Zues - [/color]As for my personal pain, I just used the old 'convert to gambling addiction' technique. Instead of thinking about STBX as having affairs, I imagined how I'd feel if she was a gambling addict, and I learned that she had just lost her last paycheck at the casino for the 60th week in a row. My feelings wouldn't be hurt. I wouldn't take it personally. I would just realize that she was a struggling soul that gave in to an addiction. There is no surprise anymore. And it has nothing to do with me.[color:#FF6600]
This is such a great way to think about it. This has helped a lot with me being able to detach from H
So I have been struggling at work the last couple of months. I'll spare the details for the most part. Basically it's a roller coaster sales position. I fell into the trap. Things were going really well for a while this summer, I got a little complacent and didn't prepare for the winter. There is some seasonality and I got a little sloppy. Now I'm paying for it, and I'm having a couple of poor months (plus I've had some major meltdowns as I mentioned).
I keep waiting for the killer in me to wake up. It's hard to explain, but I'm a lot like Popeye. Without my spinach I'm not a wimp...I'm still a big, strong guy (in the sense that I'm always capable and solid at what I do). But there are a lot of big strong guys, and I don't really stand out. What makes me a CHAMPION is that when I'm in the clutch...when those times come when some people fall and some people step up...when it's that fork in the road where 999 people go the easy way and the 1 person goes the hard way...that's when I eat my spinach and take it to another level. I've found that being the best isn't really that hard, it's just doing that one extra step a few times here and there. When I know the game is on the line I always step it up, and once I get fired up I find a level that is almost inhuman.
But this hasn't been happening. If you'll recall my post when I was talking about not recognizing myself in the mirror...this isn't just in my head. It's true. I keep waiting for myself to kick into high gear...but it's like trying to start a car with a dead battery. It's just not turning over.
So yesterday I was talking to one of my friends that has known me for 6-7 years. He's in the same job I have, I actually helped him get the job. He used to work for me when I was a manager, he was always the top sales guy. In fact, he and I are 2 of the top 3 highest producing sales people I've known in 15 years.
Anyway...we're talking and he's SO fired up. Making plans for national conquest, setting his eyes on the #1 guy in the country and talking about how to out perform that guy. Me, I'm just feeling like 'meh, I don't care, just want to hit my goals and pay my bills, and I'm not excited about the work I have to do to get even that far'. Suddenly he says to me: "I don't think you're acknowledging how much what you're going through is impacting you."
He didn't mean it in a mean or disrespectful way. He actually meant it in a positive way. What he was saying is that he's known me for a long time, he knows the energy I normally bring, the passion, the fight, the drive...and he just isn't used to seeing me so lethargic. But he says that's fine, that's normal. He says it's almost like mild depression, where I don't enjoy the things I used to, like overcoming obstacles and scaling tall challenges. But he said that anyone would feel that way, and that I'm not over the hill, I'm not making excuses...I'm just human, and that if I can keep grinding it out now, it won't be long when I feel better and better. Then, combined with my experience and the second wind I'll feel when I start feeling that passion again...then I'll be back on top.
It was a relief to hear. I have been a bit disengaged, and I'm paying the price of not flying high at work right now. I am trying to recommit to the hard work, so I made my motivation list. The reasons I work hard every day. I will review them daily:
I enjoy knowing that I will succeed each month, rather than worrying about results I enjoy knowing that I can achieve consistent results based on my skill, rather than hoping to get lucky I enjoy overcoming fear, discomfort, and laziness, to do things most people avoid I enjoy being the best at what I do I enjoy working with good clients that appreciate the value I bring I enjoy having enough customers that I can 'fire' problem customers I enjoy being busy enough my performance is never at the mercy of one customer, one underwriting decision, one technology issue I enjoy setting an example to my family of how to play the game I enjoy making the kind of money that solves all of my financial problems and allows me to provide a future for myself and my family I enjoy knowing I will always have a spot on the team regardless of changes in the environment around me
Long post...bottom line, I'm going to grind through until I find my spinach. It's really hard, sales isn't much fun when you're not doing well...that's why I've never allowed myself to be here. I've gained some humility, I didn't think I'd be in this spot. But I'll fight my way out. And though I thought the pain was gone it's clear I'm still managing it and it's taking it's toll. Someday soon I'll find that extra bounce in my step, then it's going to be curtains. I'm going to come at Chip like a SpiderMonkey.
