Wife checked out

[NateG79]

Hang in there friend.

[sandi2]

It must be exhausting in the head of the WW.

I don't remember feeling exhaustion in my head. It would seem a WW should, but her waywardness (especially rebellion) works as fuel to keep her running.

My mom is still spitting venom about W. After she saw her at the bar with OM she has been rather hostile toward my sitch.

Here's the thing, your mom is feeling the emotions of a parent who has seen her child get mistreated/hurt. Just b/c you are a man, it doesn't stop that mother's love for you. Try to remember something, also, your mother is not "in love" with your W. Sometimes the LBH can forgive and accept back into his heart the WW, whereas his mother has a tougher time forgiving and accepting.....b/c she's not in love with the person who hurt you.

When she came back I told her I love our family and I love her.

You may think I'm nitpicking, but I'm not. What was your reason for telling your wayward wife that you love her? Exactly how did you expect her to respond? I try to tell the LBH how saying ILY puts pressure on the WW/WAW. A lot of pressure! Every time you tell her ILY, she will get farther away and be colder to you, b/c she feels she has to prove to you that it's over and to stop hoping things will get better.

We both retreated to the bedroom and cried for awhile and she said she has been trying to reconnect with me during this time but just didn't have the same feelings anymore. She feels like it is over. On Christmas Day no less. I told her that I would not stand in the way of her happiness and that I was willing to try and work on us. She completely withdrew after that so I went off to visit with some other family and friends.

Well, yes, on Christmas Day no less, b/c you chose to tell her you love her! She had to stop you from having ideas.......which you were already doing, just by watching her interactions with the kids, etc.

When I got there and saw everyone and W and the kids I just welled up and broke down again.

Did you break down in front of them?

I hate myself for not being able to keep it together for the kids.

So, what can you do about it? Just hating yourself won't prevent it happening again.

[2ltl2lt]

Thank Nate, Rourky, and Sandi,

I didn't break down in front of anyone but W, she is being exactly the way Sandi describes the WW, I just keep having such a hard time believing it. I should know better by now. This past interaction has definitely opened my eyes to the new reality that I face. I ended up going back to the IL's after my earlier transgression to be there for the kids. Her mom is not happy about W and her BS and has no problem telling me so. My new goals include total NC and 180 toward W, I have been soft and naive thinking she was coming around. No mas this is the end of the innocence.

Other than that we had a splendid Christmas!

[sandi2]

If you had a crystal ball that showed you in.....say, three years from now your W would be through this and ready to reconcile, how would you deal with it now?

[2ltl2lt]

That is an interesting question. I suppose that if I knew that she would come through this and want to R I would react differently. I continue to get upset and corner her into a R talk when I have seen time and time again that it doesn't do anything but send her the other way. It's just so hard for me to get through my thick skull. I mean for petes sake I thought I knew everything about this woman. She has been right next to me for our entire adult lives and some of our childhood. At this point in time I am starting to get the feeling of dropping the rope. I think that somewhere deep down inside her this is what she wants from me is to let her go. I hate it for the kids and I hate it for myself but my love for her is plenty strong enough to get us through this, no matter the outcome.

I resolve to stick to the advice and DB principles from here on out, I tried my way and it is not the way. She knows how I feel and is quite frankly tired of hearing about it. Her problems are her problems, not mine or anyone else's. She will be getting a new level of time and space as far as I am concerned. That is what she wants and that is what I will give her.

[sandi2]

I suppose that if I knew that she would come through this and want to R I would react differently.

Would you say that is acting "as if"?

Could you let her go, if you knew she would come back once she got through this journey she's on?

As time goes by, I find it fascinating at how so many LBH'S think alike. You are not alone by thinking you could handle it a lot better if you just knew the outcome.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw it out there. I don't know that it's all that healthy to act as if she'll eventually come back. That is up to you. If it helps you cope, that's the important thing. If it helps you to get your undivided attention off her and the MR for a while, then it might help in other ways, too.

[trumpet]

I resolve to stick to the advice and DB principles from here on out, I tried my way and it is not the way. She knows how I feel and is quite frankly tired of hearing about it. Her problems are her problems, not mine or anyone else's. She will be getting a new level of time and space as far as I am concerned. That is what she wants and that is what I will give her.

2ltl2lt,

Amazing - same thing here. I'm too inpatient, W is tired of talking about it, wants 'space', but no work on R. Still loves the OM in her head, and we've had good days, good outings with the kids, but when I want things to move forward, or put any pressure on the M to move forward, she resists. My struggle is being a husband and father, and constantly being around my W, but showing JUST enough care, concern, and respect that shows I'm present, but being able to pull back and do things for me.

[sandi2]

Do you feel as though you are doing all the giving without any returns? That is a mark of true giving, but in a relationship it can start to wear thin when you begin wondering what's in it for you.

The same would apply to a friendship. If you are a friend to a person, but they are not a friend to you, it feels.....and is.....one sided.

I would think it's like a partnership, where one guys does all the work and his partner goes fishing.

[2ltl2lt]

I do feel like I am doing all of the giving right now but it hasn't always been that way. She has gone into such deep selfishness that she is incapable of giving right now. She wants to throw caution to the wind and experience the other side of life for a while. She has told me that she has always felt pressure to be the good girl and do the right thing all the time and wants to be free and find herself. Script I know.

I truly want her to be happy and live her own life I just hope to be a part of it. She says she knows that none of this makes any sense and that she doesn't know why she is doing it but feels so compelled at the same time. She has also said that she feels like she missed out on some part of life because we were married young and she never had the chance to date and party with friends. IDK if I should even take any of this into consideration. Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does right.

[WhyUs]

2ltl2lt,

My WW said the same thing almost word for word. She was actually very nice in the beginning. She wanted there to be a divorce and us be best friends after. She wanted unlimited access to the children for both of us. She said she would not let either of us fall into financial ruin. She would work extra if she had to. She also was having an EA at the time.

After I found out about the EA she turned into a demon and has been the meanest person I have ever met. Essentially I stopped giving into her every demand. I stood up for myself and she became very aggressive and has been that way for the past six months. I will say that I also violated almost all the DB principles in the beginning. I begged, pleaded, cried, bla bla bla...

Now she is keeping me away from my kids. She is wanting alimony. The affair turned PA. The list goes on.

I do not want to scare you, but be careful buddy.