Black and white

[Painter]

I think your friend was probably right and I think it was a very compassionate thing to say.

In later years, I believe I have found that inner happiness you talk about. I've always been naturally optimistic, but it's more settled now, I'm not so easily impacted by others. I'm not sure if it has to do with age, or choices, or freeing myself from focusing on material possessions, or a mix of all of those. And the funny thing is that this is happening more and more as my health is less good.

I feel grateful every day for the hot water in my shower. I feel very lucky that I have the freedom to choose my work, and that I can work with healing to help others feel better. I think that work has done a lot to make me feel more satisfied with my own life. There is nothing quite like having a client get off the table and be completely stunned because the crippling pain they experienced, is gone.

I am lucky enough to get to play with art. I think this is something everyone should do - find the creative outlet that works for you, whether it is gardening, painting, dancing, singing, baking, needlepoint - whatever you can think of. As long as you feel joy doing it and it makes you focus 100% on what you are doing right there and then, it will lift you up.

A few years ago, I started going to a local church. This is not something I had done before, but it has been very enriching. I volunteer with some activities and enjoy the people I meet there.

Do I walk around in a constant state of bliss? In no way! I get upset, sad, angry, frustrated - but it is more like deviations from a normal setting, the needle goes back to rest at content and happy.

And I believe that H's choice to have an A actually pushed me further into this state. It made me more aware of who I am/would be without him, and that I liked myself even better.

[Di-mond]

Painter, this is exactly where I want to head. Being reasonably happy, helping others. I will never be an overt optimist. I watch and keep to myself. I understand that the world is not fair and never will be. I just have to make my little corner of the world ok.

[SunnyB]

Zues, it's Monday. Where's my weekend alligator update?

[Zues126]

HI SUNNY!

Wow, not much to say. It was a no-kid weekend so I was total degen. Poker, pool, and a few things around the house.

Boy do I love pool. Poker gets 99% of my attention these days because the pool scene is so dead, but boy, oh boy, when I start hitting those balls it is absolutely *sublime*. I need to get it going at work so I can get a pool table in my next place. That is a MUST. But playing good poker too and having some fun.

I realize I am super introverted. I thought about the odds of me meeting another woman without internet dating. Next to zero. I don't go out and do things where I could ever meet someone. I compete and train. That's all I do. I don't really 'take breaks'. My idea of a taking a break is working on a different game for a while. So if I'm burning out on poker I'll work on chess tactics or something. I'd say this isn't healthy but I've been this way my entire life and I'm very happy with this road. I just like games. The plus side is that I play good. I guess it's an out of balance life, but really no more out of balance than Tiger Woods or something. People get that he's going to be pretty extreme with his game. I'm like that, only I picked a game that pays $2 an hour. Oh well. Good thing I'm ok with all of this. After WAW I think I like being by myself. I just have no desire for anyone else's judgment and rejection. I am who I am, there is a reason I am this way, people that don't get it don't get it. I get it, and there is upside, so I will enjoy my own company.

Not much else to report. Kids tomorrow night which is really good, and then this weekend. I can't wait. It's hard to be apart from them for a week. I can't elaborate much more on that or I'll go on a rant. I'll keep it short and say that the time with my children is so precious and irreplaceable that it is criminal that the courts support this. But that's just my opinion, so I'll validate my loss, realize that anger only hurts me and dishonors what I've been given, take a deep breathe, enjoy the time with them I have, wrestle with the meaning of everything for a moment until I realize there is no answer, then go work on my game some more...

Oh, I might be divorced(?) The plan was to get the divorce before we settled on the kids/money stuff for legal reasons (just ink in "to be determined" on some parts). My L asked me to sign something a week ago, so I did and faxed it back. I think that might have been the legal paperwork that divorced me. But I'm not 100%. Funny, I signed it and didn't even think about that for a day or two. I guess at some point it stops mattering. I AM going to court on Monday for some social evaluation where they make recommendations as to parenting time. I hope everyone that plays a role in this inhuman system burns in hell, oops, breath and release, ok, that's fine, good for them, I'm sure in their minds they are doing righteous things by tearing apart families with 'care'. Anyway, that's Monday next week, so I'm not looking forward to that. But hopefully we get this crap settled so I don't have to think about it anymore. I don't think I'll ever accept some of this, but I think I accepted that I don't accept it and just let go.

I'll bounce over to your thread in a bit Sunny. Hi to all my DB friends (and enemies)!

[Zues126]

I'm not sure I can do this.

Monday I am meeting at the court for social evaluation. This is where I am there with my L, STBX and her L, and two court appointed social workers. The purpose of the meeting is to get a couple of recommended parenting time schedules from the courts and try to reach an agreement.

I am the 'petitioner' and am supposed to open with a 20 minute presentation. This is to cover how STBX and I met, what our relationship was like when it was good, where things broke down, what it was like when it fell apart, and then my relationship with the kids.

I lost it at my L's office. I did. I told her there is no way I am going to give a biography of my marriage in front of these people and STBX. My L told me that I had to, that it was my opportunity to show that I was able to say good things about STBX, and that if I couldn't it would reflect poorly on me. L was very strong on this point that I didn't have a choice and that for the sake of my children I needed to do this. I told her that I simply couldn't have this conversation.

