There is so much in this post, my heading is spinning a bit, but I like it.
There is an energy in the text that I haven't read in your posts in a long time.
I feel like you are seeing yourself as you are. A gusty determined artistic man, with a drive to succeed. You are seeing your rough edges, the ways you are sabotaging and you sound ready to take a leap.
It is interesting to me that you don't fear taking risks on yourself, but instead it is the potential lack of having a cheerleader and someone to the experience with. I have never had someone have my back completely.
Everything I have ever pushed myself (and I mean pushed) has been on my own. I don't think I would recognise support and cheerleading and care, if it hit me in the face.
My feeling U, is if you can take this leap, knowing that you have your own back, whatever risks and chances you are talking about. I feel like it will be the making of you. I wonder if their is some potential freedom and independency here for you, doing exactly what U wants to do and how he wants to do it.
As for the communication it feels like this is a worthy conversation to be having. I don't know if you read PP (Pigpen's thread) but recently he has spoken about is STBX W calling him on his intimacy.
I am learning U, that to have true intimacy with another, part of it is being able to fully express yourself, the good the bad and ugly. It is what creates connection, love and attraction. Is it hard, my god yes, freaks the living daylights out of me. Intimacy for me is a request to be fully understood and accepted. When it doesn't happen it breaks my heart. I think you can only reach out to someone so many times and feel rejected because they haven't understood.
Sorry U a bit of hijack with my stuff. I guess what I am trying so badly to articulate, is that poor communication is stopping connection, deep loving connection.
I am not sure how it relates to business, but my sense is, potentially you sabotage your success by not communicating. You obviously have some sense of being good at what you do. What happens for you in this one area of your business life? Business coaching???
Don't be too hard on yourself about losing some of your business edge after BD. Zues has been talking about this on his Black and White thread.
The closest friend thing, makes me feel sad. Is it retrievable? Have you really communicated what was happening for you through that time? I am sorry for this I really am.
I do appreciate where your focus is U. You need to build a buffer of success and financial security for your children, before you can think about person pleasures and gratifications. Lets keeping talking music, and coffee and art and design as we chat, so at least some of your artistic soul can be fed a little.
I listened to some Winston Marsalis on sunday afternoon. Get your trumpet or guitar out please, start practising. I want to hear you play when I visit.
I have been listening a lot of Etta James. Driving me mad how crazy good she is.
I am so pleased to see you posting, it does my heart good.
PS tell me what you mean about me taking some chances. What should I be doing?
PPS Watch Inside Out U. One of the last scenes of Inside Out, will likely give permission to let your parents help you give your children the christmas you want. Let people love and support you lovely U!!
I am not going to get through this whole response, but wanted to let you know that I am putting a lot of thought toward this and will answer you.
There is plenty of time
(I didn't get very far answering your last round of questions about writing the next book in my series. I am still mulling that one over, but still feel like I am between books yet - maybe a comic book to hold us over until I get a clearer view. I have an idea about who the lead character is though)
In your own time. Sometimes posters take several threads before they answer, and that means there is work going on in the subconscious. When the answer comes it's usually fully formed. Odd when that happens but it's very exciting to read.
I received historic docs the other day from the IRS but they only contained my information and not STBXW. I sent her an e-mail last night updating her about the payment I made for the state tax and the payment I made for federal tax. I also let her know that I was informed about our unfiled taxes for the last 5 years and that I am getting this back on track but need her to contact the IRS for her information.
I am contacting an accountant that was referred to me by a friend on Monday to see if I can afford to get help with this.
This may save you interest and penalties in time. ---------------
I didn't see Inside out, but it is one that I really want to see. (I loved watching all of the Disney movies with the kids)
Can I recommend that you do See it, as soon as you can. Many things will make sense to you and fall in place, as well as being an enjoyable way of learning. I love simple models and this film is just so delicious to watch.
I am wondering - do you think you are always feeling something? I mean, if there are these 5 or 6 feelings, are there mostly down times between these feelings?
The body always has a state. At all times, which means that yes there is always a feeling in play. The body state is a combination of nerve state and hormones. Some states are emotions plus physiology, there is the state of sleep, meditation (concentration) and that of pain for instance where the emotional awareness is overtaken by other physiology.
Otherwise yes there is a constant stream of emotions, most of the time our subconscious manages them and they have little impact on our conscious mind. They just happen underneath awareness, at other times like your Christmas feelings they are high enough to unsettle us. Anxiety, which is basically fear overtakes me a great deal these days, but even PTSD and panic attacks are transitory and cause little long term harm. The body is designed for this!
I think of this working like an old fashioned audio mixer with those little bars when the sliders go up and down. Sometimes the emotions (feelings) are strong and other times weak. More bars on the digital indicator, combinations give us different levels. So there is a slider for fear, a slider for joy, etc. At any time these are at a level constantly moving.
