Help..I am drowning

[Rick1963]

It is very hard living under the same roof. I did it for over a year. Ex would cook and serve me dinner every night, she would eat with me as if nothing. Even tho she didnt speak to me. The weirdest thing. She made bowtie pasta almost every night? That was new.

All you can do right now is try and keep the peace. If she asked for a ride to work I would do it. What will she do for transportacion when she is on her own? Are you GALing? Very important to find some joy for yourself right now.

[rich4j]

She works from home so it was just a one time thing. She can walk if the weather is fine. No issue there...

Funny thing is so far she has texted me twice on her trip. One was "in case you wanted to know I did get here OK".

Reading all the DB stuff while I won't ignore this, I won't take it , misinterpret or try to think that "wow...she is engaging and wants back in!!!" It is too hurtful and wrong as I need to back away from the ledge on this stuff

I am working on trying to figure out how I stay in my house so I can take care of my 2 dogs and have some "love" around. It will be tough as I travel occassionally but I will make it work

GAL....reconnecting with some friends, a bit of guitar and cant wait until the spring for my harley!

[LITB]

Hi Rich,

You have received some exceptional advice. I can empathize how you are feeling.

You mentioned that your W is possibly moving 5 hours away. Is that in the same state? The reason I ask, is because you have rights. Don't simply give those up. No matter what, your daughter will always be your daughter. Don't sacrifice that for anything.

Do you journal? I found this to be very helpful to me. I wrote down small, attainable goals. I wrote down a lot of different things.

Ultimately, any change in your sitch begins with you. Why? Because you are the one here and the one who wants to save the M. First, you have to work on getting yourself emotionally stronger. That's why it is important to GAL. IMPORTANT!!! This cannot be overstated.

Things will get better. Hang in there. One step at a time.

[rich4j]

thank you.

No...it is a few states away and that is not happening.

It is a selfish request and its all about her happiness which she needs to find but not at the expense of my daughter...she is too precious. She can visit when she likes :-)

I saw your situation in your signature and hats off to you for the rollercoaster and keeping it together!

I am trying to get things going as I come out of the fog. Doing some charity stuff monday on MLK day and plan to pick back up my guitar lessons too.

What a rollercoaster.....

[LITB]

No...it is a few states away and that is not happening.

Good deal. I made this mistake.

It is a selfish request and its all about her happiness which she needs to find but not at the expense of my daughter...she is too precious. She can visit when she likes :-)

Yes, protect your daughter as much as possible. No arguing in front of her. No badmouthing your W. I am sure you are already taking the necessary steps to protect her.

I saw your situation in your signature and hats off to you for the rollercoaster and keeping it together!

Thank you. I can tell you that I have friends from these forums who were going through this at the same time. Some saved their M/R and some did not. We all are better for doing the work. We all have to get ourselves to our happy place in spite of the outcome of our situations. If you put in the work, you will get there too. Believe.

I am trying to get things going as I come out of the fog. Doing some charity stuff monday on MLK day and plan to pick back up my guitar lessons too.

I love the idea of helping others. The more we help others, the more we forget our own problems.

What a rollercoaster.....

Yes it is. It is one of the most difficult things that we can experience. That being said, we can learn more from one storm, than a thousand days of sunshine. Make the best of it and keep the faith.

[rich4j]

She called this evening to talk to our daughter as she is only gone one night. It was painful as I could tell she was buzzed and it bothers me how much she drinks...

I did not ask how the meetings went etc...although I wanted to so badly to see how her day went...I think she expected this too but can't do it.

I am now starting to get mad/angry at the entire situation.

Assuming this is part of the rollercoaster? She has put me thru so much and today...for the first time in months I was angry and didn't have a pit in my stomach and could actually eat!

I keep expecting this miracle call , text, or whatever but from reading the stories here I should stick with reality and know the path right now is D and to try to focus on self.

[LITB]

I keep expecting this miracle call , text, or whatever but from reading the stories here I should stick with reality and know the path right now is D and to try to focus on self.

At the beginning, I think most of us "expect" that magic moment for our wayward spouse to have an epiphany. Expectations keep us on the emotional roller coaster. The reality is that it took a long time to get to this point and will take time to to get back to a good place.

Most of us are impatient and want things resolved immediately. We don't want to feel the emotional pain. Pain suks. Well, growth comes from pain if we choose to dig deep and work. I bet you are more motivated to make change now, than you were in the past. Why? Because people generally become more motivated when they face a loss. In this case, our M/R.

Have you ever heard, "Slow is Fast and Fast is Slow"?
-When you slow down to reflect on how YOU contributed to the demise of your marriage and begin addressing YOUR part, you will be better off down the road.
-If you rush things, you will overlook details, inevitably these areas will need to be revisited(slowing down the process). Additionally, you don't want to go back to the same M, because it wasn't working.

Eventually you will begin to demonstrate genuine change. These changes are for YOU, as you have repeatedly read on these forums. That being said, your W will take note. She might follow your lead or she might not. Only time will tell.

It's your time!! Take the bull by the horns.

[Azzork]

I keep expecting this miracle call , text, or whatever but from reading the stories here I should stick with reality and know the path right now is D and to try to focus on self.

Theres no way to know this to be true.

Live your life as if that miracle call is not going to come, but keep hope alive that it will - until you dont care if it does any more.

The actual act of divorcing your wife doesnt really play into that. If it happens, it happens. If it doesnt, it doesnt.

[rich4j]

thanks LITB

Good advice and this board is very helpful for a place of comfort in the toughest of times.

How did you get thru the ups and downs and it looks like you were close to divorce and reconciled with a bunch of rollercoaster rides?

I have known my issues and have been working on them for a few months. She has noticed but says its too late....heart is hardened and wants to move on. Too much damage done....

I don't know where this goes except divorce and I just have to get thru the ups and downs and false hope of reconciliation for now.

My heart burns every day for the other love of my life which is my daughter. Being 6 , she is precious and innocent and this will squash her heart.

I hate hearing the "kids are resilient" stuff. She is a single child and will be heavily impacted from this....thats what turns my stomach and keeps me up at night.

[rich4j]

Azzork

Makes sense. But I think tomorrow she is going to see a lawyer which is the start of the ball rolling downhill

It could mean things escalate quickly or not but I have no control over that...

It is easier said than done to live my life as if that isn't going to happen and i truly appreciate your words of encouragement

It is what I need to shoot for....or lose my sanity