After studying trauma intensively, and the biology of it in particular, I now understand that my experience is PTSD.
It isn't the psychotic type of PTSD, but the numbing type.
I get the vivid frightening dreams and the nameless dread of anxiety. Sometimes so intense I can do very little thinking for days. Then it passes.
I hear WH and see his mouth ranting and shouting, I see his body intimidating. It isn't his voice though just some spectre and I hear only the nasty unpleasant words. At night I fear him coming in the house.
There was a tv show called twin peaks in which a creepy man called Bob climbed into Laura Palmer's bedroom. It's like that and sometimes I hear a car, a door or the wind and I am afraid of the creepy man. Someone one said I looked a little like Sheryl Lee and it's obviously on my mind. The resemblance is slight.
I can not remember WH face at all, and I destroyed all the photos of him so I am reducing the memory as much as l can.
I realise I just get through each day, one day at a time. That's all I do, nothing more than that.
Some random man paid me a compliment and I looked to see who he was talking about.
I look in the mirror and don't see myself, just a stranger looking back. I know the stranger, she is familiar but unfamiliar at the same time.
This phase is a phase referred to as restructured memory and is part of healing. It's the mind forgetting and also trying to remember.
The answer is to observe the body and thoughts, like flotsam floating down the river. It can't hurt me as long as I stay aware it's just my mind doing the necessary stuff.
I am learning about eye movement therapy, EMDR and that has some fascinating implications.
A double blind study was done on the effects of massage on well being in trauma. In some cases it's as effective as ADS and anti anxiety meds which dont help much with PTSD. Even CBT is contra indicated as is early debriefing, which appears to embed traumatic damage. Mainly after single event traumas.
The kind of numbing trauma of abuse is more like being in a battle zone day after day for a civilian. My PTSD is classified as mild although that's not how it seems to me when I am in the midst of a reaction.
I don't think of WH much at all any more although I have the constant dread and anxiety. Sometimes strongly and sometimes weakly. Good news is my thoughts aren't audio hallucinations (appearing to be sounds outside my head).
Triggers can set off weeks of cycling which settle eventually. And they are my own thoughts.
It's referred to as hyper vigilance or being in a constant state of alarm or alert posture. It is also unlikely I will be able to function in an involved R because of it, at least for a long time.
As this isn't FOO related it's much harder to resolve. FOO issues generally resolve by nurturing of the self.
I am beginning to cry again occasionally, also good as the numbness dissipates.
I want to reach a stage of being unafraid of WH, of what he will do, say or if he will emerge. I want him to move on quickly and quietly. I want him far away with his Maggotroni in a foreign land where I never have to see him. I want his R to succeed so the courts determine his need is less and his OW income is taken into account.
My wants though and I have no control over any of it. I only can only manage me.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/20/1502:38 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you for sharing such personal experiences of this part of journey V. I always feel grateful when you feel you can post about about this journey you have having with the PSTD, as it allows me to give you a just a little back. I have little to offer you but my empathy for I know how this PSTD is so scarily unsettling of a person like you who has a quiet, peaceful, loving heart and mind. I wish there was more to give you through this time, but I know that my offer a love and friendship and want of peace for you enough. I would love to wrap you up in the biggest of hugs.
(((((((V)))))))
PS: When I grow up I want to be just like you... rainbow tummmy love V
V, your insights are amazing. I've currently entered a "numb" phase...even my cheeks feel numb. I wonder what this is all about? I almost feel like I've just had so much to deal with that my body is protecting me from anymore trauma by numbing me, literally, to all that is going on.
Is this possible? If so, how long does such a state continue? I don't know if I should be worried or not.
I feel like my mind is solidly in place for a change, though. For a while, I was full of racing thoughts, panic, and outright fear. I'm thinking just fine, reflecting, and planning my next moves. I'm just so numb, though. It's almost like I'm outside myself while I'm doing what I have to do. It's the weirdest feeling.
Like out of body experience. I often bang myself and find large purple bruises but it doesn't hurt. I cut myself accidentally or burn my hand on the iron. Nothing, no pain. This comes and goes throughout life as the stress threshold is exceeded. Anc, it's completely natural and part of the body mind great mystery connection. Seems to be generated as a secondary mechanism through the adrenalin (anxiety up) cortisol (calm down) cycle.
The body is making opiates, it's natural body substance instead of getting one high it numbs. It's called endorphins and a lucky few of us generate this response because of the type of endorphin receptors we have in our bodies.
Heroin in the Brain Its Chemistry and Effects
In 1972 brain researchers from Johns Hopkins University made a puzzling discovery that would illuminate scientists' understanding of drug addiction.
They found that the human brain's neurons had specific receptor sites for opiate drugs: opium, heroin, codeine and morphine. But then there was the obvious question.
Why would nature put in our brains a receptor for a plant? After all, humans beings didn't evolve over millions of years eating opium or shooting heroin.
The scientists reasoned there must be some other function for these receptors sites. They soon figured out that the active ingredient in all these opiates - morphine - had a chemical structure similar to endorphins, a class of chemicals present in the brain . Endorphins are feel-good chemicals naturally-manufactured in the brain when the body experiences pain or stress. They are called the natural opiates of the body.
Endorphins flood the space between nerve cells and usually inhibit neurons from firing, thus creating an analgesic effect. On a lower level they can excite neurons as well. When endorphins do their work, the organism feels good, high, or euphoric, and feels relief from pain [analgesia]. Logically, endorphin levels go up when a person exercises, goes into labor, or is stressed out. Although they also seem to be triggered by stress, endorphins can do more than relieve pain, they actually make us feel good, or they create a numbing easing pain. -------------------- So an overabundance of endorphins or sensitive receptors give us this out of body sensation. Anc it's useful in PTSD and aids recovery. I learned this today. Burn victims generate loads of this.
That's what I know Anc, so don't be afraid of it, observe and say thank you to the patron saint of genes who is looking after you. In due course you will glow with health as your body heals.
We are very lucky to have this effect.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/20/1506:13 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla, wishing you some peace today. You are loved. Please know that. You are a guide to so many people, teaching us, leading us, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. Thank you for being you.
Thank you for sharing such personal experiences of this part of journey V. I always feel grateful when you feel you can post about about this journey you have having with the PSTD, as it allows me to give you a just a little back. I have little to offer you but my empathy for I know how this PSTD is so scarily unsettling of a person like you who has a quiet, peaceful, loving heart and mind. I wish there was more to give you through this time, but I know that my offer a love and friendship and want of peace for you enough. I would love to wrap you up in the biggest of hugs.
(((((((V)))))))
PS: When I grow up I want to be just like you... rainbow tummmy love V
You make me smile, tons of rainbows.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
