Slow and steady .. Only way to get through the fog

[CaliGuy]

Thank you everyone ... and yes some very valid points, given the time I have been here and the things I have learned I fell into some of the old "oh no's" here and there over the past couple months and this was a big ol cold bucket of water that made me realize its not over and there is still more work to be done. That being said I knew this was all hitting the fan Sunday night.... mind-reading alert ... I think something sparked her about her brother who is in prison and she started spinning, we had a nice day but that evening was like she was looking for a fight. I had added a bit of pressure 3-4 times over the past 2 months about the sex topic ... that was a mistake on my part and it all came to a boil. Monday morning the "I think we should separate .. I will file D followed by NC (by NC I mean no texting and avoidance at home me on the couch). Tue NC...(All this time I am telling you the urge to snoop/push R talk/all those DB-No-no's were in me but I have learned and knew better... I faked it till I made it and acted like my life was awesome-sauce and the world was Cinnamon .. Wed morning words along with spew/issues ... I DB'd STFU, validated, truth-darted (I pretend I am Arrow with the truth darts as I have become very skilled here virtually stunning her in her tracks at times)and ended off by breaking off and going dark. Wed after work she was actually nice and cordial, S's Christmas show was at 6 so I figured it was her not wanting to fight, she shared some things (things that happened over the past 3 days that she had not told me as we were not talking) ... I went along with things and was reminded this time last year she was full on in love with OM but looked miserable. We had a nice time and went home, I told her good night (again giving her the space she wanted) as I took a nice long walk with the dog and went to bed (Felt like I got a disappointed look as she knew I was couching it again). This morning I went about my routine and went into the kitchen to toss something into the trash where she came up and gave me a hug which caught me offguard to which she replied "we have to get along right?" ... not sure how to take that, maybe its her way of being 'friends as we D' or maybe its the unspoken "I'm sorry for the Crisis-Monster appearing" .... again, poker face for me ... she has been chatty via text to with I have replied in kind. She is off to see her brother Saturday so hopefully this will help things a bit.

My current issue to tackle ... Expectations, I fell into the trap of almost to a point forgetting she is still in this crisis and will be for some time as I fell for the 'We are working on our marriage and its going to be OK' trap. I read another story on MLC where the couple reconciled in 2006, late in 2008 the LBS said something along the lines of "So glad we made it to this point to see our daughter do this (some achievement) and the MLCr broke down in tears, sobbed and apologized for all he had done like it just happened yesterday. I needed to read this, I caught myself wanting to make sure W knew the A and the OM were wrong because it felt like not only did she sweep it under the rug in an attempt to move on .... was like in a way she was almost arrogant about it like it only affected her. So, I made myself an early New Years resolution ... if its something that is bugging me from 2015 its not going to be brought up, I will allow myself 5 min to think it out .. .if its still there I will write it out but I will NEVER share this with W. if its a 2016 issue I will take it as it comes, refer to my boundaries, give it the DB24-48 hour cool off and bring it up in a calm and cool manner as Cali 2.0 is all about now because the cold hard truth ... I have learned all I can from the past 2 years ... holding onto that hot pot now is only going to hurt me more.

As much info there is here ... little comes in the form of Piecing for the MLC-LBS ... and for those in this situation now .. or maybe I am talking to a poor soul who has yet to suffer through this with their spouse and they have found this thread looking for that non-existent magic bullet I have some things I would really like to pass down. Only way I can is to continue to post here and leave some bread crumbs of what I have and continue to learn. Lesson #345345 learned this week .... Sometimes the MLCr will want to reconnect (on thier timeline and on their terms as far as how much and how deep this connection will be allowed to go), in order to ensure you continue to be where they left you ....some of you may have experienced this but even when you are 'back' and living together under the assumption you are 'working on your M', you actually are just where they want you and in my case W is good with having her family back for support but is not ready for 'love or husband and a wife intimacy' that and not able to work on the M as she continues to go through her journey ... working on herself but still pulling that MLC trick of finding things to stay busy and avoid that work. I understand this now, must be exhausting sorting that MLC mess out.

And LT ... yes the health thing I believe is not helping her progress, in fact its adding to the depression. Her memory continues to be horrible to appoint she is alarmed about it, I STFU and listen with the comforting body language knowing I can not tell her its very normal for the MLCr. The constant physical issues ... IC, neck, food reactions ... toss in the STD outbreaks its all she can to to keep it together let alone work out her MLC issues.

