Deciding Whether to Separate

[brutus3]

Ok, I've gone through the links and ordered DR.

Just found out my new boss doesn't need me this week which [censored] (surveying and mapping). Like I mentioned earlier, I can't go full time until April and I was hoping that I could at least work part-time and start training more. The situation is hard to explain but it's another wall I need to overcome. I was really looking forward to this new career path, it's a good fit for me and job options in this resort area are scarce unless I flip pizzas or wait tables. I know my wife won't respect me until I'm making decent money and therefore I know things won't get better between us until then. That EA she had, she was drawn to him because he owns his own business and owns a lot of land. She confessed to me a couple of months ago that she feels like she needs a type A guy.

I'll also start trying to reach out and talk to more people. How much should I say about my marital situation?

[Cadet]

My suggestion is to talk about your marital situation here.

Talking to others will be hit or miss and also could have repercussions into the future.

The people here understand what you are going through.

We have been there and done that.

[brutus3]

Some more background about the separation thing: the W and have gone back and forth on who leaves. This isn't a new debate between us. Also, I was driving a company vehicle (owned by her parents) and she let me buy a vehicle that was worth the equity in our house (15 to 20K). So we had a sort of an unwritten agreement that she'd keep the house and that would be my payoff for the house. I know you aren't supposed to make big purchases with a looming separation but I needed something reliable. With that in mind:

This morning, the wife mentioned a rental in town that came available and I said something along the line "that might be a good place for you then". You could literally watch her head explode. She was furious. She got really nasty...get this: she said it's not fair for her to hear me cry in the back of the house and to be sad all of the time. She I need to man up and deal with my depression (I'm not depressed, just going through an extremely trying time), and that she will refuse to support me for loafing around and make me pay rent in MY OWN HOUSE. She said it doesn't make sense financially and that I agreed to something previously and taking advantage of her. I told her that's not true, I need a couple of months to get my job going and my life in place before I leave. That it's not fair that I should leave the house if I'm breaking up the FAMILY. She seemed to calm down but she tried to get me out of MB. I said no. She relented and asked if I could get the office stuff out of the spare room she's been sleeping in and I said ok, that would be fair. She said she doesn't want our daughter to see us fight, that's why we should split. But I told her we haven't had a real argument in 6 weeks. And this morning wasn't even a real argument, not once did I raise my voice.

We plan on hashing out the rest of the separation within a couple of weeks. She seems fine with letting me stay until I get back on my feet. We'll probably put the house on the market after I do a little work to it.

We talked more about what went wrong between us (not communicating enough, brushing our problems under the rug, etc.). We are calm for now again and I bought some time. I know I'll have to find my own place at some point, just not now.

[brutus3]

I told her that's not true, I need a couple of months to get my job going and my life in place before I leave. That it's not fair that I should leave the house if I'm breaking up the FAMILY.

To clarify, I meant write:

That it's not fair that I should leave the house if SHE'S THE ONE breaking up the FAMILY.

[Cadet]

I agreed to something previously and taking advantage of her.

Yea she agree to marry you too and that was not fair for her to break her vows.

Best to seek legal counsel before you agree to anything

[Painter]

Hi, you're getting some good advice and much reading for the marital issues, but I would like to add: *slow down*, and be careful about the legal stuff. It's not good to make big decisions until you have read the book (Divorce Remedy is the newest version) and understand the concept, and know your legal standing in detail.

The car purchase bothers me, also the attitude the two of you seem to have (or maybe just she) that both of your incomes are not family income, but separate and puts you in different 'classes'. I have encountered this with my H after he cheated, and I called him out on it in MC. Finances were never an issue until OW came into the picture.

It is an unfortunate situation you are in materially, but I think it puts you in a legally strong position. Please do not do anything before you have consulted with a lawyer. Look for one that works only with divorce.

The decision to buy you out of the house with a car is terrible, I'm sorry to say. Getting something that only drops in value in exchange for something that increases in value is not good. Fortunately, that verbal agreement is not binding.

Also, if you have been the main caretaker of your daughter, you will most likely get primary custody, while W, as the high income earner, will have to pay you child support and spousal support. 15 years (could be more) and normally spousal support for half of the length of the M. The situation is enhanced by you moving to live and work with her family, giving up your job where you lived. The promise to take over the company can even come into play, if it was ever put in writing.

You should set aside money (do you have a shared checking account?) and talk to a good lawyer - not someone who wants to pawn you off to a mediator. Don't make this easy for her.

My H came to his senses partly because he realized how difficult life would be if he chose to D me. It can be like a bucket of ice water.

