There’s no such thing as loving someone too much. There is such a thing, though, as too much smothering. And smothering can definitely scare someone away.
So what does it mean to really love someone, and when does love turn into smothering?
Smothering, ultimately, isn’t about love, but about selfishness. When you love someone, you want what’s best for the person, even if that means the relationship looks different from what you had in mind. In contrast, when you smother, you prioritize your own needs for closeness or connection, as opposed to what the other person wants or needs. This is one reason people can get scared away and run from a relationship.
So let’s look at some differences between smothering and love.
Smothering takes. It’s selfish. When you smother, you’re really not considering the other person’s feelings and desires. You may feel like you’re showing love, but if you’re being motivated by your own insecurity about the relationship or your own fears about losing this person, then you’re probably more in the smothering camp.
Love gives. It’s generous. It prioritizes the other person’s freedom and autonomy. When you love, you’re willing to do whatever is best for the person you care for, even if that means you don’t get exactly what you want, exactly when you want it.
Smothering demands. When you smother, you constantly ask about the future, insisting on specific answers and results. You also demand attention or reassurance from the other person, requiring repeated statements of proof of their commitment level or feelings for you.
Love patiently waits. When you love, you enjoy the present, allowing the other person and the relationship to progress at a comfortable pace. You wait for both of you to become ready for a certain level of intimacy, instead of asking for premature answers or commitments that can put pressure on the other person and scare him or her away.
Smothering disregards what another wants. When you offer continual statements of how much you care about the other person, you may feel as if you’re actually offering love and simply trying to demonstrate how strong your feelings are. But when the other person doesn’t want to hear repeated avowals of your love, you can end up coming across as needy and desperate, merely because you’re disregarding how your partner feels and what he or she wants.
Love considers and respects the other’s desires. True feelings of love don’t force themselves on another person in ways or at times that the person isn’t ready to receive them. Again, sometimes the best way to show your love is to respect the other’s wishes and allow the relationship to grow and develop more gradually. It may seem strange, but there really are times when it’s not the best idea to say “I love you” over and over again.
Smothering oppresses. It pesters and desperately grasps. It calls too often or sends too many text messages. It results from fear and can end up making the relationship feel like a prison to the other person. It’s like building a border of rocks around a campfire to contain it and to keep it from going where it would naturally go.
Love offers space, respect, and trust. Love invites the other’s truest self. It frees the other to be and act and love how the person chooses. Whereas smothering encircles and contains the fire with rocks, love kicks the rocks away, allowing the fire to burn strong and free.
Smothering tells another what to think or do. When you smother another person, you tell them who they should and shouldn’t spend time with. You check up on where they’re going. You expect them to behave in ways you want them to behave, sometimes even through manipulation.
Love respects and encourages autonomy. Loving someone means allowing others to be fully themselves. Of course it’s true that in a relationship, two people rub off on each other and help each other grow and evolve, but this process needs to be built on respect and appreciation for each person’s individuality.
Smothering is insecure. Ultimately, this is the root of smothering. It can be produced by jealousy, fear, and anxiety, and it’s one of the surest ways of driving someone away. Love is secure. Love is emotionally strong enough to respect another person’s space and to trust that what’s meant to happen will happen.
Relationships need space and air to breathe if they’re going to survive and thrive. Smothering can therefore kill a relationship by depriving it of oxygen. So remember, there’s no such thing as loving too much. The real question you need to ask yourself is, Are my actions genuinely loving? There can sometimes be a fine line between loving and smothering, but if you want a healthy and long-lasting relationship, it’s an important one not to cross.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Things that I love about my wife I love her smile I love her charisma I love kee caring nature and her love for our children I love her strength and her beauty I love the person that she was and the person that she became over our marriage I love how warmth We were partners and had each other's backs in times of difficulties she was my friend and my lover I loved her touch
Max it was suggested to me that perhaps a name change might make me feel different no longer feel like a shadow of myself
I love my wife and I love my children if her master plan is plenty of swapping then this is fine if this is what it has to be ...I see family life as a unit of togetherness and I get it that this is not what we have right now
I have limited time before she tells me that the house goes on the market and she starts pushing forward with her plans
You talk to me as tho I am doing nothing to change myself to become a better person
The only thing that I can see you saying over and over is that I need to grow a pair and I need to start doing thighs for me I get this .
