I am relatively new here and am impressed with your handling of this situation. I, too, have a husband in MLC (For the past 5 years actually) and I threw him out 4 months ago due to his continuing affair with a work colleague. couldn't cope with it anymore. So of course now he thinks I hate him and has retreated completely.
I bought the divorce busting book to help deal with the aftermath but it is not specific for people who are having affairs. Is this the book you read? Or did you read one that was more specific to affairs? (You talk a lot about the DB book but am unsure which one you used). Please advise.
Thanks, and keep up the (damn) good work you are doing. x
Joss
Married Dec. 1997 EA discovered April 2011 H lived at home until August 10th 2015 Separated August 10th 2015 kids aged 8. 14 and 15 I think we're done.
Married Dec. 1997 EA discovered April 2011 H lived at home until August 10th 2015 Separated August 10th 2015 kids aged 8. 14 and 15 I think we're done.
I cannot believe it’s been over a month since I have updated/posted. I continue to log on here from my phone, I read up on a few threads but have not posted much …. At this point the themes are all so familiar and almost predictable … and the advice from the Vets is spot on and even clearer and more obvious to me now than its ever been. Things have been very busy for me, I have completely dove into work the past few months, I have down time but rather than look up topics about depression, forgiveness, dealing with affairs and that type of thing I have created projects that have helped the company do things more efficiently … heck I will even say I have become seriously dangerous with Excel and even thought I can make a killer spreadsheet for just about anything …. But not MLC … ha .. that’s just like trying to trap a raincloud with a butterfly net. So, I have thought about this post, there is a part of me that wanted to write a letter to those still in the thick of the fog, regardless of WW/H, WAS, MLC …whatever … the label it seems to me now is of little significance as all that matters is the ones on this board and what they need to do. Maybe I will post something like that another time, for whatever reason its been in my head. For me .. those keeping score, still back with my W. Has it been all daisy’s and rainbows …. Certainly not. There were a few weeks there I was really about to move out into my own place and file myself, not because of anything new …. But the damage done at times felt like yesterday new and fresh with the stench I could not shake. As I have learned throughout all this .. its cyclic, and we continue to work through things, the one thing that has changed drastically in our R is communication, we actually talk, I actually listen (STFU Smoothies go down smoother the more you drink, definitely an acquired taste for me). A few weeks ago we had a serious R talk, shared some things that were bothering us … things I could do better at, things she could do better at … and things as a couple we could do better, but the difference between the talks from the past, we come up with possible solutions to achieve results. There are times I see the fog roll back in some, but there are also times when she is clear. Rings are back on for the past couple weeks, even during some of the fights she still tells me she loves me, I am her H, along with boughts of remorse for all the things that happened in the past. I try not to dwell there, this past month … (2 years from her moving out) there have been triggers I did not think would hit as hard as they did so I have been addressing those, adopting the Fake it till ya Make it approach which seems to work both for me, and to avoid W feeling guilty when she sees me less than happy. So all in all things are still going well, albeit slowly … you all know how hard it is for me and those timetables I would like to slap on everything. The intimacy thing is still an elephant we are dealing with, its been brought up by me once a week for the past 2 weeks, had a good heart to heart about it a few nights ago sharing each others issues and fears. As I told her, I understand these thigns, but we need to address them and work past them, as I want us both to have the kind of marriage/relationship that we want …. And for me .. yes that includes dare I say SEX. Was not attacking, but more along the lines of other talks on “How can we do better, how can we get over these issues”
Other than that … work is keeping me busy, I seem to have increased spiritually with my walks and talks to God, I was struggling a few weeks ago and during a walk I was flooded with this amazing peace that continues to linger, I am not sure where my life is headed but I do feel I am very close to the road He wanted me on. I continue to read up on many here … I will try to do better and chime in more from time to time and pay it forward as I learned so much from the people here along with my own trials and errors.
I am relatively new here and am impressed with your handling of this situation. I, too, have a husband in MLC (For the past 5 years actually) and I threw him out 4 months ago due to his continuing affair with a work colleague. couldn't cope with it anymore. So of course now he thinks I hate him and has retreated completely.
I bought the divorce busting book to help deal with the aftermath but it is not specific for people who are having affairs. Is this the book you read? Or did you read one that was more specific to affairs? (You talk a lot about the DB book but am unsure which one you used). Please advise.
Thanks, and keep up the (damn) good work you are doing. x
Joss
Joss
sorry you are here .. I will try to read up on your sitch
Yeah I read both ... very similar, I think reading DB first is good .. DR is more of a refresher with some updated info to help. As far as the A .... you do have to reach a place where you realize that was/is simply a side effect of your M, by that I mean the M was at a point it was not giving the other spouse everything they needed ... not all on you, and your spouse entering into the A is solely their choice .. again .. not on you .. you are the keeper of that bag where the hurt goes, how you deal with that hurt is all on you, you can use it to grow, or you can hop on the sofa and let it eat away at you ... that is the choice you get to make.
Great to hear from you Cali, I think about you often. "What would Cali do?" And "what would Cali say?" help me out a lot! I admire the way you stood by your boundaries when you were in my spot this time last year, your examples have helped me more than you know.
Thanks for checking in, we all miss you but I am very happy to hear you are busy with other things
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hey Cali - just checking in brother - it is so good to hear that you are still carrying on and inching forward. Keep up the hard work.
I think of you often and the great help you have given me - thank you for that (I didn't really do a good Thanksgiving post, but you are on my thankful list).
Peace u-turn
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Hey Cali, good to hear from you and I'm pleased to hear you and your W are moving forward together. Yes interesting what you say about 'the label' - in so many ways, it doesn't really matter all that much. I think it is often only with the benefit of hindsight that we understand what is going on.
Also, lovely about feeling flooded with peace. I have felt that sometimes too recently. That truly is a blessing and I think is partly as a result of what we have been through (and what we have done with the experience too.)
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
