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[Tamjakr]

Latest text from x (granted after he kissed me this weekend and said he wasn't sure that he wanted) was " I think it's best you don't contact me. I don't want to see you hurt. I'm with her, for now I guess but I don't want you to wait for me. Time will tell". I said fine "I will give you what you want." I am angry. I also haven't divorce busted like I should have been doing. Today I vow to go dark, no more pursuit, boundaries, gal!! I have no choice, nothing I'm doing is working. Please wish me luck and pray for me to work on myself to be strong and have some integrity and self worth! And pray for him as well to have a breakthrough and not throw all our years together away forever. If he's ever ready this time I want to do it right , with counceling , better communication etc but it may be too little too late.

[Tamjakr]

And another question, he always says time will tell or he needs time. When we got back together a couple months ago for that wk or 2 when he ended it he said he didn't have that " in love" feeling. He said he tried. So by saying time will tell all the time do you think he's waiting to see if he misses me or if he gets those feelings back or do you think if it's not there it's not there and move on? And does the feelings he have for the ow cloud his feelings for me?

[ciluzen]

T, you might want to start reading Sandis rules again. Daily. It helped me enormously in the beginning, just as a reminder of what I needed to do to DB.

You and I are both pursuers. It is very hard to just let go of H and trust that distancing ourselves often does work. We have this need to try to control the situation by inserting ourselves constantly into what H is doing, "Look at me! Look at me! I'm hurt! I still love you! I'm still here! Don't forget about me!" Trust me. It just drives them away. He doesn't know what he wants right now. Give him space and time without you to figure it out.

Once again, OW is a symptom of his confusion; a bandaid for wounds he felt were in your R before she came around. Don't focus on her. Focus on you.

Don't believe what he says or does. Just do you. Be pleasant during any contact that happens. Show only happiness. Ignore the cheap shots or mention of OW or their arrangement...none of your business. Don't disagree or become defensive. Remember the words, "Whatever makes you happy". That'll keep him thinking. Validate.

[Tamjakr]

So my x got the child support order that I finally filed and he's so mad. Since I make a lot more than him he's having a fit. I feel like this is pushing him further away from me! Help!

[Sotto]

Hi Tam, if the order is a reasonable request, then quietly hold firm and work through L's if he isn't working constructively with you.

I know you feel it's pushing him further away - but truly, he was gone already at BD and you need to protect your own and your familys' interests. Yes, he may be mad - that's up to him. But the fact is - whilst we of course don't want to 'punish' anyone - sometimes decisions come with consequences, and he's facing one now.

Remember - keep the focus on you. You won't regret protecting your interests further down the line, I promise you that.

Take care x

[Tamjakr]

He's now saying he can't afford child support. He wants joint custody. He wants my 15 yr old half the time. I'm so confused on what to do...

[Tamjakr]

So after talking to my x a little. He gives me little or nothing to go on. He always just says time will tell. I did get out of him that he has some doubts that him and his ow will work long term. And I said what about us and he says he has concerns but wouldn't elaborate so I dropped it. I know I shouldn't analyze it to death but what's the difference between doubts and concerns. I am doing better as far as GAL and feeling more positive about MY life in general. The child support thing and joint custody is still on a holding pattern, going to discuss with my son because he does want to spend more time at his dad's. Any thoughts?

[Sotto]

Hi Tamjakr, my thoughts are don't even go there WRT him and OW. She is his problem and not yours and please don't waste your valuable time and energy discussing her. I did that in the early days and H began to tell me that she wasn't very nice to him and they had an argument. At this point I realised - this is dysfunctional!! - So I told him I was his wife, and I wasn't able to offer a 'listening ear' WRT his trials with OW. I never regretted that and he and I have never discussed her since.

WRT child support and joint custody, I would see a L and make sure you understand your options.

Take care

[Tamjakr]

Thanks I will. I joined Match.com because everyone is telling me to let go , there are great guys out there. I had a couple meets, one went no where and the other texts me a lot and wants to go out on a second date. My x asks me about it and it's gets dysfunctional like you said. The facts is, I don't feel ready yet even tho I do want a great relationship- I want it with my x and right now that's not happening. I think I'm going to cancel and just be single. Does anyone else have these worries? It wouldn't be fair to another guy when I still love my x.

[Sotto]

Absolutely, Tam - I think that was a wise realisation and Match.com is the worst place to be for you. There is a journey to be travelled here and you have begun it. Hopefully at the end of the journey, there is one of these destinations:

A happy and healed you, happily reconciled with your H
A happy and healed you, happy in a new R
A happy and healed you - enjoying what being single has to offer.

The common theme in these destinations is the first part - happy and healed you. That's the bit to focus on now and Match.com isn't going to help you get there.

So, keep making those plans to rebuild your life and get yourself to a better place with or without your H in it. Can you tell us a little more about non-dating things you are doing for yourself?

Xx