You know my wife and I are texting back and forth today, and again she's like when are you going to improve? I'm like it takes time you did the most devastating thing you can in a marriage it takes time. I mean try being me! WTF so, youre blaming her? AND playing the victim? Im not sure either of these are helping your cause. Why not just say "Im working to become the man I want to be." Why say anything more than that?
Anyways, I say look we have the opportunity to build a better us, we can take this shitty situation and make us better in the end! But, isnt it clear that she isnt ready to actually DO anything yet?
it's exciting that we can take us an make us better..plus a bunch of other positive things. I said lets do stuff for us, be selfish for us.. go bowling, go for walks, goto a museum.. So, she cheats on you, and your response is to try to do all of this special stuff to "reconnect"? Thats a LOT of pressure to put on someone that doesnt even know if they want in the marriage...
She responds with "well I think you want fireworks. You want it to be lovey dovey" I'm like WTF are you talking about? I said, make us better! go bowling goto a movie, go for a walk build US, an where the F*K did I say lovey dovey? So now I'm just pissed off! of course you are. You started this talk with all kinds of expectations and she isnt meeting them.
I want to tell her well maybe if we opened up to each other more and were lovey f*king dovey you wouldn't have strayed! Made that 1x mistake or wtfever you want to call it. No. Dont say this.
I'm trying to heal, trying to get better, as I said to her simple things trip me up and smack me in the face an get the mind going and racing. I want to get through this and get better and get US better.. What this comes off as is that you need HER help to make YOU better. And she isnt ready to commit to that. What can you do to make yourself better? Have you set goals for yourself?
but she immiediately reads into things and says you're putting pressure on me (the counselor I maybe doing it).. I wasn't though. Yes. You were.
I said if you want us to go back to the way we were then we're wasting our time and this is going to happen again you or me. I'm fighting this fight and then getting this BS.. the worst part, was I was starting to feel better today after our earlier talks, then this. Now I'm like why bother! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. I will goto sleep before I get submitted in jiu jitsu, I'm not willing to tapout. I maybe getting there sooner with her than i ever thought, I want this to work.. but I don't know if she get it. Stop. Focusing. On. Her. Stop. Focusing. On. Your. Marriage.
What are you doing for YOU?
I'm in the belly of hell, the lowest ever looking for light, I see some light and then bam! Why the hell should I bother, where it's almost as if I say hey lets go out to dinner you and me.. her general response would be "that's too much pressure. you just want sex. you just want to be lovey dovey" Are you listening to ANY of the advice youve gotten here? Have you read Sandi's rules? Have you read the welcome links? At all?
I probably didn't write this so eloquently as I'm annoyed so sorry. She wants this to work, I want this to work. She regrets what she did and is sorry for it. I'm working on me. I'm trying to heal for me. I said trying being me because, she seems to not have the understanding of what she did and the impact on us and me. I don't think she realizes it takes time to heal from this or am I wrong? I have listend, I have taken the advice, I've done alot of the stuff.
HEr constant them is: I want you to be happy. I want us to move on. I'm focusing on me btw, I'm reading, seeing a counselor, and trying to find me again.
I have said "i'm working to become a better me, a better man" I got this response, you don't need to be better you are great the way you are.. she don't do it for me, and I said I'm not doing it for you I'm doing it for me! I need to be better for me.
I probably didn't write this so eloquently as I'm annoyed so sorry. Dont be sorry to me. Im just responding to the words you put on the screen.
She wants this to work, I want this to work. She regrets what she did and is sorry for it. She regrets DOING it, maybe. But does she have REMORSE? Judging from the things you write, I think no.
I'm working on me. I'm trying to heal for me. Are you? It sounds from what you wrote that you are more interested in healing your marriage...
I said trying being me because, she seems to not have the understanding of what she did and the impact on us and me. This is you trying to mind-read. Im guessing she understands. And you playing the victim doesnt make you ATTRACTIVE to her. What are you looking to achieve by saying that?
I don't think she realizes it takes time to heal from this or am I wrong? I have listend, I have taken the advice, I've done alot of the stuff. It does take time. But why are you putting so much pressure on HER? You do not need HER in order for YOU to heal...
HEr constant them is: I want you to be happy. I want us to move on. I'm focusing on me btw, I'm reading, seeing a counselor, and trying to find me again. So then cut it out with all of the dating stuff for now. Focus on you.
I have said "i'm working to become a better me, a better man" I got this response, you don't need to be better you are great the way you are.. she don't do it for me, and I said I'm not doing it for you I'm doing it for me! I need to be better for me. Why are you bothering to get into this fight. Just say "Im becoming the man I want to be" and call it a day. Theres no way she can argue with that, right? Stop using better/worse/right/wrong, etc. Just be the person you want to be.
I don't know what to say. I don't seem to say a GD thing right or do anything right. Here or with her. I keep trying to do the right thing and it's just wrong.. sorry, I'm annoyed.
Don't feel that we are picking on you. Even MWD says that she may not be able to tell everyone what works, but she knows what doesn't work. Most of us are trying to tell you what doesn't work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I understand. trust me I do. I seem to find all sorts of what to do's and what not to do's. communicate, don't communicate. talk about your feelings dont' talk aboutyour feelings.
