Just catching up. Admittedly, I am definitely not the person to ask about balancing dating, child rearing, and working full time. However, I have my kids at least 26 days a month as well. So, I can only offer this.
Your kids are young. Yes, you should pursue a relationship with someone you like if that is what you want. Many will probably disagree with this line of thinking, however, my kids are still struggling. They struggle with their dad's behavior. And while I have exactly zero desire to fix him, I feel like I need to be their anchor. Perhaps that is why dating is on the back burner for me. Because, regardless of whether I met someone fantastic, my top priority is my children. And honestly, I don't have much time to devote to a relationship. Do I think it would be nice to go to dinner with someone, watch sports, or just grab a drink? I do. I just know that I don't have the time to commit to a relationship. Perhaps when my kids get a bit older. That is just me though.
I think asking your H to step up is going to be a moot point. He is a big boy and deep down inside knows what he is doing which is putting himself first. I think you either have to get a baby sitter and possibly accept that at least for another year or so, you may not have as much time to devote to a R as you would like. That doesn't mean you can't have one. Not at all! Just be up front with New Guy. Just remember that everything is fluid. The way it is today isn't always the way it will be.
I dunno. That wasn't much help was it? Just my 2 cents. Sounds like you are doing well!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I had a similar situation with WW asking for stuff from the apartment months after leaving. It was never much and it stopped soon enough, but my plan was to tell her: "OK, you do one last round and then it's over."
It is important that you take care of yourself because it will make you better for everyone else. That's what I learnt in therapy and some reading. It seems to be a lesson I hear over and over: "Love yourself enough to be kind to yourself".
You've felt responsible for your parents, MrFantastic, your kids, your boss, etc. You are a Nice Girl. You feel guilty when you take care of yourself as if it's an act of selfishness. Hopefully, you will not see the opposition between making yourself happy and taking care of your kids, no more than you see the opposition between sleeping and taking care of them. You need one to do the other.
This New Guy seems to bring you a lot, to make you feel good and happy. It looks like a nice source of energy and motivation for you. Something to be excited about and that will put the antics of Mr Fantastic into perspective. Carve a little space for yourself: everyone will be grateful.
"Things with New Guy have intensified" - how I wish you would unpack this...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Just don't feel too. I have like you need to do all the heavy lifting with the new guy. If he's keen he needs to understand their is children in the mix and fit in to a degree.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
New Guy is great. Very sweet. I got super frustrated about something about him and he stopped everything to talk it through with me, resolve the problem, and set up ways to make sure we communicate about issues before they're huge problems in the future. Another time I was having an issue D12 and he said "I want to be supportive." He talks to me about his feelings and tells me what he wants, but helpfully, not with judgment. He asks about me and tells me about him. He can be vulnerable and he behaves protectively. I've met several of his friends (and we have a couple of mutual friends too). Every time I freak out about something I work to be patient and it plays out the way I hoped it would, not as I feared it would. He likes me and he can say why. I really enjoy spending time with him. He thinks differently than I'm used to and I like hearing how his mind works. He knows how to do things I find interesting, and there's just enough overlap in our experience that I feel like I have something to offer. He tells me about people who are important to him, mentions a particular good point, and then says, "just like you" -- meaning he finds commonalities between me and the people who matter to him, which I find very flattering.
For my part, I find him insightful, kind, friendly, and funny. There are things about his history that make me want to comfort him, and times now when I want to nurture and care for him. I'm really looking forward to introducing him to more of my friends and to a time (months away, I know) when I can introduce him to my kids. We are interested in similar things but we see them from very different angles, which I find so refreshing.
The other day I said, "If you'd taken that path we would never have met," and he quickly said, "You don't know that!" I feel like he cares about me. Everything has gone so much slower with him than it did with Mr. Fantastic and I am glad. But it's still clicking along at a pace I find surprising. He talks about places he'll take me over the summer.
It's been two months. I smile when I think about him. I can't wait to see him. But I'm still maintaining my own activities and goals because I know how important that is. I am enjoying seeing how everything plays out. I am worried about either of us getting hurt but hopeful it won't happen that way.
Unpacked enough? I feel like a teenager gushing about her guy.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell I'm right there with you. My divorce was final almost 2 months ago now. We don't have any kids together so there is no need for contact. I am in the phase of reading everything on how to get your ex back. While also trying to move on and improve myself. When my wife left, about 2/3 of the household income left with her. I am left with a large debt that we both acquired. So I find myself working 7 nights a week. I know the feeling of wanting to sleep. I have done that quite a lot. It just lets you not have to deal with anything. I heard depression let's you catch up on your sleep. (Woody Allen or maybe it was Jerry Seinfeld)
Go you mayb, and look if you read my thread where the bf came in I was the same.
It's was pretty x rated for some time, now irl mundane has streets to creep in and work and jobs and stuff, but you know what the basics haven't changed.
Time is your friend and nothing needs to be decided today in a week in a month. It will work out how it is meant to. Maybe in 2 years a decision will come but not now.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Turns out today WW did ask for something she had left behind (a grill) and I replied it was too late to pick stuff from my place (she left 16 months ago). She replied along the lines of "Oh I figured if you didn't use it..." As if we were buddies swapping stuff. They really have no idea of the impact they had. Anyway, I bet this is the last I hear from her on picking things left behind. I hope you'll find your formula to cut short on these requests.
I'm glad to see that you're enthusiastic about New Guy. Every relationship has good and bad reasons, highs and lows, things to fix and others to nurture. We all come with baggage. My IC told me that the separation is often the continuation of the R, but dating has taught me that every relationship is also the continuation of the previous one. I've had women react strongly to something that seemed banal to me, only to realize that it had to do with past relationships. Do I need to say it? Communication is the key. Love is not all you need. There will be arguments, disappointments, frustrations, despite our experience and newfound wisdom. We can't do perfect, but we can aim for better.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
It has come to my attention that Mr. Fantastic's girlfriend is very likely sleeping around on him. The person who let me know this is in a position to document. (She is single and had a run in with the gf at a bar when she was flirting with someone -- the gf made a point of commenting on how much "fun" she'd had with him... This led to bad feelings and now my friend is attentive when she runs into the gf, which is frequently.)
Should I let Mr. Fantastic know about it if evidence turns up or should I let him find out the hard way? He spends half of every one of his weekends with the kids with this woman and her kids, to the point that mine are starting to think of hers as step-siblings. Also he's under contract on a house that's equivalent to the one he and I jointly owned before the divorce and the general opinion of my acquaintances is that he intends to move her straight from living with her husband into the new house. I try to stay silent on the subject but my kids are involved.
I feel like I should just stay out of it, since Mr. Fantastic is clearly making bad decision after bad decision and the kids WILL be impacted by it regardless of my involvement. On the other hand, to let him walk into a minefield without raising a warning feels cruel and almost vengeful.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
This is a tough situation, MB... but I can't imagine he would respond to you in a positive way. Yes, it will suck for your kids to deal with a loss if it comes to that. .. helping them through tough times IS your business... but I don't think his relationship with his gf is.
If he gets hurt you don't have to revel in it... but I would personally stay far away from this. I think it would make you sound petty and bitter. I mean, why would your friend even tell you about this? What was her goal? Is she HIS friend? Maybe she should tell him herself? I can't really tell what her angle is.
