I would ask you to be cautious if you decide to start dating. Stop gap dating is dangerous as emotions are raw. I believe one should only date in our situation when we are prepared to go the distance with a new partner. If that is the case then you transfer DB from your XW to your new partner. Otherwise why date if you have no intention on D. Just be sure if you drop the rope that should w reach out you not react on instinct and go running back but evaluate what you want and not her.
Oh and btw in that situation you become a sort of WABF. See how complicated it is?
Just make sure it is worth it.
As for how to react with her texts, I am maybe a little radical. If my W has left 5 months ago, has a possible OM and reaches out to me with txt messages I am pro short replies. I mean really short.
I find it hard to differentiate between a w interested in what is happening with her H because she cares, to one just trying to make things smooth for her own concscious to one keeping her H on a string as a plan B. There are other actions and events as well as your own gut feeling when interacting that could determine this but in all honesty if in 5 months you only get txt with little to no calls then my guess is you are not on her shopping list.
I do not know your full situation but sometimes our happiness and W are going in opposite directions and we have to let go of one.
Thanks Max! Of course you may share some thoughts.
I agree on the dating thing. What you mention is the test if I am ready or not. I feel like it will be hard to date while still 'married' which is one reason I am thinking about pushing for D. It would be easier for me with everything final.
Originally Posted By: Maximus
There are other actions and events as well as your own gut feeling when interacting that could determine this but in all honesty if in 5 months you only get txt with little to no calls then my guess is you are not on her shopping list. Max
I don't know how far back you read but this is exactly what I have been saying and the reason why I have been debating pushing for D. I have not gotten a single call (I haven't called her either). Until this week, she texted me first 3 times in 5 months and 2 of those I can't even count. But she has never mentioned D. So it has been very frustrating for me. Looking back though, I have done some things to show I was not interested in talking. I blocked her on all social media sites, ignored her bday and have done a pretty good job in not contacting her. One of her recent texts said "... i feel like you have me blocked...", that's not true... she can contact me when ever she wants. Maybe it is better this way. She has definitely been able to experience life without me.
W is a very kind person in general. One of the things I love about her. WW has an incredible ability to go cold and it is not just with me... I have experienced it in the past, seen it with her past boy friends and even with her friends.
There are other actions and events as well as your own gut feeling when interacting that could determine this but in all honesty if in 5 months you only get txt with little to no calls then my guess is you are not on her shopping list. Max
I don't know how far back you read but this is exactly what I have been saying and the reason why I have been debating pushing for D.
Of course you aren't on her "shopping list" right now. But that doesn't mean you always won't be. If your goal is to be married to your wife, then I don't see how filing for D helps you achieve your goal.
In my opinion, continue forward until your goals change.
What if my goal is to have a fulfilling, loving, successful and happy marriage? This is my actual goal. I would prefer to have that with my wife but it does not have to be.
I think you are still too attached. Haven't dropped the rope, you will know when you do.
It will mean you are no longer influenced by WW, her actions no longer cause you emotional reactions. You will observe, good if x or if y. Positive or negative.
Letting go does not mean ceasing to stand or not wanting a new R with your WW. It means you are detached whatever the outcome.
Dating for effect on WW won't make you feel good, however dating and being up front with another is ok in my book. I will only do this if I am D otherwise I feel like I am looking for an A, even if a EA. Won't help my D outcome either. V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/26/1508:07 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I think you are still too attached. Haven't dropped the rope, you will know when you do.
V
Wish I could disagree with that, but I can't. One problem I am having is seeing myself being completely detached without being divorced. For me personally, it would be easier to completely detach if we were divorced. Some say it should not matter, but for me I think it would. I'll get there.
On the bright side, I crushed some PR's at the gym today :-).
For me personally, it would be easier to completely detach if we were divorced.
Interesting. I see several men with this mindset. Is that the same as getting divorced to make the pain stop, or to stop loving your W? What happens if you get a divorce and it doesn't force you into detaching?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Pinn, I have to agree with Sandi. Having recently signed the papers, it changes nothing inside me. Is it more real? Maybe. Will w get to see what its like without me? Thats still on me. I have to not be there for her now. Finality? Not really, because I want to restore my family and have my loving W back that I haven't seen in a couple of years.
So please don't think that those papers will make it stop hurting. That legal crap is just that. My vow was before God, family, and friends. Not lawyers.
Be well pinn. I had the same mindset a couple months ago. Wishing you the best
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Here is the thing... I have been through this before (more than once btw), we were bf/gf at the time but it was the same deal. There is really no difference. I was able to completely let go once I cut all contact. I knew when that happened, she knew when that happened. That is when she came back.
I wouldn't say I am hurting badly right now. I *think* I am doing pretty well emotionally. She is seeing what life is like without me right now. Being divorced makes no difference there, she is living it now (probably why she is not pushing for the D). So what would be different for me? Right now, I know for a fact, that no matter what the future brings we still have to interact. I am lucky in a way that with no children, once we get divorced then I don't have to interact anymore. Once D is final, there is no more contact... ever (I'm serious). She would be a risk to any future relationship at that point. I know myself and I would be able to do this because of the past experiences I've had with her.
Getting divorced in itself obviously does not make any pain stop nor does it make me stop loving my wife. In fact, I will always love her. The pain has subsided enough now as it is. I would feel exactly the same post divorce. That's not it.
It does give me a jumping off point. I can say, look, that part of life is over, there were many good times in there, the ending sucked (again) and it is just not meant to be with her. How many times does she have to show you that? Now let's go find someone to be happy with from here on out. Let's do it.
That simply is not happening until everything is final. It is not like a flip of a switch and I am 100% detached the minute that paper is signed. But it would be a catalyst for sure. For me it is finality. I am not going through it again. Hope that makes some sense.