The changes that I am making to myself we nt going to mak [censored] difference to my W I am making these changes to be a better person to do my share of the housework means nothing to be a better father means the world to me
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ok so I am seeing things a little calmer I am not spinning so much and I can even see how over the past six months I have been running scared I have been frantic G, You are still spinning, you are doing donuts on your future. You ARE running scared of being alone and losing the comfy life you had. You still havent told me 5 things you love about your W. If you cant come up with them why stay married? For convenience? I posted the answer to this above
Ok so persuing is not good and I have been doing this through my fear of being alone and I see all I am doing is pushing her further away so this has now stopped. It hasnt, it will continue as all the other times you said the same story.
It may already be too late I do not know all I know is I have to start changing my thinking process if I am to either make a difference to my M or Make a Difference to myself. Your M is dead and no defibrilator will jump start it. Think about making a difference to G in order to start this possible new M. It does not have to be either one or the other. What does make a difference to ghost mean do things for me I realise my marriage is dead right now my W is co living with me does this not time me valuable time to wpend with her and the kids if this is something she wants
Beginners mindset .....humm...put myself in her mindset NO there you go again ... thinking you know what she is thinking. You always make this mistake.
Actions rather than words THIS ....might be a good starting place I think you said this many many times already. My wife does not believe my words she has heard them all before and she does not believe that I can change Since bomb date I have continued to work hard I have changed my working hours so I get to spend time with my children before work every day I have booked Sunday's off work so I do not work Sunday's I have taken my little girl to the play center to the park out for a break to my sisters for 4 Days I have been doing much more arround th hous with regard to house chores and cooking and cleaning washing ironing as it has been said before I could be Mary flippin popping and it would not have any effect on her wanting to work on the marriage.
I have made many changes that she will be seeing in a day to day basis I am working out and loosing weight.
I do not want to appear self centred by taking myself off and doing things for me and not putting my children first my wi used to always says that I did not do enough with the children,so I wold see what I am doing as a 180 but do not worry today I have got plans for me and my little girl we area going to the play center and I will be taking her to Father Christmas I will ask my W is she wants to come along this is up to her.
I think back over the marriage and there have been many times where we have argued over a relatively small things these are things that she is now making into a bigger issues and for her they are bigger issues. To you they were small maybe not to her. Additionally many frequent busts over small things hide a big issue. Maybe she saw and you did not. Maybe she is also rewriting for her benefit. You do not know the truth unless you honestly analyze and find out
The things that we argued over were Me not doing enough with the kids I was always at work Me spending too much time on my iPad and my computer Me not spending the evenings with my W Me not doing enough cooking Me not doing my share of the housework
I read on someone else's post and I will add to it here I do not see how divorce selling the house choosing to see th children 1/2 the time ....becoming single parents to 4 children swapping the kids over twice a week or three times a week for the next 16 years with me staying in contact with my wife and her staying in contact with me through our children. Can possibly be better than staying in trying to work things out Bla bla bla again more of the same G If she does not want you or stay with anything will be better than what she has, can you not grasp this? if you were in prison with all luxuries would you want to stay or would you prefer to be free and face a lot of work?
She knows that we both love our children unless she has an alternative master plan then there is going to be a lots of swapping over of children Maybe that is her masterplan and there may be lots of swapping if it comes down to that be prepared.
I sometimes say to her I just want to make things better and she immediately says will better for you is asked getting back together and having sex no it's not but I don't know how I can let her know that's not what I mean getting back together could be any number of things it could be spending one night with each other going to the cinema once every couple weeks enjoying each other's company it might be going to the theatre it might be going out for a drink going for a meal once every week or every couple of weeks and just try andget along and see if our friendship grows.....but I can say this to her without it seeming pursuing It is persuing and what do you have to offer different than what she was getting and didnt want. How close are you to offering what she might want? Do you really want to become a housemate for the rest of your life with her? Are you really ready for a life of celibacy if that is what it will come down to?
