Your wife does not care if you go out flying a bloody kite. Leave her the [censored] alone already!!! What is it that you do not get? Is English hard to grasp for you? Can I tell it to you in German? Hör auf!!!
And again with the mind reading! YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOUR WIFE THINKS. And even if you did, her thinking is skewed. She would be rewriting history to justify her actions and you would be bad guy No. 1. Who gives a rat's ass what she thinks? For [censored]'s sake... I would be also pissed if my W was adding males on FB. You are not a terrible person if you felt the same... My W, prior to BD, felt very strongly that there can be no friendship between a man and a woman, that is always leads somewhere.
So again, focus on you and your kids, stop snooping, and for the love of god, let your wife be!
time to get that motor running here comes a big spin..tonight my W is going out for a friends birthday meal and usually she would come home but no not tonight nope she is hitting the night club she honestly does not give a [censored] monkeys about my feelings her insensitivity
Or do I frame the above my W has not been out clubbing in weeks she has been working her ass off and deserves going out with a friend to let her hair down
Time to get a grip
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
At Peace. your W left you 8 months ago. Due to money / kids you still live in the same house W has told you she no longer wants a M with you.
You can frame it anyway you want , it doesn't matter to W You need to accept this because it's reality
You said yourself your seprrated W can do as she pleases to you she being insensitive , to her she's going out and GALing. Your obviously worried that she might meet someone or such like and that's a possibility but even if she is , you have no control When you were together you had no control W will do what she will and that's what you have to accept
Boundaries are not control They are your way of protecting you. Please read the reconciliation stories on here Almost all of them involve the LBS letting go and accepting having no control.
Your talk of how it's easier to get back together , that part is true and if the two of you were willing then of course that's the best option That option is not open to you. I'm not sure if you e read my thread but my W , lives in a one bed flat , her car is c@ap and has not tax or not , she lives on a shoe string and her OM is a bipolar drunk who has serious mental issues. W is on anti Ds and has talked of suicide Would it not be easier for my W to try again , yes of course but for her own reasons she doesn't want to. Her family don't understand , her friends don't understand BUT it doesn't matter , it's her choice
You have a choice , you can carry on like you are , obsessing over what could have been or you can accept what is
I know you said you are going to see an I/C but I think it should be top of your list.
I'm speaking from experience here. I was like you and even had the benefit of W telling me she is unsure of what she wants and thinks she's having a breakdown or MLC ( her words ) , stil I snooped , obsessed and was driving myself crazy with " if only " I went to a L/C and she put me on the right path. I'm still not healed but I don't let thoughts control me all the time
Come on buddy , you need to sort this for you and yours. The futures not written and hope is always there but Atpeace needs to live upto that name
I just do not see why with all my changes that I'm doing why we cannot get to the stage where we have a very different marriage but she is not right now prepared to give it a chance
Good stuff from rd, I wish some of it got through to you. I understand why it wont, but in time hopefully you pick up more of it before her actions force you to. One way or any other you will, it's just a matter of how much hell you put yourself through.
No more thinking about WHAT W is thinking or doing. Worry about you. If she's going out to the club to blow off steam, to enjoy her friends, get attention from another man, or even meet up with another man to hook up what difference does it make? Can any of those things be controlled by you?
She's an adult and has left you, you two are done right now. It [censored] but it's life now. You can miss her, grieve for her, even still DB with her in mind, but you have to stop the fear from getting to you.
Stop trying to justify her working on the M because its the what's best for the kids. It seems you haven't changed from the old M anyway because you still cling to her and for all the wrong reasons. It's not even that you love her as much as it's just your fear of being alone and how hard life will be starting over. What she said was true, her coming back is what's best for you right now and the things you tell her (even if they are true) only reassure her she was right.
So, what are you going to do now instead of cycling and spinning again? The big posts of what you need to be doing are pointless if you don't do them.
Here's something I want you to think about for a while. You said 3 years ago she was nearly out the door and you changed some so she would stay (I think, forgive me if I'm confusing stories). You said those changes didn't last and it was becaue they were for the M and not you. You have even said if the changes stuck then and you did more work you might have saved it then. How is now different from then if she comes back to you tomorrow? Nothing would have changed and you would be back here in 3 years again. You changing for you is only part of the equation, the rest is her and out of your control.
So, get your [censored] together (for you) just in case she gets her [censored] together.
