got the ILYBNILWY on 8/18/15. W went away the next weekend and started her full blown romantic affair.
I uncovered the truth 11/6/15 and blew the lid off it. W apologized and we began working on saving the M in earnest.
Things have been very good for the last two months. We attend MC weekly and I attend IC as well in order to deal with some of the feelings I've had after discovering the A.
We are communicating better than we have in a long time and are actively ML on a regular basis.
I've made so many changes to my own life and I continue to do those things. I've done a good job of setting boundaries with W and they seem to be effective.
I guess I'm just looking for advice and support on how to better deal with the piecing part of the recovery process.
I won't go through this again, so I want to do my best to make sure that I'm doing all I can do to make our new M a great one.
I know this board doesn't get a lot of traffic, either, but hopefully someone has some suggestions for me.
Hi, I don't have a lot to contribute - I was here and then went back to Newcomers when I discovered that H was back in an EA with OW again, but it was supposedly fizzling just when I found out - so we're piecing again. I'm too afraid to jinx it to come back here, though, but I stop by.
What kind of boundaries did you set?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Mostly in regards to attitude and how I allow myself to be treated. I used to let W have her way and not really challenge. I don't do that anymore.
She can get really angry over things I consider insignificant and I used to let her treat me poorly when something would happen because I was always taught to pick my battles.
When I realized that my issue wasn't the event, but the reaction, I set the boundary that she doesn't get to talk to me in that way. If it's something she want to discuss, I'll listen when she calms down, but she doesn't get to yell at me about putting peanuts in the wrong container anymore (example)
Sounds like a very mature approach. I have had similar problems, and it seems some people get worse the nicer you are to them. Healthy boundaries can get you more respect.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
I just wrote and update on my sitch over in newcomers.
Things are going well. The more I learn about myself and W, the more I realize that this A had so little to do with me and who I am, and had so much more to do with W and the internal struggles that she's been battling her whole life.
That's not to say I didn't contribute to things. Our M wasn't great, but it wasn't bad; it just was... I didn't or couldn't hear what she was trying to say in the way she was saying it and that made her feel like I didn't love her.
I've learned to validate and listen. I keep my mouth shut and my ears open and it has made a world of difference.
I've learned more about what I need and what I want for myself, which is probably the most important thing. We can't be truly happy until we realize that our happiness comes from within...
Just wanted to let everyone know that things are still going well for me. W and I are 6 months past the day I told her that I knew about OM and the day she decided she wanted to work on things. There have been bumps in the road to be sure, but the good days well outweigh the bad. We have the tools we need now to get past those ugly patches because of my DBing and combined MC and IC.
I'm in a much better place now because i've learned and seen my co-dependent tendencies and I know I can't get sucked into that if I truly want to be happy. I also can't run away from conflict and have learned that some of it is actually healthy. I'm seeing with both eyes open and am truly living and not just merely existing.
W has put a lot of work into getting herself to a better place. She's done lot of reflecting and has really started to focus on some issues that she's had. She is much happier now than ever before.
Most importantly, we are making time for each other. It doesn't have to be fancy, we just spend time together. It's nice.
Follow the system, follow the rules and regardless of the result of your R, you will be a happier healthier person, I promise!
I know now that no matter what happens, I can handle it! I came out the other side a stronger person and that's because of this program!
I chose it because I love Rudyard Kipling and I felt kind of connected to that journey Mowgli goes through.
He has no idea who he is or who he's supposed to be and that's how I was feeling. i felt for a long time that I was being pulled in 1,000 directions. Everyone wanted me to be someone different or do something for them and I felt lost.
I'm out of the Jungle now. I feel like I know who I am, who I want to be and how to get there.
Hi mowgli, wondering if you have any more updates for us? Do you and w live under the same roof?
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Hi. I literally haven't visited this site since my last post. I needed a break because my mind wasn't letting me let go of things in a healthy way.
Being cheated on changes you. It shatters your world and at the same time opens you up to the world and everything it offers.
