Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[bttrfly]

something called depth hypnosis. it really was to help me unravel from my childhood with her which was less than healthy, shall we say?

I know you blocked her to get a vacation from her and the ocd behaviour. I think you did a great job there. I really like that you have the auntie support system in place. You def. don't need your mom on top of everything else right now.

xoxoxo

[bttrfly]

I like your awareness about these issues. It's the first step, trite as that sounds. I am going to ask you a really hard question, in hopes that it helps you answer the question of whether it's within you, with H or part of your dynamic:
Is this something you've felt before in emotionally intimate relationships. Friendships are a different kind of intimacy. I'm talking those relationships where you let the other person all the way in.

Just think about it and see what comes up for you. I'm so glad you're getting rain in California. You guys really really need it!

xoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Thanks Bttrfly, I will definitely put some thought into that. I tend to be on the insecure side so may be a pattern within me. I have only had two serious boyfriends before H, so I will think about how I was with them.

Had a fun day yesterday. Went on long walk with friend last night, then to dinner with her and her hubby. They were the ones over for the stove install. They mentioned, having not seen H in a year, how much older he looked. Her hubby got a little upset, said H does not look good, shook his head, then said he didn't want to talk about it. I assured him it's ok to be a worried, that I am too, all we can do is be here for him.

Made me think about how sad it is that our MLC'ers have their loving and caring family and friends right in front of them, yet remain stuck in such an unhappy place.

Oh, and friends are also close with "sleep over" friend, who is still in jail. Apparently he wrote them a letter and mentioned in it to tell me he loves me. Now, I know it sounds weird, remember, we have been friends for 25 years and we all always tell each other love you. I think he is feeling bad about how he reacted to me telling him to stop texting things that can be taken in the wrong way. I am sure I will get his apology once he is out in March.

Going for another walk this morning, having a chat with my aunt, then time for S to come home. We are about 30 minutes from the beach, I thought it might be fun to see the crazy surf going on from the storms. We'll see how the day goes.

Happy Sunday to you all!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - first of all, your poor son with his tummy aches. That is no fun.

As for your "diagnosing" your son, there is no harm in trying to change your son's diet. That is good thinking with chronic stomach aches! Clearly something is off and mothers have good intuition. Mentally shush your h and go on with changing up your son's diet. Ha ha!!!!

Sounds like you have a nice day planned. Enjoy!

[2BHappy]

Mleigh4
Im glad to read and see the space you are in, you are right DO YOU BE YOU!!!
Let H see you, dont hold back your character.
Hope u figure out sons tummy issues. Trying change of diet could help.

[mleigh4]

Hi Hawho. I already planned on changing things up with S to see if it will help. I just thought I could talk to his dad about it...silly me!

I took down our last wedding picture on the wall today, along with our family pic from our recent cruise. Not one sign of H any longer in this house, except for S room. I feel my disconnect is speeding up...

Went to the beach today. I had some great soul soothing! I really needed that.

H texted he was on his way to drop off S in 1/2 hour, but I was 40 minutes away having lunch with an ocean view So I let him know and what time I would be home.

He came with S and took me into the kitchen away from S to ask if he could take a dolly in the garage. I said sure, then asked, do you just want to take the rest of your things? He said, you get upset when I take things. Very true and thoughtful, but I realise I am past that point, so I told him it makes no sense to take one thing at a time. I told him he can take his things. He told me, if you want, you can box them up in a marked box and put them aside for now? Seriously, they just can't cut that tie, can they? I just said ok. Actually, I already did that with his things in the house. I am now getting tired of looking at his things in the garage.

His comment made me think, is he holding back on closure in fear of "hurting" me? I had planned on waiting until his 1 year move out anniversary, but sent him a message a week early. I thanked him for being concerned about my feelings, and I let him know I am past that and he really is free to take the rest of his things. I also let him know I hope his fear of hurting me is not what holds him back from finishing what has been started. I told him I am ok and I know, no matter what, I will be fine. I told him, in fact, I am hoping for some resolution this year, that I am at a point where I need some answers, movement or closure. That being separated for 2 1/2 years and not talking about it at all for a year makes no sense and does not feel right to me. So I suggested we get together in the next few months to discuss how to handle things...

So, ya, it's out there and I feel ok about it. Again, I am feeling pulled in this direction so I am going with it. I may get absolutely no response or reaction, he may continue to live in his ignore and avoid world. And that will either cause me to let it keep going on, or take further steps myself. It's a learning experience for me and I need some movement within, it's no longer about what he will do. It's become about what I need to do for me. It's finally about me.

[CaliGuy]

M

Nope, they do not want to cut the rope, there is that MLC noggin churning inside there somewhere and then lingers think deep down nothing should change unless of course it it towards their benefit . I think you are handling this very well, it's about you now and here you are realizing you have the power in this after all right? My hunch is your H will escape and avoid this talk... Just my guy feel here ... I wouldn't be surprised to see some sort of reaction. Your H is a different breed of MLCr I'll give him that, little spew and no OW .... Conversely he is all set up in his man shack and seems content to just stay there ... Strange in deed, I think you putting a bit on the table was very solid and healthy for you.

