New guy

[mbebos]

Slept a full night last night, no extended wakeups, no stomach issues. Ate normally all day yesterday, and no stomach issues today. Finally had some pretty big improvements on the sinus issues I have had for the last week. Still there but on the mend at last.

GAL has been slow. Still trying to find my way on that front. Had a whole day yesterday and most of Sunday with not a lot to do, so that was tough, but spent a lot of time at the bookstore. I have become a bookstore hangout guy in my need to get out of the house, and occupy my mind. Being someone who already spent too much time in my head, this has been tough. I have become obsessed with relationship books, although the ones for good relationships that need tuneups or maintenance I can't really read, because I think too much about not having a relationship to work on and it upsets me. Been reading many of the relationship fixing books to learn more about communication, etc. Some are good, some are really bad, one even looks a lot like DR, without as much detail.

[mbebos]

Yesterday was a rollercoaster for me. I was up and down all day. I was feeling pretty lonely and down, cried for the first time in awhile, although it was short. Got home after work, changed into warm clothes, and sacked out on the couch with my kitties and a blanket.

3 friends all made contact in the same day in a short time period. 2 that do not contact much, and 1 that I haven't talked to yet. 1 helped get my spirits back up by helping me focus on the positives.

Had a conversation with the friend that I hadn't spoken to yet. His W is my W's best friend. My W has not spoken to her at all except a 2 minute conversation of we are split up, I will talk to you soon, but not now. We became close with this couple, and they were there with us right after my mom's death, our house troubles, fertility issues, etc. They have a rocky M. Always up and down, always talking about D and S. He couldn't believe what he had heard that she walked out on me. They don't know about the A, and I didn't say much of anything with regards to details. They are living proof that no matter how rocky things are, you can work things out with hard work and love. His W is the breadwinner and was ready to toss his macho butt out. They are hoping and praying we can work out our M.

[mbebos]

Good morning all. Felt pretty terrible yesterday. (feeling ill).
Skipped the gym, took a half day off of work to recover and found my mind wandering. Went to the book store, couldn't find anything that was keeping my attention, so I called a friend who lives pretty far away and talked with him, while doing laps inside the local mall to at least get some walking in.

Had a DB coach call last night. Went well. She is really challenging me to look inside and take ownership for the things I need to apologize for, for my part of the downfall of my R. It is hard for me, because these things were not absolute, but in the W's mind they were, so that is her reality.

An example of this was me not being thoughtful towards her. Once I was accused of this, and I rattled off probably 10 things in 2 weeks I had done for her out of the norm.
"Honey, I drove you over to work so you wouldnt have to walk in the snow and brought you coffee and breakfast when I did. I bought you a shirt last week of your favorite movie. I brought you your favorite dessert last Tuesday, brought you dinner home on Thursday when I was out with the guys. I went and got you an oil change on Saturday, etc., etc."

Did this defensive response help my situation? Nope. Time to own it and move on. It is just so hard because the facts of the story at that time were so different, but her complaint was more of a complaint of a much longer time period.

Still feeling ill today. Skipped the gym again, slept in an extra hour. Trucking along. Dinner with the guys tonight.

[rich4j]

Mbebos....if it helps at all, I go thru the same cycle of not being able to eat, stomach issues, feeling down in the dumps. One day its good....got my GAL going on , next day I have to deal with the downer as we still are under the same roof

Keep your head up. And easier said than done but continue to work on your yourself...its what I am trying to do but it ain't easy this early on.

[mbebos]

Good morning all. Just checking in real quick. Yesterday was a pretty nerve wracking day for me. The W was starting her therapy yesterday, and I was nervous. I know that I shouldn't be letting her progress control my thoughts, but as a caring H, I worry for her well being. I was on the neutral to feeling down part of the curve. Went out with some friends, and instead of it being my drunk depressed friend, it was a couple people that do not normally come, and it was awesome. I felt good when I went home and to bed. Slept through the night, 4 nights in a row. Still not 100% from earlier in the week and skipped the gym one more time to make sure I am up for it and ready on Monday.

Hadn't heard from her in about 5 days, and she called this morning to tell me about T. Didn't get into what she talked about, but just talked about the place, the therapist, logistics, etc. Sounded very happy with her therapist and the click they had right off the bat. She started to talk about the therapy itself, but stopped on only one short topic.

It was nice to hear her voice. Her beautiful voice, with a touch of light to it.

