do nothing or what

[mutatio]

Is she always like that or was she having a bad day?

[roist]

I have been doing that to some extent. And I love my alone time with them. Win for everyone.

My question was moreso for when W is like this weekend do I do something different ? And do I mention it this evening?

One other question. At times when she is "unhappy"witg someone she will ask if it them or her? I often try to validate and say the actions/words of the other person are inappropriate, rude or whatever.But there are times that it is plainly her.

This weekend was exceptionally bad. But I want to learn from it. All comments welcome

[roist]

Mut, this weekend was not typical though to a lesser degree she has similar moments. Because it was exceptional I wonder if I should bring it up?

On the upside it makes detaching easier!

[mutatio]

She sounds like she is interested in communicating more effectively. This is an opportunity for connection. I think I would model validating speech in household/family discussions. I would help her by example and talk to her alone after she "drops the verbal ball". Only if she is receptive. It may also indicate where her head is at. I am sure she is struggling with her own demons. Your marriage problems are hard on her too.

I would continue to DB, but a healthy dialog about communication will only help the family. If I'm wrong, you may return this free advice for a refund.

[roist]

Earlier I mentioned the tool to change character traits well here are my two lists. The traits I am working on changing are 1. low self esteem, 2. Indecisive/ unsure what to do 3. A pleaser putting my needs last. 4. Doubter/pessimist 5. Communication. Keep everything to myself.

The traits I am working towards are: 1. Assertive/confident 2. Decisive 3. Optimist.PMA 4. Empathize, validate, 5. emotionally open.

Many here have worked on themselves and their characteristics.I have repeated mine here again. Firstly to remind me where I need to focus but also to ask for any tips, insights, info, tools, etc that could help me transform myself.

I am making headway to some extent on much of this. I am more confident. I am not as assertive as I want but I am less passive. This will take time as I don't want to be assertive just to be assertive. As I progress with my path this will become clearer.
I am making more decisions, not letting W decide everythingbut to be fair she does involve me mostly in decisions and stuff esp related to kids.

I am optimistic about the future. My pma is better but definitely could be better, but I am working on that. I am not optimistic about having a fulfilling R with W, but I think it is still a possibility. I have not given up, but I accept where we are.

Anyway without outlining all my little details, the point of this post is to search new ideas to help me rebuild Roiste2.0

[mutatio]

I have a very similar list and attitude. I am working on it in a passive manner. I am not sure how to do it otherwise. For example, I want to be more assertive, so when a situation arises, I remember and I try to be. It is a passive approach but don't know any other way to do it. I guess I could walk around with a score card saying I must be assertive three times this morning. Now that I think about it maybe that's whats needed drill it into my head, like muscle memory.

[roist]

Mu, I think for me the assertiveness will gradually insert itself. As I gain more self respect, more clarity, more confidence I will automatically assert myself where appropriate. But I welcome any feedback

Oh I forgot to mention, that I am really starting to like the guy in the mirror. This ishuge for me. I am not saying I am perfect or anything like that but after years of never really liking myself, I am finally feeling good about ME. Again there is room for improvement, but my opinion of myself has taken a big upturn and is rising.

[roist]

I have a few questions about communication.

Ours is getting worse and worse or rather less and less. I am not overly motivated to try to talk to someone who is not willing/able to talk to me. So now we have exchanges instead of talking. It sukcs but seems to be beyond me at this point.

By not talking I seem to just be a spectator watching my M disintegrate aa painfully slow pace. That being said I do believe a R talk is not going to help. It has been a year since we talked about US.

There are so many things I would like to say to my W. Can ye please give me any opinions on whether I could/should say the following:

1. I have an aunt dying of cancer. I am in regular contact with my cousins. This is bringing back loads of emotions from when my dad went through this a year and a half ago. During that time I spent a good bit of, time away from my family to be with him. I do not regret that but I know it left my W with the kids a lot. I want to mention this to my wife and acknowledge that it probably wasn't easy on her.

2 one of us has a memory problem. She recently has said on several different occasions that I said X or Y or Z. Or that I never answered something I did answer. I remember saying A, B or Cand answering. I usually calmly restate what I said and let it slide. But she seems frustrated by me saying X and then saying I said A. Understandable except for me I said A both times. I often feel like saying WTF but i hold that back.None of this is serious stuff, but still.Can I say in some way that this concerns me? Know I cannot fix her and to try will surely backfire.

3. This is a more general version of 2. In general I am not happy to just sit back and observe her struggle. I am not talking about jumping in to fix her but at least acknowledge I see she is not well. Rereading this one I probably know the advice!

