Hi all. Took a sleep aid last night and slept through the night mostly except waking up at 3:45 to a nightmare about the W. Someone was hurting her and I intervened and she said she still didn't love me. Started the day off with that although I did fall asleep again shortly for another 45 minutes. Skipped the gym, not enough time with a physical appointment, and chiropractor appointment today.
From the cutting of sugar and bad foods and weight loss, 35lbs since last May, my fatty liver enzymes being high were gone. My A1C was the same though. He said when I reach my goal of the next 50lbs, that should drop steeply.
The divorce and separated support group didn't meet last night, so that was a bummer. Dinner with a friend tonight.
GAL is one of the hardest parts of this. I don't have a lot of active friends, so I have to find things I can do on my own or somehow meet new friends. I don't have any looming interests or anything I want to try, so it's hard.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Good morning all. Slept well last night, best so far this week. Went to bed on the early side. Woke up this morning feeling sad, but not out of my mind anxious. Ate a full meal last night. To keep everything consistent (same scale, same time of day, same clothing), I weighed in at home this morning, and I am right at 300lbs. I am just about to break this massive milestone, which puts me at 38lbs lost since last may instead of 35 like I thought yesterday. I have never looked my weight, people always guess 20-30lbs lower, but for me that 300 number depressed me when I hit it on the way up, and rather than do something about it I emotionally ate.
My project of the week is validation. Reading a lot on it.
I know what the first few things the W will bring up if/when the time comes. Please critique my examples:
Criticism W: You made me feel like a failure with the constant criticism. Me: So I understand you correctly, are you speaking of the smaller day to day criticisms, or was there anything larger scale that I was doing? W: The smaller ones, the nitpicking. Me: That must have felt terrible, tell me more about it. W: (examples) Me: It is very understandable that you would feel that way. If I could do it all over again, much would be different.
My question here on this first example is: My father criticized me my whole life until he died. I know how she feels from him doing it to me. Do I say that I can now see why she felt that way because I have experienced it myself or just eat crow and be sorry? Do I apologize and say I never meant to make her feel that way? My old way would have been for me be defensive to bring up her criticisms of me, but this is the new me, and I will take ownership for my actions.
You never listen to me or retain what I tell you W: Through our whole relationship you have never been a good listener. Even your friends have complained that you don't listen, or you are too distracted. When you do claim to listen, you do not retain what I tell you. You only remember what is important to you. Me: You are right to feel hurt by this. It is so important to feel you are being heard. I did not do a good job of this in any of my relationships with friends, family, or you. I can only say that I am deeply sorry... (insert question here) Question: Do I say, I am working hard on listening and being present? Do I say some of the things I am committed to doing and how I am learning to be a better listener?
You won't change W: Every time you make an effort to change, it is only temporary. You do well for a few months, then when the motivation dies, you slip right back into new habits. Me: You are correct, that has been my pattern for a long time. W: I am afraid that if we make these efforts to reconcile, you will just get comfortable again, and fall back into the same habits. Me: I can see why you would be afraid. My past is a pattern of inconsistency. I can't convince you with words and promises, but is there something that I can do in my actions to build your trust in me? (question) Question: do I mention that the new me is here to stay regardless of what happens with her and I? Do I say that the old me is gone?
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Wife called for another finance quickie. Easily could have been a text message. Went well. I didn't bring up us going for coffee on Sunday like we agreed, and she brought it up to set a time.
I am so nervous. I haven't felt this nervous being around her since our first date. No expectations, be friendly, be present, be warm, be positive, look good. (last part is easy, I have killer eyes)
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Listen, and listen and listen, and don't try to fix! Good eye contact, open body language, good luck, and well done getting below 300lbs,!
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Helped a friend today with some furniture, visited a cousin, did some clothes shopping. Was supposed to go to a friend's house but after ten minutes of standing at the front door I gave up and went home. Doorbell didn't work, their phone was dead. Somewhat busy day, but feeling lonely nonetheless. Butterflies in my stomach for tomorrow morning. I'll certainly be up early so I can be mentally ready. Excited, scared, nervous.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Just got back from coffee with the W. All in all it went really well. Light conversation, positive, upbeat. She was tense, but that melted away. She was fidgeting quite a bit, and eventually relaxed and sat back and looked comfortable. Every once in awhile she would lock eyes while talking and look away a bit and come right back.
She was just in jeans and a sweatshirt and sounded like she was getting a cold,and looked really tired. I wore nice shoes and a sweater, something casual but not over done. She did 75% of the talking, I did all of the listening and validation. She invited me to the parents house next month for a birthday party. Hug when we got there, hug when we left.
Off to church soon. Have a great Sunday everyone.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Just got back from coffee with the W. All in all it went really well. Light conversation, positive, upbeat. She was tense, but that melted away. She was fidgeting quite a bit, and eventually relaxed and sat back and looked comfortable. Every once in awhile she would lock eyes while talking and look away a bit and come right back.
She was just in jeans and a sweatshirt and sounded like she was getting a cold,and looked really tired. I wore nice shoes and a sweater, something casual but not over done. She did 75% of the talking, I did all of the listening and validation. She invited me to the parents house next month for a birthday party. Hug when we got there, hug when we left.
Off to church soon. Have a great Sunday everyone.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Good morning all. Really hoping to turn the sleeping thing around. Another night tossing and turning. Still having a problem with food. Starting to think it might be a flu or virus and not just a sinus viral infection. My nerves aren't great, but not so bad that I would expect to be up all night most of the week running to the bathroom. Getting food down isn't a problem, but I definitely have a tiny appetite now. Bought some 20g protein bars just to get a lot of protein in a small package.
Got the day off. Bookstore now, later on lunch with a friend, then therapy. Never heard any follow up from the W but I am gonna stay back here.
Her first therapy appointment is later this week. I really hope she gives it her all. She is so over worked and schooled right now that I am afraid it might affect her ability to go. Either way I want her to be able to mourn her Nana and cope with that loss, I want her to forgive all in her past, not just me. I want her to love herself again, as the beautiful person she is and I want her to forgive herself. She can do it, I know she can.
Thinking about her A and the time line, I am coming to realize, that this guy had to have moved in on her online pretty close to when her Nana died. She isn't a stupid person, and normally has an incredible judgment of character, but her defenses were down and it had to have started online within 4 months of her death. She was asking me to be strong for her, so I tried many different things, such as activities, making her laugh, friends over for dinner, family, alone time for us. None of it worked. When I would falter in my father's death coping because it was only 5 months prior to Nana she would start another fight. I am starting to realize how desperate she was to feel any joy or happiness. My heart is hurting for her and less for me.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Mb - it sounds like your coffee meet up went well.
When W initiates contact again maybe suggest another coffee or lunch meet - nice and casual no pressure, no pursuing.
How is the weight loss program? Still below 300lbs?
Try not to beat yourself up about the past. The past is the past. You can make your future. Try to detach emotionally , and love her from a distance , Patience is key, also if you contribute to other threads you will get more visitors to your thread
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
