..and another one.

[roar]

I just remembered...believe none of what they say, half of what they do.

[roar]

Interesting message from the H tonight about wanting to be alone...in life.

doesn't want to be my H, doesn't want to have a relationship with me.

I fell for the bait and asked him questions. I'm kicking myself. I told him I needed some time, and would get in touch with him this weekend. If he has questions about the kid, I'd answer.

Time to DB like a MOFO when he gets home.

[Rednail]

It is okay I fell for the bait when my separated husband tells me things. It is a learning process. We have been separated 2 months and it is kinda slowly getting to where I'm really learning how to 180 and DB.

[roar]

So, after tonight's messages (and this weird side pain keeping me from sleeping) I'm trying to just LET IT GO, let all of the crap he's said go and the idea that he wants to throw me away like a piece of garbage...and letting it go, means getting it out.

I have to stop myself and remember that this isn't about me - I mean, it is because I'm the LBS who is so terrible the H would rather be ALONE than try to work things out with me. Okay, dramatic but it's where my feelings were at. It's about HIM. I keep trying to convince myself of what is going on in his head, I ask him questions and he gets crabby telling me he's already answered them...I remain calm, but he starts to spew crap, rewriting history, etc. As if he's been in that place for years...when in reality, he told me he loved me and I was amazing in December before he decided I was the last person on earth he wanted to be with.

In the future with conversations concerning the R (that I sure as heck won't be bringing up) no discussing important matters via text or phone. Even after he leaves again for his job. This simply has to happen, for everyone's sanity.

Also, if during a conversation he can't respect me enough to answer my questions without ridicule, the conversation is over. He likes to remind me that he's answered it in the past, or nothing has changed, whatever the case may be. I refuse to accept that kind of treatment from any other person in my life, therefore I won't accept it from him as well.

I hate wrapping my head around comments like how he appreciates the changes I'm making, to the whole I don't want to be your husband thing. Maybe I read too much into that, definitely looking to stop all that drama. I found myself daydreaming last night about meeting him at the airport, even seeing him again or kissing him again. That's definitely not going to happen anymore. Although, I will be dressed up and I won't have the kid with me because I'll have my friend hang out so I can pick him up alone. I have so much anxiety about it, but this weird feeling of confidence. I look hot and I feel damn good!

So, as far as now I'm going dark until the weekend out of necessity. I can't handle the back and forth when I feel like much of the issues stem from us being apart for as long as we have been, and realizing as much as we have in a short amount of time. Things like what made us unhappy in the M and so forth keep churning up, the idea of us being different people or strangers and the awkwardness of it all. It's getting to the both of us.

My DB book finally comes today, so I'll be absorbing that this week as well which should help with the going dark for a little while.

Surprisingly, I'm very calm about all of this but still really sad. I've had a few sessions with an IC and she kept reminding me to have a plan, which I do. The details of that plan I'm keeping close to my chest. Do what's best for the kid and I, that's the biggest aspect of it. Rightfully so, I guess.

Sorry I am everywhere tonight....getting it out, getting it out.

I had the same feelings he's having earlier this year, I just kept them to myself. My friend and I would joke that we should just live together and raise our kids together. We'd be so good together because we understand each other. I would fantasize about going it alone, I was not happy with the M. Funny, because it took me understanding and really being objective to see it was never the H's fault because hello...happiness, true happiness is in my hands. I was so co-dependent, so needy and he left and all of that transferred into resentment, into wanting appreciation for doing my job...that we agreed I would do, to me having so many double standards it's ridiculous. I told him last night, I really do feel like I deserved all the grenades he threw my way. It's a taste of my own medicine. BUT, with that said...I feel like because of what I know now, I'm in a position to better understand, better respond and just be the better person.

The past few days the biggest challenge for me has been understanding how to fix the M when if I DB, it perpetuates some of the root cause issues (intimacy, affection) which are both of H's LLs. Then, I think it finally clicked. There is no M. My WAH has checked out. He's not even MY WAH, he just is. Talking about it doesn't help but being about it will, at least for me.