I was speaking with a friend last night. This friend is a woman that almost every guy I know is in love with her. She is a beautiful person, intelligent, small, beautiful with curves in all the right places, and physically fit. Men swoon over her. She said that she is jealous of how beautiful my W is at any weight, at any time of day, makeup or no makeup, sweatshirt or an nice dress. It doesn't matter. Jealous of her natural skin color, her bright smile, her photogenic qualities. Yet, my W has image issues. She doesn't love herself. She has always said she doesn't find herself as beautiful as people say. The W thinks she is attractive to a point, but not beautiful. I spoke with this friend about the early days with my W and I. I was handsome, skinny, funny and although I wasn't confident, I had a "not giving a darn attitude". That attitude was because I didn't think I was any of those things and it gave me an appearance of confidence. It was more like, I have no shot with this girl or that girl, so I will just be me. Truth is I was scared as heck of my W. She was so far out of my league that if I didn't have an in with a mutual friend, I would have never asked her out. In our early years, we would argue that she was out of my league, I was out of her league, etc.

We would literally fight about how awesome the other person was. What a revelation.

[TxHubby]

You guys and your keeping your spouse's affairs a secret. It's exactly what they want and need for the affair to continue unfettered. I'll never understand it.

[mbebos]

The W stopped by our apartment the other night to pick something up. We haven't been together in the apartment in 2 months. She stayed for a bit, good friendly conversation, she spent some time with the pets, and when she was leaving, one of the cats ran to the screen door that I was shutting behind her, and the noise caused her to turn around, and I saw something in her I didn't expect. She had tears welling up in her eyes, and she looked sad to be walking out the door. Watching her leave out apartment to go back to her parents was so incredibly hard for me. I had a good break down emotionally, and then went out with some friends to turn my mood around.

[mbebos]

Good morning all. I can't shake this last little wave of feeling ill. Been almost a week with no workouts. I was going to try today but still feel pretty awful. I have a doc appointment today, so I didn't want to get up an hour early for a workout I couldn't give 100% to.

This weekend was a wild ride of emotions. There were times when I was thinking my life was over, times an hour later when I was feeling on top of the world, then right back down. Times when I was feeling mad, which is new and times when I just cried my eyes out. I did my best to stay busy. Friday was full, Saturday a little bit, Sunday 50/50.

Today, I am feeling grateful for my cousin. We reunited a year and a half ago after 20 years when dad died, and while she was a pain in the butt in the beginning, right now she is the only person that checks in almost every day. She is older than I am and has 2 grown boys, so she has that motherly instinct. She worries about my eating, my sleeping, the anxiety attacks, etc. I have been spending a lot of time with her family. She had her husband cheat, and get his A partner pregnant. When she left and came back home, he stayed behind, and when the OW dumped him, he came home broken when he realized his W had moved on after the D. She eventually stopped dating the guy she was dating, and let him back in the house for the kids. He never forgave himself. They are "together" today, but not remarried. He still sits in his regret hole, never fully coming back mentally.

I am grateful that she has been there for me.

[mbebos]

Nothing much to report the last couple days. No contact from W since Friday. Vertigo has been kicking my butt, so the gym hasn't been going that well. I did do about a third of my workout yesterday, and about half of my workout today, so that is an improvement.

Sleeping has been going well. I have been sleeping through the night for about a week now. I am still waking up tired, but improved. Stomach issues are still there, although I do not know if it is more about the vertigo, or nerves and anxiety. Something that is worrying me, is I have lost all of my love of food. Since I was a toddler, I wanted to be a chef. While I never became one, I became an obsessed home cook. I cook for others, out of love. Often I would spend all day on a meal, and when it came time to eat, I would eat something else, because I already was satisfied by the process of cooking and didn't even want to eat it. I know it sounds weird.
Lately, I have been eating healthier (no junk food), losing weight, and going to the gym as much as I can, but I have no drive to eat. I stand in the cafe at work staring at the choices, and end up eating something lame just to get something in my stomach, or I eat a protein bar. Aside from going out with my friends on Thursdays, I haven't been eating meals, just snacks all day.

I have been all nerves and anxiety, and now I am on the downswing of that, feeling depressed. IC tonight, and a divorce/separated support group I am going to for the first time.

[mbebos]

Not much new to report. Anxiety is through the roof. Last couple days have been really bad. I went home sick from work yesterday from another issue, and yesterday and today has been bad. I just have the feeling of impending doom looming over me. IC is weird for me. I am still waiting to see what it is they "do" aside from listen to me complain. I know it is still early so I am keeping an open mind, but waiting for when the "work" starts. I go again on Monday, so we will see how that goes.

The W called this morning, and for the first time I wasn't wanting to hang on every word. I was friendly, but to the point and got off the phone. Every time she would call I would feel instant excitement and then let down after the call. Today it was just different. I am tired of it.