Thank you guys. You're right, I was boiling over yesterday and just needed a place to rant.
Sunny, I didn't actually write out my spew in a letter, but this post was kind of a start. And I blew off some steam with a couple of my supporters as well. Once the emotions simmered down what was left was me, ready to do what I need.
I went to a drugstore and got two little plastic scrap books that hold 36 photos...then I printed out duplicate copies of 36 pictures of my kids, and put them in a nice order.
During my presentation I am going to start by skimming through the years we were together very, very quickly. Then I'm going to talk about BD and the days since. What I've done as a man. IC, support group, journaling, and reconnecting with my family. Then I'm going to talk about what I've done as a dad. Working hard to support them in both households, getting a different job that allows me more flexibility to make room for increased time with them. Then I'm going to give them a glimpse of what we've done together by going through the scrap book. Science museums, trips to the zoo and festivals, hikes around lakes, board games, reading books, birthday parties, trick or treating...then I'm going to talk about what's not in the pictures, homework, violin lessons, getting them to eat new foods, and so on. How my son doesn't seem like he's got behavioral issues when he's with me, and that I know he feels safe and at home when we're together. How my daughter tells me when we're together it's like the world becomes full of magic and it's like our special universe to just be together.
Then I'm going to talk about what's missing from the pictures. Day to day life. The quiet time where they do their own thing knowing dad is in the room next door. Time to do our own things without the constant pressure to make every hour count. I'll talk about how all my children constantly tell me they miss me and wish they could have more time with me. How when they get in the car on a Tuesday visit after not seeing them for 6 days it's so hard because we've become disconnected, and missed so much life together, and by the time the bond is reestablished our three hours are up and it's time for bed and school and I will see them again on the weekend. And that I hurt being apart for so long, and while this is about the children's pain and not mine, I know that they are hurting too.
Then I'll tell them what I want. 50/50 parenting time. OK to make that happen over 1-2 steps over the next 3-12 months. I'll mention that I know there are concerns. I know there are trade offs. This is disruptive to their school week, etc. But I'll let it be known that it wasn't my choice, and it darn sure wasn't the children's, and it's not fair to them to give them anything less than a meaningful relationship with both of their parents.
Then I'm going to drop the mic and walk the heck out of that place.
OK. That's an abridged rough draft. I'll revise tomorrow, then rehearse Sunday night. Bottom line though, I will deliver a presentation powerful enough to generate tears if it weren't for the fact everyone else in the room is remorseless and eats babies for breakfast.
I appreciate you guys more than you know.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I have been pondering what to write since I read your desperate, frustrated, angry heart felt words, related to the custody and care matters with your children. I have struggled to come to a post that would validate your experience, but add some perspective. You have however got yourself exactly where you needed to be.
I have been pondering what to suggest to you that would support you to feel more empowered at this conference on Monday. But Zues you did it. In the place that you somehow always seem to find, is the perspective of what truly needed to be done and communicated.
I was going to say, you may not know the names of your children's teachers, but I bet Zues knows, which maths problems is son struggles with or that his daughters favorite dress is the pink one with bow at the back. Or that he can predict exactly what his children will ask for as a treat for movie night. Or that he knows what story book his children will generally pick on any given night. Those are all the things I would want to know from you Zues. And you completely nailed the scrapebook idea, with the photos. When I write reports for the court, I want the judge to be able to imagine this child, I create pictures with words. You have done exactly what is required.
Zues I have written this post over what feels like a thousand times. I have deleted a significant amount I have written that I would like to share with you another time. Maybe after your conference on Monday and maybe it was more for me to write for my own healing.
Zues, I will tell you that as a mother I just fell in love a little bit with you. Your love for your children is amazing and true. There is nothing more attractive than that. Your XW is a fool.
Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate the time and thought you all put in. This has been a long and difficult time, and just when I make it through one challenge I get to another...but that is life. The secret isn't getting to the end, it's sneaking in time to find some joy in the middle of it all. That I am trying to do, and you guys are part of that.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, truer words were never spoken, and that I needed to hear today. The secret is finding joy in the middle of it all. Because all we really have is right now.
I will be thinking about you tomorrow Zues. You don't need a cheerleading section Zues, but I wanted to at least say it out loud, know that I am here cheering you on, we are here. Lots of Love JellybXXX