W and I are still together and still in a good place. our M is full of communication and understanding. We are no longer in counseling, and we no longer talk about the A. We don't need to because we have dealt with those feelings already.
Do I still think about it? honestly, I think about it every day. It's been almost a year since I found out and yes, I still give it head space, but it doesn't make me angry anymore; It doesn't hurt me anymore. It was something that we had to get past to make our M work.
What I really concentrate on now is how I respond and what I respond to with W when there are disagreements.
W has high anxiety. She doesn't deal with change very well. Her life growing up was constantly trying to live up to an unattainable expectation set by one of her parents. When they visit, or plan to visit, her anxiety meter goes crazy for days leading up to it. She gets stressed and she lashes out.
In the past, I would succumb to this and I would become the "emotional punching bag" because I thought that's what she needed and that I was a safe person to do that with, but it created an imbalance in our relationship. She didn't value me because I never really challenged her on what she would say to me in those moments.
I have learned to stand up for myself and it's made all the difference in the world. Not that I'm never wrong, mind you, just that I know when things are getting out of perspective.
We had a huge fight last night and it was because she was trying to "keep score." That was how a lot of our relationship went before the A and I'm not going back to that.
It was about dishes and them getting done. We had just had a 20+ person party the night before and she was impatient about dishes being in the sink. Dishes are my job and she wanted them done faster I guess, so she did them. then she tried to put it back on me saying that she's doing my jobs and that was a huge trigger for me.
we ended up fighting about the dishes and she started getting a little crazy, so I took a time out and re-grouped. It wasn't the dishes that bothered me, it was the score keeping. Like I said earlier, I'm not going back to that. She never has to do those things that are my responsibility and if she is choosing to, that's not on me and I will not be made to feel guilty about them.
I'm also not willing to sit there and go over everything else I'v done that day, week ect. to defend myself to her. I don't need to do that and I'm not willing to do it. I don't keep score with her, don't count how many time I do things for her etc. because takes away from the partnership aspect of the R.
This happens in so many Rs and Ms. People want to keep score and say "well I'm doing X and they're not doing X." it creates resentment on both sides and created un-needed competition.
She had a stressful week. She felt anxious about a bunch of stuff at work and family visiting the day before.
I held my own. and I stayed strong. Things worked themselves out.
Piecing isn't all "sunshine and roses." piecing doesn't mean you'll never have a disagreement again. Relationships are hard. We don't fight often, but when we do I now have the confidence to stand up for myself and say "hey! I don't deserve that!"
Do I still think about it? honestly, I think about it every day. It's been almost a year since I found out and yes, I still give it head space, but it doesn't make me angry anymore; It doesn't hurt me anymore. It was something that we had to get past to make our M work.
It doesn't sound like you actually got past it if you think about it every day. IF it doesn't hurt, or make you angry, what is it doing to you? Worry, fear? I'm not sure you're over it.
Quote:
Piecing isn't all "sunshine and roses." piecing doesn't mean you'll never have a disagreement again. Relationships are hard. We don't fight often, but when we do I now have the confidence to stand up for myself and say "hey! I don't deserve that!"
You are absolutely correct, I am still piecing, and always will be.
Did you actually mention the score keeping part of it, have you suggested that might be something to work on? You know in an inteliigent way that won't cause a fight?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
We did talk about the scorekeeping side of things at length. Initially she didn't seem to understand; she was too focused on the task and the "scorkeeping" element. When she finally understood what I was trying to say, we were able to resolve the argument because we could talk about it rationally.
re: thinking about it:
I don't worry about it happening again, I have no fear about it because I know how to handle it if it does; I know I deserve better than that.
Cheating is an awful thing to do to someone and I don't think that's something you ever truly "get over." It's a traumatic experience, no different than PTSD.
we don't "get over it," but we do find ways to process and deal with those thoughts. We find ways to deal with them that are healthy. This isn't something that runs through my mind 24/7, but like anyone else, there are triggers for me that take me back there.
I think you could ask anyone that has found themselves in a situation like this, man or woman, and they would say the exact same thing. You never forget, you just give it less and less headspace. We're ONLY a year out from the start of the whole thing and less into piecing (like 10 months).