Wow, thunder just boomed...weather and I are in sync tonight!

Going back to my goals and 180s, I want to get right into it.

GOALS (with x-country move in mind)
- don't sweat the small stuff, on the road and with this transition
- be myself! Don't be afraid to laugh or have a good time in his presence
- don't let his emotions/actions affect my emotions/actions
- remember to be calm, graceful and collected.

180s - not all at once, but the big long term ones
- I will keep my feelings/emotions under lock and key and retreat here if needed.
- I will give myself permission to stop mothering and doing acts of service (i.e. laundry, being overly helpful, asking him basic needs stuff)
- I will keep up my appearance daily and dress nicely for myself
- I will maintain my composure and take time out to breathe under stressful conditions
- I will WAIT a day or TWO before making ANY decisions pertaining to my future or my child's future.
- I will exercise regularly after this transition, and will give the H alone time to dad while I do so
- I will keep the house clean without whining or complaining
- I will NOT be baited into unproductive, negative conversations
- I will be positive, polite and kind and AFFIRM AFFIRM AFFIRM
- I will read one book a week and continue to journal
- I will get involved with the special needs/local community
- I will make time at least 2 times a week to do things outside the home
- I will accept the H as a friend without expectation even if it hurts

Lots of them, but they're all in progress. Some more than others. I have some bigger life/career goals in mind but they really require me to have stability. I wouldn't exactly say this is it.

For the first time in a while, there are no knots in my stomach. I'm not crying randomly throughout the day. I'm pretty okay. I don't know if that'll change once he's here in person, but I doubt it. I bet its going to be pretty awkward. Thats about all I know.

[Squiggy]

Much better perspective in this last post of your's. It's good to see you beginning to put boundaries into place and acknowledging what you are worth and not accepting less.

The goals in this post are are very nice and centered on you. Your first list was similar, except for:

- Let the H figure out how to be a dad to the LO

I realize it is about you, and maybe I'm nitpicking, but maybe you could generalize it to a life lesson for yourself without including H? One of my own goals was to truly adapt (and I use this every day!) "Not my circus, not my monkeys." That phrase allowed me to let go and let others live their own lives and learn their own lessons.

So, as far as now I'm going dark until the weekend out of necessity.

It seems like you're having a hard time with STFU, and this might be a great option for you to center yourself again. Let your spew jacket dry some, take care of yourself, be a beautiful mess, and get some rest.

Sorry I am everywhere tonight....getting it out, getting it out.

Liberating, isn't it? That's why we're here!

So now on to the main things that I have really seen you struggling with in your sitch: mind reading and trying to understand the equivalent of insanity. I can't begin to tell you how many times I tried to understand my W during misery. I spent so much time and energy trying to figure it out. Didn't work. Wasn't going to work. As a matter of fact, she even told me later on that SHE had NO CLUE what she was thinking either. Hanging on to every single word, action, breath, minuscule fraction of time spent on the phone with him will not get you any closer to understanding what he wants or is thinking. Like for the LBS, ACTIONS speak louder than words, and they will tell you what is going on.

[Cristy]

Hello Roar,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It sounds like you have done an amazing amount of introspection, which is good! Recognizing that you can only control your own emotions and decisions is huge. Good for you on setting some great goals too!

This particular part of your post really stands out.

The past few days the biggest challenge for me has been understanding how to fix the M when if I DB, it perpetuates some of the root cause issues (intimacy, affection) which are both of H's LLs. Then, I think it finally clicked. There is no M. My WAH has checked out. He's not even MY WAH, he just is. Talking about it doesn't help but being about it will, at least for me.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[roar]

Thank you Squiggy...again.

I feel like I just can't get my head on straight sometimes because my heart is still in fantasy land. I definitely feel like H is insane...but the weird part is I remember being right where he was a few months ago! Same thinking, same feelings, same doubt, despair etc. I figured it out on my own, and I know he will have to do the same. In the mean time, I GAL and 180.

