Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[mleigh4]

Hawho, I have to admit, if anyone can make a mean cup of cowboy coffee, it is H! I like to refer to him as McGyver. He has the will and always finds the way.

I can not stop my mind from thinking. I have been doing a lot of reflecting this past week. Some things with H are flashing back...

For instance, the discussion about replacing the stove. H was very excited about it, said he would do his required research first, as if he really cared about what was coming into the house. It brought up a recurring discussion we have always had about knocking down a wall to open up the kitchen, and he was coming up with different alternate ideas, again, like he cared.

He also reminded me to have a termite inspection done. Many signs of termites going on Said he would pay whatever was needed to make sure the infestation was taken care of. I told him I do not want this house pumped with chemicals, it totally freaks me out. Our pets, food, everything......he said just go on vacation! Lol, easy for him to say.

He also brought all of the presents S got from H family to me. I find it interesting that he continues to treat our house as home base. Why wouldn't he just keep it as his place? There were toys, gift cards, clothes and even a check. He brought it all in a bag and gave it to me?

Overall, I suppose these are good signs that he sees me staying here permanently, and that he still cares about this house. At BD, all he kept talking about was selling the house and it terrified me, so I welcome the change.

I still am feeling good, in good spirits, but my mind just keeps churning over my sitch. One thing that keeps coming over and over are the words, I want out. They keep popping up and I keep hearing them.....I have been thinking of many of the parts of D that scare me. Mainly the financial parts. I am on H medical benefits, my truck insurance is a bundle deal with all his vehicles, and of course my home. Financially there would be some big changes for me. However, H is only paying 1/2 of the mortgage he is on, I am not getting anything additional for child support. I suppose this would all come into play and hopefully work out for me. Mainly, I will fight to stay in this house until S finishes school. H will continue to have his 1/2 of equity until then, he just needs to wait either 10 years to get it, or until I meet someone who can buy him out...

As you can see, my mind has been spinning....going over lots of things....I don't want to live another year in limbo and be in this same place come Christmas. One really weird thing I have noticed...when my mind is heavy on H and sitch, I hear his text tone on my phone throughout the night. Of course he is not really texting me, but I hear it! Maybe it will stop if I change the tone...

The biggest thing that gets me? Being pushed to finish what H started. I know a few of you here took the steps to D, even though you fought to save and stand by your marriage....Did you just get to a point of enough? Do you regret that or did you know your spouse was not strong, mature, or stable enough to do it themselves?

All in all, I am only thinking and processing, no reacting. I have been able to stay upbeat and positive. Some positive things...

I finally upgraded my phone! I just love it and can't stop playing with all the new features. I am trying to talk S into taking my old IPhone so I can talk to him and reach him when he is away. Can you believe he doesn't want it!!?? Ah, the bliss of dealing directly with S instead of having to rely on H or Grammy! I will keep working on it.

Also coming up is our annual Legoland trip during Presidents week. I had asked S if he wanted this, he said yes, so I got a good deal on cyber Monday and booked. A week later, the kid says he doesn't want to go because he hates being away from dog and cat. Well, the booking was a nonrefundable promotion, so we are going. S is not thrilled but too bad. It will be our farewell to Legoland trip. I also was thinking of changing it up, instead of doing 2 days at Legoland, do 1 there and 1 something new, like the safari zoo nearby. We both love animals so much, I think we would enjoy it...

Cali? Any ideas what to do in your hood?

So anyway, trying to keep myself busy and turn my mind off. I could really use a break from it all. Today is our jammie day. HGTV and food network all day! Lol. We love the lazy days, but I do want to start planning some active things for S and I to do as well.

Back to school and work tomorrow. Hope you all are enjoying your weekend

[job]

It's important that you have the termite inspection before those little creatures create some major damage that will require repairs. Talk to several pest control companies before you opt to have it done. If you are already under a yearly contract, then talk to them. My home was treated when it was built 30 years ago and I just recently had it done again and I didn't have any problems w/my food or w/my two cats. It is safer than it was years ago. Now, if they say you need your house tented to do it, then yes, you, your son and pets will need to relocate for a day or so. Don't delay this one job...it has to be done before any additional damage is done and if you ever do sell, it's important that you can show you've had this done periodically, preferably on an annual basis.

I guess your h still considers your house the home base and where your son primarily lives. He doesn't want all of your son's gifts at his house because he knows that son will most likely want them at your house. I can see his point on this move.

The holidays have brought a lot of things back to the forefront for you. You and your son have been living separate lives from your h and you don't want to see this happen for another year. Maybe the man upstairs is trying to send you a reminder that your h is still very much a part of your life and not to make any decisions about what may or may not happen in the next 12 months.

