Hilariously Pleased is a dedication to Zelda a former poster, whose spirit and intelligence I much admired.
When I first arrived here I was navel gazing about what happiness was and we joked back and forth. I told her about an Irish mental health nurse I once worked with who told me that he could never understand why everyone believes that we have an entitlement to happy, he advised the pursuit of made people crazy. Zelda told me about either her grandmother or an aunt who described happiness as being hilariously pleased. It has stuck with me since Zelda wrote it.
So I need a plan, a plan and goals to move towards being Hilariously pleased. I have no maps, I don't know any sign posts, I don't know what direction I am heading. So how do you do it. I assume that GAL is in there somewhere. I assume having a developed sense of gratitude is in there too. I have a sense of self love and worth are in there too. Boundaries. Maybe winning lotto. I don't know.
So if I think about it. I basically have a very good theoretical first year 101 knowledge in "The theory of being hilariously pleased". I've read the books and TED talks, spoken to others, attended workshops. So what is the practical application?
For some readers you will likely be thinking how does any of this relate to DBing. I can't really answer that to be honest. What I know is this 15 months ago, the person who I thought was the love of my life, said "nope, you ain't worth it". And while I feel better and stronger and wiser now, I'm not anywhere near where I want to be.
So any words of encouragement, words of wisdom, any challenges, any guidance, teaching, tricks of the trade, any questions that you need answered that will lend itself to me graduating from The theory of being Hilariously pleased to the practical application of it, would be sincerely and gratefully appreciated.
Hey jellyb, first stop putting yourself down every chance you get. You are not crazy or need training wheels or anything. Ive seen your writings and you are ao very close, but it seams like you just refuse to accept how awesome you are.
I will bet without ever seeing a single real life interaction that you refuse compliments, to the point of frustration on the giver????
Self esteem is so very hard to pull from the weeds, especially if it was never developed in the first place...this i know from experience
You are going to break that habbit. Next time you hear a compliment, try super hard to think of why the person could have said it, appreciate that it was genuine and was reflective of how that person actually sees you and then say thank you.
Try it and see what happens.
Zephyr thank you for the post. I appreciate your words and sentiment.
This may seem glib, but it is an honest question. How do I put myself down?
And I never turn a compliment down. I always say thank you. I am very aware of the gift of giving and would never deny someone's gift or appear unappreciative. I learned the lesson along time ago.
I am likely to hear the words of criticism ringing louder in my ears and heart, than allowing the kind words of good people to linger.
Beautifully expressed Jellyb, so moving and vulnerable. Please, please embrace the side of yourself that believes. The side that has faith. The side that is willing to simply put one foot in front of the other towards the direction of adventure and happiness.
There is SO much out there for you to enjoy Jellyb. So much beauty, so much love, so many people that are yearning for a role model such as yourself. Someone that felt the fear and did it anyway. Someone who had gotten knocked down but picked herself up and smiled at the world - despite the harsh realities of it.
I see nothing but glorious potential written in that post. Potential for the life you have desired all the way up to this moment. It's there, it's not far. You've done the work, it's so damn evident. Your heart is massive Jelly, its MASSIVE! It cares for everyone on this forum and creates poetry in your posts.
I too Jellyb, love and cherish you. You are there already.
PP
Thank you for the championing PP. A girl like me doesn't know what to do when the most popular boy in school sends a smile her way.
It is interesting that you use the word potential. Both Mr Ex and Mr M, both used it. It's a harsh word. When they said it, it always broke my heart. I always felt like the runt in the litter when they said it. Please know that I am fully aware that it was not your intention in your comment. I feel I know your heart well enough to know your intent.
Mr M used to tell me I was a caterpillar in a cocoon and that he spent most or our relationship waiting for the butterfly. I think his intention was communicate his love and desire to see me be the best version of myself. All I heard was that I was green, fat caterpillar, lying dormant in a cocoon shell.
I don't mean to make light of your opinion of me or celebration of what you see in me. It is assuring to me that people see that I try hard, but I struggle. It's important to me that people see my honesty, integrity and desire to do and be better. If that is what you see then I am pleased.
Thank you PP, you have been a great friend and light in my life.
Jelly, I want to give you the world's biggest hug. I understand so much of what you're conveying. I'm going to agree with the part in which you say, "it's time".
It really is. I took a giant breath, said a prayer to strengthen my faith, and them took that giant leap into the unknown - partly because you were right there, telling me I could do it!
Living with melancholy (I love this more romantic term for depression!) really is like living with two versions of yourself: You've got the strong, capable woman you know you can be, and often are. Then you've got the frightened, insecure woman who is always whispering "you can't" in your ear.