So as of now things are at least cordial, I do not think after the space I have given her (its been a busy week for us both allowing for minimal interaction... I continue to GAL) she truly wants to D nor even wants me to move out, but was forced into what she thought was a corner and that's how she has always attacked me knowing its effective. So it woke me up and made me realize I need to really back off and stay there, work on me, no expectations (as hard as that one is at this point) and just let her continue to work things out, realize its not her H that is to blame for her physical and mental health.

[AJM]

I like the resolution, but resolutions are an interesting beast all to themselves, no?

Cali, my boy, haven't you learned by now? You are human. She is human. Humans make mistakes. You both do.

And what happens in this moment, may not carry over to the next nor be remembered? What happens in this moment, is a point in time. A data point. Not good. Not bad. Just a data point.

From what you've said, it could just as easily be the end as it could be a point in time you both laugh at over wine in your twilight years as you celebrate your 500th anniversary.

You are reverting a lot in your thinking. I get it. You were both starting to go back and peel the onion down to the previous layers. It's easy to do. But you need to re-read your post and see what you're doing. You're being defensive and hurt.

Not saying you don't deserve to be. But I'm wondering if perhaps things were getting closer as you near the holidays? Perhaps you both had some things pop up that get in the way, as well as some old bad habits?

Enough of that. It's a point in time. What tonight or tomorrow or the next weekend brings? Still to be determined. History is still to be written, my friend.

And you always can punch out if you want. Nobody on the planet is going to think you didn't try, including the spew monster and your son. More importantly, you.

I'm reading this and thinking, nope, not yet. Nobody can tell yet if it's a bump in the road or the end of the road.



AJ

[mleigh4]

Hi Cali. I am bummed to read this, I know you have been working so hard. I also know how hard it is to live with a MLC. I couldn't do it, as you know, it was too much for me. But you guys are different.....

She sounds to still be working on things, pressure is a no no! Do like everyone is saying, step back and get yourself back on your own track. When you both meet up, great. When you do your walks on your own paths, great too. Keep up the GAL, one day at a time.

[Fogg]

Sorry to hear about things going south Cali. You know how it goes though, it's only over when you decide it is and patience is key. You have all the tools you need and know what you need to know, just have to stick to your path.

I'm pretty sure my W is in some type of MLC right now also. Maybe a quarter one(that's a thing) becaue of her age. Anyway, doesn't matter much about what I call it, to her any pressure is a big mistake also so the principles are the same. I've learned a great deal reading your posts and what your going through, thanks for sharing it all. I think I have my toolkit full stocked about now also and know everything I need to know. I know those bread crumbs would come in handy to anyone who got to piecing, not make make it there so it must be a strange place.

[mleigh4]

Cali, something you posted above has stuck with me. I thought about it last night. You said you feel your wife is happy having her family back but not ready for much more than that.

Strangely, I realized that is a lot like how I feel, what I want. I want my family unit back again. There is a huge comfort in that, it's safe and comfortable. I figure the connection with H would take time, something that would grow back over time as there has been so much damage done by us both.

So, I wonder if that is the case for your W. She must feel a huge comfort having you and S there. I know it must be frustrating that it is all on her terms, but it's all she can be right now. You guys are her rocks as she works through her issues....for whatever reason, it makes so much sense to me. Could be that was the case for me as I went through my own mini fog. I knew H loved me, I knew he was there for me, and him and S were like my lifejacket as I lashed about in the water.

I think you are very important to her, more than you know and way more than she can tell you right now. My H stood back and let me lash about until I was done, kind of like a parent who watches their child try to walk, but is there if they get hurt. IDK, just sounds like a place your W may be right now.

I wish you the best Cali. Don't forget all that Jedi training you got! Did you see the new Star Wars yet?

[ForeverYoung]

Cali, something you posted above has stuck with me. I thought about it last night. You said you feel your wife is happy having her family back but not ready for much more than that.

Strangely, I realized that is a lot like how I feel, what I want. I want my family unit back again. There is a huge comfort in that, it's safe and comfortable. I figure the connection with H would take time, something that would grow back over time as there has been so much damage done by us both.

So, I wonder if that is the case for your W. She must feel a huge comfort having you and S there. I know it must be frustrating that it is all on her terms, but it's all she can be right now. You guys are her rocks as she works through her issues....for whatever reason, it makes so much sense to me. Could be that was the case for me as I went through my own mini fog. I knew H loved me, I knew he was there for me, and him and S were like my lifejacket as I lashed about in the water.