[mleigh4]

Alright, Cali and Hawho, you are 2 that stick out in my mind that have the patience of Saints. Seriously, I read your posts, you guys are thrown curve balls left and right, and remain solid and calm in standing. How are you doing this?? Please fill me in on your secret....because I get thrown nothing but niceness, and I feel like throwing something, kicking dirt on H shins, and having a tantrum.

I really don't know how you guys do it. Cali, at least you are getting mini R talks here and there, so you know a bit what is spinning in W. Maybe it helps in having something to work with? Hawho, I don't think you have talked with H since he left MBR again?

I think this is my biggest issue. One year of silence, of H being away and having NO idea doing what or with who. There could very well be OW, H is crafty and could keep it on the down low to avoid looking like a jerk. One year ago he moved out to have some space to think. I have granted him that, left him alone, no questions or drama in his space, and I have been given NOTHING but SILENCE.

I think this is so cruel. To do this to someone you have shared 16 years and a child with?? And I am supposed to just keep living in this twilight zone of pretending there is not a huge elephant in the room called our marriage and what are we going to do about it? It's not right, to have this much contact and not address this issue. It's just not right, MLC or not. I am a human, a person, the mother of his child, and I deserve either an explanation, a spew, a clue, or the freedom and closure to move on with my life.

And yes, where he is at in this matters to me. I would be lying if I said it doesn't effect my choices. Of course it does and that is why I feel so desperate to know. I didn't want any of this, and I will keep fighting if there is hope. But if there isn't, I want to know so I can end this, heal and move on. I did not sign up to be a single mother and I do not want to raise my son this way.

So, I am not saying I am done with H, but I am done with him being stuck, done with this situation as it has sat for so long, done with sitting back and hoping for him to make a move. That is crystal clear to me. No matter how happy I am, how busy I keep myself, it hangs heavy in the air, it is always there, that giant question mark. It keeps me hanging onto hope, when something is telling me I shouldn't anymore. So I have to make some moves, for my own sanity. I know I can't force anything out of him, but maybe it will help me to make some decisions I have been struggling with.

And yes Cali, when I see H, he looks tired and old, but I honestly believe and sense he is content in his world right now. I see no sign of him wanting to spend time with me or to change anything. I too have been content with that, but it is fading fast. I feel no attraction for him, very little respect or admiration, in fact, I feel sorry for him. It's a weird place because I don't want him back home right now, in his current condition...I don't miss him....I am not eager to spend time with him.... but yet I want something from him....what is it? And yet I can't make that final decision to be done with him....seems my mindset is very much like the MLC'er?

In any case, I know without a doubt, that I am not content with how this has been going any longer. It's one answer out of many that I have needed. So, time to get quiet again and wait for the next.

[job]

Here's a question for you and I don't mean to be morbid. Okay?

What would you have done had your h had been in auto accident and is now lying in a hospital or a nursing home in a coma w/no guarantee as to when he would wake up? Would you shake him and keep telling him to wake up, divorce him or continue to be the loving and supportive wife who hopes and prays that he will one day wake up and want to come home to his family?

I know this journey of his is very frustrating and yes, it's a long one...but it's not going to end any time soon for him. It didn't happen over night because this has been years in the making. His crisis could take him another year or even longer. If you attempt to snap him out of it, I can guarantee that he'll revisit the crisis again and it will be far worse than it is now. It may not happen a month, 6 months or even a year down the road...but it will happen again.

What are you suppose to do while he's lying in a coma? You go on w/your life, live it to the fullest and yes, you can keep hope alive in your heart and have faith that maybe, just maybe, he will wake up and want to return home to you and your son.

When you are truly sick and tired of waiting, then you'll know what to do...but I don't think you are there yet. You are frustrated w/how much time has passed and want your partner back...but again I will ask this...what would you be doing any differently if your h was in a coma?

Sit quietly, your answers will come when you least expect them. Do not try to pull them from the heavens...it won't work.

[mleigh4]

Job, I am watching the weather and just popped in to wish you well in these snow storms! I know you have a good supply of shovels, hope they are helping you in this time Are you snowed in?

So, I read your post above. I will read it again and process it. H being in a coma is a great comparison as the silence is the same. It does not surprise me, his whole family is this way, like robots.

In fact, MIL stopped by last night to drop off S English book that got left at her place. She told me about noticing her SIL having signs of dementia last summer, and had finally been told by her brother last week that she does. MIL told me, "I called my brother a few times, but SIL always answered so I wasn't able to talk to him" And I thought to myself, what is so hard about calling, asking to talk to brother, and asking him if all is ok?? Instead, after 6 months, he broke down and called her in tears for help. She is just such a strange bird to me. I see why H never learned how to just say what is on your mind, that it is ok.

Anyway, Job, I will think about what you said. I suppose, if H was in coma for 2 1/2 years and was showing no sign of waking up, it would be a struggle as well, but I think I know what I would do. It's a get mindset for me, a real good comparison.....