To answer your questions about the MLCers starting the D and not finishing it. My xh started the D and dragged it out for 2 1/2 years. He didn't provide the interrogatory responses as requested by his own lawyer, he didn't do any of the grunt work on the divorce at all. The only things that he ever complained about was his missing mail and a plastic Easter Egg. We could still be sitting here not divorced because he found every excuse to have the lawyers working and responding back and forth to each other until one day I said enough. I advised me lawyer to just sit on it and do not respond to any additional petty BS that he pulled out of his sleeve. Sure enough, when he saw that I wasn't playing the game any longer, he finally "manned up" and filed. Do I regret doing what I did? Absolutely not. I've never regretted any of the moves I made to take care of the assets and ensure that I was financially set and would not be destroyed by his bad judgment. As far as I know, he is still stuck and hasn't matured one iota.

You will know when you've had enough.

Enjoy your day! It's back to the routine tomorrow!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - as I have said before, I think one of the things that makes things so hard in your sitch is that your h is a fairly nice MLCer. He clearly wants to take care of things at your home and he is at times thoughtful towards people.

It is probably best not to make a decision for the sake of making a decision. I too have moments of wanting resolution--ANY resolution to this all. That is anxiety about the future.

Go see the movie Joy. Man, does that main character get knocked in the teeth--a lot. There is one scene; you can see she's had it. She cuts her hair and she walks out with aviator sunglasses and a leather jacket. Her body language, her demeanor, everything says: ENOUGH!

When we feel like that we'll have our answer. See the movie and you'll see that's what we're waiting on.

[LouR]

Hi mleigh

I really understand and resonate with all that you have said.

I liken my h to a yo-yo, he dips in and out of my life, often getting his string tangled up into a mess and has to stop to untangle it. Its wearing on the mind, body and soul, so I really do understand that you are tired of it. So - look back and see how much has changed in the past year, life never stops, it keeps moving forwards and so will you and your sitch, the trick is to let it naturally finds its way. If you are questioning whether you have had enough - then that tells me you haven't; when the time comes you will just know.

We are taught to detach so that this does not affect us, yet somehow its easier said than done. We know that we no longer "need" our h, we can function and live life perfectly fine without them, yet they continue to have that unexplainable hold over us, so that anytime they show a glimmer of interest we get sucked back in. Its why we are here, its how you know that you are not ready to give up on you h just yet.

The holidays bring to the forefront what you have lost, you are surrounded by happy families and couples, so with all this going on around you its understandable that you are feeling low. As everyone goes back to work and school, I hope your mood will lighten and you will find your internal calm place again. So much can happen, so much will happen, try see this time as just another one of the pesky speed bumps.

Be optimistic my friend that this year will be better than the last one. Hugs to you xx

[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, I understand your frustration. I think that at some point I need to finish what H started, hence file for D. I’m not looking forward to it, and I don’t think I’m quite ready. You’ve got some great advice from Job, HaWho and Lou. Like HaWho mentioned, your H is a nice MLCer, just like my. It makes it harder to make a decision. But, I’m sure there will be a point when enough is enough. You might not be there yet.

As for the ideas what to do in Cali’s hood (so in my, LOL), have you checked the Balboa park museums? I’m sure you find a couple that your son would be interested in checking out. Plus, it is a very nice park, where you can just walk in a Japanese garden, or visit the Botanical garden, or any other gardens. There are also a few playgrounds and miniature railroad. I think your idea of visiting an Animal Park is also great.

Hang in there, mleigh4. (((((hugs)))))

[kml]

Definitely go to the Wild Animal park and don't miss the Lorakeet exhibit, where you can hold cups of nectar and the birds will land on you.

[mleigh4]

Thank you guys. I am not ready to make any decision, just sharing the experience. Many times, at this point, I just don't see it being worth it. Truth is, it seems H never really GOT me. I always felt a bit restrained just being me, and honestly, I suspect he feels the same. MLC has definitely brought out the teenager in him, but he has always shown that trait. Just a bit immature and careless at times...it has always frustrated me...

An example just popped in my head....Christmas day, H pulled out his pocket knife to open some presents. I found it later, fully opened, laying on the living room floor amidst wrapping paper. I, S, dog could have stepped on it....he is just so careless.

Truth is, a strong woman needs a strong man. A man who knows who he is, what he wants, who has values, who lives for family...that is not my H.

Again NOT making a decision right now, just processing. Even if he came through the other side a better person, I am not so sure he would be worth the fight.

As H is processing, thinking, changing....so am I. All I know for sure is that either way I am coming out of this a stronger, confidant, overall nicer person. I am liking the changes, I see the response to me daily as a positive experience, but still see things to work on. I have a pretty nice life going for me right now....I just have this loose tie to deal with. Unfortunately, this is what H is becoming....

I want my son to see his mother in a loving, caring affectionate relationship. H and I both did not have this. I still have time. I don't want him to think this is what marriage is.

Again, no reacting or decisions.....just processing

[mleigh4]

Thank you for the Socal ideas! KML, I saw the lorakeet feeding on the website. It all looks really fun! Bright, I will also look into Balboa park.

[LouR]

Nice post mleigh - process away my friend :o)

[123Gwen]

Yes. Great post and helpful to read another's thoughts while processing. I am sending you all the best for 2016. Sounds like you have a lot to look forward to.