The validation thread in Cadet's list of links was very useful to me, I had been very dismissive of H's needs and wishes for years. It combined poorly with him being bad at expressing his needs or standing up for his opinions.
You can start implementing changes right away. You are already seeing some things from his side, it sounds like, and if you act on that and validate his point of view in the interactions you have now, he's going to see the difference. Act rather than talk (meaning, just change, don't tell him 'I'm changing'). If he asks about it - 'why are you suddenly so nice' or similar, I wouldn't tell him that you are working on DBing or that you are reading anything, or that you're trying to save the M. I'd just say something like 'I realize that I haven't listened to your wishes and opinions like I should, and I regret that.'
Resist the urge to add, 'will you give me another chance'. That *has* to come from him.
I wouldn't bring up the relationship unless he does. If he does, be brief.
Hope that's a place to start...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I said that I was going to fight for my marriage and wasn't going to hand him a divorce.
Hello Six - Im also very sorry that you are here.
I read through your story, and this line really struck me. What do you mean by this? If he wants a divorce, what are you going to do, chain him up so he cant file for one? drag it out to eternity in courts? What benefit does this kind of thing have for you?
Im all for protecting yourself and your children. But if he is set on divorce, what are you going to do directly?
In my opinion, the only way back is him realizing he made a mistake. Focus on you and work on you. Become a person only a fool would leave.
I guess I meant I'm not going to do anything to speed up the process. And I'm going to have a lawyer who will fight for me. There is also going to have to be a discovery process because he has been hiding money from me (and possibly doing illegal/unethical things at work to get the money) My husband wants me to just roll over and make it all happy. He thinks we can just be friends. This is not something that you can build a friendship from.
We can't get divorced in our state while I'm pregnant anyway, so we have at least six months.
Tonight I'm kind of freaking out because he asked to see the kids tonight (3 hours notice) I had emailed him this morning with a potential visitation schedule and he didn't respond until 3 pm, and only to ask to see them tonight. I'm nervous to say no because we have nothing in writing yet and I don't want to be perceived as withholding. But now at the end of the day I have to figure out somewhere to go.
I was feeling strong all day and then it hit me while I was leading my daughters Girl Scout meeting that this is happening. It's not a dream. It's not a sick joke. This is my life, having to leave my kids when I just want to crash and watch a movie.
And now, after 9 years of parenting and never attending a single doctor appointment, he is demanding a list of all doctors and scheduled appointments. I assume this is a play to suddenly become an "involved" dad so he gets more custody.
I feel sick inside. I do not want this and it's so unfair he can just divorce me and take my kids half the time.
I feel sick inside. I do not want this and it's so unfair he can just divorce me and take my kids half the time.
Hi Sixkids, I'm so sorry you find yourself here like the rest of us, it is beyond a doubt one of the most painful experiences anyone could go through. I have two children and your above quote resonated with me so much. This is exactly how I feel too. My H, partly because of working hours, and partly because he's just not that interested, has taken a back seat to parenting for the last 11 years. The thing I hate more than anything else about this whole situation I and you find ourselves in is that we will now have to share our kids with our Hs. I don't want to and each time I even contemplate it I break down too.
It must be incredibly hard to be in this situation and be pregnant too. I am not the best at advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in how you feel.
We didn't resolve it verbally one way or another, but I was testing for ovulation daily (leaving the sticks on the bathroom counter) for 4 months and we continued having unprotected sex a few times a week.
I don't think he has any reason or right to be angry about you being pregnant when the above ^^^ was happening! He already made 5 babies, he knows how it works, what did he expect was going to happen under the cirumstances!?! I'm so sorry for how he is being about your pregnancy.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. His biggest problem with me in our marriage was me checking out and not paying enough attention to him. But now we are separated, he "doesn't love me" and he is set on divorce.
Do I resort to LRT? I don't know if that will make it worse or better, for him to say "See, still not paying attention to me!" or if I just need to let him go to work through it?
I regret kicking him out on Christmas when I discovered the affair was ongoing, but he is using that as his springboard for separation. No looking back, just getting deeper into his affair. He had stopped using his regular phone to call the OW, but started using it again the past few days.
I'm also at the point where I think I need to get a lawyer to protect myself. I sent him a possible visitation schedule a few days ago and he didn't respond to it, except to say he'd review it. Then continues to wait until the day of to ask to come see the kids. His mood is swinging all over the place and I don't trust him to continue to provide money. Well, I don't trust him at all actually. I'm just nervous that going on the offensive will push him even further (although last night I had a thought that it really can't get worse, right?) I just really believe that we need something in writing for a separation (can't file for divorce until the baby arrives)
Finally, I know the advice is "Believe nothing of what they say"...is that true to the sudden "I don't love you" that he keeps repeating? Is there any chance he's just trying to convince himself he doesn't love me? I'm still numb after hearing that.
I am terribly sorry you find yourself here. You certainly have a lot on your plate (actually-you have a platter) at such a young age.
I'm no expert and while I agree that it is pertinent to try to understand your H's side of the equation, please don't fall into the trap of thinking it's all you. Some of his criticisms will be valid (we are all flawed) and some will be a pile of poo. My suggestion to you is to take care of yourself, focus on being the best you can be, and focus on your kids. They didn't ask for turmoil, so remind them how much you love them and care for them.
Chasing your h will he is in an active affair is auditioning for the role of wife. Don't do it. Think about what things you would like to change and do it-for you.
Mindreading is a time suck so while incredibly difficult, don't waste time trying to decipher what he thinks. Go see an attorney, because at the end of the day, you are responsible for your actions and your h is responsible for his. Protecting yourself financially isn't going on the offensive. It's called being proactive, smart, and logical.
OW-don't waste precious time thinking about her. Regardless of what happens, time marches on. Your kids will never be this age again and you want to treasure these moments. You will be surprised at how strong you are.
Hang in there! It gets easier:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
He came over and forced a conversation. Which he was recording but I could tell from how he was holding his phone. He was trying to get me to verbally agree to giving him more visitation time. I kept saying I didn't want to talk but wanted to email and he wouldn't let it go.
Then another review of all the ways I'm a bad wife. I'm emotionally abusive now. Then he yelled that we were divorcing in the hallway so our daughters could hear. We hadn't had a chance to talk to them together yet.
I also asked him yesterday if he could at least figure out his schedule a week in advance and he said that he has the right to show up whenever he wants, as long as he's paying the bills. But he wants me to leave when he decides to have time with the kids. So I guess I'm moving up my timeline to move into my parents house.
I'm going to a lawyer Monday or Tuesday. I don't want to have any more in person conversations because it just ends with me sitting on the couch while he berates me. He told me I should've been a better wife and then this wouldn't have happened. I can accept that I wasn't emotionally present for him, but he has spent years hiding money and lying to me (and stealing from his work). I don't deserve to be bullied just because he has been taken over by body snatchers.
