Claire, I'm not going to solve his problems for him. The last time my girl lost her phone he made the same complaint and I made those suggestions to him and he chose not to do them. He's a grown up. He can act like one.
And kml, I love your story about the men you dated -- that's lovely! I'm very curious to see how my story turns out.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yes I agree you don't need to solve his problems. I just mean for the purpose of the response to his argument, simply reminding him that there are other ways to contact her and she will have the phone back on xx date.
But... to play devils advocate I wonder if you might think about working towards co-parenting more. Maybe set aside some time to discuss what consequences would be that you both can live with, and under what circumstances they would be given.
This is easy for me to say, though I am not at all following this advice, and actually dreading a time when I have to deal with my daughter as a teen.
Of course, on the other hand, you could say, I'm sorry you feel that way. Those other suggestions don't really work for me but thanks for offering them. She will have her phone back on xx and please let me know if there is an emergency.
And don't give it/his complaint another thought. ..
I had a long talk yesterday with a friend IRL about the parenting situation. She said I needed to have a come-to-Jesus with him about stepping up and parenting more actively, or ask him to take a parenting class. I feel like I'm not capable of having the conversation with him and I'm certain he would blow off the parenting class just as he blew off therapy, and for the same reasons. She also feels like he got off too easily when he walked out on his family.
I'm starting to get a stomachache from thinking about this.
Yesterday afternoon D12 and S9 were screaming at each other because each thought it was their turn to have the one-one date with Mr. Fantastic. A text to Mr. Fantastic moved the argument in S9's favor but D12 dug in her heels and at the end S9 offered to share his evening with her. When I got home I updated Mr. F he said he would apologize to D12 for the mixup.
I lost patience. I told him the apology should be to S9, who gets the least amount of his time and misses him the most. I told him he needed to quit winging it on these one-on-ones and calendar whose turn was whose because I was sick of taking the blowback for his bad choices. Then I shut up because I would have said more and it would not have been constructive.
To his (minor) credit, he did fix the calendar.
He took D12 house hunting with him last week and she informed me that he's considering buying a house that costs the same as the one I had to move out of, but which comes with space for two tenants. One of the two spaces has been occupied by the same tenant for 30 years. All the houses he looked at cost more than the one I'm in and the tenant one is the front runner. Do I need to be concerned about this? Has anyone dealt with that before?
I'm feeling grumpy and heavy today. I think what my friend said yesterday about him walking out with basically no consequences struck a nerve and I'm having a delayed reaction.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I feel like I'm not capable of having the conversation with him and I'm certain he would blow off the parenting class just as he blew off therapy, and for the same reasons.
I agree with your friend and Claire. Go back to MWD's first step - begin with the end in mind. Communicate clearly. Leave commentary out of the conversation. State facts and ask for help. Be specific, and not emotional. Know what you want and be prepared to negotiate. I don't mean the big stuff, I mean the small stuff.
You can do this.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I think what my friend said yesterday about him walking out with basically no consequences struck a nerve and I'm having a delayed reaction.
I have thought about this too because my WW stepped into the charmed life without any impediment on my part and tremendous logistical support from her new colleagues (and OM) and financial support from her parents. I cleared the way, did not share my pain nor anger, etc. So I feel too like she got off very easily and sometimes I wonder how in the world you can cause so much pain and profit from it. I didn't know it was even possible.
I came to the conclusion that it should not matter to me. That I shouldn't think about whether she's happy or not, but simply whether I'm happy and doing well. All energy directed at making her miserable for her hurtful choices is wasted and likely to be a large expense on my part. Just the other day, I honked at a car in a non-emergency situation. I never do this and I was reminded why: instead of forgetting about the incident in a matter of seconds, as usual, I was still stressed and spinning about it 15 minutes later. So, trying to cause harm to others, even when they would deserve it, causes us harm too. You and I don't need it right now. But I completely share your sense of injustice.
As for Mr. Fantastic's housing situation, I'm not sure I understand your question. Why does it matter to you? You seem to compare an awful lot. And it's entirely outside of your control, so likely to cause you pain without gain.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
MB, Just to add that there *are* some consequences. Your kids will figure him out. He is missing out--big time.
My stbx travels around like we did 10 years ago. I saw some pics of him and his Gf (don't ask. ..). She resembles me a bit (though nearly 10 yes younger!), and the pics really reminded me of when we were in our early 30s-- had enough $$ to travel a bit, but no kids to worry about. Lots of fun weddings and parties to go to,could easily get away for a fun weekend.