I know what I want. I want to heal. I want to be me again. I'm a happy happy person, a nice caring giving person to all, and right now I'm not me. If I could snap my fingers I would and be over it. I wish I could.
We all do ktfo. The rub is that if we had that power we would never learn from where we are now. I feel some what hypocritical saying this because I also wish it many times.
Im really not trying to come across as mean or harsh. I really just want you to see the impact that your words and actions have. I might be a little blunt sometimes, but I think it's more effective than being extra wordy.
We all want the same thing - for ktfo to be the best version of ktfo possible. Just remember...Everyone here is on your team.
Originally Posted By: ktfo
I understand. trust me I do. I seem to find all sorts of what to do's and what not to do's. communicate, don't communicate. talk about your feelings dont' talk aboutyour feelings.
Yeah. You can look out on the internet and find all sorts of theories. Other ones might work or they might not work. I believe in this one.
What for sure WONT work is mixing and matching.
Originally Posted By: ktfo
I know what I want. I want to heal. I want to be me again. I'm a happy happy person, a nice caring giving person to all, and right now I'm not me. If I could snap my fingers I would and be over it. I wish I could.
So what do you WANT? Then we can figure out how to get you there.
I want to not think about the affair, not think of her with another man (it was 1x), I want that to stop! I'll be fine! Then bam I get hit with a vision or thought ,and it's spurred by something simple. Last night at my sons wrestling practice I was showing a picture and video of him at a jiu jitsu competition he won and I was like this is only a week or so after it happened.. and bam right in the shitter I went! I want to heal. I want to feel like me, the only time I feel normal or human is when I'm on the mat and someone's trying to choke me out or arm bar me lol I spent 5 hours sunday at jiu jitsu, came home then went to the gym for an hour. I felt great! it's these other times where I'm not distracted. At work I sit in my cube working on software (boring at times0 and bam I get hit again.
I love my wife alot. She loves me. She says "she was lost mad a terrible mistake and now I'm lost and that hurts her" she ended it right after. I do want us to be better. I really don't want to be with any other woman in my life. it's so stupid, I wish I was a total d*ck and just said up yours and left but thats not me. I truly love her, and I have to find a way within me to accept this and move on and forgive her. I want to for me, us and our family.
We were working together at kick boxing the other night and then at jiu jitsu as well and it was kind of awesome. I didn't see her and what she did, I saw this woman whom I am in love with. I want that back, I know we'll never be what we were and that could be a good thing, we can be better. I hate to think this incredible f*k up could be a good thing but only time will tell. I am working on me! I am doing FOR ME! Cause if it doesn't work out for what ever reason I need to be cool with myself.
I'm 46, best shape of my life, I beat the crap out of guys half my age and do it easily. I'm a decent looking guy, I've had women here at work throw themselves at me and I said no thats' not me. (now i wish I did lol). I think it's hard to believe the woman who I thought would never ever do this, did. And that's hard, because she did make a mistake and I have to find it within me to forgive her.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing, but sometimes that's the right thing to do.
IMO most WWs start from one of two places: they feel neglected or lonely OR they feel like they are the parent. become resentful on both accounts.
Resentment turns to a lack of respect and that causes a W to start looking on the other side of the fence And that's how it starts, just looking, but it can progress very quickly from there.
When they get to that point, they're not looking for "date nights" or romance; when they make that decision, they're basically done with you, they just need to "make sure" that this other guy will pan out, that's why things happen so similarly for all of the people here.
She doesn't know what she wants and you can't expect her to. that's what these guys are saying: YOU have to know what YOU want...
so what does ktfo want? Do you know? and I'm talking about what you want for you, not your W or your M.
WWs and WAWs need to feel a sense of loss; They need to feel like you are moving on with your life, with or without them.
by telling her that you want to do all this romantic stuff, make time for her etc, etc, you are putting pressure on her because she doesn't want that and she already feels guilty about what she's done. All you're doing is making her feel more guilty because she doesn't want what you want. YOU are pushing HER away!!!
The other thing there is that she knows that you want this. She can leave you on the back burner as long as she wants knowing that she can have you whenever she wants. Do we ever want what we can have? If you ate ice cream everyday, would it be a treat anymore?
get a picture of who you want to be. Not who she wants you to be and not who you think she wants you to be.
set some goals. (IE: I want to be more assertive) then come up with a plan of how you will meet those goals. The goals should be specific enough that you will be able to tell when you're making progress.
She can't respect you if she feels like the changes are for her benefit because they won't last
She can't respect you if she knows she can have you whenever she's ready (which, if you keep this up, she's going to decide she doesn't want you)
She will use anything as an excuse to validate her past decisions until she is truly remorseful.
Be the best version of yourself and don't worry about her.
When she's ready or wants to talk, then validate.
Detach. Work on you. Be you. She loved you before, she can again, but you can't force her to do that.
In closing:
Treat her like a pet bird that's flown away... You could chase her from tree to tree but she's just going to keep hopping along. All you can really do is leave a window open. She has to decide she wants this.
