I guess it's not even giving them slack, it liking them because they do these things and these things are very human.
I think Julie I am just trying too hard to be everything to myself and everybody else. But I am not sure how to be any other way. I guess what you and V and Zues are all saying is stop trying to be anything other than what I am.
I guess I get confused about trying to figure all the things that I did that led me to have two failed relationships with two reasonably honest good men. Trying to fix my lack of friendships and social connections and trying to fix why I limit success in my life. Your supposed to fix these things to have a better life, to avoid making the same mistakes over again. Although V advocates for making lots of mistakes and growing that way.
God when I write it like that...oh dear! I'm f**ked!! Aarrraagggghhhh!
Hey there Jelly - just checking in and really loving the care you are getting here - including the care you are giving yourself. You may consider it navel gazing but really isn't it just trying to figure out the world? I find myself doing this all too often too. The questions you ask about men and time and space are great questions to ask, but I guess it all depends on the man. (sorry to backtrack so far - your thread moved very quickly - that's a lot of care )
Yes U, I have been very fortunate of late to be shown a lot of love and investment. I am very grateful to those that really do care about me and what happens to me. I don't think I have ever experienced such care and love in my life. It is an usual feeling being on the receiving end. I'm awkward with it sometimes. Clumsy even.
I would say that many of the men that I know don't really seem to be interested in giving their wives the time that they want, and seem selfish to me, but there they are still married, and here I am - not so much. I always found myself on the other end of the spectrum and was criticized by my male friends for being too close, not independent enough and more derogatory terms. I laughed it off and thought I knew what I valued and what I didn't need in my life.
I don't know if this is something that I would necessarily change about me, I guess I would fit more into my life. More her, more kids, and mix in more me with that. I don't think changing my priority to all me is what I would do though. Even after this mess, I still would keep the R as the priority. Maybe I am destined to fail.
I would love a man in my life who was prepared to prioritize a relationship with me. I have not had that experience with either Mr M or Mr Ex. But as you said maybe that is not the expectation to have. I always felt that I came after everything. After the cycling, after Mr Ex's daughter, after work, after, after, after.
But anyway - find the love you have for yourself (was there a time that you loved yourself or was proud of yourself? remember those moments and work toward those feelings again). Sure just saying now I love myself may not do the trick, but to build around a time that you actually loved yourself may help. I was reminded of a former me over the weekend by some old friends and it surely helped me focus on at least liking myself again.
I think we have talked about this before U. Loving myself has never been something I have been able to do, liking myself has been a stretch. I think that I have always felt a sense of underachievement in my life so haven't felt worthy of thinking well of myself.
If I am completely honest. I have a list in my head that goes something along the lines of.
1. Fat - fail 2. Virgin till 29 - Fail 3. First relationship and 35, ended - fail 4. Second relationship at 39 ended - fail 5. No marriage - fail 6. No children - fail 7. No home of my own- fail 8. Completely crazy - fail 9. Socially phobic -fail 10. No career progress - fail 11. Financial mediocrity- fail
I run this list over and over in my head to the point that I don't even recognise that I'm doing it anymore. I have read that there are a group of people who find it very hard to engage consciously with their successes and achievements. I don't know why I do it. Likely habit more than anything. Just so practiced at it , that I barely notice it.
I had supervision with my supervisor today. Interesting conversation. She wanted to know how I was going. She reviewed a piece of work that I had completed and she gave me positive feedback on what I had done. Which was nice, as I have been struggling to find a comfortable narrative style for writing my assessments. Its a new tool and I haven't liked not knowing how to do it.
But the interesting part of the conversation related to an observation I had made of myself with an interaction with a colleague. This colleague is incredibly dynamic worker, gets social work practice, but is also onto it strategically. Gets the bigger picture stuff and is a brilliant networker. And she is one of the most upbeat positive spin people I have come across. When talking with her about practice related issues she is always very clear and frames her stuff incredibly well. I guess to sum it all up, I am intimidated by how good she actually is.
My Social Work style is incredibly different. I know my stuff, theory and practice, but I don't have her flare. My style is soft but clear, I am likely far more therapeutically minded. I like the deeper connections both in what I read but also in my applications. More an observer and feeding back to people what I notice.
But here is the point. I was discussing my overall experience of my colleague and my sense of self in relationship to her, and said " I alway feel like the negative nelly, or downer when I'm in a room with S (colleague). I feel like whatever I say is never right or good enough when S is involved in the conversation. My supervisor made to critical observations.