Also, if you cry, don't let her see or hear it. Turn on some music. In her current state, she does not care, and it only pushes her further away. Been there, done that with my H. The guys around here talk about putting their Clint on - emulate Clint Eastwood (but a bit more fun, I'm sure). She told you she wants a more type A man - did you use to be that?

I am so sorry for what you're facing. I think it's a positive thing that she has not fixated on one particular guy. She wants something that she doesn't think you can give her, because the circumstances have made you less of a man than you were when you met. It sounds like she's still searching. Speed-read DR and start acting like someone only a fool would leave.

[brutus3]

Thanks Painter. That post was really helpful. I'll work on controlling my emotions around her. It's hard because I'm dealing with multiple things such as the employment issue and feeling isolated.

When we first met, I just got a new job and I was forming a band. Had lots of friends from work and I was also dating a lot. I'm not normally a type A but during that time, I was probably exhibiting a lot of those behaviors. I was definitely in a good spot and in charge of the relationship.

I haven't started my own checking acct yet, we have joint accounts. On paper, our incomes are actually combined 50-50. The wife set this up in case we wanted to upgrade to a larger house (2 yrs ago when things were better). Technically, we are contractors (real estate industry) and for payroll reasons we have an LLC. That LLC provides payroll to us and goes into our joint checking acct. I only made 40K last year but since we both made 110K, on paper I made 55K. Hopefully, that makes sense. It's a little complicated but that's how it's set up.

For reference, I'll be getting paid about 25-30K/yr once my new job takes off. In a couple of years, hopefully 40K. I'm starting over in a new career at 42, so it's tough right now.

I have a little cash from my dad for emergencies. I'll have to set up a new PO Box too, probably do both of those things this week.

I spoke with an attorney about 3 weeks ago. He said most divorces in our state go to mediation. I don't think he specializes in family issues so maybe he's not the right guy to get advice from. He said I probably won't get child support unless I'm the primary caregiver. I doubt the wife would agree to that without a big battle. I have another referral that seemed more aggressive on the phone but expensive. I should probably give him a call...

[Painter]

Glad you felt what I wrote, was helpful!

I would stop all activities from your end towards initiating a separation. You don't want to divorce, right? I would not separate finances at this point. Let her take all the initiative, but be prepared (know what she can and can't do) and do what you have to protect yourself.

If you own a company together and have manipulated income on paper, you definitely need a good attorney. This is quite complicated and you need advise on your position.

You don't need to hire anyone at this point, just talk to a few and see what they say and what kind of impression you get of their knowledge. Don't chose an attorney because he or she is nice. Maybe go to a larger city to find someone, if it's limited where you live. Be clear about what you want - not create conflict or be vengeful, but protect your rights.

It sounds like she is financially very savvy and could steamroll you unless you have a good attorney. I recommend that you call today. The hourly rate is *nothing* compared to the financial consequences you're looking at for the next 15 years.

She doesn't have to agree in order for you to get primary custody. You said you have been working part-time in order to be the primary caretaker for your child? All judges prefer that children have stability, but access to both parents. They want the children to remain in familiar surroundings with familiar people, that's why I think you would have a good chance of getting the house and child support.

The difficult thing here is to separate the issues. It is very hard to realize that the person who is supposed to love you and protect you is actually willing to hurt you financially. It requires some compartmentalization.

Good luck and keep us updated!

[brutus3]

I know it hurts but a part of me just wants to move on. I mean really, do I want to pursue someone indefinitely. If she goes off the reservation too far, I know I won't want her back. I have my limits, my dignity, and my sanity. I know I have a family to keep together and the hardest thing about this is screwing up my kid if we split. I can tell that if I'm having a really bad day, my daughter looses all interest in what she learned about potty training, manners, and overall behavior. She senses something is really wrong and the best thing I can do is make myself happy so that I can protect her. If I'm not happy, I can't help her grow. And I'll be damned if I keep myself stuck in a situation with that kind of conflict.

[brutus3]

I was at a small social event tonight, mostly guys a couple of significant others that I've been meeting with a few times. Keep in mind, I live in a small and tight resort community. My wife's family is rather notorious and sometimes not for positive reasons...

Anyway, I wanted to say something to my little group about my impending separation. I didn't want to trash everyone's night so I kept my mouth shut. Something really odd happened afterwards. As we called it a night and we all walked out the door, every male reached out and shook my hand before I left. This has never happened before, the shaking of the hand at these meetings. I think everyone was aware of my marital problems and they were offering some sort of condolence or support. This touched me deeply since I've felt so isolated, this has been one of my few social outlets. Funny how things work, small towns, big surprises...