L continued and said I had one shot to make an impression and to make sure I included certain things to impress the social workers with how I was an involved dad and the things I was doing with my children that demonstrated this. She suggested doing a few things like making sure I showed I knew the names of their teachers, and registered for a log in to the district online community so I could talk about following those events. I told L I DIDN'T know the names of their teachers and I'm not going to lie. Any condescending SAHM that thinks that makes me an uninvolved dad and rolls their eyes has no clue. I have been the sole income earner in my family for 10 years, and suddenly my work load has tripled with providing for TWO households, parenting the kids while they're with me, and taking care of all of the things STBX used to do. I told her I was up to my A-hole in alligators, meanwhile STBX hasn't lifted a finger or brought in a penny since she BD'd me 18 months ago, and all she has done has played 'mom of the year' and rubbed elbows with teachers and hung at community events and PTA meetings. I said if this was a contest of who could drop the most names we shouldn't even bother. I am an AWESOME dad, my kids love me and flourish when I'm with them, if that's not enough they can $*%& themselves.

Then L got heavy handed and said I had one shot to make this work and that if I didn't, it would be 4-9 months of further social evaluations at my place, making notes with how I handled my children. I told her that while I appreciated that she was trying to help me do what's best for my family I wasn't going to be threatened and bullied by her or these criminals in robes at the courts. I am who I am, my children need me. I will speak to that, I can say what I can say, but I'm not going to fight for my rights to parent. This entire system is inhuman and If some third parties want to keep my children away from me because I won't do their dance then they can go right ahead, and may God have mercy on their souls.

That's about where we ended.

Since then I planned to write out my presentation but I am absolutely stuck. I have ideas of what I want to say, but every time I start trying to visualize myself saying one thing I find myself launching into a version of my true feelings which is that everyone in that room should burn in hell.

I guess I won't write it tonight.

I expect I'll find a way through. I'm sure I'll calm. I'm sure I'll come up with a compelling and mature and inspiring presentation. For Christ's sake I'm a talented writer and professional salesman. But all I can see is the pain this has caused and continues to cause my children and their endorsement of every step of it. I guess I get to watch my children get tortured in front of me but stay respectful to the people doing it or they'll stick in more swords. Good for them.

Yes, this is probably a very emotional and immature and unsophisticated way of looking at it, I'm sure these workers and this system has some good intent on caring for the innocent children caught between separations. I'm probably like a four year old throwing a fit. Probably validates all the reasons STBX left. That's fine. I am emotional and immature and unsophisticated. I don't want anyone's approval and will gladly keep to myself. I'll wave to my kids whenever the courts agree it's safe to be around a lunatic like me, the rest of the time I'll work like a mule to care for them and solve chess problems until I get a bullet in the head like the guy in 1984. White to play. Always white to play...

[gonegrl]

Zues, you can do this. Your passion and commitment and love for your children and your marriage come across in every post you write, those are all in your favor. You know how to play a game, you know how to be strategic, you know how to do this Zues. If anyone can do it, it is you. I personally would not want to compete with you in any way Zues, you are a winner. And I 100% agree with you that this system [censored] and is inhuman but that is the way it is. Fighting the system is not going to help you or your kids right now. Play the game Zues. You are paying your L for her expertise, she knows more about this than you do, so I think you need to listen to her. I think you can find a way to present your "case" and also be the authentic, passionate, committed, loving man that you are. I am sorry you are in this position, I am sorry your children are in this position, and will be thinking about you on Monday.

[Fogg]

Zues, I'm sure I would struggle a great deal with that also but at the end of the day it might what you can do best for the kids. I'm sorry its something you feel forced to do and I don't think it will help any with letting go of the anger and resentment towards your STXB, but if it contributes to making things on your children better then its worth it.

While I understand most of that last post is the need to vent somewhere, to someone, I hope it will lead you to more realizations about you, whatever they may be. Other posters will likely drag it out. I often do read your posts but struggle with what to say. While I think we share many similar opinions I recognize some of them have small differences of opinion that are significant to its overall meaning. It leads me to questioning my thoughts and unable to form a post I am content with submitting.

I think you do a great job with mirror work trying to understand who and why you are who you are. Its all very interesting to watch unfold.

Random thought, I wouldn't have thought you were so introverted with how competitive you are, I guess I don't connect the two.

Anyways, good luck with the speech. I'm sure you will be fine, you might not like it but many things like that come after BD. Yet here we are, growing, surviving and thriving, which is what you will continue to do.

[SunnyB]

Zues, my friend, I wish you could call me because I'd have some very specific things to tell you. We all know the kids are my hot button. But since that's not possible, I'm going to suggest you do go ahead and write it tonight. And put in all the nasty stuff you feel like. Get it all there on paper. And then do something nice for yourself and go to bed. Get up tomorrow and go to the gym or play with your kids or whatever. And then pull out that paper and start revising. Reword, refine, finess it, tweak it. It's a game. How can you take the story and restate it to win the game ? You can do this Zues, your kids are counting on you to.

[JulieH]

(((Zues))

I don't have any great advice on how to handle this. I too would be outraged at the injustice of it all, and I do not know how I would handle it. I love Sunnys idea though. Sounds like a way you can possibly remain true to your self.

Just wanted to wish you lots of luck for Monday.

[mahhhty]

Z - I'm sorry. That sounds awful and I can't begin to understand how you must be feeling!

But My Man... Pick your chin up! And BUCK UP!!! You are an amazing Dad that will do anything for his kids! You need to do this for them! They have a stable father in you. You must be that rock now!