4. I know she is stressed about money. But instead of trying to talk to me about it she says comments about not being able to afford this or that. I am doing a lot of thinking about a medium term.solution. in the short term I am doing what I can and we are managing to get by. Ironically I would be much more efficient if I didn't have my M to worry about. Should I jump in and explain my view of this.

As part of my self improvement plan improving my communication skills is included.I have reread the boundaries & validation threads and other resources.

On a separate note, is it possible to change the name of a thread?I have thought about starting a new thread to talk mainly about my self improvement plan as I hoped by bouncing specific topics around it could help me and others.

Got to go
Thanks for reading
Best wishes and good weekend everyone.

[Zephyr]

Hey roiste, dont have a ton of time this week so i will try to keep this short (uh-oh, zephyr posts never = short)

The letter is a tricky one. Do you need to get thst all off of your chest or so you want to break through her ice somehow. Maybe both. If you could write this to help your healing and progress, with absolutely no expectatuins for anything coming of it, then fine.

Else just write it out and burn it. That is where it will do most good...is you putting pencil to paper.

I have an odd question...when was the last time you did something phun together? Spontaneous (ya is hard with kids and jobs and life).

Is there a way you could just get a sitter for a coupke of hours and go out to a club or dancing or sonethung. Tell her, look...i know things have been strained...i would love to just go out and BE. If she doesnt want to go. You shoukd go anyway.

Just an example...i dint know what your W likes to do. There were a couple of outing where my 'live in roomate mother of my children who wanted nothing to do with me' did go out with me. There was an expression she used, "i dont want to give you the wrong idea about this."

I took it as 'i will go but dont expect to get any' so maybe you can get out in front of that and say something along those lines, take some of the pressure off of the decision and just go out.

It will do a couple of things. Shows her

You are a fun guy
You want more from her than just sex
You are able to plan and lead
You are interested in her having fun too

Either way go out and have a good time.

Now this might not be the best advice for everyone, but at this point you are workng towards a stalemate and need to sacrifice a pawn to continue this game. It is not a matter of win -lose, just moving forward off of the standstill.

Light and breezy, no talk of future, if she says yes and something along the lines of this doesnt mean 'insert WAW crap speak' just reply, of course not i just wwnt to go out and have a good time.

Last one, i know your pain and struggles are taking a toll on you...how much of that shows through on yhe times you do have interactions? How much of that soarkling PMA is available when you are really fuming or disappointed or focusing on the struggle.

I sometimes catch myself in the car with just the two of us just sitting in sikence. Inam in the middle of thought about something, anything coukd be marriage coykd be something else...but sikence between us. I have to recenter and bring myself back into the fold. Try to stsrt a conversatiin with her...jibberish, nonsense, try to sing along with the radio to break that silence, i start laughing out load about a joke i heard thst fay, ask her what she is reading lately. It is kind of a breach in the 37, i guess...but not really. We are trying to BUILD communication.

[roist]

Guess I am just having a bad day. A lot of emotions popped up after posting.I guess my GAL and working on myself were only distractions and I am not doing as well as I thought.

I have a heightened respect for the likes of Zypher, caliguy and those guy; n the mlc threads. I know now that I am not in their league. It has been about two months since I cried over my M. But it came out in the last hour. I actually thought I was finished with the tears.

Worst part of it is that there was no real trigger. I just was overcome by the thought that there is no way things will turn around.
This is not the R I want. W is not able or willing to improve things. And I doubt I can wait her out. I am not just waiting but I see me being where I want to be long before she even considers working on us.

I am disappointed to be writing again about my doubts of how long I can stand for.

I have been focusing a lot on self-improvement etc and am making progress. I am going to keep plugging away at that, but I am going to put dome more energy into plan B. I am not giving up but I want to prepare for the future with more serenity. Being my own boss has been great and I love my flexible hours. But I need better money and a contract should I look for a loan. Sometimes I am not sure I could work for someone else again.Other times it excites me. Today it feels like a necessary evil.

Earlier in the week I took off my ring to clean it. I leave it to soak in coke and then clean it. I am not sure I want to put it back on. That is a change for me.

Apologies for being all over the place today. I've had a bug all week and I guess being tired affects positivity.

Is it just LBS fog talking or do most LBS think that the problems in their M are surmountable. I honesty think ours are but doubt we will. That is a real shame. Especially for our sons. They are the reason I am still standing. I am not sure how I feel about W.

Hopefully with all that out of the system I can be productive this after noon.
I am not a complete mess all of the time but I probably only post when I am.

Time to go find some happy thoughts.