1. This is not a competition JellyB 2. I don't perceive you to be a negative person at all.
So we discussion my tendency to constantly compare myself to others and we discussed that I have a difficult time gaging people's perceptions of me.
I am trying to give up the bad habit of comparison. My supervisor asked where I often put myself. I said always below or less than. We discussed how this was likely contributing to my feelings of my career stalling.
And talked a little about the my sense of people's perceptions. Often that I project my feelings about myself onto others, and assume that they feel as I feel about myself.
We ended the supervision with me explaining that same days it was a challenge being in my head. She laughed.
I am not sure why I shared that with you lovely U.
I miss you when you aren't around. I wish you would stop by more often.
Anyway I will stop by your thread with some light fluff, just to get your thread bumped.
"Can I ask Mu, why this quote has resonated with you."
I am trying to understand how to turn myself around. I love my wife so deeply and cannot get rid of my longing for her. This comes from somewhere. I see in the quote that my mind wants to detach from her and my heart does not. I feel like Sisyphus. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't go forward and I can't go back. Why do I continue to love someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I guess my only choice is to love her and surrender to fate my future.
The quote was a way out of here for me. Like all other things I've tried, it's a dead end. I am sorry to have dumped this on your thread. I sought you out for your wisdom in matters of the heart. I'm sorry, I can't fix myself, my drama is not even that interesting.
Mu you are welcome to my place to share anything at anytime. You sound sad and heartbroken. There is no need to dismiss these feelings of love and attachment.
I can honestly say without a shadow of doubt that I still love Mr M, we have not been in each other's lives in any other way for the last 5 years other than the occasional phone call, text or coffee catch up.
It took a long time to not to feel the heartbreak and loss of him. To feel the love and be so overwhelmed by it. But the ache disspates over time. Life does continue, the colour is off life a little for a time, until one day you feel ok. I can look at Mr M now and I can feel happy that he has found someone who truly gets him and makes him feel loved. I never made he feel that way. It was my desire but I really did never make him feel that way.
Mu, you are living in an unnatural circumstance of being close to your lover, partner and friend and unable to make connection. It is inhumane and torturous. Don't ignore the reality of your situation. But recognise too that the heart and mind are operating under emotional warlike conditions and to have a pardon or leave from the hell would be liberating.
I have said this a couple of times on the board this week. That life and lessons come back on themselves. You have been doing the work Mu. The hard graft, the digging dig into yourself. For a this time your focus has been on you and your business. So for a moment you have peaked your head up and found that your sitch are the same. This saddens you and brings you back to feelings of grief and lost love. This is shift Mu. Because although it looks the same, you are seeing with different eyes and feeling with a different heart. Once the hurt and loss and heartache are felt, a new understanding and insight will come. Likely a new action or maybe just sitting with what is.
I would love to lighten this load for you my marvellous Mu. A thought springs to mind and this may not be your thing at all. I wonder if a therapuetic massage would be helpful. I know that your love language is Physical touch. Maybe some gentle touch would provide either some relief or some release. I am a physical touch girl. And I have found massage a good release for this at times. I have cried a couple of times on the massage table. Therapists expect it.
Once again please feel free to come by my thread anytime. My door is always open and hug always extended. You are very much loved.
JellyB, the following was also posted on my thread. It is part thank you, part words of encouragement. Could not decide where it belonged, so I posted it to both our threads.
Originally Posted By: JellyB
People who aren't regular posters get a bit lost in the noise of this place sometimes, so I tend to watch for them. Just so you know.
JellyB, thanks again for the advice. As a non-regular poster, I do sometimes feels like I am posting to myself exclusively. I want you to know how nice it makes me feel to know that someone is looking out for me. Even if you don't reply, it means so much to me to know that you and others are watching over me. you picked up on my insecurity without me even having to mention it. Very empathic of you.
Also, I read your most recent thread. It seems like you have a knack for identifying the strength in others, but that you are simultaneously completely blind to your own strengths. I have news for you. You are already a butterfly: you are living your life, tribulations and all. You are striving towards self-improvement.
Remember the Lion from the Wizard of Oz? He was afraid that he had no courage, but he had it all along. the proof was in his journey. Are you on a journey at present? I am assuming then that you have the sufficient courage to complete the journey.