You can. I know you absolutely can. You're going to have to fake it until you feel it. Reach out when you need someone to tell you you can do it. Some of us are damaged in a way that makes us doubt ourselves. But we have more empathy than a lot of people can even imagine having, because we feel everything so very deeply.
I personally find you to be one of the most beautiful, genuine, and loving women I've ever had the pleasure to know. It doesn't matter that I've not met you IRL. I "see" you in your beautiful, thoughtful posts. Jelly, I'm not the only one.
If you have to, while you're getting ready to take the leap, borrow strength from us - those who believe in you. Tap into our vision of you and use that to move forward. Just don't fall into listening to the whisper that will tell you you'll let us down. There's no way. No matter what, there is no way you'll let us down.
I know you will get there in time. Even if you don't, you will continue to be as lovely a person to me as ever. You can just be yourself, and you'll be admired.
You've got the most poetic, prose-like way with the written word I've ever seen. I could read anything you care to write for hours. It's hauntingly gorgeous, Jelly.
We'll stumble...but remember, that's not because we're broken. It's because we're human. My greatest insight has been from the realization that I'm not "broken" - I'm unique! Deep-feeling, thoughtful, kind, caring...all qualities I admire in others.
I've been so honest about who I am here - and have found nothing but love and acceptance in return. So much so, that I've learned to love and accept myself again, too. You're doing the same thing - and I can tell...you are fiercely loved by people here. You touch people. That is beautiful. As are you.
Ancaire thank you so much for the empathetic and kind post. I know you get it. I know your struggles, but I also see so many of your strengths. Sometimes I see a mother hen in you rounding up her chicks, heads counted and everyone provided with a tap on the head, ensuring that they know they have been seen and heard by you. Other times you are soulful wise sage, whose years of knowing can cut to the quick of a person's situation. And then there is Ancaire who has a revolutionary spirit, whose courage won't let her back down from an unjust fight, you allow others to find their fight. And there is so much more.
I don't have your fortitude and resiliency Ancaire that allows you to overcome the lows like you do. You are a lighter spirit. More able to connect with people. You are ultimately a teller of stories. You listen, reinterpret and support people to become aware of what their own stories say about themselves. They feel heard and supported. I don't have the ability to connect like you do. I am far more clumsy and mechanical. Likely more scare of causing more pain to people already in pain.
I am rambling now. But just wanted to say that I appreciate you posting and supporting me.
I understand what you're very ably conveying - but I disagree with your perception. You may not have the resilience I do, but resiliency can be learned and enhanced. I was the eldest child in my family, which was led by an alcoholic man who could never be counted on in any way that counts. That fact alone is responsible for much of my resilience. I was forced to become that way in order to take over a role a child shouldn’t have – my mother’s fill-in in whatever area of running the home and taking care of my siblings she most needed help. My mother was generous, loving, and kind; but sadly most of her attention was necessarily focused on my out-of-control father, keeping him from destroying our home or persons with his frequent rages, depressed spewing, or sometimes even out of control happiness. Living with him was like making a home in a tornado…always unsettled and anything but calm.
Which are you in your family’s birth order?
I adore your ability to peek into posts and develop a near-perfect perception of a person’s true self. What a rare gift you have! You've developed me really well. I am flattered and shocked at how accurately you've picked up on different aspects of my personality, and you've crafted that into a depiction with words so beautifully, that I would want to be me, if I weren't already!
Clumsy? Mechanical? LOL Not even close, Jelly. This is where your perception is off. I sense a bit of shyness, a hint of fear of being rejected and hurt - but nowhere near being unable to connect. You connect brilliantly. You have a pure heart which absolutely shines through your posts like nothing I have ever seen. Ever. You touch people in a very sincere way, which is so unexpected as to be gift-like – words from Jelly are to be treasured, read over and over again.
You are: Engaging. Soulful. Endearing. Captivating. Charming. Sweet. Generous. You paint highly detailed pictures with words alone. You see past the surface into the depths. That might frighten some. There are lots of people in the world who are hiding in plain sight. I could read anything you care to share for hours! You have insight that I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered.
Even though we both suffer from the same mental disorder, you fit the term I love to use, melancholy, beautifully. I love that term for you – I think it’s romantic and deep -a sweet, sweet sadness. I view you as a woman of mystery and depth, being blessed with a secret knowledge straight from the universe. You’re more like me than you realize – we fit in the same cup! I’m froth to your espresso. We both care deeply about people. We both enjoy meeting and talking with people. We enjoy learning about them, observing, finding the hidden treasures that make them unique. I’m deep. You are deeper and deepest. I mean that as a compliment, truly.
