Ghostbusting Round 5 Detaching my feelings

[ATPeace]

I thought I would start a new thread

Everything I am learning here is slowly sinking in

The hardest thing I have to do is detach my feelings from the woman that I have loved for the past 25 years I am not finding this easy I do n know if I need to start to hate her I do not know if I need to see her with another man I do not know if I need to see her hating me ....sh must be fairly close to this

I have been out in a couple of meet ups and did not really enjoy myself

She fired me remember this at the time she told me it was not enough housework and not enought time spent with the kids she says I spoke to the children bad and a couple of times I did loose my temper with my son and I did swear at him

Now she feels that I have been emotionally abusive over the course of our marrage and it is This that she is now standing by this and her best female friend that has also seporated after being with her partner for a simila length of time who is standing shoulder to shoulder with her telling her she has to be strong and that she has made the right decision.

For the oast 8 months since BD I have tried to find things to cling onto and try to improve Ghost to be a better husband and no matter what changes I make my w no longer cares she is done caring

She will be selfish
She puts herself first
She is detaching from me day by day
She is improving her business going for interviews
She is making new friends
She makes plans without me
She does not tell me her plans any more
She goes out when she likes and with who she likes
She goes clubbing with her girlfriend comes home at 2.30am
She is saving money to make her new life easier
She is working more and more to be away from the house

THIS is exactly what I need to be doing

The main different I see SHE no longer loves me so it makes the above a dam site easier

I cling to having her in the house with the children in the hope of rebuilding a family unit

We are so far from this point now that I can see no way to do this

So goals for this thread
Gym three times a week
Exercise every day even if it is go for a walk or ride my bike
Join slimming world
Go to at least two meet ups over the next two weeks
Play more tennis
Do more arround the house be a fun loving father to my children
Do my share of the chores

Over the next month I want to loose 12 lbs of weight

Must try harder
My whole life is about me not doing enough so now I must do more

Ghost

[SciDad]

I have been out in a couple of meet ups and did not really enjoy myself

One very quick observation. I wonder if jumping into the meetup groups was too big of a leap? I want to do meetups, too, but I'm intimidated - and I think I'm a lot more outgoing than you.

Can you think of a way to do baby steps toward the kind of interactions you'd like to have at meetups? Like maybe starting by being friendly while grocery shopping? Learning how to chit-chat makes big social interactions a little less scary...

Also, maybe you can try a different GAL activity if it's not working for you. You can always revisit, but the purpose is to make you feel better about yourself. If all you're doing is creating anxiety I wonder if you're ready for that step.

[rd500]

Hi Ghost. Great list. On dropping the feelings for W. Not going to happen anytime soon. What you aiming for is detachment so W actions and words don't affect your mood. It's a long process but you will get there. One thing I found that helped was not watching / looking to see what she was upto and getting on with my life. Take the kids bowling or walking or to visit something locally Keep busy with things for you

It a process and stick to it and you'll move through the process quicker


Take care. Rd

[ATPeace]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2647719&page=11

Old thread ^^^

My W and,I,spoke today she told me she was unhappy living the way we are and thinks it is affecting the children she wants us to go to mediation she knows how much I do not want to be on my own massive fear for me I still do not know how I will cope I get distraught at the thought and break down thinking about it .

I say we can get someone in to values the house she says it is not ready to sell we have had a leak and the ceiling is damaged so I say we have too much clutter and I start to chuck unused things into a bin bag my W flips out as I am chucking other people's things that really are just clutter

Things flared up and I have not ever seen my W so angry ever....she was furious she went to leave the house with my two year old I had no idea here she was planning on going W was crying I was crying this got our daughter crying my W said you are upsetting her I tried stopping her from going she yelled aggressively at me don't you dare do that don't you dare ....she went in to another room crying toddler crying her blaming me it was a horrible situation and one with anger that I have never seen from her we spent the next couple of hrs talking

She sees the only way forward is to be in separate houses and has no intention on working on things

I really am a very long way from accepting things are over and I am a very long way away from being able to cope when my W wants to go into separate houses

I know I am going over much of the same it was just how mad she was that totally took me by surprise

Time to re read Sandis rules and detach some more

[rich4j]

AT peace

Sorry for the sitch as you inhouse separation has to be tough! I am in the same sitch with papers already served and she wants me out out out of the house

Feels its hurting the our D but reality is that it has nothing to do with duaghter but all to do with her wanting out and space

I think being in the same house makes it tough on both of you but every sitch is different. She wants to be in a separate house not your kids.....only thing effecting your kids is when you have a bad situation like you pointed out

I don't know the laws were you live but sometimes if you are the one out, its not a good thing. I hope you can figure out how to have the space you need

[rd500]

Sorry that happened ghost but take it as a lesson Talking does not help , I e been there and it seems like maybe your going to get the info you need or make a break through but you don't and won't

Please don't try to stop her leaving and unless you teally feel there is a danger to your child then let her be

Don't argue over the house get on with the repairs and maybe this will concentrate your mind

Take care. Rd

[sandi2]

I can't really blame your W for getting angry, Ghost. You were acting like a crazy man. I mean, she's trying to leave and you are wrapping yourself around and crying, trying to stop her from going? Get it together before she starts claiming you are a danger to her and the kids.

[pinn]

I say we can get someone in to values the house she says it is not ready to sell we have had a leak and the ceiling is damaged so I say we have too much clutter and I start to chuck unused things into a bin bag my W flips out as I am chucking other people's things that really are just clutter

I am picturing this in my head and I see her trying to have a serious conversation with you about the house and you basically saying... fine if we you want to sell the house then all this sh1t needs to go. Seems like you did that out of anger or frustration. I can see why she got angry. Why do you think she was angry? Did it really take you by surprise?

[JellyB]

Hey G. I'm just playing catch up.

Time to leave the house G. The line was crossed today my friend.

W felt threatened, under pressure, angry AND she was holding YOUR BABY.

This is the behaviour W experiences as a abusive and controlling. And G I would feel the same.

Pack some things and go and stay with your mum like you were talking about with V.

Things need to decompress. W needs you to behave like a man that respects himself, and loves his W and children. Let her feel like you have finally heard and listened to her.

No more of these types of incidents G. ENOUGH. I know managing your emotions is extremely difficult right now, I am coming to realise that your emotions have been switched off for years and this threat to your marriage, has triggered you to having to feel. You go from 0-100 on the emotional scale in no time. But G, sh*t man. The above can't happen again.

You can organise to get the house fixed away from the home. When is your next IC session?

G, Rule of thumb for now, when you want to take an action, STOP! Just don't do anything. Then run the issue and your feelings by us here, we have yours and your family's best interest at heart I tell ya! And then go back in with a plan.

I'll keep checking in G.

Hang in there buddy. Pack that bag!

Jelly xxx

[otw]

at this point it may be best to just get some kind of agreement in place where if someone leaves it is not adbandoment and you get yourself out of there, I think this may get bad staying there in your emotional state.