Last edited by Fogg; 12/12/1507:09 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Ok so I am seeing things a little calmer I am not spinning so much and I can even see how over the past six months I have been running scared I have been frantic G, You are still spinning, you are doing donuts on your future. You ARE running scared of being alone and losing the comfy life you had. You still havent told me 5 things you love about your W. If you cant come up with them why stay married? For convenience?
Ok so persuing is not good and I have been doing this through my fear of being alone and I see all I am doing is pushing her further away so this has now stopped. It hasnt, it will continue as all the other times you said the same story.
It may already be too late I do not know all I know is I have to start changing my thinking process if I am to either make a difference to my M or Make a Difference to myself. Your M is dead and no defibrilator will jump start it. Think about making a difference to G in order to start this possible new M. It does not have to be either one or the other.
Beginners mindset .....humm...put myself in her mindset NO there you go again ... thinking you know what she is thinking. You always make this mistake.
Actions rather than words THIS ....might be a good starting place I think you said this many many times already.
I think back over the marriage and there have been many times where we have argued over a relatively small things these are things that she is now making into a bigger issues and for her they are bigger issues. To you they were small maybe not to her. Additionally many frequent busts over small things hide a big issue. Maybe she saw and you did not. Maybe she is also rewriting for her benefit. You do not know the truth unless you honestly analyze and find out
I read on someone else's post and I will add to it here I do not see how divorce selling the house choosing to see th children 1/2 the time ....becoming single parents to 4 children swapping the kids over twice a week or three times a week for the next 16 years with me staying in contact with my wife and her staying in contact with me through our children. Can possibly be better than staying in trying to work things out Bla bla bla again more of the same G If she does not want you or stay with anything will be better than what she has, can you not grasp this? if you were in prison with all luxuries would you want to stay or would you prefer to be free and face a lot of work?
She knows that we both love our children unless she has an alternative master plan then there is going to be a lots of swapping over of children Maybe that is her masterplan and there may be lots of swapping if it comes down to that be prepared.
I sometimes say to her I just want to make things better and she immediately says will better for you is asked getting back together and having sex no it's not but I don't know how I can let her know that's not what I mean getting back together could be any number of things it could be spending one night with each other going to the cinema once every couple weeks enjoying each other's company it might be going to the theatre it might be going out for a drink going for a meal once every week or every couple of weeks and just try andget along and see if our friendship grows.....but I can say this to her without it seeming pursuing It is persuing and what do you have to offer different than what she was getting and didnt want. How close are you to offering what she might want? Do you really want to become a housemate for the rest of your life with her? Are you really ready for a life of celibacy if that is what it will come down to?
So I need to back off and give her space YES!!!!! oh and STFU
We have been separated for about six months She has not you though. but we're married 17 years together 25 years and although we have been separated for the past six months we have probably spent as much time together if not more doing things for the children and doing things together And ? ...
Ok so something that she felt very strong about was that she felt I was being controlling and that she would not go out with her friends or even add males on Facebook through fear of it upsetting me do you think I should just turn round to her and say look I do not mind if you add people on Facebook I to you like I do not mind if you go out for a meal or a drink with someone else the bottom line is she is not with me and even if she was with me and if we ever did get back together this is something that would very much after change to allow her to do these things and to live her life the way she wants to live it. I can imagine what it was like to live with you. You are a control freak but I think more out of insecurity and low self esteem than anything else. Unless you address that problem forget any chance of getting back or even piecing.
The marriage we had we could never ever go back toWould you want to? Why? Would she want to? Why? I just do not see why with all my changes that I'm doing G, WTF, the only real changes I have seen you make is change your member name and add new posts. What serious and deep changes have you really made G and of those, which ones really would want to make your W come back? why we cannot get to the stage where we have a very different marriage but she is not right now prepared to give it a chance
So all I can do is keep working on me andbecoming a better person and who knows what that might bring For a start it will make you a better person and if it is too late for your w will help with any future R with someone else and until then help you cope with being alone.
Seriously G,
I really wish you would stop smothering her, start working on yourself, stop contradicting yourself, stop lying to yourself and above all else stop asking questions you know the answer to.
NB: Stop mentioning about you initiating a D etc. You know full well you are only trying to get a reaction from her. The problem with using ultimatums as a bluff is if you get called out on them.
G I think you are a smart and intelligent person but with a lot of insecurity issues looking for an easy way out. If you truly think your R and W and kids are worth fighting for then stop whining and start growing a pair and follow the advice here. Not mine but someone's. It has been proven that your way isnt working.