If you include hysterical bonding time, we're probably only 6 months into real, true piecing territory, where there is some semblance of normality in our lives.
So yes, I do think about it every day, but I don't think about it every second of every day like I did initially. I don't dwell on it, ruminate it over, and over, and over; It pops into my head, I give it a minute, then I go on with my life. But the point is it's still there every day, it's not something you can sweep under the rug and not deal with because that's when resentment starts to build.
Cheating is an awful thing to do to someone and I don't think that's something you ever truly "get over." It's a traumatic experience, no different than PTSD.
we don't "get over it," but we do find ways to process and deal with those thoughts. We find ways to deal with them that are healthy. This isn't something that runs through my mind 24/7, but like anyone else, there are triggers for me that take me back there.
I think you could ask anyone that has found themselves in a situation like this, man or woman, and they would say the exact same thing. You never forget, you just give it less and less headspace. We're ONLY a year out from the start of the whole thing and less into piecing (like 10 months).
I did. Preaching to the choir here.
That's why I was wondering why you were thinking about it daily.
Have you told her about the triggers as well?
Quote:
it's not something you can sweep under the rug and not deal with because that's when resentment starts to build.
I agree. The sense of betrayal isn't yours to fix on your own, But hers to assuage you, and as long as she is doing that, then you should try and move past it together.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yeah, We have talked about those. Most of the time, it's not something that she's said or done (although every once in a while she might use a pet name that she called him). I tried to be open and honest with her in those times early in the piecing, and she recognizes those things now.
Now if it happens it's usually an article on my newsfeed, or a comment someone else makes and the A ends up on my mind. Not intentionally, but it's there none the less.
As time has gone on,though, I'm less and less affected by the triggers and fewer and fewer things trigger me, if that makes sense. It's all part of the process, I guess.
I'm trying really hard not to fall back into those patterns of distain and resentment. Initially, things seemed easy. as we've gone further along, though, you have to work at maintaining what you've built.
For me, my hardest thing has been boundaries. Set them for me and to protect me, but I haven't always done that. I have to be vigilant in protecting those boundaries so that I don't get steamrolled.
You will not think about the Affair every day I promise. It will fade from memory if you let it. Even buttons lose their connection to the source after some time.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi Mowgli, I appreciate all you've said. I'm almost to the one year BD mark, but only about 5 months into the reconciliation. I still think about the ow way too often and I resent the headspace she seems to be squatting on in my brain.
And thanks, Jack, for reminding us to every day give them a reason to love us. It's not an easy process, this piecing, and just like the name implies, we place one piece where we think it goes, but maybe it doesn't quite fit so we try somewhere (something) else. Trial and error.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
If you are piecing, and reconciling then the advice is going to be very different than most DB tactics.
Here you are able to talk about your relationship, you have to, here you have to set boundaries with consequences. Here you get to argue. Here you get to say I love you. You get to talk about the OW you get to talk about how you feel and what he is doing to reassure you. As long as both of you are working on reconciling there are a ton of things you get to do that they cannot do or advise you to do in New Comers.
Its a whole different ball game, with different rules.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I just read one of your posts in Newcomers, and I would like to apologize for assumptions about genders. Please accept my apology it was made in ignorance.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks for reminding me what this process it and what it's about. Jack, you are right. It's important to talk about those things, and it's needed here, where in newcomers, the advice is to focus on you, here we are focusing on the R.
Hi mowgli, thanks for coming back to the board and updating us. When you started to reconcile did W move back in with you. My R seems to be stop / start and I'm not sure if it is genuine or not.
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Hi mowgli, thanks for coming back to the board and updating us. When you started to reconcile did W move back in with you. My R seems to be stop / start and I'm not sure if it is genuine or not.
Mine didn't, not right away. Part of it was contract on apartment. Part of it was I didn't want her to without some solid evidence that our marriage was her priority.
SRT if you are reconciling why not make a thread in here?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi Jack, tbh I'm not sure what is going in my sitch, my W keep cycling and just when I think we are making progress she goes back into the shadows.
