11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Rain, I was just checking in to let you know that I'm thinking about you. I really hope that you're okay. I'm not sure what happened yesterday to change things for you, but whatever it is, you know we will be here for you to offer you love, support and encouragement to get through whatever has been thrown at you now. Let us know that you're okay. I'll say a prayer for you and your little ones.....
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
First, thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. It made me smile that although things aren't great for me IRL right now, that I have met such kind hearted and understanding people here. People that get it and get me.
So onto yesterday....Okay...sorry. Its Long but here it is.
He wanted to talk to me because he said that after he turned me down (after voicemail) that he has been thinking about me a lot.
That the fact that I was ignoring him and only giving mostly 1 word answers about the kids showed him what his life could really be like.
(i get a little excited here...could this finally be it??)
So I call him <<<<< mistake!
All I got to say was "hey".
Hey baby. Thanks for calling me. I've been home thinking about you...about us. I don't understand you. You tell me you love me but then you ignore me. Anyway, I really love you...
(excitement starts to build. I know him. This is DEFINITELY it )
..and i want us to be together. I want us to move forward. I miss you and I miss our family. I hate that I never see the kids (Rain STFU..yes yes we know he doesn't see them because he is "busy")
That all we do is fight. Its not how our life should be. I really miss your face babe. Do you miss me?
Me: yes
Him: you never tell me that and you ignore me. But tell me what you think about us staying together?
(i am at this point tearing up. I love him and miss him desperately and just want a clean slate and he is finally on board!)
Me: what does that look like in your eyes?
Him: I told you hun...we leave the past in the past. We move forward. Stop fighting when we spend time together.
Me: and?
Him: and what?
Me: i love you
Hin: i love you too
Me: that sounds nice XF it really does but...
Him: love there are not but's. It's either yea or no
(my heart starts getting heavy again)
Him: we can do this and move forward together and forget everything or we dont. Your choice.
Me: XF I'm sorry but after all of this I need more than pretending it didn't happen. If we don't figure out why it happened and work on it then it will happen again. I can't go through this again.
He is angry and raising his voice now
Him: this is the sh!t I'm talking about Rain! Why can't you just say okay? Why does everything have to be a F'ing production with you? What? Tell me what YOU need. What!?
Me: transparency and a promise to be faithful for now. And IC too, for both of us.
(not even sure how i am still calm at this point)
Him: are you f#%kinh KIDDING me Ma?! (Ma=pet name all spanish men use) Im telling you!!! That i love you that I want to be with you and you're making demands!? This has got to be a f#%king joke. Please tell me it's a joke
(here..I am completely deflated....how is it even possible to break an already broken heart? Not sure but he is the master at it...i start crying. Ugh)
Me: then what do you want? To just pretend it didnt happen?
Him: no! It happened! I did it. I can't take it back! But im not going to be broken down for it every day forever either. I don't belong to you. You can't tell me what to do! Listen either yes or no..which is it?!
Me: (still crying) are you going to be transparent? Are you going to be faithful?
Him: i don't look through your ah!t so no, you can't go through mine. I'm not doing anything! And what? You want guarantee that I'll never cheat again? Honey this is real life..there are no guarantees. They best I can do.....
(wait for it because he REALLY said this...)
...is that I can TRY my best.
(What the.....)
Me: Im sorry XF "i will try my best not to cheat on you again" isn't enough.
Him: then at least I know I tried to make this work. You're the one saying no. I love you Rain. I love you so much. I know what I did hurt you and I'm sorry. But nothing will ever be good enough for you. Nothing I say, nothing I do. And I won't live like a prisoner with you checking up on me.
(Do I even have to say it? I am SOBBING now)
Me: no F you! F you! You do NOT get to say that to me. You hace lied! And you have cheated! And you tore our family apart chasing Fing Pussy! And now you offer me more of the same Bullsh!t and have the nerve to say "at least I tried"! No you didn't! Tryibg is doing what I need you to do to regain my trust!
Me: i should have known you wouldn't change. Same ole XF. Me..me..me.
Him: NO. I did try. Im telling you i mias you and i love you and i want us to be together even after everything. And you're saying no.
Me: (FINALLY calmer now) XF I'm sorry. What you're offering is just not enough. You will cheat again. But it won't be on me.
