Had a good time with S on Sat morning considering what I learned earlier. We went to a Wolf Sanctuary for rescued wolf dogs that people had bred but couldn't keep. Pretty interesting that I have lived around here for twenty years and never knew it was there. The kids stayed the night with my dad and I had the night of football to do whatever I wanted. I watched the games and grilled some meat then sat quietly alone to process my thoughts about my MR. I couldn't figure out if I was mad or hurt or confused or just plain stupid. Then I thought, so what so what if she does this, so what if she wants to disrespect herself. It is her choice, I can't control what she does or who she does it with. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes when she confirmed that she had consummated her infidelity. I know she is hurting and shameful of her actions yet continues on with the same behavior.
I think my biggest issue with it is her being so driven to do this even though it is so clear to her that it is completely destructive to her and our family. When she was leaving the house last night S clung to her and asked why she had to leave everyday. She said I just have to. S asks why do you have to? She said because of mine a daddy's relationship. He asks what about the relationship? She says it's complicated. He says I can understand complicated things! Why do you have to leave? I was chopping up my salad for dinner while this is going on right next to me. I kept it together but haven't looked at or contacted her since. She texted me this morning about some work stuff that I don't need to reply to. I can't believe she could do that. I don't have any reason to deal with her for awhile and really don't want to.
To paraphrase Dave Chappelle impersonating Rick James, affairs are a hell of a drug.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Didn't sleep for sh!t last night so I came home early to take a nap. Still can't fall asleep. Went to IC this morning and started talking about Ws behavior and demeanor. I gave her the rundown about her stonewalling and near emotionless attitude (I swear W is a DB guru) . IC believes that she is very ashamed of herself and is hurting and confused (which is spot on according to the insight here) . IC still keeps suggesting that I get around more female friends and hang out with them. I'm not very interested in that at all right now. Not romantic or anything just friendly dinner or some such. I don't know a lot of girls anyway and would have to get creative to find someone. What do y'all think?
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
One day I met this man who didn't know what his purpose in life was, I sat and talked with him for awhile. He told me things about his job, his family, his wife. I sat and listened to him for longer than I thought. Before too long I asked him what would make you happy right now. He looked away and took a few deep breaths, and said he wished he had chosen a different path in life. To which I replied, what would you have done differently. He didn't have an answer. He didn't realize that happiness comes from within. That all he had achieved meant something. He didn't even realize that he had everything he ever wanted the whole time. It had been such a gradual accumulation of small bits of happiness he had taken it for granted. I told him all we can do is accept change for what it is and do the best we can with what we have. He was too blind to see the deeper underlying fear that had really been the issue the whole time. It seemed like the more he ignored it the more it would go away. When in fact it only grew stronger. He was too preoccupied trying to deflect and defend his own shortcomings as a family man that he lost sight of the very things that defined his happiness. As this conversation played on I thought how could this happen to such a good man. A man who simply didn't have a complete understanding of the nature of a relationship let alone a family. I was devastated by the pain he was feeling. It made me step back and reevaluate my own priorities and values. I suddenly understood the gravity of his situation, out of nowhere like a sledgehammer to the face. This man had no idea what he needed to do to be the person he wanted to be. He had no idea that the person he wanted to be was not the person he had become. While this was sinking in for me he said that the fear had controlled his life. Had caused him to avoid the problems in his life. He had become a slave to it. I felt bad for him. That is no way to truly live. He was not able to understand that these problems are his alone. No one can control you with your own feelings. They are yours. No one else can feel them for you. This man could be anything he set out to be, he choose to be what he was and can choose what he wants to be. It is up to him. When I first met him I wasn't sure if he was someone who I would like to get to know. The more I talk to him the more I realize that he has the key to all of it. He had shown me a world I have not seen. A world of possibilities that were obscured by the mundane. The fact that I met this man when I did is a testament to the cosmic absurdity that I subscribe to. I'm sure when he and I part ways I will miss things about him but I know that what I have learned from him will carry me to a better future.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Yesterday morning I dropped the kids off at school and as soon as I pulled out on the highway the van just died. I coasted off on the shoulder and called W to come pick me up. I didn't say a word to her in the car just see you later when I got out .