So I need to back off and give her space YES!!!!! oh and STFU
We have been separated for about six months She has not you though. but we're married 17 years together 25 years and although we have been separated for the past six months we have probably spent as much time together if not more doing things for the children and doing things together And ? ...
Ok so something that she felt very strong about was that she felt I was being controlling and that she would not go out with her friends or even add males on Facebook through fear of it upsetting me do you think I should just turn round to her and say look I do not mind if you add people on Facebook I to you like I do not mind if you go out for a meal or a drink with someone else the bottom line is she is not with me and even if she was with me and if we ever did get back together this is something that would very much after change to allow her to do these things and to live her life the way she wants to live it. I can imagine what it was like to live with you. You are a control freak but I think more out of insecurity and low self esteem than anything else. Unless you address that problem forget any chance of getting back or even piecing. max you state that I am a control freak you do not know me yes I have insecurities i am working on regarding my weight ....sure I do not like the idea of her adding males to her friends it is almost impossible that males and females are just friends if there is an attraction then affairs can and often will develope I realise I have no say in this and she could if she wanted to fill her pages this is not something that she has started to do.
So I realise that I have to work on my insecurity if she wants to go out and if she wants something to happen then it will I have no control so might as well let this go
The marriage we had we could never ever go back toWould you want to? NO I WOULD NOT. Why? Would she want to? Why? SHE WOULD NOT WANT TO I just do not see why with all my changes that I'm doing G, WTF, the only real changes I have seen you make is change your member name and add new posts. What serious and deep changes have you really made G and of those, which ones really would want to make your W come back? why we cannot get to the stage where we have a very different marriage but she is not right now prepared to give it a chance
So all I can do is keep working on me andbecoming a better person and who knows what that might bring For a start it will make you a better person and if it is too late for your w will help with any future R with someone else and until then help you cope with being alone.
Seriously G,
I really wish you would stop smothering her, start working on yourself, stop contradicting yourself, stop lying to yourself and above all else stop asking questions you know the answer to.
NB: Stop mentioning about you initiating a D etc. You know full well you are only trying to get a reaction from her. The problem with using ultimatums as a bluff is if you get called out on them.
G I think you are a smart and intelligent person but with a lot of insecurity issues looking for an easy way out. If you truly think your R and W and kids are worth fighting for then stop whining and start growing a pair and follow the advice here. Not mine but someone's. It has been proven that your way isnt working.
Max
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Morning AT , I've been thinking a lot of why you get so many people posting even though you ignore all the advice. Don't get me wrong , your always grateful and very thankful BUT you do ignore us.
I think we all see ourselves in you and we are desperate for you to put the brakes on your actions because they are making your sitch worse In 6 months you will grasp why we are all on to you so much You will look back and say , if only or why didn't I listen.
So my suggestion is this , take a leap of faith and put your trust in all the posters who really want AT to come through this
As a previous poster said you are intelligent and you can grasp what we say but you just can't get past your emotions and you let them take over
Sandis line after her posts says it all , do what works , etc
we all struggle and we all make mistakes so no one is judging you but we are steering you away from the mistakes.
Oh yea , one last thing I thought of late last night and it's a new method for you to try , STFU !!!!!!!!!
Let's keep count of how many days you can STFU for , you said yesterday was 1 so let's chalk up no 2 this evening
I am up to over 900 posts and yet I still feel that I do not know what I shold be doing this sounds so pathetic
Ok so let me ask something if I may The thing that is going through my head at the moment is not just that my W has asked to separate it is what is going to happen with regard the children.
Just today I was going to be taking me little boy to his weekend activity and at the last moment he said he wanted mummy to take him and he starts getting upset so I said how about mummy and daddy both take you so we can both go and watch you ....he said yes but my wife clearly did not really want us both to go..
So this got me thinking about when we divorce and are living apart how I know we really do not want to get child care matters decided by the courts...we have to sort this together....What if the children are ment to be coming to mine and they start crying say no I do not want to go ....do I just each and every time back down and just drive off in my own back to my house without my children
Being the mummy she has been arround so much more than I have because of my work she is arround after school and at weekends and the children are closer to her because of this.