However I am pretty certain she is in MLC, having admitted it (which she now denies!!!) and made all the classic noises, done the standard things etc.
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
W never fully moved out. When i put my foot down and was trying to control the situation, she moved into the GBR in the basement.
When I finally outed the A and told her I was Lawyering up, she committed to working on it. I let her sit on it for a while and then she moved back into the MBR.
It wasn't textbook on my part, but it did all work out. We already had 3 therapy session in, so at that point, I just decided to ride the waves on emotions I was feeling and just tried to hang on until our next appt (3-days after).
I'll start a thread and hope some of the people over here chime in.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I still deal with the emotional forgiveness. Not on a daily level, but on a situational, few-times-a-week level.
And that's us Divorced for 4 months, not seeing each other except for kid exchanges! The hysterical bonding would help to cement the relationship, knowing the really rough patches are working through the anger and betrayal (you) and shame and loneliness (her).
I think you might benefit from some communication classes together. From our chats here, I would think you're very proficient at this, but doing this together would help tremendously. Maybe not - just an observation.
I enjoy seeing your posts - so I'm encouraging it!
So happy to see you blessed with a reconciled marriage. Hard work - so much work. But worth it.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I woke up this morning and she was already awake, laying in bed. We cuddled. It was nice.
Life has been good to me and it's fixing to get better as I complete some projects over the next few months.
W is doing well, but she is dealing with a lot of anxiety right now as well. She has gained some weight which she is upset about, while I have been losing weight like crazy (down 25lbs). It's hard for her because she's trying to be supportive of me, but my weight loss just remind her that she is not having the same success.
She has also been intentionally pulling away from her family. I understand why and it makes sense to me. I support her and support her decisions, but it's something she is really having a rough time with. Lots of anxiety when we have family functions ect. It makes things awkward.
I'm just really trying to be there for her. I still think she needs to be talking this out with someone. There are things from her past that she needs to deal with, so she can move on, and that's not something many can do on their own.
W is out of town for a few days and it is tough. Trust issues and stuff.
I find myself wanting to say something to her. I know she knows how I feel about things when she does leave because we have had that discussion, but she doesn't ever really say anything to me about it.
She will be with a couple of coworkers; one male and the other female.
I know why I'm nervous, but I wish it would go away.
I realize that I can only control myself and cannot control others actions, only how I respond to them. If something did happen, I know how I would respond, and so I feel like I shouldn't feel nervous, but I do.
I've said this before, but I don't think you can say it too many times: You never really get over the betrayal, you only learn to deal with it.
Piecing is so hard. DBing is hard, don't get me wrong, but there's that little bit of self doubt about whether or not you did the right thing, you know?
I always said I'd leave if this happened and here I am. Does that make me weak?
I think part of that comes from the detachment process. You put so much effort into GALing and detaching and distancing yourself to protect yourself from the turmoil of the WW or the MLCer etc.
Then finally, when you come out the other side and you're ready to move on and that's when they come back. It's so strange how that works.
I love where we are at, but there's part of me that hasn't shaken that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is this real? Is this forever? Is this the right call?
All we can do is do our best to cultivate that R and hope that this was the path we were meant to walk.
I hope it's not forever, and I suspect it's not. But I get what you mean. When we're fooled, we don't want to be a fool again. But reconciling and piecing inherently means taking the risk that we'll find happiness, not misery, and that we won't be the fool again.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Oh, I still talk about it, when I need to. Our MC told W to expect that when I'm ready for the answers, I'll bring up additional questions and to answer them honestly. She also suggested that we limit talking about it to certain times, or in therapy. W knows I still think about it and I'm lucky; she tries hard to reassure me.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I feel similar I "pretend" my W and I split. She lives down the street and time has gone by and we started hanging out again....and she started spending the night etc.
I use this exercise to say what would I do. My W is the best she has been in years. So I like spending time with her .. and would hate for her to go out with someone else....