A little back story on our current vehicle situation, we have had this van for last 9 years. It has 225000 miles on it. I have done all of the maintenance and repairs on it the whole time. W is the stereotypical female driver type that hits random things and "forgets" or denies it. I used to give her crap all the time about finding hair or a pair of glasses or something else funny stuck in the grill . Anyhow she has had a few wrecks over the years. I knew it was getting close to the end for the van so I switched vehicles with her before BD. After BD I switched back and left her with the crappy van since I was running the kids around the most.
She was driving it for less than a week and someone ran into her. This was in the beginning of November. I have a friend who owns a mechanic shop and took it to him for an estimate the next day. Long story short, W has been dragging her feet with the claim and now we're down a vehicle. I was pissed. So I have been toting the kids around in my 59 Chevy project truck. They love riding in it but it doesn't even have seat belts so I hate driving with them all the time.
On a brighter note I got to drop a "really?!?" on her last night, felt pretty good. She said something about not having time to look for another car. She got time to bang the OM she got time to take care of her business.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Had a good time with S on Sat morning considering what I learned earlier. We went to a Wolf Sanctuary for rescued wolf dogs that people had bred but couldn't keep. Pretty interesting that I have lived around here for twenty years and never knew it was there. The kids stayed the night with my dad and I had the night of football to do whatever I wanted. I watched the games and grilled some meat then sat quietly alone to process my thoughts about my MR. I couldn't figure out if I was mad or hurt or confused or just plain stupid. Then I thought, so what so what if she does this, so what if she wants to disrespect herself. It is her choice, I can't control what she does or who she does it with. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes when she confirmed that she had consummated her infidelity. I know she is hurting and shameful of her actions yet continues on with the same behavior.
I think my biggest issue with it is her being so driven to do this even though it is so clear to her that it is completely destructive to her and our family. When she was leaving the house last night S clung to her and asked why she had to leave everyday. She said I just have to. S asks why do you have to? She said because of mine a daddy's relationship. He asks what about the relationship? She says it's complicated. He says I can understand complicated things! Why do you have to leave? I was chopping up my salad for dinner while this is going on right next to me. I kept it together but haven't looked at or contacted her since. She texted me this morning about some work stuff that I don't need to reply to. I can't believe she could do that. I don't have any reason to deal with her for awhile and really don't want to.
To paraphrase Dave Chappelle impersonating Rick James, affairs are a hell of a drug.
After something like this I wouldn't reply to her unless her F'ing head was on fire and even then I might have to stop and think. Don't worry about getting mad about this. I'll be mad for you. This makes me furious. Infidelity is one of the most cruel acts a person can commit against another person. If you need to vent it out then do it here with us. I've been there and I know what you're feeling. If you need to scream curse words are talk to those who know, that's what we're here for. I was feeling good about your situation and now this bullsh!t. It makes me angry. You be strong.
I heartily support the screaming of curse words. Mine happen to be directed at the OW, but directing them at the WAS works, too, I suppose. Try it in the car, preferably when stopped. I've called her every name in the book that seems appropriate. It feels good.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Exactly, NYGal. We're all here. We all know. I wanted to shake,the sh!t out of my wife and just smack the crap out of her and scream into her face how the F can you be doing this? How can you be such a despicable human being? Are,this F'ing cruel or just really F'ing stupid? Huh? Which is it you heartless F'ing b!tch because it has to be one of them, or maybe even both. How can you just sh!t all over us like that?!? I really hate your F'ing guts right now you stupid whore!!
See? I've been there. Where am I right this minute? Sitting at the park and ride bus stop waiting to pick her up. I can't wait to see her. I love her so much and she loves me. If I had really said all those things I wrote above back when she surely deserved those words, I'm pretty sure we'd be long divorced.
As the sane betrayed spouse you really have to swallow a lot of sh!t if you want to save the marriage. If you're not interested in saving it then by all means go ahead and let her have it. It would probably feel great but you'd probably end up saying something you can't unsay so you're better off swallowing that sh!t sandwich and venting to us when necessary. You get used to the taste of sh!t. I find it goes down easier with BBQ sauce. ;-) Also, don't lose your humor. It can keep you sane as you navigate her insanity.
I'm keeping it together for the kids right now.,I'll never lose my sense of humor, it's attached to my mouth.
I do want to stay married and I do love her. She is really starting to get at me right now though. I'm going to the beer joint tonight to get some ego boosts from the ladies.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Have done it once. If I'm a betting man, and I am from time to time, it will happen again.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
