Looks like I'm here

[beckyb]

Well my L still has not gotten around to making the edits to my settlement proposal. I talked to him this morning. He's supposed to send it to me today. However, I'm having a hard time dealing with the holidays and have decided to delay sending it until after Christmas.

There is a court-scheduled attorney conference on Jan. 11. It will be sent in time for H and his L to see it and respond on that date. In the mean time H hasn't asked about it again and has not talked to his L at all. It's very easy to get divorced in my state. H could have had it done and over with by now. So confusing.

I also discovered that OW apparently is not living in our state with H. Saw a picture of her and her H on his FB at a Christmas party. I should have know she wasn't around b/c H has been friendly and helpful.

[beckyb]

Also went to my first Divorce Care group tonight. I think it's going to be good.

[beckyb]

Nothing like waiting until the last minute. We have an attorney conference in 2weeks and h has done nothing. Yesterday my L sent a proposal to his L, and of course his L is out til next week.

In the meantime I'm out of town and basement is flooding. I decided not to come home since house still belongs to both of us. I arranged for a clean up crew and trying to handle this calmly. H is trying to blame the young house sitter for not calling sooner. Things were already wet when she discovered the water! Geez, he always has to blame.

[job]

Becky,
I'm sorry you are having to deal w/divorce issues as well as flooding. Both are a PIA to deal with.

I'm not surprised your h hasn't done anything. Some of them won't do the work and expect others to do it or they realize it's too much work and hope it can slide.

The blame game is very famous w/them. I'm just glad your house sitter discovered the issue before it got even worse. Hopefully not a lot of your belongings are damaged.

Breathe! You've got this and the clean up crew will take care of the flooding for you.

[beckyb]

So ready to get this divorce over with. H is so passive-aggressive and sef-centered. This morning at 9:15 I texted to remind him about taxes that need paid. He said Whatever. I replied with Wow, and let me know if I need to take care of it. He replied, Stop texting, we are still sleeping. We. So not necessary.

I know I have a lot of work to on myself too, but feel.

[beckyb]

I'm so nervous. H will get my settlement proposal early next week. We talked about most of it but that was this summer. And I know he won't like my proposed split of the house proceeds.

Turns out this is probably a terrible time for this to happen. H is cranky and overwhelmed by having to move his stuff in the middle of a rain and minor basement flood.

I still can't believe I'm taking these steps. Things are moving so quickly. I have so much to do but no motivation. I will soon have to move and I don't know what do to. Buy, rent, where? Not a decision I ever planned to make on my own again.

[Underdog]

Becky,

We're the same age... for good or bad.

You need to find your inner lioness and roar. Start protecting yourself and see yourself through your own lens and stop being afraid of the opinion of an a*hole. Don't ever feel bad for taking the protective measures you need to take to live the rest of your life with something that works for you.

Your H will not want you to get anything. Anything more than nothing is probably going to piss him off. Who cares? He's out of the marriage, he got what he wanted so why give him another moment's free rent in your head? Sure, I absolutely know you didn't want this. But it's your reality for 2016, and you have to deal with what's on your plate now.

It doesn't mean down the road you won't have a second chance. But stand firm and negotiate what is FAIR TO YOU. Who gives a rats a$$ if he's cranky or not getting his way. If he were a toddler, would you feel bad for him? My guess is not. So pull yourself together and make a plan. Don't apologize for that.

The taxes should be clearly spelled out in your settlement agreement. Remember this is the business aspect of your marriage. It's not a state on your feelings or what was. Just protect your future. You don't have decades to recoup income so go get what you and your L feel is fair.

Can you get a friend to help you execute a plan? Don't wait for the flood to bury you before you make a plan. I don't know where you live, but if you have the option to rent until you can get a plan that truly IS what you want, is that possible? Here in Denver, we have a horrible renting situation, so hopefully it's not the case where you are. Go get settled and start creating a blueprint for your life from this day forward. It's the new year, and an ideal time to start carving out some personal goals for yourself, with the assumption that the only person you need to please is yourself.

Make a commitment to YOU.

My toast to you for a fresh start.

Betsey

[beckyb]

Thank you Betsey! That is exactly what I needed to hear. H has stopped communicating so I'm guessing he got my settlement proposal. I offered to discuss with him but he has not responded. Oh well.

On Monday there is a conference with the attorneys and the judge. He'll have to have some kind of response by then.

My proposal is fair and reflects mostly what he and I talked about this summer. I think he is feeling less guilty now so that is not good for me. I make significantly more money than H and he has been way over spending so I'm pretty sure he's feeling desperate.

When this all started my attorney got the case moved to a female judge who had a bad divorce and doesn't like adulterers. Plus my H hired a L from another county, which was stupid. I don't want to go to court but if it ends up there I thing I'm in a good place.

I'm mad as heck that he started this whole thing and I'm the one having to finish it.

Renting here is not great either. I can't see myself living in an apartment and the rent for a decent house is as much as a mortgage. I do have the option to move in with my mom (ugh) until I find the right situation. I'll have to wait and see what happens with the sale of our house. I'm going to get approved for a loan and start looking just in case. My goal is to put the house on the market 2/15.

Personal goals including defining what I want my future to look like, working with my IC on some of my issues, losing 2 pounds and exercising regularly, learning to play piano and learning to shoot a gun.

[Underdog]

Becky,

Since you have that L, let her do all the negotiating with your H's attorney. She's your agent. By virtue of the issues, every D winds up in court. I had a mediated D (no attorneys) and we still had a court date. It wasn't fun, but it was a necessary conclusion so that I could go forward.

You're going to have to train yourself to see your situation differently. It will take time, but like exercise, it gets easier to absorb. I know you're mad that you have to finish it. But look at it this way, you're doing what any healthy person does to protect their self interests. I think it would speak volumes if you were to tell yourself that you deserved this and to let him call all the shots.

Good luck with the living situation. I think our generation is so programmed to feel that renting is throwing away good money. I did a pro/con list several years ago and found out that repairs/insurance/upkeep negated much of the benefits of owning. The only way that wasn't true was if I was living mortgage free. There's something to be said about letting someone else take care of the handyman stuff. Plugged sink? Call management. Leaky faucet? Call management. I think it's a great way to negotiate life for a spell. BTW, I'm moving this week myself. Not very fun. But I'm embracing the necessary change in 2016. I want a much more carefree lifestyle - no more home maintenance, roof replacement, painting, landscaping issues or shoveling snow. I'm done with that part of my life!

Great goal list! One of mine this year is to take some wood working classes. I want to learn how to do the stuff I would have learned how to do if my mom let me take shop in high school like I wanted. LOL. I did learn how to sew in home ec, though, and I can't be mad at her for that. It's come in handy more than a few times.

Make 2016 the year of Becky. Any actions, thoughts, desires must be supportive of Becky's wish list. It helps make things a little more clear. When in doubt, ask yourself, "Will this bring me closer to my goal?" If not, you have your answer.

Good luck!
Betsey

[Maybell]

Becky, for what it's worth... Whenever I had to deal with the legal stuff, I made sure I had some really amazing underwear on. REALLY amazing -- like the kind that I'd wear for a really hot date. I knew what Mr. Fantastic was missing out on and I felt empowered and ready to move forward.

Good luck. It's not fun and it's not fair but It can make your life a lot better.