Everyone can cheat and lie.... or it is more "normal" than I ever thought possible
I struggle or at least think about it often...lies and the sex
But W is great now..... and making it up to me so to speak....
I try to remember she is not perfect. I used to think so. The other exercise I do is think about-- what if my daughter ran away and did stupid things and then came home -- I would take care of her ....( I know it is not the same ) but it is something I do to humanize my W... or more accurately, help me not to judge her... accept what it is - boundaries of course.
I have never been unfaithful... but I have thought about it...so I try to understand
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
Oh, I still talk about it, when I need to. Our MC told W to expect that when I'm ready for the answers, I'll bring up additional questions and to answer them honestly. She also suggested that we limit talking about it to certain times, or in therapy. W knows I still think about it and I'm lucky; she tries hard to reassure me.
I'm the opposite. My W does NOT want to talk about it outside of therapy. If I bring up anything outside of therapy, she gets dark and gets really depressed. I know its probably counterproductive, but I stopped talking about it because she simply cannot handle the gravity of what she did.
This is probably why she doesn't like MC either. That's when we talk about her affair. We've been on a good streak and we only go to MC when things are rough. So we had a bad fight the other night (not infidelity related), so instead of getting into a war, I stopped right there and told her we need to iron this out in MC. She agreed. I made an appointment. I can tell she's dreading it, because the MC will say this argument has roots in her affair, and she'll have to own it.
That all being said, she is being transparent with me and assures me she has nothing to hide - even though her and OM still work together. For all I know, this could've gone underground, but if she were to be found out again, both our kids will cut her out of their lives. I don't think she'd risk that.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
I have not been posting, but I've been around and reading the newbies section.
I should probably chime in more than I do, but there are great people on the board that are really good at giving needed advice, and most of the time those people have already said what I think.
It's a little over two years since BD, and almost two years since I confronted my W about her A.
I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about it anymore; I still think about it every day, but it doesn't affect me like it once did.
We are still together, and things are good most days. W still struggles with depression. She doesn't like to medicate, but she doesn't like to feel depressed, either.
About a year ago, I was doing some snooping and discovered what I deemed to be the start of an EA. The guy lived on the other side of the country. There were things he was saying which clearly crossed the line. W did not discourage the talk, and there were times where what she said crossed the line as well.
I was admittedly ready to leave, as I had one foot out the door and that should've been the second. When I had calmed down, we talked and she admitted that talking to this OM made her feel good. I understand this, but what hurts is that my LL is words of affirmation, and I tell her those things literally multiple times a day, every day. She went NC and has stuck to that.
I have continued to work on myself, because that's the only thing that I can truly control. I've increased my yearly earnings by 50% and I've maintained the weight I've lost. I'm currently looking to lose more, but I'm happy with where I'm at.
Like I said, our R is in a good place. I've changed and definitely have more of a back bone now. I stand up for myself in petty arguments, and don't just give in. It could be something that I don't really care about one way or another, but if she starts to get accusatory, I stand my ground.
This has led to more respect from my wife. I'm not a pushover any more, and I find her engaging with me in more decision making, rather than just making decisions on her own.
I'm starting to make too many decisions on my own, though, which is something I'm trying to work on. I need to be better about communicating my plans.
I just want to clarify to everyone that I am happy with where my life is, but by no means is overcoming an A the end of the journey, and a good M is a byproduct of give and take, and good communication. There are still times where we fight, and i've learned that fighting IS sometimes GOOD for a R.
I am where I am because I've taken ownership of my actions and decisions, and I've stopped letting people pull me in 100 different directions. I do things now because I want to, not out of obligation to anyone. I needed to take care of myself and I needed to put W and I back on the same, level playing field again, before a positive outcome could take place. We are at the place now.
I feel respected by my family and I have gained new respect for myself through all of this.
Glad to read your continuing story. Although no fairytale ending, it does stand to you what you have achieved. I hope all continues to be well for you. Best wishes from an old supporter
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I saw you lurking! Any update? I think everyone wonders what the long-term outcome was for situations they read or followed. Hope yours turned out well.
