Yesterday's gone. Tomorrow's not here... (2)

[Vapo]

Buddy,


you are doing waaaaaaaaay too much mindreading. Waytoo much. And instead of moving on you should use phrase move forward, because IMO you are not ready to move on yet (if by moving on you mean next R).

Stay strong buddy...

[pinn]

Thanks Vap.

I am mind reading a bit but also looking at the cold hard facts of the situation.

1. I got fired 6 months, she moved out 5 months ago. She has had 5 full months to see exactly what life is without me (again btw). I have not interfered.
2. Since she moved out, she has initiated contact with me exactly 3 times. 3 times Vap! 2 of those times were utterly meaningless and the 3rd was in response to something I had mentioned to her two weeks before hand. This has really been bothering me lately.
3. Haven't seen her since she moved out.

It is not good. I try DB'ing by working on myself. I think I do OK, I've come a long way. The past experience helps too. I can't do any DB'ing in regards to my wife, I never have the chance. I am just dark and that is it.

I see this ending in 1 of 3 ways.
1. we eventually get divorced anyway --> better to end it now
2. we get back together but end up in the same spot and get divorced later --> better to end it now
3. we fight through and live happily ever after --> mistake to get divorced

Which one of these is least likely?

I say move on because that is what I meant. I can't move on, until this is over. So I think I should start now so I can be ready to move on in say six months when everything would be final. I want to sell the house, I do not want to do that until things are final.

I don't see what the alternative is to moving this process along. What is it? I am still married, but I am not. It's frustrating. My friends are asking me what the heck I am waiting for and I don't have an answer. They say I have never seen what is out there, I have given her the past 16 years even when she got to test the waters. I think I am half detached but do not see how I can become fully detached until she is more or less completely out of my life.

I want to be in a very different place at the end of 2016 compared to the end of 2015. Know what I mean? I am trying to figure out the best way to get there.

[Vapo]

I hear you buddy...

Don't be too hard on yourself. The situation [censored], like a lot. I know. I think you are at a turning point, where the things will start to look up.

As long as there is love in your heart, there is hope. But you do have to work on yourself. Leave her be, let her be, heal now, improve to pinn 2.0, there is sooooooo much progress that is within your reach. You can finally become the man you wanted to be. Live now, breate, learn to love yourself again, learn to love life, feel the rain, find the inner child again. Feel how rain feel on your skin, go out in snow and try catching flakes with your tongue...

Stay strong buddy, you are not alone in this pot of crap...

[pinn]

Thanks Vap. I really appreciate the comments. I am working on me in a lot of ways. I identified a lot of problem areas and am working on making changes. I like what I have seen.

I let her be. I don't bother her. She is doing whatever she wants with zero interference from me, no issues there. I don't pry, I don't spy. No idea what she is up to. Much easier that way. She should have a pretty damn good idea at this point what she wants (IMO of course/ some mind reading).

I had been doing well at doing some of those things you mentioned. Maybe I have backslid the past few weeks. Maybe it is the holidays, I don't know.

All I can think about lately is getting this process started. She has decided multiple times that I am not right for her. There has to be a time when I say enough is enough. I did that once already and after a year she still managed to maneuver herself back in (pre-marriage but it is the same deal as now).

Are you saying that you think it is a bad idea for me to start moving this along come the new year?

As long as there is love in your heart, there is hope.

That is a dangerous thing right there. That is partly why I am in this mess right now. I didn't have to be here, I basically choose it. I will always have love for her, we grew up together. It's not going away. The hope has to go away, I think it is almost.

Thanks again Vapo

[Flight]

You know Pinn, the hardest choice is figuring out if you really want to wait around, and if so why? Are the reasons to hold on based on fear, or on the fact there really is a relationship to save. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves about love, committment, loyalty, etc. We should be loyal to ourselves and take care of ourselves first.

People show us who they are by their actions all the time, shouldn't we believe them? Or do we see the romanticized version of them we want to see?

You can do a 180, go dark, or try little things like one way texts every once in a while. Or you can move forward and build a new life. She could want to join it or not. I agree with your deadline. We have to have a line in the sand or we might find ourselves still sitting around waiting years from now.