There are many analysis of this and absolutely no correct one. I do like the console concept, it appears in Inside Out too.
There are several beliefs in the way I think of feelings. (This is my analysis and is my working tool, but there are many others)
1. Emotions won't hurt they are a state and can pass 2. When emotions are turned up too high then flooding occurs which can cause destructive behaviour. Time to turn on the mute button. 3. Physiology controls state and emotions 4. Emotions and feelings are involuntary 5. Emotions and feelings should not be invalidated by self or others 6. We can change state through our physiology, meditation, prayer, drugs, taking exercise, eating and by replacement 7. Emotions and feelings need not drive behaviour 8. We can heal from the physiology up, switch off genes, by extreme self care, we can stabilise 9. Managing our systems is a hard not a soft skill and can be learned
I do think that I mix up feelings and beliefs and may allow thoughts and beliefs to change or squash feelings.
Beliefs won't and can't change or squash feelings. My understanding is that what happens is that by belief we trigger a new state. Rest assured, the great feelings you have are still experienced. The body can't be in two states at the same time.
So by believing that sadness is acceptable, we feel it, acknowledge it, express and release. Otherwise it keeps coming back until we do. A little like the alarm clock on snooze mode.
I still find myself trying to stop feeling and emotion.
We can experience all of our feelings, they all have a role in our lives. Our feelings tell us things about ourselves. We need them all.
Especially the sad feelings I get when I talk to people about myself.
Sadness is particularly important for humanity and empathy, for knowing change is needed. For releasing grief and loss. In fact sadness might just be one of the keys to healing.
I was at my parents house this weekend just stopping by to say hi.
The conversation turned toward christmas and I felt myself pulling back and welling up.
This is important it tells you something. And you can say this. " I feel very sad when I think of Christmas and this Christmas is going to be particularly difficult for me.
My problem is with the kids. I don't have anything that would remind them of christmas from the past,
You have memories to share, I recollection the that what is important to me about Christmas is the traditions. Making decorations, setting tables, trimming the tree, carols, watching the Queens speech on the tV. Eating too much. There are very few presents I remember at all but the other stuff is very vivid for me.
You are not responsible for your kids memories, but for providing an environment in which memories are created and that is little to do with gifts other than the gift of U.
I don't have any money for gifts....all of this makes me very sad and makes me question what I have done. (I know this is sadness).
You have the gift of U. Absolutely you have, sometimes the most precious things you have are the gift of self. How about a home made gift voucher for each child? For the things they love to do, things involving dad, the cinema, going camping, cooking a favourite meal. My best grandad gave hug vouchers to be cashed in at any time, he also gave chips vouchers (for chips (chunky potatoes with skins) with gravy any night at grandma and grandpas).
My parents offered to help me, but then there's my pride. I may take them up on the help (if some money from the business doesn't come in this week - very slow paying clients).
This is an area I am exploring at the moment U and we can have some very interesting discussions on it. WH US and I have a thread on fins. I get this one, it's an issue I am working on too.
I am going to continue with this tomorrow - have to get up in a couple hours.
I look forward to it. U I would like to tell you that this area of communication is about knowledge and hard skills. Once you have the tools in your kit then the problem is manageable, so onice this particular boil is lanced then it will heal easily. There are lots more sophisticated works and help in terms of books and learning. We, you, I and many wonderful posters like Jelly and Sotto are all addicts get to your knowledge. Once you know and can recognise feelings then the toolkit is started. Communications will flow, I Internet guarantee it. We will also chat about the Commsame issue with your clients, a structure can be found for that. It is about routine and ritual.
Thank you V
----------------------------
I can see we are both going to grow a great deal by exploring this, so thank you.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/07/1509:20 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
If you get help i trully believe that you can change the conflict/avoidance issue. I believe that ur life would improve. Yes not easy. Avoiding change is how u deal with things. But how is that working for you?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Post me a song U, just so I know you are ok...anything. Last song I listened to Latch Disclosure ft Sam Smith, on repeat, crazy loud. Danced around me bedroom singing it at the top of my lungs. JellyB XXX
Hello, U! I was just dropping in to check on you, and discovered the fantastic insights offered by Jelly and V. The fact that I learn so much by simply reading other's threads is the number one reason I am all over the place on this board! There is always something to be gleaned just by stopping in and visiting others.
I hope all is well with you. I was thinking about all Christmases past and what my children have said about them. Interestingly, they have no specific recollection of gifts - but they can recall years when we did something differently, how we decorated the tree, what we cooked, games we played, etc. Just do your best to make the day fun for them...I promise, the giggles and laughs are what will stick with them.