We moved over and over and over when I was growing up. My father was always chasing rainbows and my mother was dutiful and obedient. As a result, I was forced to become even more friendly than I would have been otherwise. It’s hard being the “new kid” all the time – so I learned how to make a connection with strangers quickly as somewhat of a guard against pain. So, yes, I learned how to quickly make connections; it was key to my survival! My siblings did, as well. We’re a friendly, effusive bunch!
My mother is shy. My father was very outgoing – but his childhood was remarkably similar to mine. I’m happy to say that a lot of traits passed down through my dad’s side of the family have ended with this generation – not that we don’t carry the scars – we just didn’t continue the dysfunction to the extent earlier generations seemed okay to live with. It needed to end.
I love to write, but haven’t done it in years. Your magical way with words has actually inspired me to take up writing again. I’ve started a short story, with you as the star! I need to finish it and post it so you can see it. It’s just for fun, but I think you would enjoy it.
I’m sorry you seem to be going through a rough time right now. I’m sure I’ll be there again one day – I’m just hoping it’s not soon. I’ve learned so much since I started this journey of self-discovery that I’m hoping to one day be completely in control…I don’t know if it’ll happen or not, but it’s my goal. I’d settle for being 80% in control! Wouldn’t that be a dream?
I’m grateful for you, Jelly. I’m not the only one. You’re making progress. I can see the difference in you from your old threads to now. It’s remarkable, really. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You don’t deserve that.
I am the middle child in a family of three girls. My father was a refugee from Hungary. When he arrived here he could not speak english. He was 12 years older than my mother. He had that eastern european charm and an accent to match. My mother ran away from her own homeland to avoid a father who married his other woman, shortly after her own mother's death. I think my mother was addressing her daddy issues with him. He was a compulsive gambler and workaholic. My mother too is a loving generous and kind, spend most of her time, making up for the loss of income my father spent on gambling. She was also the buffer to my father's controlling and traditional expectations of women's place and role in the home. Equally children were seen and not heard, unless of course you were my father's favourite, which was my younger sister. My older sister had my father's expectations placed firmly on her shoulders. Perfection at all costs. For her his love was completely conditional on her success. This is her legacy from him. I was not worth my father's attention at all. I was invisible except for when i wasn't. And when I wasn't it was consistent criticism. So I was a very good, good, good girl. Did I mention I was a very good girl.
He passed away in 2005. I had not seen him since I was 15 years old. My choice. The two years before he died, after having three serious strokes in a row, he asked to see both of my sisters and not me. Guess who took the call from the hospital social worker to hear this proclamation. Me. They called my mother first and my mother gave them my number because " I was the one likely able to manage it the best". Funny. I was 28 then and it still hurt. Now not at all.
So what did I learn from my father. I am expert at not being seen, remaining under the radar. Apologetic for taking up too much space or time of anyone. When I receive attention it feels uncomfortable and undeserved.
As for being deep Ancaire. Yes I would agree there is no superficiality about me. I share Zues' intensity and yes I scare people away. I'm exhausting to be around for too long because other people cannot sustain the level of emotional intensity I have. I find too that those I would enjoy spending time around, extroverts, people who naturally know how to be lighter and who have more fun in life, are exhausted by me. This is why connection with people is not my thing.
I naturally have quiet a reflective outlook, coupled with fortnightly episodes of deep sadness. I'm not fun to be with and people feel that I wallow. I see the word used here, never with me, but posters towards other posters when they are frustrated by another's immovability or insight issues (slow to see the role they play in their own demise because of blocks). It breaks my heart.
I don't wallow anymore, maybe in the past. But not right now. I know my pattern with sweet sadness now. She arrives the the beginning of the two weeks before my period and she stays for 10-14 days. For that time, my life becomes not my own. She is like the young adult that moved out, but whenever she comes back home, she uses the laundry, uses all the powder, basks on the couch ordering pizza watching tv, asks for money, leaves towels on the floor in the bathroom, Basically creating complete chaos and then leaves just as fast, with a bomb site behind her, saying thanks very much, see you next time. Reeking havoc like a tasmanian devil. And then I spend the next two weeks finding my peace and calm.
I am not surprised I can find no forward momentum in my life. There is no time to do so. I spend two weeks trying to haul my ar*e back from the brink. To understand why for two weeks out of every month I could throw a bottle of pills down my throat, or some alternatively silly gesture. This time for first time, I thought about cutting myself to release some of the pain. This is new and a bit scary. I think it is in response to knowing that I can rationally manage the irrational thoughts about dying. I know they aren't real and treat them as such. This time last year I believed everything they told me.
I know what the pattern is now. I have it handled on it most of the time. I'm quite practiced. I don't talk to anyone about it, because it worries people and also people are very judgmental. It would change my friends view of me and I don't that. My family don't know, my mum knows I get PMS, but not the extent and only one friend knows about the demons in my head.