[Pax_luv]

Hi Pinn,
I get why you are thinking the way you are- I really do. I would never tell you what to do ( that's not my style) but it hasn't even been a year yet. Not that there's a time stamp on any of this other than our self imposed ones... But it's very soon. follow your heart- if you want to be divorced- go get divorced, but if not, there's no harm in just sitting still for a bit more and working on yourself. Will it make the odds of r any better??? Who knows? Maybe not? One thing for certain, Younwill be better off continuing doing the 180s and gal, etc. Are you just wanting to file because you feel you can't move on/ forward without it?

[pinn]

Thanks Flight. Always good to see your posts. One of the hardest things for me, is that once this over, everything is over. I can't talk to her again. Besides my wife, she is a life long friend who I love very much.

Hey Feyth. Thanks for posting. I love chicken btw ;-).

I am seriously thinking about bringing this situation to a head (pulp fiction what?) because....

1. I am tired. I am so tired. This is the third time I have gone through this plus a bunch of smaller things that have happened over the years. Every time it is the same thing. She decides she doesn't love me for a few months to a few years. Even if we got back together, how could I possibly get that out of my mind? I would be waiting for the next BD.
2. I cannot imagine waiting a full year. I want to be in a much better spot at the end of 2016. I def cannot move on until this is settled. If it is settled in 6 months, then I would need what... another 6 or so months to be ready to move on. I am not comfortable with the situation as it is at the moment.
3. I want a family. I am not getting any younger. The sooner I move on the better.
4. She has made her position pretty clear based on her actions. How long can I wait? I have had no positive signs... not a one. I can work on myself and GAL until the cows come home but I cannot completely move forward until this is settled. It will be hanging over my head. I can't just pretend we aren't married know what I mean?
5. I still live in the house we picked together in the town she grew up in and 1 town over from my home town. She moved 30 miles away. I am the one who gets stuck running into minor acquaintances every where. I hate that. To move forward, I should move. I don't think it would be smart financially to move until this is settled.

So that is just some of the reasons. I don't know, I'll think about it more.

[pinn]

WW had some shutterfly stuff sent to the house accidentally. I dropped it off at her parents house along with some gifts for the nieces today.

She texted me soon there after saying thanks for bringing that stuff over and to tell me that something else would be coming from shutterfly that is a gift for her sis.

I deleted it and didn't respond. Not sure if I should have responded or not, but I am tired of her mail and stuff coming here. That text did not make me feel good. That's what it takes to hear from you? whatever.

On the bright side, it was good seeing her mom and sis for a bit. I miss that whole family. Now let's see if this Star Wars movie is all its cracked up to be.

[Flight]

Hi Pinn. It is so tough because this is a patter. I hear you about wondering now if you did get back together how to ever not be looking over your shoulder all the time. I think I would. It is so easy being the impationed observer to just say, "man, what are you thinking. There are better things ahead!" but for the person living with the emotions? A whole 'nother ball game, eh?

I do know that getting your own life and moving on is the key because you can A. Be happy alone once you go through the withdrawal and B. If there is a chance for R, that is one way it happens. I was thinking of a quote I made up in my head, "A funny thing happened while trying to reconcile, I fell in love with myself"

[pinn]

Thanks flight as always. Yea it's funny... my friends just don't get it. Maybe one day they will. They think I can just call it quits so easy. Sometimes they are very convincing, especially with no family involved. But it is a whole nother ball game for me. If they are in the same spot one day, I'll understand.

I am so frustrated with my WW today. Thank god I got to play some hockey tonight. Best thing about playing is that my mind cannot be anywhere else. It's the best. Wish I could play 3-4 hours like back in the day. It was my drug to get over her way back when. Caught a nasty elbow to the head in the last minute... i liked it.

I have not gotten as many texts in the past 5 freaking months as I did today over her packages that she had sent to my house. Didn't even ask about me. Just a thanks for bringing her stuff to her parents and a note about the two other packages coming tomorrow... then another note about the packages... then another note... then a why are you not responding to me followed by another note about her packages. I finally said... don't worry about your packages... I am on the look out.

I am ready for a new year.