It is been some time since we have been on the same page and think it might be time that we talked about how to make this happen.
I know that there are things we want to achieve and have in your life that have yet to happen for you. I feel like you blame me for not letting those things happen.
I don’t want to feel blamed for this any longer.
I am willing to work with you to support you to achieve want you want, but you have to help me out here.
I actually don’t know how to help you. I feel like just when we are getting somewhere you stop right in tracks and sabotage everything we are trying to achieve. I don’t understand why you do this. I
It’s like you really don’t want you say you want. It frustrates me no end that you do this.
It’s like being truly happy and reaping the rewards of all your hard work and dedication is like a bitter pill or a hateful crime to you.
I feel so sad that you never allow yourself any goodness. I feel angry with you that you do this to us.
What do you want me to? What do you need from me? Because I am at complete loss as to how to help you have what you want.
When I look at you I see a beautiful woman, who has lived a good and honest life. I see someone who has been a good and faithful daughter and sister, a loyal and loving friend. A hard worker, dedicated to what you do. I know you to be a loving, kind and generous partner.
But what I also see is someone who doubts the gifts you have and the place you have in the world. I see you doubt and deny what you give to others and in turn doubt what they give you.
I see you long for acceptance both of yourself and others. I see you craving a partner who will accept and love you for all your brokenness, and when you find a partner that does, you hate them and disrespect them for loving something you feel is so broken. I see you choosing sadness and death over living life.
I know you don’t know what it means to live life, that it scares you beyond any measure. I am beginning to think that fear of dying is easier for you than fear of living your life with joy. I see you struggle with this. I wonder what this is, what is means to you. I know you look at the world and see people embracing life, not understand how they live it and love life.
But you know what Jellyb, it isn’t so scary to take the leap of faith on living life. It won’t break you, it won’t kill you. Likely it will hurt a bit at times. But likely it could feel good too. It could feel better than anything you ever imagined. Ah I hear you say, “But Jellyb, it’s so hard to do this all alone”. What you fail to realise JellyB is that everyone is doing this ride alone. No one dies doing this life alone. It won’t kill you, but you know what the way you are living life right now will do it.
It’s time Jellyb, it’s time to leave whatever is holding you back, to let it go. Leave it in the past. Leave it with the memories of all the people that hurt you and left you and didn’t love you and appreciate you.
There is a life out there with your name on it. Adventure’s to be had, good things to be seen and felt. I know it’s scary to let go, to step up and out.
Have faith JellyB, that I will see you through. I can’t guarantee that you won’t be hurt again, and I guarantee that we won’t fall over and stumble. I guarantee that there won’t be more darkness. But what I will guarantee is that I won’t leave you. I’ll be right here, and guarantee that it will be better. It will be much, much better.
I know I don’t say it often, ok at all, but I do love and cherish you. We will get there I promise.
Beautifully expressed Jellyb, so moving and vulnerable. Please, please embrace the side of yourself that believes. The side that has faith. The side that is willing to simply put one foot in front of the other towards the direction of adventure and happiness.
There is SO much out there for you to enjoy Jellyb. So much beauty, so much love, so many people that are yearning for a role model such as yourself. Someone that felt the fear and did it anyway. Someone who had gotten knocked down but picked herself up and smiled at the world - despite the harsh realities of it.
I see nothing but glorious potential written in that post. Potential for the life you have desired all the way up to this moment. It's there, it's not far. You've done the work, it's so damn evident. Your heart is massive Jelly, its MASSIVE! It cares for everyone on this forum and creates poetry in your posts.
I too Jellyb, love and cherish you. You are there already.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Jelly, I want to give you the world's biggest hug. I understand so much of what you're conveying. I'm going to agree with the part in which you say, "it's time".
It really is. I took a giant breath, said a prayer to strengthen my faith, and them took that giant leap into the unknown - partly because you were right there, telling me I could do it!
Living with melancholy (I love this more romantic term for depression!) really is like living with two versions of yourself: You've got the strong, capable woman you know you can be, and often are. Then you've got the frightened, insecure woman who is always whispering "you can't" in your ear.
You can. I know you absolutely can. You're going to have to fake it until you feel it. Reach out when you need someone to tell you you can do it. Some of us are damaged in a way that makes us doubt ourselves. But we have more empathy than a lot of people can even imagine having, because we feel everything so very deeply.
I personally find you to be one of the most beautiful, genuine, and loving women I've ever had the pleasure to know. It doesn't matter that I've not met you IRL. I "see" you in your beautiful, thoughtful posts. Jelly, I'm not the only one.
If you have to, while you're getting ready to take the leap, borrow strength from us - those who believe in you. Tap into our vision of you and use that to move forward. Just don't fall into listening to the whisper that will tell you you'll let us down. There's no way. No matter what, there is no way you'll let us down.
I know you will get there in time. Even if you don't, you will continue to be as lovely a person to me as ever. You can just be yourself, and you'll be admired.
You've got the most poetic, prose-like way with the written word I've ever seen. I could read anything you care to write for hours. It's hauntingly gorgeous, Jelly.
We'll stumble...but remember, that's not because we're broken. It's because we're human. My greatest insight has been from the realization that I'm not "broken" - I'm unique! Deep-feeling, thoughtful, kind, caring...all qualities I admire in others.
I've been so honest about who I am here - and have found nothing but love and acceptance in return. So much so, that I've learned to love and accept myself again, too. You're doing the same thing - and I can tell...you are fiercely loved by people here. You touch people. That is beautiful. As are you.
There's absolutely no way I can think to respond to that without diminishing what's going on. All I can say is you're cool. Thanks for sharing with us JB.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
There's absolutely no way I can think to respond to that without diminishing what's going on. All I can say is you're cool. Thanks for sharing with us JB.
Please say what you think Zues. I put it out there because I need the help. I feel crazy for doing it but it needs to be done. (Blush so very embarrassed)
Hey jellyb, first stop putting yourself down every chance you get. You are not crazy or need training wheels or anything. Ive seen your writings and you are ao very close, but it seams like you just refuse to accept how awesome you are.
I will bet without ever seeing a single real life interaction that you refuse compliments, to the point of frustration on the giver????
Self esteem is so very hard to pull from the weeds, especially if it was never developed in the first place...this i know from experience
You are going to break that habbit. Next time you hear a compliment, try super hard to think of why the person could have said it, appreciate that it was genuine and was reflective of how that person actually sees you and then say thank you.
Agree with everyone else, its time. Time for you to love yourself in all of your awesomeness. No more putting yourself down or thinking your not good enough. No more thinking your not worthy of something or someone. Acknowledge to yourself how amazing you really are.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