So I have right now the gift of time but this is running out day by day and this is going to go on for ever with the children my youngest is two and the one that got upset is eleven.
I am at the point where I want to try and reason with my W negotiate some sort of deal ...how crazy does that sound ?
I stand that chance of loosing everything I realise just what is at stake
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
You have had 8 months to build a new bond with your kids and have them want to be with you but you continued to try and spend time with W. When it's your time with the kids after D it's your time. There might be some compromises and they swap days/times around but you won't just drive home everytime they don't want to see you.
Start thinking about your kids and not how it applies to W or with W.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
The exchange this morning is classic GUILT for your W and trust me , that's exactly how she saw it.
I presume you had girlfriends In the past Now imagine one of them is going to be sleeping around next Thursday How do you feel about that ?? Seriously , how do you feel. I would imagine you couldn't care less Now if that woman had a serious illness and you heard that , you may be a little sad but it doesn't really change your life.
Now imagine that's how your W feels right now. You could leave and meet someone and she would t really be bothered. Because that's where she is right now. Please listen this time. Anything you say is seen by W in her light and not how you might intend it to be seen
Have you read Sandis thread on WW and WAW , there is terrific insight
Your mindset has to be one of mindfulness of how W perceives you. Now if you are doing X because X is what you want to do then fine but if X can be taken by W as influence then do X in a different way
I hope I'm being clear.
The exchange this morning may have been genuine on your part BUT W could easy take it as guilt. This morning you could have easily said to S , come on buddy , we will play a game in the car and make it really fun This leaves W out of it completely
I know this is hard but you did not make 2 days with STFU. Improve you for you and if W is drawn closer then great but if she isn't then the new you will be able to cope and live his life fully
Please mate , no talking about the kids or anything for a week. Can you set yourself that goal ?
I have to bite my tongue regularly with my W. She leaves the openings there all the time and I can assure you that she is stunned by my ability to STFU I sometimes feel she says things to test the STFU attitude I know have Slowly , oh so slowly I have developed this ability and trust me , I fake it a lot of the time because the old RD knew everything and was happy to voice it to W
I'm at this longer than you and I'm gifted that I have my kids with me 24/7 but it's a struggle daily. I chose to move forward because I realised ( with loads of help from on here ) I had no real choice Neither do you.
Last lesson and please take it , Your W does not want an R with you right now and nothing you do short term or especially say short term will change that
Come on buddy , one foot in front of the other and W is now an alien that you cannot communicate with because there is a language barrier so the only way of communicating is by actions. Show W you are becoming a man only a fool would leave.
Things that I love about my wife I love her smile I love her charisma I love kee caring nature and her love for our children I love her strength and her beauty I love the person that she was and the person that she became over our marriage I love how warmth We were partners and had each other's backs in times of difficulties she was my friend and my lover I loved her touch I would have liked to have seen more personal touches of particular moments . These seem so general but OK I'll take these as good enough reasons.
Max it was suggested to me that perhaps a name change might make me feel different no longer feel like a shadow of myself Ok no problem I was just making a comment not questioning it.
I love my wife and I love my children if her master plan is plenty of swapping then this is fine if this is what it has to be ...I see family life as a unit of togetherness and I get it that this is not what we have right now So does this mean that you will no longer post anymore about how about if you separate your children will bla bla bla?
I have limited time before she tells me that the house goes on the market and she starts pushing forward with her plans The more you do thigs your way the shorter the time. If she does decide to push then let her do the work. Also make sure you are well assesed by a lawyer.
You talk to me as tho I am doing nothing to change myself to become a better person YUP got that right.
The only thing that I can see you saying over and over is that I need to grow a pair and I need to start doing thighs for me I get this . Then when are you going to throw some old spice between your legs and become a man?
The changes that I am making to myself What changes? we nt going to mak [censored] difference to my W NO so why persist in keeping an eye on her reactions? I am making these changes to be a better person You keep saying this but dont seem to have made any. Then you say things like why do changes if your W does not take notice. Which is it? to do my share of the housework means nothing to be a better father means the world to me I really dont think the issue was lack of housework and being a better father is great but change is much more than this.