Thanks for reading
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I think you are being too hard on yourself. As an overachiever in my work who often gives more than 100%, I understand wanting to kill it all of the time and not be complacent. My guess is that your complacent level is still higher than most. It is impossible to constantly give 120% even when things are normal, so give yourself a break. It sounds like you were really using work as an escape after BD, so you are probably just a little burnt out from extra work and stress from your sitch. You will get back there.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Choosing to be happy. We hear it in DR. We hear it in church. We hear it in the cliches passed down through generations. But what does this really mean? How do we do this? I'm 18 months into this process and I'm starting to see.
See, we have such a natural tendency to think of happiness as something that hinges on our external world. Our spouse, our finances, our lifestyle, etc. We are told 'money doesn't make you happy' or 'happiness is about wanting what you get, not getting what you want', yet we constantly feel that happiness is just around the corner.
How can I be happy when WAS is... I'll be happy once this is over... Once I meet someone else who is more like...
I spoke with a friend yesterday. He wants to make a lot of money so he can be 'free of obligations'. He doesn't want to have to work. He believes that if he can do more of 'what he wants' he'll be happier, because he doesn't enjoy being in the rat race.
I asked him- Suppose a guy had 100 million dollars in the bank and wasn't happy with his life. But he was convinced that if he got it to 1 billion dollars everything would be ok. Do you realize how absurd that sounds? He agreed, because while it's more money, he already has more than he needs and the extra zero doesn't really change anything if he can't be happy with what he has.
BINGO.
YOU are no different. Do you realize that out of all humans that have ever walked this planet, we are in the top .1% of all of them? Everyone on this forum has internet access and leisure time to post. Would you trade this for the life of a Egyptian Pharaoh?
So why, if we have it SO GOOD, can we not be happy?
The problem is that there are two ways to try to be happier: Change yourself, or change the world around you. So often we forget or never learn that changing ourselves is even an option. And in this day and age we have more ability to change our environment than ever before. So we keep trying to change the world around us to feel better.
Then BD hits. Full Stop. Boom.
We can't change this.
Oh my gosh. What do we do? We can kick and scream. We can try to control. We can do anything we want. But while we have internet, hybrid automobiles, and I-Phones, there is no application to force your WAS to recommit to you and your happiness for the rest of their life. And if there was, there is no app to protect you from losing them to a bus crash tomorrow.
So not fair. Doesn't the land of opportunity mean that if you want it bad enough you can get everything you want?
For me this has been a blessing. As an individual that has been given many gifts, I, more than most people I know, have been able to influence the world around me. Succeeding with my endeavors, with my finances, with my friendships. BD has been a wake-up call that told me that I have been so good at changing my world, I have neglected changing myself.
Look at third world countries. People travel to these countries and find natives that work hard, have little or nothing...yet they are filled with joyous spirits. This type of travel has been known to ground people. I always thought it was because it was a reminder of how good we have it. "If they can be happy with so little, I can surely be happy because I have so much more." But that's still backwards. We shouldn't be able to be happy because we have more than them, we should be able to be happy because like them we can make the choice to appreciate what we have.
Happiness is a SKILL. And at the center of it is appreciation. Choosing to spend time every day being appreciative of what we have, and focusing the flashlight of our thoughts on the feeling the goodness and love that is all around us.
I know a lot of you are going through tremendous pain right now. I'm not minimizing that. Nor am I suggesting that we shouldn't use our God given gifts to make a difference in the world for others and for ourselves. But BD was invaluable to me, because once I was faced with a loss that was out of my power to change, I was forced to learn to be happy by changing myself, instead of endlessly charging around the world racking up plastic trophies and shopping carts full of emptiness.
Last edited by Zues126; 12/04/1511:56 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Zeus - what a lovely post. Yes I think appreciation & gratitude are so central. And it can take the shock of BD for us to really start appreciating what was right under our noses the whole time - but 'life' gets in the way. I also think our advertising culture is an aspect - you'll be happier if you are prettier, look younger, are thin, have more money, have more stuff....and so on.
But people can have all of that and feel quite empty. Then there are people who have little of that and yet feel quite full...
Have a great weekend my friend x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The other night my daughter made the comment that happiness is a choice. I was so proud of her. She's 17 and knows that someone else can't make her happy.
I like what your friend said, Zues, that what you are going through is impacting you. Twice in my life I've been severely anemic, and it was only months later after I got the treatment I needed and felt better that I realized how crappy I had felt for so long without acknowledging it or allowing myself to slow down, or criticizing myself for having to. Be gentle with yourself, Zues. There are seasons to things, embrace each one.
