More and more, and less and less...

[Rain75]

Thanks so much. I am guilty of not posting daily. Either I am crying too much of I've flubbed it again. Or I've learned something new that kills yet one more loving memory I still had. All courtesy of the OW.

I am praying that 2016 will be a better year. That I can finally detach and do what I need for myself and our kids.

Life sure aint no fairytale.

Wishing you a fantastic new year my friend.

Rain

[focus22]

Thank you for your opening post in this thread. Helped more than I can say. Still struggling so much though.

[Gmum]

Thank you so very very much for taking the time to write down your experiences. It was very helpful and comforting to read. It should be part of the email Cadet sends everyone when they first join.

[mahhhty]

Z - thank you for that. That was a terrific post. Happy New Years!

[Ancaire]

Zues - As always, you hit the mark! I've read some of your earlier threads (because you told me to...lol.) I can absolutely see how far you've come. The fact that you stay here, and willingly help out others is amazing. I plan to follow your example.

For one thing, I'm not far enough in to just give up and quit. I'm at the stage of your advice, that I've accepted what's happening, realize I can't change a thing, but I've quit fighting it. I DO realize that I have time, precious time, to work on things about myself that I've needed to address for years. It is a gift, actually. If H were here, there would be no way I could selfishly just devote time and thought to me, only. This time has already proven to be extremely beneficial.

I haven't given up all hope, even though H is rushing the D. I've realized we can always get back together one day - but that time is not now. I still have a lot of growing to do. I need to be whole, happy, and healthy first - because if H ever does come back, he's going to be carrying a load of regret and sadness, and I'm going to have to be so much stronger than I am now to help him through.

I used to think unfaithfulness was a deal-breaker. Realizing how screwed up H's head is right now, goes a long way towards making me have compassion. He's convinced his past adultery is something I will never be able to forgive. I've still got too much anger about everything combined to be able to convince him otherwise. There are clear signs he still has feelings for me, but he just can't/won't let himself do anything about it. I'm convinced in his case it is classic MLC. He's acting so driven, like he'll drown if something doesn't change. All he talks about is being "happy". He has yet to learn happiness doesn't come from outside sources.

You've done a lot to help me learn not to judge. I don't know for certain what is going on his head, but I can certainly see the confusion. I wanted to hate him. I just can't do it. My course of action is to just let him go for now, and work on myself, since there's so much work to be done. I made plenty of mistakes in life, in the marriage - I am in no position to judge. I feel sorry for him more than anything. I sense his utter confusion, but he will not let me help him.

As I said earlier, I'm choosing to view this time apart as a gift to do the work I need to do on myself. I need to be strong for myself, for my kids, and eventually for H. For some reason, I feel certain he will reach out one day. I need to be in a good place for that.

If time proves me wrong, I will not consider any of this a waste. I'm still growing, learning, evolving. I am determined to become the best person I can possibly be. I've wasted so much of my life just existing. I'm learning my purpose, and I'm going to LIVE it...not just live through it.

Thanks for being there for all of us. You are such a treasure! Your children are so very, very lucky to have you as a dad.

Happy New Year!

[Zues126]

My goodness. Words fail me. You are too kind to me.

So my daughter was talking to me about OM today. Sounds like when the social workers told XW that it wasn't good to have unknown men spending the night when the kids were at her house, she took that to mean it made sense to introduce OM to the children (keep in mind this is OM 3, 4, 5, or 12).

The other man thing doesn't bother me anymore, but I do understand the envy people refer to in regards to not allowing yourself a rebound. It sure would feel good for so many reasons. I know better. But I'd like to feel better about it. I will confess that this stuck on my mind today.

I sooooo want you all to read the one year rule. Since I can't post a link please search google for "dailystrength dr joy 1 year rule" and it is the first hit, #2349601.

While there are many people that violently protest against this rule saying 'every sitch is different', etc...I truly believe what she writes makes perfect sense, and that people have horrible judgment when they are needy. Just stick to a year and do the hard work.

Reading this put my heart at ease and I'm much more content about typing this in solitude because of it. Hope it does the same for a few of you!

[Fogg]

I agree it's not unreasonable at all. I told myself early on when I accepted D could happen I would need to wait something like that after it was final. I know jumping into a new R would be unhealthy for me and I don't see how I would be ready. I question how someone could realistically move on from a M that might be 10+ years in just a couple months. It just feels like it's more looking for the pain to be gone than being fully ready, but to each their own.

I've been separated a year now, I have no knowledge of when W plans to file, if ever, and D is at least a 6 month process in my state. I think about the sitches that go on separated for several years and/or the WAS is content with just being separated. I've heard of one separation that lasted 9 or 10 years. I do now wonder, depending on how long this goes on for, if I would be ready before the D is final.

It makes me wonder what someone keeping to this rule, who doesn't believe in D and refuses to file, would do if their S was content with being separated forever.

[Sotto]

The way I see it is, the one year past D timescale is pretty sensible. And I think if you have kids it pays to err on the cautious side with timescales - JMHO of course.

For me, BD1 was March 2014, when I discovered my H was having an EA (which became or already was a PA.) It looks as though our D may be finalised this coming spring, which means no dating for me until Spring next year. It feels about right not to date this year - but who knows, as the year goes on I may start to feel differently.

The way I see it, it's a 'no lose' situation anyway. If you want to stand for your M until it is a 'healthy' time post D to start dating again. For me, if I do this, I will have stood for my M for 3 years after BD1 and I think I will feel able to move on knowing I gave a good amount of time and effort - even when it wasn't pleasant to do, and even when I didn't really feel like it and wasn't sure if I wanted the M in any case.

I think all of that is far better in the longer term than getting involved with a new person too soon. We are far more likely to regret getting involved with someone too soon. I've never seen anyone post that they waited too long before starting to date! In my divorce recovery workshop, many people were a few years post divorce. And there was a pattern. Many became involved with a new person quickly. That R failed for whatever reason after a couple of years, and they then had to go back and deal with both the loss of the M and the subsequent R..

Anyway - just my thoughts on the subject - take care xx

[Jpeg]

Zues- I think I have mentioned before how impressed I am with the wisdom and insight you share especially considering your young age. When I read your timeline and the responses of others to it, I realize how "stuck" I am. I have been with H since I was 18 there has never been anyone else and I cannot fathom the thought of there ever being anyone else. Here I am 15 months in and I feel like the 90 days mark.
Is it easier for men to move forward? I read about so much personal growth here on these boards. I don't know that I have grown at all

[Rain75]

Hiya Zues....I just was over reading your posts to Kylie and JGuy. This is some hard stuff, especially when you are now dealing with a teenager. Thanks for your advice, to them and to me.

Rain