When my kids were younger, I used to make a treasure hunt for them out of one gift. I'd start with a clue on the tree, and they'd have to follow clues all over the house, until they found their gift. When my littlest ones couldn't read yet, I would just draw pictures (like an oven) so they could play, too. My kids loved the treasure hunt Christmas. It made the opening of gifts go on so much longer! If you can only get one gift, something like that could really be a lot of fun.
Hey everyone - I do so much appreciate your help, though it may seem like by my lack of response, that I am ignoring you. That is not the case - I have found myself trying to write responses and continue this, but shuffle away and hide here. I assure you that I am trying not to do this in the rest of my life, but I am also feeling very defeated with every turn I make. Sounds dramatic, I know, and I am not just trying to get a reaction here, just being honest.
I will get back to responding to everyone individually but thank you Jelly, V, Rick and Ancaire (welcome).
It's been a couple weeks and not easy weeks. I'll give some highlights.
Picked a fight (stated my opinion) via text with STBX about my opinion of her locking the kids out of her house when she's not there and told her that I would never do that and I have nothing to hide from them. Also told her that in my opinion the kids should be able to talk to their grandparents about whatever they want. If they feel safe and comfortable with them, they should be able to get support from them - STBX definitely does not feel this way and secrets should be kept. I stopped fighting about it realizing that I cannot change her opinion and should have kept mine to myself. But I have told the kids that they should talk to them if they want - and this is different than what their mom told them and creates confusion.
L contacted me and the divorce papers are ready and can be signed. I have to arrange a time that we can go in and sign them. Another thing that I have to do.
Financial situation is still a little dire right now, but I will pull through this one chip at a time. I'm getting an idea of much is owed. Kind of funny - when the kids are here I make sure we eat well, but when they are gone I find myself eating like a poor college student. Reheating reheated leftovers, ramen, and even counting calories to make sure I'm eating enough. I am trying to stretch money as far as possible, without concerning the kids (they don't know any of this) I am trying to make sure they feel that everything is normal and good.
I went to my parents late last week and they knew thing were rough and offered to help me. I told them that I didn't have any money for christmas for the kids. This makes me feel so much like a failure (45 years old and having to borrow money from mom and dad). This is not what I wanted to do, but I accepted their loan. It sure will help with things - instead of an early dinner on sunday which I usually make something great (it was my week without the kids) I took them to go cut a christmas tree. we brought it home and quickly put some old lights that I found on it. WW sent back a box of unwanted ornaments with the kids so we decorated with them. (I do think that the kids still feel that their mom treats me like sh!t, but that is just me speculating - I really don't know that). We did joke about what we had - they seemed to have fun with it and had a good time with each other.
I have cancelled my IC appointment for two weeks in a row now, mainly because of money. She worried about me and actually called me (she guessed this is why I cancelled). She said that she could work with me on this and didn't want me to stop coming. I am going back tomorrow.
dreams - for some reason they have payed me a visit again. Almost every night dreams about W (not good), ridicule, and suicide. These have been around for about a week now. I can get up in the morning and say - these are dreams, not reality, and do not matter - but it takes me a couple hours to really get to a calm place. Usually after I have been at school for an hour or so. My friend that I work with - who knows more about me than just about anyone else, said he was concerned about me and said - "you are not ok" though I usually argue differently.
- by the way, I have begun watching inside out (in 5 minute increments), I am going to sit and watch the whole thing - I am accepting that this as reality and is exactly what is going on in my head.
I went to church this sunday for the first time in over 15 years. It was an interesting experience for me - not all good. I am not against religion in any way, but have a different viewpoint about why people should do the right thing. The sermon was a lot about strength to look past faults and forgiveness.
These things both made me think of how I am F-ing up my kids lives and I cry every day about this.
I also went to a christmas party for a short time on Sunday. I didn't know anyone there aside from the host, but it was alright - way, way out of my element. I am both glad that I went and relieved it is over. It was at a former clients house (that I designed and built) so I had things to talk about.
Jelly - it's the fourth weekly all-ska-monday. Yes - this has become a real thing for me - it's fun and it helps me not think too much. So I am going with everyone's version of pressure drop. toots and the maytals - (reggae - I know), the clash, the specials, will even throw keith richards in there.....come-on.
How about Amy Winehouse - mostly awesome, but just talking about the ska tie in today - (she did some work with the specials too) - monkey man.
have to run, but will continue this later
Big hugs to everyone here!!
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Yay! U. You so had me worried and rightly so from what you have written.
I am hating the fact that I am not a multi-millionaire with my own jet so I can fly around the world a see my DB friends and provide them with the biggest of Christmas hugs and love - I am actually be quite the life of the party at times.
You would be my first stop U. There is more to say about your above post, but I just want to send you some love. I love to wrap my arms around you in a big hug and tell you everything will be alright.
I will be around for most of the day, so please post again.
Tuesday morning 08.15am NZ time. Oh I guess you will be sleeping. Lol