Quote:
For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. -Alfred D. Souza
We all need to keep on keepin' on. Your life is not turning out the way you expected it. Is anyone's? That does not change who you are. A soul. When I read your last post to me, I thought to myself, who is this awesome DIVA? Another Ancaire, Another Vanilla, Another Sotto, Another Sandi? WOW! I challenge you to prove to me that you are NOT awesome.
Feeling very blessed today. Much love to you all. Chin up!
"The only real failure is the failure to try. And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment. As we always must. We came here, and we tried. All of us, in our different ways. Can we be blamed for feeling we're too old to change? Too scared of disappointment to start it all again? We get up every morning, we do our best. Nothing else matters....
.... But it's also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing; has nothing. All we know about the future is that it will be different. But, perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same. So, we must celebrate the changes. Because, as someone once said "Everything will be all right in the end. And if it's not all right, then trust me, it's not yet the end."
I've been thinking about your post for a few days but didn't know how to respond as kits very similiar to what I was processing at the time. The idea of comparing my life to anothers, feelings of not being good enough and feeling like I failed. That pursuit of finally being good enough for something or someone. Its saddens me to think you see yourself as a failure because of all those things that may not have went your way. Things that very well could have been completely out of your control up until now. Things you associate with you and don't take into account life doesn't always go the way we would like it and that doesn't mean something is wrong with us.
So I worked out in my thread the problems of trying to fix things in myself and that came to a loop. If trying to fix ourselves is the problem, would stopping that fix us? But then I wonder, how can I grow as a person and become a better person if I'm not trying to fix myself, because fixing myself is one of my problems. Then I thought back to your post before how I always phrased things that I'm working toward fixing myself, showing me I'm broken. Showing that I don't accept myself as I am now but if I change into a new person I will. Yes, were all broken but that seems to also conflict with the idea we are all perfect just the way we are and should accept ourselves. But if we accept ourselves then how can we grow into something better.
I realized I was looking at things way too black and white. I always assumed I seen things from a balanced perspective. I've spent a great deal of time trying to understand W and stay in a place where I can empathize with what shes been through but not ignore the consequences of what shes done. Where I can see my role in the down fail of our M, but not ignore those issues because W is doing something worse. Outside, I think I see things very non black and white, but inside myself, that seems to be all I see.
Take being overweight as an example. I look at myself and I'm not happy with it. I don't accept how I look and its possible I never will regardless of how much I weight. So is the problem my weight or how I view my weight. If the problem is how I view it then accepting myself is the solution. But then by accepting there would be no reason to change it. So that makes me stuck. I chase the idea of what will make me happy instead of being happy. But heres where I think I see it too black and white. I can work towards being more in shape but love myself now also. Therse nothing wrong with accepting who I am now and still wanting to grow. Just because I want to grow into something else doesn't make the person I am now wrong, or the person I could be later right. Its just another aspect of my life and place I can be.
Again, I'm still exploring this and working through it so I might just be talking out of my a$$ and my view could be completely different in a another month.
Something that made me click was with my eating urges a few days ago. I told myself I wanted to lose weight, I had to go on a diet, I had to do this or that to get to a place where I'll be happy with myself. During those times I cave and eat an enormous amount of food, stop exercising and punish myself. So that day I decided to tell myself, I'm ok the way I am and its also ok to be working toward being more in shape. It doesn't mean either will make me happy, I need to do that inside regardless of what is outside. So knowing that, I stopped and got some fast food. I didn't beat myself up over it but I also didn't order the crazy amount I usually get. I got 1 single burger, without a meal(it was still a big burger) and I enjoyed it. The panic of needing to be smaller and weigh less causes me to do the opposite, overeat and be lazy. But, when I accepted myself I ate reasonably and even thought it may not have been the best, I didn't binge eat later in the day. I think that's why I like some of the paleo but doing the 80/20 portion. Right now maybe its more like 50/50 but that's ok. Its still better than the 100/0 I was doing off and on before(the 100 being all bad).
So all these things I knew about weight loss in the past, they never clicked. I cant do a diet to lose weight, I need to make a lifestyle change. That lifestyle change might just be accepting I can be at the weight I am now, or smaller, and still be happy. The irony of this kills me right now more than you know!
Sorry to spam, just working out thoughts. Hope they help. I think most of our problems are really only problems because we see them as problems that need to be fixed. So maybe fixing the problem is the problem, but its also ok to work toward changing as long as its not consuming us as a "problem that needs fixed to be happy".
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