Him: you want a guarantee baby but there are none in life.
Me: cheating is a choice. And you're telling me you aren't sure that you're done making that choice.
Him: peope cheat to feel better. People cheat because they feel good
Me: people cheat because they CHOOSE to cheat! If we were/are having issues you dont cheat! You talk to me. We either work it out or part ways. You don't treat me like sh!t and start an A!
Him: I didn't mean for it to happen or for it to go that far. But we were always fighting and i missed her because we barely ever fought.
Me: XF do you hear what you're saying? We fought BECAUSE of her but you ran to her because we fought. Does that make sense?
Him: it's how i feel. I mean felt.
Me: sure
Him: so?
Me: so, no. I won't be with a man that doesn't love me enough to choose to remain faithful especially after our biggest issue was his infidelity. I nees transparency to trust you again and to feel safe again. None of these are things you want to give me
Him: then the choice is yours. Remember that.
Me: no XF the second you told me you can only offer to try not to cheat again, you made the choice for all of us.
Him: i love you. I always will
Me: goodbye
So I was very sad and pissed yesterday. He kept texting me after and sending me songs. And I just went numb again after a while. And this is why we are done.
He can be transparent, but refuses to. And he is admitting that he won't be faithful. So then we can not R. I would be willingly walking into it this time and I won't deal with another PA or EA plus all the crap he is doing now. I barely survived his A. Why would I sign up for more?
Sad that he has convinced himself he tried by offering we sweep it under the rug and be "realistic" that he may do it again. I'm obviously beyond upset And hurt but he really did make the choice.
He knows me well enough to know I won't be okay with that.
(I wrote this on my phone. Sorry for any and all typos)
Rain, you handled this beautifully. The most important thing is you didn't allow your desire for R to cloud your judgment and accept a relationship that was outside of your boundaries.
Agreed he will cheat again. You don't have to explain it to us. This was beyond evident reading this exchange.
The one thing I'd like you to do is forget about trying to win the argument with him about who made the choice. You aren't going to convince him. If he felt cheating was making the choice to leave then he wouldn't have cheated...but since he wants to cheat he has decided that shouldn't be a deal breaker so he isn't going to change his behavior and thinks it should be ok, so he considers you the one leaving. He truly feels that your not accepting infidelity is walking out on him. Which I guess it could be, some women accept lifelong infidelity. Whatever.
Point is, you're not going to convince him...and you shouldn't need to. Why do you need your WAH to validate you? Why do you need him to acknowledge he is wrong, you are right, etc? First of all that may never happen. XW's narrative hasn't cracked in the slightest in 1.5 years, my IC said it could be 5-10 years or never before she questions her narrative. So don't hold your breath. But secondly, even if you get validation from him, that's not a real win...a real win is getting to where you don't need it because you get your validation from YOU.
Anyway, thanks for sharing, sorry he's such a jerk, and keep posting. Your work is not done.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues LOL I didn't see me handling that well at all. Especially the sobbing and cursing him out.
And yes that will be a glorious day when I don't want his validation.
But right now I care. I'm not even sure why, but I do. I keep foing from crying to numb to anger and cycling. His "offer" was a slap in the face and it's just surreal.
So, 5 to 10 years huh? Wow. Just, wow.
And Thank you. I am also sorry he is a jerk. So the first day of the rest of my life and all that. I want to be excited about it. But I'm not yet.
Rain. I haven't been following your saga very closely. But I'm so proud of you for what you said. Now that you've stated your needs, don't accept anything less.
Rain. I haven't been following your saga very closely. But I'm so proud of you for what you said. Now that you've stated your needs, don't accept anything less.
You got this.
Thank you Azzork. I appreciate it. And saga seems appropriate.
Good job, Rain. This isn't over yet. He could still come around, get some counseling, and learn that you are too awesome to lose. You never know. I'm hoping for the best for you.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Good job, Rain. This isn't over yet. He could still come around, get some counseling, and learn that you are too awesome to lose. You never know. I'm hoping for the best for you.
Thanks...I am going to get counseling for absolute sure. And I'm no longer holding my breath even though I'm very sad. He seems pretty set on only R if there is zero transparency and me being open to possible future As.
And I won't do that.
But how are you? I know you've had a tough couple of days yourself. Are you okay?
)