I think you are very important to her, more than you know and way more than she can tell you right now. My H stood back and let me lash about until I was done, kind of like a parent who watches their child try to walk, but is there if they get hurt. IDK, just sounds like a place your W may be right now.

Wow. Thank you for posting this, mleigh. It makes so much sense to me, and you worded it very well. What a loving gift it is to stand by our spouse during their darkest hour. That’s real love!

So as of now things are at least cordial, I do not think after the space I have given her (its been a busy week for us both allowing for minimal interaction... I continue to GAL) she truly wants to D nor even wants me to move out, but was forced into what she thought was a corner and that's how she has always attacked me knowing its effective. So it woke me up and made me realize I need to really back off and stay there, work on me, no expectations (as hard as that one is at this point) and just let her continue to work things out, realize its not her H that is to blame for her physical and mental health.

Yes, back up and regroup. Like my friend T-2 liked to say, you got this!

[CaliGuy]

I like the resolution, but resolutions are an interesting beast all to themselves, no?

Cali, my boy, haven't you learned by now? You are human. She is human. Humans make mistakes. You both do.

And what happens in this moment, may not carry over to the next nor be remembered? What happens in this moment, is a point in time. A data point. Not good. Not bad. Just a data point.

From what you've said, it could just as easily be the end as it could be a point in time you both laugh at over wine in your twilight years as you celebrate your 500th anniversary.

You are reverting a lot in your thinking. I get it. You were both starting to go back and peel the onion down to the previous layers. It's easy to do. But you need to re-read your post and see what you're doing. You're being defensive and hurt.

Not saying you don't deserve to be. But I'm wondering if perhaps things were getting closer as you near the holidays? Perhaps you both had some things pop up that get in the way, as well as some old bad habits?

Enough of that. It's a point in time. What tonight or tomorrow or the next weekend brings? Still to be determined. History is still to be written, my friend.

And you always can punch out if you want. Nobody on the planet is going to think you didn't try, including the spew monster and your son. More importantly, you.

I'm reading this and thinking, nope, not yet. Nobody can tell yet if it's a bump in the road or the end of the road.



AJ

AJ .. oh I know all to well about the human-error factor, and yeah ... as you posted I did not feel this last blip was a make it or break it type issue, but was not just a minor spat, in a way it felt like the pressure was building over the past few months and the volcano finally bubbled over a bit, not a full blown Mt Vesuvius ... but enough to evacuate a couple villages.

I think the biggest thing in retrospect was a few things on my end:

Having expectations .. yeah .. I did. I expected her to make it right, in a way I felt she was avoiding the consequences of her actions but realized as hurt as I am about what she did, be becoming that hurt person was not who I am nor wanted to be .... the closer I got to her the more intense the emotions became, detached I did not have this problem.

Forgetting she is still in crisis and will be for some time, I fooled myself into thinking .. ok shades of the old W are back and I see shades of the new .. lets get on with this and start a new life now ... not so easy and it does not work that way, she is still processing and day to day she is sometimes a different person, I have to be on my game and continue to be the secure solid person and not fall for the tests, temp checks, baits.

I also underestimated the stress/pressure she is under during this time of year. Holidays bring their own stuff just for us normal people, for us, add in BD back in Sept, she moved out Nov, last year I refused any 'fake holiday family time' ... so this year some old and new traditions are trying to morph into one. Add in her family is a total wreck, and the biggie I think .. BIL3 in prison (she did visit last weekend and seems much better there, the guilt of not visiting him I feel sparked last week). And now .. her mother is in the hospital, so I have gone back to my 2.0 ways, I am the calm one, the one she is leaning on when she feels .... this time I do so without expectations, just doing my thing and allowing her to thrash around as M puts it.

[CaliGuy]

Cali, something you posted above has stuck with me. I thought about it last night. You said you feel your wife is happy having her family back but not ready for much more than that.

Strangely, I realized that is a lot like how I feel, what I want. I want my family unit back again. There is a huge comfort in that, it's safe and comfortable. I figure the connection with H would take time, something that would grow back over time as there has been so much damage done by us both.

So, I wonder if that is the case for your W. She must feel a huge comfort having you and S there. I know it must be frustrating that it is all on her terms, but it's all she can be right now. You guys are her rocks as she works through her issues....for whatever reason, it makes so much sense to me. Could be that was the case for me as I went through my own mini fog. I knew H loved me, I knew he was there for me, and him and S were like my lifejacket as I lashed about in the water.

I think you are very important to her, more than you know and way more than she can tell you right now. My H stood back and let me lash about until I was done, kind of like a parent who watches their child try to walk, but is there if they get hurt. IDK, just sounds like a place your W may be right now.

