I haven't thought about Mr Ex in any real way for sometime. Probably since about May/June of last year when I was in the hell of fighting of a hospital infection.
I don't talk about him at all now, maybe a passing comment, but the gripping pain that used to wrench my gut doesnt happen anymore, when I say his name out loud or talk about an activity I did with him. That is gone and that is good.
But there is a legacy that hits me every now and then about the absolute disappointment I feel in him as human being and someone I chose to trust with the very essence of me. I am very cognisant of human frailty, I deal with it every day in my work. I have an endless amount of empathy and hope and care for people who have made a complete mess of their lives and treated others with unrelenting cruelty and disregard.
But Mr Ex's behaviour cuts closer and is more hurtful. I still don't understand why he couldn't see my pain and confusion. I still don't understand why the answer to the problem was to determine that we were incompatible and that it was easier for him flick me away lick a cigarette butt than it was to find something within himself to support me through the terrible hell I was in.
I have let go of the accussatory rage and despairing disappointment I weilded towards myself for not being enough, not being more, not being different. I whipped and lashed myself for months and months (Well years and years if you pile on top all my daddy issues).
I guess I have now replaced the disappointment in myself with the disappointment I feel in Mr Ex. And this disappointment, plays mind games with me about my future. It manifests in my fear in loving someone as deeply as I did him. I feel guarded in a way I haven't before.
Am I am generally an open book, once I allow someone to know me, I don't hide anything. I am picky about who I let into my inner circle. So to be so utterly betrayed by someone I let in. Like really exposed myself to, all my vulnerablities. I am angry in way that he exposed an innonence that I had.
My innocence was that love and commitment prevail over human ignorance and fraility. I am not sure I like a world where there isn't a level of romanticism about what human beings are capable of within intimate relationships. I miss the naievty I once had.
I am dating men and I see myself watching every word and action that is going to give me some clue to the way they are going to rip my heart out and make me watch as they break it one piece at a time.
So I am fearful I guess.
And fearfulness is the opposite of love really is it not?
Mr Ex broke something in me on October 5th 2015. But maybe too he fixed something. Or maybe I did.
In all the pain and devastation of a dream lost, I guess I found something that I would never likely experienced, or maybe I would have, the higher power has plan to get you where you need to go regardless the path you take to get there.
I am learning that not all pain needs to be suffered
I am learning that just because you think it needs fixing doesn't mean it's broken.
I am learning that appeareance doesn't determine value.
I am learning that comparison with always leave you feeling that you come up short.
I am learning that self compassion can heal any emotional wound, especially those you given in childhood.
I am learning that emotions just are, they come, they go - and you remain.
I am learning that happiness can and likely needs to be fleeting. I am learning it is not necessarily the noblest of goals to achieve.
I am learning that you love someone because of their flaws and not inspite of them.
This is not the post I thought I was making. Oh well.
You once commented that we won't find the intimacy we're craving in this world. I agree with that.
I posted some things on my thread that show I don't believe much in a marriage in which two people are compatible, bring out the best in each other, are functional, and fulfill each other. More and more I think this is the fantasy that people chase that destroys the reality that is achievable in this world.
What I do believe in is someone who will stick by your side even when it is bumpy. Who accepts that the butterflies don't stay forever, that we won't get all of the things we hoped we would out of our lifelong relationship. There is something even more romantic to me about the idea of two people sticking it out, even when it is just grinding through life, feeling lonely, feeling disappointed. To me that's true love. Because love is the act of staying, not the feeling of delight.
And maybe then, when those two people expect it least, they will have a moment or two in there when they realize how much they understand and love each other. Fleeting, like happiness. And like happiness it disappears if it is chased, vanishes with breakups and affairs. But if it is released and set free, it will come back and visit the marriage from time to time. But the beautiful thing is that when it leaves for a while both partners would know it will return someday. I believe that's what marriage is.
As for finding a partner that shares that belief...who knows. I am in a strange place. I can't see the future anymore. I can see now. I have goals just enough to me walking down the right path for me, then I let go and turn back to what's in front of me. I have faith that whatever is up ahead will be challenging and rewarding, whatever that is, and whether it looks like what I wanted or not, it will be ok. So the fear has mostly left me because when I have been afraid it is almost never because of where I am, and it is almost always about where I'm afraid I'll be. The more faith I have, the less fear I have. So I'd say faith is the opposite of fear.
Not the post I wanted to make either. Just saying hi to JB. And reminding you to start a new thread.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/25/1611:55 PM. Reason: Carriage return for emphasis
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Not the post I wanted to make either. Just saying hi to JB. And reminding you to start a new thread.
Zeus, that has to be the best "start a new thread" post I've seen so far! LOL
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I hope I am not imposing. There is a poster on here that has not received many responses but is involved in a very complicated situation that involves 5 young adopted children and some challenging battles.
I am not sure how to advise and might be coming across too harshly because of the dynamics involving the kids. His name is Jimkao.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/08/1611:25 PM. Reason: Link
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