Ok, so that's his life. It would be nice to travel a bit more. But would I be willing to give up 80% of my time with my D? He!! No. Not even a chance. He's definitely losing more than me, even though he has more money, more friends, richer friends, more supportive family. It's still no contest.
Don't keep score, and just help your kids work through their emotions. You can't always save them from bad things happening, and it's so terrible that he is not there for them more. But you can help them deal with their emotions. You can only control you.
Hang in there my beautiful friend. You are an amazing mom and woman. (((MB)))
WRT his living situation, I just have some reservations about him taking on tenants in the home he'll share with my kids. But I suppose I can't do anything about it, and the fact he's sharing them with his girlfriend 25-50% of the small amount time he has them should concern me just as much and I've gotten my head around that, so...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Just checking in. How are you doing? What's your concern about the tenants (I can assume what they may be, but want to push you to name them.) There is a certain level of trust that we have to have wrt how they parent our kids, right? What *would* make you feel more comfortable? A background check? Getting to meet them? This is an honest question, because I wonder if a way to resolve it is to name your concerns AND a solution that could feel reasonable to him?
(This is a good thinking exercise for me, too. I just got off the phone with stbx for our first official "scheduling phone call". Ugh. The thought of having to have those conversations with him for 15 more years is not pleasant. And that was just a logistical conversation! Not even about anything of substance regarding raising our kid!! So, I'm trying to use your situation as a way to think through my own-- sometimes it's easier to think about someone else's life in a more objective way, you know?)
One of the tenants has been in the house for 30 years or so. I'm not so worried about that. The other one unit is technically part of the house and the house would need to be modified to accommodate that person. Mr. Fantastic is a) utterly inexperienced at that sort of work, since I'm the one who always took care of it and b) totally lazy about that sort of thing unless there is a compellingly self-serving reason for him to do the work.
But this is totally irrelevant to me and not really on my radar lately. It upset me at the time because D12 insisted on showing me the houses on the internet.
I don't do anything by live voice with Mr. Fantastic. I operate SOLELY through email & text. This helps me maintain distance from him, and even then if the contact continues for too long I find myself losing my cool. I also don't attempt to co-parent -- we are "parallel parenting." I could make agreements with him all day long about how to parent the kids but at the end of the day I can't control his actions, and his actions have already shown me that he's fine with agreeing with me on some point and then behaving entirely differently when he's in the moment. It would just be an opportunity to raise resentment.
Thinking about Betsey's comment about asking for what I want, and thinking about a parenting class... I'm unkind. I carried him for so long and I'm still carrying a huge chunk of his responsibility... I don't want him to succeed. That's wrong of me, I know. But I am human and I don't want any good to come to him from how he treated me. I need to process that thought and try to be better.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Mr. Fantastic has told D12 (not me) that now that he's getting ready to move into a house rather than his 2BR apartment that he'd like to have her keyboard, which has been in my basement waiting for her to return to piano lessons. He also asked me for an iPad that had been used by S7 but has been replaced by a newer one for the little guy. I actually have a use for the old iPad, but mostly I'm tired of him not seeing that we are DIVORCED and his days of shopping for free stuff at my house are OVER.
I actually am open to giving him the keyboard because it doesn't look like D12 is going back to lessons (she stopped for a while because we left California, but I've never been able to get her to go back), but I don't want to give it to him because I feel like that opens the door to him just asking for stuff (like the iPad).
Complicating this is the fact that he scheduled a plane trip back from a business trip in such a way that he will be at least an hour late picking the kids up for his weekend and it is messing up my Friday evening plans. He had given me notice that this would be the case (told, not asked...) and I'd like to make it clear that I will not tolerate this every time he has a trip -- he has four coming up and it's not fair that they should interfere with my free time.
Finally.... things with New Guy have intensified and I'd like to be able to spend more time with him. My kid schedule makes that very difficult, and I feel guilty about the conflict between being a good, present mom for them and wanting to spend time with someone who has demonstrated that he cares for me and that he wants to spend time with me. Seeing how Mr. Fantastic's dating life impacts the kids' emotions has made me super aware of their needs and I do NOT want to cause them any more pain or anxiety because of my relationship... but on the other hand, he spends FOUR days a month with them and I spend 26 days a month with them, and so how do I balance between my needs and theirs?
Any advice on these two (three?) issues would be very greatly appreciated.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