With regards to H and the kiddo, I agree there. I had a bad habit of suggesting/offering help/controlling because of the special needs factor and because I'm the one who knows the ins and outs. Maybe, allowing myself to be less of a helicopter mom would be better?

Heck of a hard time with STFU. I don't want him to think I'm not there for him either. This has been a problem in the past, especially due to the geographical distance and our different lifestyles right now. blah blah blah. See...I will rationalize/justify/talk it all to death and then some. Another thing I'm working on.

ACTIONS ACTIONS...and patience...and STFU. That's going to be interesting next week...cue anxiety.

Seriously, appreciate your insight.

[TimR]

I am so sorry to hear about your issues. I really love your goals and am working on my own as well as my 180s. Good luck to you!
As far as the phone calls and missing you I read either on this forum or in the books (I think the books) where it was said just don't take all of his calls. I think that is good advice. Unfortunately, I am not up to the phone call level so I can not tell you whether it works. Texts are harder! I am sure someone on here can give some advice on that.

[roar]

Thanks Tim! Texts are hard, which is why I'm taking the STFU approach until the weekend since he returns early next week.

So, I messed up this morning...of course, after his "alone" comment and I woke up and saw that he was online and asked him to call me like AN IDIOT. Then, I said "I'm being an idiot"....wowowowow.

He responded with a "?" and I'm leaving it there unless he asks about D4 (I get the kid thing now). I noticed he's been on FB a lot...which is not like him. I feel like he's watching me. Funny, because he said the same about me just the other week.

Okay, on GAL.

I went shopping today, got some tops that make me feel really good - girly and pretty. It was a really good trip with D4, after we got lunch. I downloaded and watched Fireproof today. WOW. Cried...a lot. It looks like my M...and it brought up a question.

The wedding ring? Do you guys as the LBS wear it or not?

I don't want to rub it in his face, that I'm committed when he comes home (I don't want it to be a turn off either) but, I also don't think he really cares. He'll probably assume I'm in denial...or whatever.

Letting him miss me was a good idea I think. It really does feel terrible and I really hope it doesn't push him further away BUT on the other hand, I still have a good amount of time considering we move, and we have a lot to figure out after that. I am fearful that he thinks I'm going to get the D myself and that's going to push him to do something stupid. Again, my head is clearly busy.

I've been so exhausted from not sleeping well - I wake up 3905820 times a night, am freezing, just so terribly sad (why I always text in the AM like a stage 5 clinger) or too hot. Dreaming and waking up to reality is the absolute worst. I think tonight I'm going to watch a few movies while I pack and stay busy until bedtime.

I'm struggling with how to "behave" when he does come home. I haven't seen him in what feels like years, we haven't connected in at least a year...I haven't felt close to him in so long. I don't want the old M back, the old routine or any of that. I keep mulling over whether we'll even sleep in the same bed (whyyyy do I do this to myself?).

Every day, back and forth. I'm learning to welcome it, it passes.

[TimR]

Hi roar. I know all about the sleep problems. I am constantly completely exhausted. When I sleep, I wake and then in the morning reality hits anew. I have gotten good at not texting except about the kids... instead I just drive myself nuts with what can I do to win her back. I dream up solutions and speeches and then realize how stupid they are and they would only drive her further away... if that's possible. I also read the books and don't quite understand the solutions on how they would apply to my case. I could understand if I was in a marriage with problems doing things differently but in my case we have little communication due to the separation. So yeah I am just as bad off.

I have no idea about the rings. I still wear mine while my wife took hers off. I have two issues with it... First we had a fight at the beginning of our marriage and I took mine off for a month. I know that hurt her, so I am trying to avoid more of the same. Also since she said that I do not love her, I do not want to affirm that belief but rather want to present the idea that I am not done or quitting.