Zero steps forward

[Pax_luv]

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a wonderful day!

Well, today went well. I didn't shed a tear! I, fortunately, had the dog- he's the best sidekick! I was a little apprehensive about the holidays so I didn't put out decorations, etc. however, I also didn't want to punish myself and suffer given my current r status. In lieu of presents for the family, I decided to make a huge feast for my family for Christmas eve... They really appreciated it!

Today, I had a lovely morning with the dog (of course I bought him presents!) then I went to my parents, and finished off the day with a prime rib dinner at my grandfathers house.

I will admit that h was on my mind a lot today. I always made sure we had a nice Christmas with lots of traditions. My h openly admits he's not sentimental because he's been let down so much in life, he doesn't place a lot of emotional value on people, places, and things (go figure!). Anyway, I KNOW he valued our Christmas traditions and always looked forward to them every year. Everything from me baking cookies just for him, to special stocking stuffers, to breakfast burritos Xmas morning at my parents. There's a part of me that has to believe he would be feeling lonely today and missing some of our traditions. I could be wrong..... And it does me no good to guess or assume.... But it seems logical. Ha!
I mean do we really think any of our was' wake up Christmas morning and say, "hallelujah- I am so happy I don't have to share the day with people who have loved me unconditionally! No incessant giving and gifting! I'm so happy!"

Anyway, I was feeling bad so I sent him a merry Christmas text with a pic of the dog and his new toys... He replied back with a Merry Christmas. First text I've sent him without discussing dog logistics in months and months. Don't know if it was worth it, but i wanted to reach out regardless.

Alright, one more major holiday left to get through- we can do this!

Today, I'm grateful for my entire family who continue to support me, I'm grateful that we all live close enough that we see each other often... And I'm grateful we all get along (for the most part!)

[Pax_luv]

At the airport on my way to the great Pacific Northwest to visit my best friend and ring in the new year with her! i never realized how depressing the airport was! As I pulled up alone with my cab driver we passed couple after couple hugging and kissing good bye. While in line to check my luggage, I saw lots of couples holding hands, and here at the gate, just watching all familes hanging out together is a reminder that I am feeling a little depressed and lonely right now.
Arg- I will shake it off. Just having a low moment and missing my h immensely. We were good travel partners.

3 gratitudes for today:
1) I have a week of fun ahead of me which brings a smile to my face
2) I have great friends to ring in the new year with.
3) I get to see snow today! Something I haven't seen in several years!

[ciluzen]

Feyth,

Hope you enjoy your time with your friend and that you create great memories. You're in my neck of the woods! Have some fun in the snow and bundle up tight!

[pinn]

Hey Feyth... how was that trip??

[Pax_luv]

Hi! Happy new year!

I had an awesome trip- thanks for asking pinn! Went to the Pacific Northwest and had perfect weather! Got to go sledding and snowboarding. Ahhhh- it was so nice! First time my body has ever felt 5 degree weather, too! I love boarding, but I live by the coast and the closest mtns to me are 3 hours away.... Always man made snow and always packed with people. Not even worth the hassle. In addition to my outdoor adventuresI did a lot of wine tasting and even some vodka tasting. Had a great new years eve- cried when midnight struck... But I think that was to be expected!

I've been feeling good. The getaway definitely helped with detachment. I was feeling ballsy tonight so I hid my marital status on facebook. I know, I know... That's so stupid.... But I didn't want to update it or change it.... Just hide it. In the event that anyone looks at my info, it won't say anything. From H's FB it shows we're still married. I finally got to the point where I was feeling like "ahh he11 no!!! I'm not going to be "married" to someone who wants nothing to do with me and is openly dating. I am just now learning my worth and don't deserve that. Ok, it was just a micro baby step and on FB of all things... But I haven't made a single move to let go of this relationship.... And this was important to me. We'll see how I feel about it tomorrow

Hope 2016 is starting off well for everyone.

[Pax_luv]

I read it here all the time.... Nothing good ever comes from snooping! H and I couldn't meet for dog swap today so I had to go to the house and get him. I was actually relieved to not have to see h--- bleh- I just don't want to see him!

Anyway, I read all of his Christmas cards that he had out- all from people I've never even heard of. One from a chick who thanked him for sharing all his dating stories with her. Really?!?! Wtf? Stupid broad! Then she finished- if you want to hang out more... I'd love to get to know you better.

I'm not spiteful, but part of me wants to go start an online dating profile just to get some interest/ flirtation going. I've never done online dating, but I'm not sure how else to meet people given the fact that I'm always working and not 25 hangin in da club.

Time to buck up. Still working on myself, but feeling lonely and my snooping didn't help. I know it's not a competition between me and h but I sure am feeling like the loser right now.

[pinn]

Buck up Feyth!! I end up with those same feelings and have thought about joining a site just to see what it is like. I am sure when the time is right, you will meet new guys fast! You will know when the time is right. Do you happen to belong to a gym? I only ask because I am sure you would catch some eyes there. You are not a loser... you are doing great! No more snooping

[Pax_luv]

Hi pinn! As always, I appreciate you reaching out. I do have a gym membership, but I never go.... I have gymtimidation!! Ha! I should definitely get back into it because I'm literally flushing the monthly fee down the toilet.

I had to laugh for a second, because as part of my gal activities I started taking Kung fu... But the martial arts studio has a lot of kids classes! don't think I'll meet anyone there! It was kind of funny because my trainer was out during my last lesson so they had this young girl train me privately and she kept telling me I was a nice lady! Lady??!!?! It was funny! Have a good one Pinn!

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, I also did the snooping at Xmas cards thing last year - didn't help me! I have to say that I think he looks like the loser just now. Jumped out of one R straight into dating - no time to process or reflect, or heal. I think in the much longer term the person who 'wins' is the one who tried to save the M, didn't date for a while, focused on learning, reflecting and healing before moving healthily into a new R after a period of time.

I've just joined the gym - could you maybe get them to work with you on a programme you would enjoy? I've told my trainer I just want half an hour of moderate exercise to also help me wind down at the end of the working day...

Take care - and it is much too soon to think about dating IMHO. It would be done purely in reaction to what you have seen, and so that you don't want to feel like a loser in comparison to him. Google entanglements and relationships if you want to read further about this.

Take care xx

[pinn]

Agree with Sotto. Trust me I have struggled with the same thoughts. I was like I am ready to date, ready to see what is out there. But I am not... it is too soon. I had a bit of a panic attack a few months ago because I felt like I was getting old and really want a family. In the end though, everything will be OK... I know it! It'll come.

The gym helps me tremendously. Both confidence wise and socially. There is an interesting social dynamic that develops there between the regulars. Don't be scared of it! Hang in there