Then on Sunday night she text me about where to pick up or drop off son. We met at the gym and she was not mean but was a bit distant. It was hard leaving him and I went to our house to do my laundry and hand write my letter. When I got there I saw boxes packed and pictures taken down. I knew to expect it but it still crushed me!
So I left the reconciliation letter per the telephone coach and did not yet receive a reply, which I did not expect. The letter was empathizing with feelings of past wrongs and a mission statement. But even though I did not expect a response, I am still left with feelings... did she read it? if so, what was her reaction? Where am I with all this? And where is she? I know it is a marathon and not a sprint but I feel like I am running it with a broken leg...
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
