I want to not think about the affair, not think of her with another man (it was 1x), I want that to stop! Stop putting so much pressure on yourself for it to stop. It wont be immediate. It might not be permanent. But at some point, the feelings of betrayal can fade.But you cant rush it.
I'll be fine! Then bam I get hit with a vision or thought ,and it's spurred by something simple. Last night at my sons wrestling practice I was showing a picture and video of him at a jiu jitsu competition he won and I was like this is only a week or so after it happened.. and bam right in the shitter I went! It happens. But over time, it will be less frequent and less painful. The key is knowing how to get yourself out of it.
I want to heal. I want to feel like me, the only time I feel normal or human is when I'm on the mat and someone's trying to choke me out or arm bar me lol I spent 5 hours sunday at jiu jitsu, came home then went to the gym for an hour. I felt great! it's these other times where I'm not distracted. At work I sit in my cube working on software (boring at times) and bam I get hit again. It happens. Try putting a rubber band on your wrist. Give it a hard SNAP any time you think about it.
I love my wife alot. She loves me. She says "she was lost mad a terrible mistake and now I'm lost and that hurts her" she ended it right after. I do want us to be better. I really don't want to be with any other woman in my life. Great. But really. It isnt important right now. Think about an airplane - you have to put your own oxygen mask on before heping others. If you cant breathe, youre no help to anyone. So stop worrying about your W and your M and focus back on you.
it's so stupid, I wish I was a total d*ck and just said up yours and left but thats not me. I truly love her, and I have to find a way within me to accept this and move on and forgive her. I want to for me, us and our family. Fine. But to get your M back, you need to get YOU back first.
We were working together at kick boxing the other night and then at jiu jitsu as well and it was kind of awesome. I didn't see her and what she did, I saw this woman whom I am in love with. I want that back, I know we'll never be what we were and that could be a good thing, we can be better. I hate to think this incredible f*k up could be a good thing but only time will tell. I am working on me! I am doing FOR ME! Cause if it doesn't work out for what ever reason I need to be cool with myself. Again. Great. So what are you DOING?
I'm 46, best shape of my life, I beat the crap out of guys half my age and do it easily. I'm a decent looking guy, I've had women here at work throw themselves at me and I said no thats' not me. (now i wish I did lol). I think it's hard to believe the woman who I thought would never ever do this, did. And that's hard, because she did make a mistake and I have to find it within me to forgive her. Seriously? It really doesnt read to me like youre doing much. It sounds like youre path forward is to try to cover bitterness, betrayal, hurt, and resentment with new, good times with your W.
You SAY you are working on you, but I havent seen anything to suggest that it's true. What are you doing besides beating people up?
Thanks! I know who I want to be and I know what I want to work on and what I am who I want to be.
I have been concentrating on me, and I will continue too, I exist in the house. I don't make her the center of attention by any stretch, she's coming to me 99% of the time. I need my space and I want it.
Azzork. I can say she's the one that wants me to move on, to just get over it. I am the one that has said to her, it's gonna take time it's not overnight thing this recovery. The marriage will be here or it won't, is the way I look at it. I have hope, but there is not guarantee. And yes, I'm at the academy training or teaching everyday almost and I spend alot of time doing it it's.
Then how am I to work on myself? Love to hear some stuff i should be doing.. Like I said, as far as me I train everyday almost and I spend ALOT of time doing it, phsyically not many guys my age in my shape. It's the mental mojo all f*'d up that I'm stuckin WHEN i'm not training.
I'd start here: A user on here named CaliGuy recommends making three lists. 1) A list of things you like about yourself 2) A list of things that you dont like about yourself 3) A list of things you notice in other men that you admire
Then, your goal can be to take things from lists 2 and 3 and move them into list 1.
So, can you make the lists? Maybe 5-10 in each? That should give you a starting point.
KTFO, can you come over here and beat up my H? You might or might not feel better but I think it would help me!
Sorry to make jokes at your expense. What you are feeling is 100% normal, DB'ing is hard because it requires that you act in ways that are counterintuitive.
You are doing a lot of things right, but your emotions are going to get the better of you if you don't find a way to reel them in.
The lists that Azzork suggested are helpful, I did them too. I cultivated close friendships outside of H. I learned to STFU and not react. I am now working on eating better and finding a job. It feels good and these things I did for me. OK, the STFU thing I did for H, but I find it helps me with my kids too, so I am glad I did it.
Hang in there, these marital issues are not easily or quickly resolved. You are in it for the long haul, just accept that you need to focus on yourself while your w works out her [censored]. If she does.
Thanks Pho! and I'd be more than happy to deal someone an a$$woopin right now! LOL
Thanks.. My faults are I'm an open book, I openmy self and dedicate my self to whoever is close to me. I'm way to giving and caring and she took advantage of that. I'm changin that.
I think IC could help you through this terrible pain and guide you in healthy steps to finding yourself again. Maybe she needs to see her own IC.
After you get through the biggest hurdle, if W is saying she wants to save the M, then both of you need to see a solution based MC. If you don't, chances are slim in making it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
