Hello again all. It has been some time since my last post.
For those that don't remember me, I was here last spring, and my now-XW found and followed all 15+ threads that I had over the course of signing our legal separation. Those threads have since been buried into the ether, but I still read and give updates on me periodically.
I have now been officially divorced for a little over 2 months and what would have been my 11th wedding anniversary is Friday, so I thought this would be as good a time as any to give an update.
Here's the basics: I'm doing well. I've started dating again and I've now being seeing a girl for a couple months. Things are going incredibly well. I'm trying to stay grounded and move slow, but as with any new relationship, it's proving somewhat difficult. She's met my girls and they like her probably more than I do. I'm trying to stay as objective as possible and make sure that my feelings are for HER and not for the companionship, good feelings, and respect that she provides to me. I find myself regularly looking into her eyes as if there's some secret code in there; I think it's me trying to find that reason to be hesitant, to be worried, to be scared, but I always just see my feelings reflected back at me. It's scary, but exciting at the same time.
I will always feel badly about the end of my marriage, but looking back, I know I did what I thought was in the best interest of me and my kids. Part of me wonders what may have happened had I found this site earlier and had I done a better job keeping it to myself. But, that's an alternate reality that doesn't exist. I am where I am and XW is where she is. All I can do is learn from this and move forward.
With that, I'll share some of the things I have learned on my journey (inspired by the woman now known as Fo):
- the love languages are so important. I wasn't giving love to XW in a way she could receive it and she wasn't giving love to me in a way I could receive it. I think she understood the concept without reading the books; I certainly did NOT. Regardless, even if I were to be with someone with different primary LLs, understanding them and using them is so vital.
- I can't expect my partner to know what I want from them. I need to be able to ask for things directly. I can't get upset when she doesn't do things I don't express that I need from her.
- there is no score keeping in life. I can't turn my relationship into a game of tit for tat. I can't expect that our love buckets will be exactly evenly full all through life. It all evens out in the end; that doesn't mean it needs to stay even at all times.
- the core of my happiness is within myself. I can't expect my partner to be the source of my happiness. That's my job; she isn't capable of doing it for me. Otherwise, I will spend my whole life wanting "one more thing" from her. Which....I did. Nothing was ever enough for me, because I always expected her to know what I wanted and make me happy.
- I am a person of value. I'm fun, I'm funny, I'm caring, I'm a good father, I'm a good friend. Just because XW decided she was no longer interested, that doesn't diminish who I am or what I can offer.
- my life is ok without XW. I don't need her. Never did. Even if I thought I did; I don't.
Congrats Matt, so glad to hear that you're doing well. You were such an inspiration on this board and so kind to all of the newcomers. Your spirit is still alive and well here and is appreciated beyond words...
Congrats on the new lady. Even if it's early it sounds like you're the one in the different space. You had done so much work prior to your XW finding these pages it was evident that your next relationship would be an emotionally intelligent one or you'd see right through it immediately.
I'm happy for you my friend. We joined just around the same time and your sitch was painful and beautiful to watch at the same time. Your XW was a fool to stay gone. She truly was.
The LL's. Man oh man, would I have given to know those in my M. I'm in the same boat. Two people pouring love into the wrong buckets in my house as well. Great insights.
Cheers to you.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Lovely to hear from you Matt. Always missed, always remembered. Such a lovely beautiful soul. Much love and light to you and your special people. JellybXXX
Matt!!! Long time no talk buddy! I've wondered many times how life was going for you. Glad to hear that it all sounds good!
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
the love languages are so important. I wasn't giving love to XW in a way she could receive it and she wasn't giving love to me in a way I could receive it. I think she understood the concept without reading the books; I certainly did NOT. Regardless, even if I were to be with someone with different primary LLs, understanding them and using them is so vital.
Matt
Glad things are going well for you.
Your XW will regret letting you go, everything is not always as it seems.
I agree about having the same LL. Does this new woman have the same LL as you? I do wonder about the longevity of these languages. Do people keep them forever?
Life is hopefully long and you never know what twists and turns can come along the way. After all you can get shot down in your F4 over Vietnam, or get hit by a car, or contract a bad disease. Live your life everyday. Turn lemons into lemonade and enjoy!
Matt! I am so happy to hear from you! And so happy to read your list- but you were a big part of my inspiration to write it originally! You were one of the first ones to pick me up off the floor when my world was spiraling out of control. I am doing MUCH better now, and was just wondering about you the other day.
Thank you for posting and thank you for sharing!
How are your children handling the D? I know you said they like your new gf, but how have they adjusted to life overall?
