She will say things that make you shake your head. Typical WAS behavior. Right now, you are the villain in her world. You are the obstacle to her happiness. She is going to spew venom at you over the most ridiculous things.
Remember, believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. I suggest to be very aware. She will offer clues what she is up to.
Please get with your Lawyer with a list of questions. Know your rights. It will help reduce some anxiety of the unknown. You don't need to tell her about your tennis group. That's for you. DB'ing is counter-intuitive.
BTW, this is a good place to vent. Keep cool in front of your W. Easier said than done.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Easier said than done is right. Just had a tough conversation with her as she is a hot tempered lady...it's one of the things I loved about her
Proud of myself in a few aspects. No begging, no wimpering, no "lets work this out". It was just some fact based conversations of logistics for our daughter, lawyer discussions, what will we do for her for spring break which she said I am not going to Disneyland wiht you....I said...no problem...totally fine...i will take her!
I am the villain!!! Damn right per her. I said something to the tune of "u r the one leaving" and she went a bit bonkers. "I am leaving becasue of you....you killed my heart and ignored me for years etc...".
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Like some of the other stories here, we are getting to the finish line and getting our lawyers.
In PA, there is no legal separation and the big D is rather a quick process.....really 4-5 months. During that time we will probably be living together most of the time unless I can get her to move out as I want to stay in the house for another year so my daughter can at least stay in the same school . This part will be a battle i suspect as she may want to stay in the house. My 'tude is you are the one leaving, so then leave.
It will cost me dearly but I am only looking out for my daugher and me right now. I am so worried about my 6yr old daughter...she will be crushed. I pray she doesnt resent me....so worried abut this as she is the light of my life.
And she can't afford to keep the 2 dogs so I will have to and I travel. how will i manage that? it will cost a bundle for dog sitters....
Ugh...life was so simple a few years ago....where is my time machine.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
"I am leaving becasue of you....you killed my heart and ignored me for years etc...".
This does hold some truth? These are the types of comments that should make you evaluate your part that got you to this point.
I get letting the emotions out and getting your jabs in. Been there, done that. Will that get you closer to your goal, or further away?
Is arguing with your W same old, same old? Possible 180 opportunity here. When you argue with her, it reinforces her decision.
Just some food for thought.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
[quote=rich4j] "I am leaving becasue of you....you killed my heart and ignored me for years etc...".
This does hold some truth? These are the types of comments that should make you evaluate your part that got you to this point.
LITB-I definitely own alot of the above but it is a 2 way street. There were many reasons I withdrew and while I have gotten to understand this over the last few months with talking with a therapist, the realization came too late. Some of the withdrawal reasons were based on things she did.
We were about to try EFT therapy when she bailed.
I definitely regressed in the discussion...only didnt whine/beg but did probably help reinforce her thinking. How would I do a 180 on this? "you are right, I know this all makes you feel terrible." Hard to think that quick on my feet when emotions are flying
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Some of the withdrawal reasons were based on things she did.
Can you elaborate on what she did that caused withdrawal? The drinking? It probably doesn't matter, because you won't have an opportunity to save your M by playing the blame game. It is up to you to take the lead.
How can you change the dynamics of your sitch? It is like a math equation. If one part of the equation changes, the product in turn will change. YOU have to be the change.
Originally Posted By: rich4j
I definitely regressed in the discussion...only didnt whine/beg but did probably help reinforce her thinking. How would I do a 180 on this? "you are right, I know this all makes you feel terrible." Hard to think that quick on my feet when emotions are flying
You would do a 180 by NOT arguing with her. When you argue with her, you are pouring fuel on her desire to leave.
When you are having a calm convo with her, then you have the opportunity to validate her feelings. EXAMPLE:"I can see why you would feel that way. I would do things differently if I could."
It takes practice and being cognizant of your behavior.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Really Really struggling right now as it seems too real that we are now getting the pieces togehter for a divorce. Trying my best to not go backwards but she mentioned during this entire process that she would have a nervous breakdown if we tried to patch things up and I went back to my prior self that I was the last few years. It's where I gleaned some hope she would open back up that door but it is shut.
I am not sure how the dynamics can change?
We have to sit down again this weekend (we will be snowed in..storm going and will be stuck together) to discuss the pieces of the divorce as I met with a lawyer today and so has she.
Perhaps that is the situation I can be calm and that I want to work through this so everyone is taken care of etc....
The reality of what I want to say is that "we didn't really give this a shot at fixing things....how can you walk away now without putting the effort into counseling so we can maybe come out the other side" stronger?
I know that is dream land.
But I just struggle with being the calm guy who walks through how we can split up our life. How is that going to help?
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I hear you wanting to say those things to her. Problem is in their minds they have exhausted ways to fix and make things better. Maybe we missed it or maybe it didnt happen. At this point it can only be them realizing that there is more effort to be made.
Suxx!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Really Really struggling right now as it seems too real that we are now getting the pieces togehter for a divorce. The divorce itself is just a piece of paper. All it really does is change how you file your taxes. Its not like if I made you divorced RIGHT THIS SECOND, that it would really change how you live your life, right?
Trying my best to not go backwards but she mentioned during this entire process that she would have a nervous breakdown if we tried to patch things up and I went back to my prior self that I was the last few years. It's where I gleaned some hope she would open back up that door but it is shut.
I am not sure how the dynamics can change?
We have to sit down again this weekend (we will be snowed in..storm going and will be stuck together) to discuss the pieces of the divorce as I met with a lawyer today and so has she.
Perhaps that is the situation I can be calm and that I want to work through this so everyone is taken care of etc.... Calm, yes. Not sure Id make any grand statements of fair and such.
The reality of what I want to say is that "we didn't really give this a shot at fixing things....how can you walk away now without putting the effort into counseling so we can maybe come out the other side" stronger? She will say: "Im sorry, but you missed your chance. I spent XXX years trying to fix things, but you werent interested. And now Im not interested anymore."
I know that is dream land.
But I just struggle with being the calm guy who walks through how we can split up our life. How is that going to help? What do you propose to do or say instead?
A- you are spot on with the I spent xx years (2+) and not intersted anymore. Any suggestions on this?????
But I just struggle with being the calm guy who walks through how we can split up our life. How is that going to help? What do you propose to do or say instead?[/quote]
Not really sure yet. Thinking that I want all of us to be happy. She thinks this path will make her happy and I can understand how upsetting this is for her and she is feeling this is the right decision.
I don't know where to go on this except that I do truly believe that we didn't invest the time in fixing our relationship...but she is on the other side saying we have. Open for suggestions or advice right now as I am lost???
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