I wish you the best Cali. Don't forget all that Jedi training you got! Did you see the new Star Wars yet?

M you may be spot on here. During this entire crisis I was always the one she ran to .... always. Even when she had the STD she called me first, wanted me to help her, go to the Dr with her, I did calmly tell her not my place, she should take her BF whom was so nice to give her this gift rather than me. She called the next day in tears saying he had in fact gone with her but she really wanted me. This did give her and OM a big dose of "What will you do when things hit the fan and you have to actually be there for this person you 'love'"

Even before your post I thought to myself ... ok .. the pressure of everything going on, yeah .. you are right .. she is being all she can be at this moment. I had 'the gift of time' (I tried not to roll my eyes saying that) and really did a ton of work on me, I became a better version of myself ... during that time W was lost in the fog bumping into crap only to realize she was lost and woke up a bit realized she was about to lose everything. So now ... she has her family, her security blanket .... though she still seems to be in a severe MLC hangover ... there is progress. Her medical issues do seem to take her focus away from dealing with the mental side of all this I wonder if this is the way its supposed to work out, like God is really trying to get her to see the simplistic good things around her ... all this .. not anything to do with me, its her walk and she must do this without me but she does know I am there for support.

[CaliGuy]

Ok .. so just a quick update.

I went 7 ... yes 7 nights on the couch. 2 of these W kinda half way suggested I come to bed .. the last one I replied that I was good, respecting her space.

So as I noted Bad night Sunday .. NC/dark Mon-Wed ... Wed night she softened up a bit. Thursday night I had a GAL night with some sales guys and went to a Brewery (180 for me). Friday home ... PMA and all about just going with things. W sharing a bit here and there planned to see BIL Sat informing me she would be out all day and then needed to do errands Sunday. I was upbeat and planned things with S. Well plans fell through and she had to reschedule her trip to Sun ... again .. no problem I went about my plans as normal. Saturday morning woke early and cleaned up.(I learned in the past 6 months her father would wake every Sunday and vacuum, drove her nuts but it was something she grew up with .... one morning I did this out of the blue and she was glowing all morning so I have been doing this since) I then grabbed S, we went out shopping a bit, came home and organized his room ... I even fixed his lamp that has not worked since W moved into this place. W was much nicer but still standoff-ish in a way.
Sunday W woke early for her trip, I was up walking the dog, she asked for me to take a cooler to her car for the trip .. then walked down with me and gave me a big hug .. I told her drive safe and say hello to BIL for me, reminded her I wrote to him on a card and she confirmed she had it. That day S and I went to church, Shopped a bit .. just a total boy day, that night I took him to a Christmas party (another 180 for me as I seldom do these things) W beat us home and was texting a bit throughout the day. We got home, showered and I put S down, she looked exhausted and went to bed.
Monday, usual routine ... however during a hug session between S and I .. W joined in. Was nice ... I later received a hug in the bedroom as she told me about BIL. I STFU ... listened .. validated and in my mind prepared my speech for the DB achievement award. I left and wished them a good day. That day W was texting a bit .. even called just to chat, I was very PMA as was she ... we had a nice fun type talk. Later that night she was not feeling well ... I took care of S, dinner/shower/wrestle and put him down, walked the dog .. told her she was welcome to the remaining lasanga and joked that I know she stole a few slices (she laughed as she admitted it) She share she was not feeling well, was cold and asked me to come to bed with her... I kept her warm and we fell asleep.
This morning .. more of the same, I went about my stuff, resisted the urge to pursue but did kiss her neck telling her I was attempting a new medical technique to help her out ... wished her a good day and quickly left.

SO things have come around slowly, the ice is still thin.. I feel that but I know what works, just need to remind myself to stay right here, keep doing this ... GAL, PMA, I really do enjoy MY LIFE at the moment .. do I want more .. sure, do I need more .. yes .. but I still want it all with my wife and right now she still has a long journey to walk and she will finish when she does, if history is any indication .. she will be late on this one too ...lol.

Looking forward to Christmas ... Oh and M, I have not seen StarWars yet, we have 3 perfect seats and will be watching it Sunday morning 10:00

[AJM]

As I read this, I thought two things Amigo. 1) I thought - will she learn to let the pressure out in smaller doses? Perhaps that's her learning curve? 2) What made you stop being the Cali 2.0 that you had to go back to the ways?

Don't spoil SW for those of us that have yet to see it!

Merry Christmas, Cali.

AJ