Definitely stick with the program. I'm an engineer and a very good problem solver so I resisted the 180 and a lot of professional advice I was given. I figured I could solve my wife's midlife crisis/affair on my own. After all, I'm a smart guy. Well, I almost "smart guy'ed" myself into divorce. I fully admit now that I was not qualified to save my marriage. The fact that I loved her with all my heart wasn't good enough to save the marriage. I screwed around for a year and a half. I finally gave up, admitted I couldn't solve this, and did everything the DB way. It worked. The 180 started working immediately. Instead of being the one pursuing and crying I became the strong one that was moving on and couldn't care less what she was doing. I was no longer her safety net and that snapped her out of her affair fog in a microsecond. Everything changed after that. When she thinks you're a guarantee then she knows she can do whatever she wants. Treat you however she wants. If you respond by fighting with her then you just become the bad guy. The mean guy to her and all her friends and family. None of that works. The 180 works. For your sanity, follow it religiously. Keep it handy and read it all the time. Every day do a review of your 180 progress. Give yourself a letter grade. Think about each item of the 180. Good luck.
First of all, thank you for coming to my thread and posting. I needed that today, and you gave great advice. It sounds like we're a lot alike - I'm a scientist with an advanced degree and tend to think I can out-think most situations. But that doesn't work here.
I am trying to stay the course and have been DBing for almost 5 months. But doubt creeps in. Today it was worse than most days. I couldn't figure out why until a couple of hours ago. My W has her work holiday party this afternoon. With OM. And not me. And there will be drinking.... I can't believe how hard my unconscious mind was working to freak me out, but I felt a lot better once I figured that out.
Another thing that helped me was a plan to reevaluate my plan. I'm not exactly sure how/when, but retooling is necessary (looks like i might have some long lunches at a park bench in my near future). I know there has been progress. I know I'm in a better position with my wife. And most importantly, I know I've made made some changes in myself that were needed to get back to where I was when I was young and full of optimism and confidence.
So there are positive signs and I need the patience to continue so that I can find more. I knew this would be hard, but I underestimated the resiliency and perseverance needed for this.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
I'm reposting this here to remind myself 1) how to interact and 2) that my situation didn't happen overnight and that I need to have the perseverance and patience to allow for time to pass...
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
Not smothering her is so very important. Sometimes we say to love them from a distance. I don't know why that some LBH'S get the idea they are required to stop having feelings when they detach, separate, or even divorce. Nobody ever has to stop loving another person. It is usually better for the LBS to love from a healthy distance (whether a few steps, or separate lives).
When I was the WW, I could not stand for my H to hover over me, touch me, or even share the same room. When I made the decision to end the A and stay in my M, I still felt the same way for a while. Honestly, it was quite some time.
LBH's must try to understand, as best as they can, that even after the A ends, she has to gradually get back to being the W she once was. As painful as it must be on the H to know she doesn't want him touching her or to get too close........he needs to remember it is part of her adjustment and getting to where she can heal. She is not able to give him the physical and emotional evidence of loving him, like he longs for her to do. Not at that time. The best physical evidence she can give him is to follow a transparency plan after she sends a letter to OM ending all forms of contact.
Slowly, but surely, she will come around......and so will her feelings for her H........if she has come out of her waywardness. Ending an A does not garantee she'll stay in the M. It is her waywardness that is the true enemy. She did not become wayward overnight and she won't come out of it overnight. Just as it took years for her resentment to slowly build and disrespect became apparent, it will take a significant period of time for her to gain respect for her H. Her H has to find forgiveness for her betrayal (and whatever other hurts she caused in her waywardness). The WW has to find forgiveness for her H, related to all those things that caused the resentment in her heart. We are talking, probably, years of things she has pushed down or that cannot be undone. Things that happened in their past. Perhaps it helped shape the kind of MR they had together. Although the H may not feel she has as much to forgive as he does, it is very difficult for her to let go of the past resentments. I am not saying there are no women who can let go and forgive things in the past; I am just saying that it seems that most females struggle letting go of the resentment that has been there in their hearts for so many years. However, if they really want to heal, they can do it.
We had been M a long time when I had an A. There were decades of resentment. Although I had tried to put it behind me, I realize I had not been able to be free of it. It took about two years of praying and earnestly searching my heart for any left-over hardness. I finally was able to find peace. Let me clarify something. I have a certain sadness about some things, b/c I believe our M would have been much happier and we would have been much closer if my H had not been a passive nice-guy type of man. However, after my own actions of waywardness, it certainly brought me down from any snags of self-righteousness I may have hidden from myself. It helped me to accept the fact that both of us has failed each other. It may have been in different ways, but we each hurt one another. I cannot say his sins were worse an mine. His may have had a longer lasting affect on our MR, but mine were more devastating. Nobody can point a finger without at least one pointing back to themselves.
I appeal to all of you who are so heart broken and desperately want to see some sign that the WW really loves you, or is ready to work on the M, or whatever........to remember what I said about the time it takes for her to process her own sh't and find healing, before she can truly be the W you need and want.
I wish I could talk to every single WW who has tried to find happiness outside their M. I wish I could save some heartache for some of you. And, I wish I could speed things up to the happy ever after part of the story.
At times, my words may come across maybe a little strong and not what the LBS wants to hear when they first arrive. Just know I have a special place in my heart for all of you, and pray for your MR. _________________________ It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
So much of what Sandi says about a WW hits home for me, as well, with a WH. It's the main reason that even though things are not working out the way I want right now - I haven't completely given up hope for my H. His heart is cold and closed off right now. I don't think he will ever find someone like me out there, someone willing to forgive and do the work necessary to make us both happy. My feeling is that he will eventually figure this out. In the meantime, I've got so much work to do on myself, that I've got plenty to keep myself busy while he's out finding himself. I meant my vows. Until I have reason to change my mind, I mean to keep them. But...
this is the single hardest thing I have ever been through, and could never have imagined.
this is the single hardest thing I have ever been through, and could never have imagined.
Damn straight.
But remember you are not alone. I have so much platonic love and support for you and everything your husband put you through. Together we all will get through this. We might not know where this path is leading, but it is leading to someplace better.
I'm not sure how I know this, but I do.
Peace and patience to you and your family this holiday season
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
I platonic love you guys too! I don't know how I'd get through this without you!
Hugs all around! I'd say snuggle pile, but I'm pretty sure that can be misread very easily.... But I swear it's a term I've adopted from my S6 so it shouldn't have any weird undertones....
I'm going to stop talking now, before this gets any worse, lol
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Hitting reset and recommitting yourself to re-reading DR and following the strategies is key! Sadly, your W is cake eating in a major way. The EA she is still in is exciting and filling her emotional needs. She also seems to like having you at home for the good family stuff. Best of both worlds for her, right?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I platonic love you guys too! I don't know how I'd get through this without you!
Hugs all around! I'd say snuggle pile, but I'm pretty sure that can be misread very easily.... But I swear it's a term I've adopted from my S6 so it shouldn't have any weird undertones....
I'm going to stop talking now, before this gets any worse, lol
SciDad, we are all a little vulnerable and lonely so that could turn bad (or good?) really quickly! In my mind all of you guys look like the coach from Friday Night Lights.
And I should add, that I look pretty cute too in my mind while I am posting. Good thing this board is anonymous. LOL.