So I guess there it is. That's all the broken bits for everyone to see. Lol.
You are good to me Ancaire. Thank you. I would love to read your story.
Every one is a collection of broken bits. Someone drop us and glued us back together. It's our humanity, but I think my handle is upside down and certainly the spout points inwards I know because the self spew pours that way.
There is good news about PMT, it stops at the menopause, thank goodness for that!
Oestrogen dominance isn't fun at all, but that's what it was for me, the hormones. Little buggers. I use a progesterone cream and I have to rub it on the skin that helped. Oh and lots of vitamin b6. Took several months to have an effect, when it did it really helped.
Oestrogen dominance helps you look better and gives fuller lips for longer. Keeps the naughty rude bits (front bottoms) in good working order. It goes with purple and a red hat.
Can't knock it in the long run though.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So I need some help with setting some goals I can actually achieve. I think I will just throw some stuff out there and see if anyone can help.
My weight: * So back in therapy - next appointment is 29th of Jan. Had one session before Christmas to set the scene of what I wanted to achieve around, my body image and self worth related to it. It's connection to my fear of intimacy (emotional more so than sexual) with men. A tool maybe I used for self flagellation. Why do I keep this weight. Has it served is purpose and beyond it's use by date.
* Appointment booked with a Naturopath on 18th of Feb, for full testing for physiological barriers to no weight loss and the hormone relationship to the depression. This is expensive and tipping into plastic surgery savings. But feels like it needs to be done.
* Paleo - I stopped eating Paelo from about the 31st through to the 5th. PMS symptom, emotional eating from feeling lonely and socialising - drinking wine which is something I never do. I have spent from the 6th of Jan to now going through the carb blues and period. No wonder I feel so crazy.
* Exercise - I signed back up to the gym on Sunday. Habitate for Fitness. It's got a functional fitness focus. I have access to a kettlebell, TRX (which I love) and spin class, also Yoga - which would be new for me. I met with a new trainer on Tuesday and we went through my weightloss/excercise/food saga. I hour meeting. Not the usual. So we agreed that weightloss would not be the priority. I told him a wanted to get really strong for my plastic surgery. He has interest in Olympic weightlifting. I told I like heavy over lots of reps. So it might be a good match. We will see.
Plastic Surgery: * I sent away for a full quote this week on the cost of just the surgery. OMG $15000NZ more than I had budgeted for. But I will suck this up. * Surgery date needs to move from April/May to the end of June as my work secondment has been extended. I am a little disappointed about this as I want the surgery sooner rather than later. But I guess this gives me time to get healthier mentally and physically.
Work: * As I said my secondment has been extended. I love the idea and the vision of the project I am working, however the day to day tasks involved, leave me unfulfilled. I am doing a lot of researching of children's child protection histories with the state and using his information with the child's current presentation with a recommendation to what interventions and support are needed in the here and now to address long standing complex needs the child is presenting with. The work facinates me. But it's not the part of social work I love. * So I am considering a change of career direction. I think I want to move into psychotherapy/hypotherapy. Something face to face, maybe setting up private practice in the future as a move into my 50-60's. I have looked at some study options. Really exspensive. And likely not going to fit into a financial plan for a couple of years.
Social life: * I have felt very lonely over the Christmas/New Year period. All of my close friends went out of Auckland for this period. So I spent a large proportion of it on my own. *I guess to make up for this I spent some time with a very lovely man, who I think I could fall very much in love with. I don't think he feels the same. I am more attached than he is. I don't like feeling the unrequitness of it all. * So to overcome these feelings I have dated up a storm since Christmas. I am not sure if this has been a good decision. I went into with an attitude of discovering male friendships, but the male/female dynamic is confusing for this girl. I really don't speak male at all. * I have wonder who I can extend my social cirle without dating. I think I find dating so much easier that making friends, because of the one on one nature of the interaction. Where has meeting people in social settings, brings out my social anxiety. I freeze at the thought of walking into any meetup situation. I find the idea compeltely pertrying. Now that I am writing this I know exactly why I feel my life is stalling. This social anxiety and phobia is stopping me from walking out of my house to enjoy activities with other people. Ok so now we know.
Ancaire said something in her post, about the whisper of depression telling me "I can't". It rang very true.
Eery time I think about things I am interested in, cycling, music or art or anything for that matter, and I think about maybe taking a night class or joining a group. I make all of the enquiries for when and where and how. And then I stop. I can't take the next step.
All I hear in my mind are "you can't". I feel so stuck that I can't widen my life to new experiences because I so scared.
How do other people do this. How do you go to your dancing? How do you take on something knew and be ok with doing it infront of other people. Talking to people you have no connection with.
Sometimes I wonder how I get myself out the door in the morning. Lol
