I received DR yesterday and began reading. Even though I'm just starting there is so much in there in I know my W should read but I will not show it to her yet. I know she is still not in the position to think rationally and especially if something came from me.
Other things she has said about why she sees no future is that she has been suffocating and can't breathe. She wants her independence and to stand on her own two feet. I have been wanting there to do this for years but until now has always leaned on me to do the finances, the phone calls, etc. when I have asked for her help it's been too difficult, not enough time etc. She tells me she never goes out, that I stop her going out. I ask her what she has organised, does she want to to a course, she talked about a yoga class but never looks into it. Am I supposed to organize her life for her?
I agree detaching is hard, but for me it has been therapeutic as I don't have this weight on me to look after her the way she has always wanted. It has been interesting watching her try and put on her 'big girl pants', this is a girl that has filled our car with fuel 4 times in over 2 years ( we only have one). The difficult bit for me is that these are all things I have wanted her to do within the relationship and now she feels she can only get this by taking the family apart.
in one of her spew sessions, she told me I have no control over who she sees or what she does. For the last month I haven't asked but when I didn't say where I was going she said I was leaving her stranded and being thoughtless by only saying I was going out at the last minute. (I go to the gym after the kids are in bed) Is this double standards normal during these times?
Now she wants to give me all sorts of information about where and who see goes to see but she has only gone out once in the last month. I have wondered if the OM is still in the picture as I thought she would go out more. Or she is actually sticking to the boundary I put in place, but then that doesn't seem to find the common behavior.
I do leave her to her own thoughts by giving her space often, as much as I would like to put my arms around her and say we will work it out, I don't want to for me. I can admit my mistakes that put our marriage into trouble and learn from them but to help me detach I think about the betrayal and the neglect affairs have on a family. I don't think of the damage to me anymore, I focus on how she has neglected the kids. I have also noticed a shift in the kids, they come to me more than they used to. I know this is down to me being stable and consistent for them over these past 2 months in particular. We were all out for a walk as a 4 this past weekend and if I was too far ahead or round a corner, my daughter would run after me calling even though my W was right with her. So I would wait or come back and pick her up. My W was very quiet in these times and maybe she is seeing the shift also.
Continue being the best dad you can be and do not tolerate disrespect. Your response to a spouse that disrespects your marriage is what you've been doing. Detach, move on. You don't owe her any information about your comings and goings unless she wants to be part of your family "team". You plan your comings and goings with your team and no one else. If she wants to be part of that team, that's great, but there are rules to live by. Rule #1, no disrespecting the marriage or each other. If she doesn't want to be part of that team, that's fine too, you can't force her, but then she must learn what that will be like. She can't be a cake eater. She can't have her husband and family and her freedom to be a single woman too. Nope. Sorry. That's not an option to be part of your team.
You can't nice them back. You're worth more than that. Demand to be treated like you have worth. Accept nothing less. Nobody ever respects a doormat. If you try to nice her back it'll only cause her to lose respect for you and withdraw further from you. You're the leader of your family. Accept that role and be the leader.
Hang in there. Sounds like you are getting to a better place for you and your family.
I don't have the EA/PA thing (I don't think), though a lot of what you are dealing with sounds very familiar. Its hard. I guess that's why the DR book recommends looking for the small changes from others as encouragement. That includes seeing that you are building a better relationship with your kids, which is super important. You can't change your W, but you can be a better person for yourself and your kids.
Exercising is a great stress reliever - its part of my salvation as well. You can also take a little joy in knowing that by getting in better shape you're giving her more to miss ;-) Though most importantly you're back to taking care of yourself, so you are able to act on your core values of helping the ones you love.
This was ok for about 3 months then the contact slowly increased over the next 3 months to the point they were talking several times a week. when I questioned this the response I got was that it wasn't important and I was being petty
It can be mind blowing how a WW can twist and justify an A. I bet if it had been you with some OW, she would not have it being petty.
