I've been fairly quiet on the outside. My brain is moving right along, though. I toyed with the idea of sending a letter to H pointing out "my side" - the answer to his list of accusations.
Now first, I wouldn't have sent it without posting here, first, promise. But something else that is new, is that I wrote it out, stewed on it, prayed about it, and let it sit for a day or two while doing nothing about it at all.
I can answer my own question. This is huge! No - the letter helped me. H could care less. That's the entire reason he's leaving - he could care less right now. If he were using his brain, he would already know my POV - but his brain isn't leading the show at the moment. No. No letter to H.
A new, quieter, more reflective Ancaire is beginning to emerge. A thoughtful Ancaire, deliberate and steady. I see progress! Am I happy? In certain aspects, yes.
What I like about the newer Ancaire is that I still have the friendliness, heart, and compassion of the old - but I've got new skills now, as well as a heaping helping of maturity.
It's rare that I actually see progress in myself - but I'm more aware than I've ever been in the past. I'm working on it, and looking for results.
A lot of the deep thinking I've been doing has really helped me resolve some old issues - I've been able to let some things go, just gone...no use thinking of them, unless it's to help someone else. There's definitely less clutter inside taking up emotional space.
So maybe this post is one of achievement. My new way of thinking is settling in - and I'm beginning to not only feel, but also see the difference.
So how am I feeling? Quietly hopeful for better things in the future.
That's the best I can do right now - and honestly, it seems like plenty.
Ancaire, from your very first posts I have been impressed with you, and you just keep getting better. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, you are so strong and honest and real.
You've made it near 150 days! Hooray! It isn't easy from here, but it's doable, and it's not impossible like the first 90 days are (sorry newcomers!)
You're right. It's amazing the skills you pick up. I posted on my thread a few weeks ago about handling XW's text about divorce...I felt like she punched me in the stomach and hurt her hand because I've been working out every day and my abs are like steel (metaphorically...my actual abs are like steel, heated to 1200 degrees...). It feels so good. Ha ha!
As I've said this is the stage of imaginary conversations. Really wishing you could share your feelings and thoughts with WAS. It IS really healthy to do and say all of those things. The funny part is after writing all of that out you see it doesn't define you. Those thoughts just reflect your feelings which reflect the pain of the loss. They aren't YOU. You are in the middle, the eternal spirit, that is always at peace, content, and full of joy. When you can validate your feelings and still connect with your highest self, your choices become better and better, and soon reality changes around you, and the feelings follow too.
I'm so excited for this leg of your journey! Great job!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I absolutely love that! I'm still in that stage too ancaire, but we started around same time. Im actually getting through periods of time when I'm busy at work or with friends when im not thinking of husband. That feels good.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Never underestimate the value of self improvement. It's often the hardest stuff to work on, and the hardest stuff to objectively evaluate. From what you are saying, it looks like this isn't a little change, but a huge shift. I am so happy for your growth in these hard times.
But one question remains - what can you do to help yourself continue to grow, keep yourself from slipping into old habits?
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