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A few days after that she had her christmas party, she called the kids before bed but as she talked to me I knew she was lying to me about something. Needless to say, I followed my gut and found her at her colleagues place. Her first words to me were that the affair was going to start tonight. She then said our marriage was over and had been for awhile. I suggested she come home and work on this but she stayed there for the night. The next morning she arrived back at the house as I was taking the kids to school and daycare. She stayed and we talked a bit when I got back. She said it as a mistake to stay with him but she no longer loved me and wanted out of this roller coaster we were on. Again I made the usual mistakes of telling her to think about the kids, that we were just at a stage of things turing around for us etc.
So, she spent the night with the OM, and went home the next morning as if nothing had happened? Maybe it's b/c I am just getting your side of the story, but it sounds as if you were the one that was pleading for her to stay, even though she had just committed adultery. Did she ask if she could say, or use her threat of leaving as her leverage? Has she ever done anything like this before now? Did she have a lot of sexual partners before getting M?
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The week before Christmas, we talked after the kids were in bed about presents for the kids. We hadn't fought and had spent time together with the kids. She was supposed to come back to the house on the Wednesday for breakfast but didn't show, I had to call our friends and remind her that she told the kids she would have been there for breakfast. When she finally turned up, I asked her why she let them down (I knew she had gone out the night before) she said she had been to have a beer with the OM. Then proceeded to shout at me that I had no control over what she does or who she sees, I calmly said it does when it affects the kids. Sorry, rambling now.
No problem rambling, but wow, have you ever seen her have similar behavior?
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Sandi, I have read your story several times and I guess you were one of the people I looked forward to hearing from the most. I have read most of the links already before posting. I guess I look to you for that side of the fence. I know that every individual is different but your position and experience is closer than my own.
Oh my, I don't what to say.....except I will try my best to give you the viewpoint of most WW's.
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I will add some other information, currently her father health has been declining and my W had a cancer scare but was clean. I have felt that some of this could be a MLC also.
Did this begin before things between her and OM began getting thicker?
What are the ages of you and your W?
Stay with us and we will try our best to help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Cristy, you mentioned I had seen changes in her behavior and to be cautious, which I am. Can I ask you what you mean by those changes I see? As I have read we ignore pretty much all she says and 50% of what she does. Are the things I see just someone being civil or is there the potential for her to still be conflicted within herself. I know patience is the key and I'm not going to push her or ask her about anything.
Hello Si_07,
I'm glad your DR book has arrived and you are reading it. Please pay attention to Cadet's message regarding not sharing it with your wife. These are your tools right now.
You are exactly right to not believe any of what she says and only 1/2 of what she does. Her changes could be that she is having inner conflict, temperature checking you, cake eating, or any number of things. Don't get sucked into mind reading on this.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hi Cristy, I understand that it is fragile but I will find it difficult to call as she is still in the house and I have a time difference with you as I am in Europe.
We have many, many clients that call from all over the world. Look for an international calling card with a reduced rate that would work for you. Our DB Coaches have a variety of time slots available to accommodate all sorts of schedules. Geography isn't a hurdle when it comes to being able to get the guidance you need from a DB Coach.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Thank you Cristy, I did try to call but you were out at the time. It's more that my W is in the house most nights. One of her complaints about me is that I 'stop' her going out but in the last month she has only gone out once.
As I have been reading DR, (I have just finished chapter 5) the questions I have are regarding the possible improvements that can be seen. In the past week I have spent little time with her outside of our children and kept any conversations short but polite. She is regularly curious about my day, where I go, if I had a good time when I have gone out. When I read about the LRT, it seems to fit what is written as the second possibility of things that could happen. I'm certainly not going to get ahead of myself and think things are getting better per say but I know she has been asking friends about 'my changes'. I even had one of her best friends call me by 'accident' (something she has never done), and she asked how I was. I kept it short and just said I had looked into myself and was working on me.
Like I said before, I am happy with the path I'm on and will continue on it. I am not going to try and read her mind as it seems to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
I have been thinking of something the past few days and maybe here is the best place to garner opinion. Part of what she seems to want is independence, she feels she is too tied to me (something that is fine when it suits her). With our house I have been the one to pay all the bills and take care of 95% of the paperwork especially as we built it. She has one more month here before this apartment is available. I had Been considering suggesting to her that she takes care of all the house stuff for this next month and to say I am happy she is looking to stand on her own two feet. To give her that opportunity that till now she has never wanted to do. Any thoughts?
