Scrant, I'll try to demonstrate my responses, but the pattern will be this: Tell her ONCE where you stand, then back it up with ACTIONS. I might truth dart her or communicate directly one time so she understands where you're coming from. After that I wouldn't bother anymore, as further explaining and talking and communicating is actually contradicting the words you are saying.
I would still like to do things with you and S. OM can't tell me what to do/ doesn't mind/ we don't talk about you.( just said no you left) FIRST TIME: I have no interest in being friends with someone that would destroy our family for an illicit affair. SECOND TIME: We'll see. (followed by ending the conversation and declining future invites. No more explaining, just not engaging in future plans).
We're not a broken family, just a different model of family. FIRST TIME: I understand you feel justified in pursuing an affair and ending our marriage, but I am not going to play along with minimizing the destruction of your choices. SECOND TIME: OK. Talk to you later.
You're better company than he is ( I said yes but you left to be with him) OK. Talk to you later.
We can still go on holiday to (her) parents or on a mini break. I'd have no problems sharing a room. ( I said and him?) No thank you. I'm making my own plans for the holiday.
You should talk to S. I'm his mother. ( said give him time) I agree it's important that S feels safe and loved by both of his parents and that we should both do everything we can to encourage that.
You should have told me you were making meatballs I could have made some for you? Later... How were the meatballs? FIRST PART: Thanks for the offer. SECOND PART: Fantastic.
Scrant...when I say "First Time", what I really mean is that once, one time, you should take the opportunity to explain to her that you don't intend to remain friends with her given her choice to betray you and end the marriage. That should be ONE TOTAL TIME. After that I would literally just enforce that boundary with action.
The mistakes most people make are as follows:
1. The initiate R talks to try to communicate this to her. Don't bother. I would rather you skip the truth darts and just live it instead of talking it. If the opportunity doesn't arise that's fine. Just walk your path and she'll figure it out. NO R TALKS. Don't use this as an excuse. It's an optional step. This ties to #2.
2. Repeatedly trying to truth dart. Continuing to try to communicate how you see things differently is very weak. The fact is that once you've communicated how you feel and set your boundary of not living in an open M...initiating or participating in R talks so you can repeatedly explain this is doing the opposite of what you're saying you'll do. You're saying "I am not going to engage with you given you've chosen to be with OM". But then continuing to talk about it is staying emotionally connected, showing that you're still a plan B, meeting her needs to feel important or safe, and essentially enabling her to continue to do what she's doing without consequences. Instead just cut bait, create distance, and move forward with your own life.
The challenges to doing this are your need to feel validated, and the illusion that you can steer her back towards you (through logic, charm, persuasion, etc). It doesn't work. You can't control her. She may never come back. If she wakes up it will likely be in a year or two. And she may never wake up. You can't change that, make it happen, or speed it up. All you can do is slow it down and destroy it. Don't do that.
To overcome those challenges you need to find ways to meet your own emotional needs without her. If you need to feel validated, talk to a counselor or a friend, or journal, or post on here. If you need to feel cared for, spend time with family or close friends. The more you do to build a network to meet the needs you used to look to her to satisfy, the sooner she will stop being such a dominant factor in your life. That is the key to detachment...meeting your needs elsewhere. That is the reason behind GAL...giving yourself opportunities to meet those needs elsewhere.
WW is like a gambling addict that is burning through money, only instead of gambling away the savings and the house, she's burning away every shred of goodwill that she's built up in your heart. Time to close that door. You can still have loving feelings, and hurt feelings. But don't continue to grant her access to your heart because she's in a free fall and won't stop until she hits bottom. Don't give her more of your soul to buy her more time to avoid reality.
So, cliff notes- stop engaging with her, stop playing ball, invest in yourself, grieve and vent on here, then spend some time thinking about how you want to build your new life without her. She's already destroyed your marriage and family, time to cut her off and let her go. You can't get her to come around, all you can do is avoid being sucked in to the roller coaster and battered by her selfishness.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for all the advice. Today I was surprised by her at S's basketball game. Apparently she had mentioned to him that she might drop by but he hadn't told me. She smiled to other parents and then sat by me. I didn't say much directly to her at the beginnin, just carried on talking and laughing to other parents. She had no interaction with parents. Later her Aunt dropped by so I told her what I had been doing with morning. I did my longest run, 15km and then tried cooking a recipe from my clas. Showed the photo. Mentioned I was going to sign up for some more classes in the New Year. Noticed when she checked her phone she has OM contact with a kissy face icon which made feel a bit sick.After the game she smiled and remarked on. My cooking before she mentioned she had bought an expensive coat in Black Friday sales. I said we might have to look at the finance situation as S and I don' spend like she does. She took this to mean lawyers with neither of us want. I said no but understand when I go to see my parents at Christmas I'll be spending too. She said she has never queried my spending which is true. We left without hugging and kissing. No R talk throughout the whole time just cheering S plus I got to laugh and joke with others. Could have done without seeing her but at least I kept myself together after the initial What are you doing here question. I'd like to have known you were coming.
Contact has unsettled me. She's been in my head way too much today. S studying so taken a quiet afternoon. Trying to focus on things to do when he is away. Saturday night and trying not to think what she is doing while we are sitting at home watching TV and playing video games together. She still appears in my dreams which ruins most nights sleeps. Only been six weeks but today feels like a big step back.
Woke up dreaming about her, obsessing about her. Thinking about all the things I have read in the book and on this site I've written to myself. Time to face the facts. W has left you after a long time of lying and cheating. You don't know how long so stop beating yourself up about it. It has happened, you've been trying to live a lie for years. Okay it has helped S grow up to be a lovely boy but you have hurt yourself. You can't stay in this state. Stop playing the victim, don't wallow in self pity and accept that there is much you can't change or know. YOU DON'T KNOW what W is really thinking or feeling at the moment. STOP GUESSING. YOU DON'T KNOW what W is doing all day, if she is busy, sad, whatever. STOP GUESSING if their sex life is amazing, if he treats her well or badly. YOU DON'T KNOW why she does or doesn't answer a text. In conclusion you don't know what goes on in her mind, what her actions mean nor can you change her in anyway. You have to stop giving her life so much space in your head. Accept that there is nothing to be done to bring her back. You can't push or pull her back to you by words, letters and gestures. Accept that there is a strong possibility she never comes back, that your relationship will have to change in the future. Accept that YOU DON'T KNOW and YOU CANT CHANGE HER. So what can you do? You have to look at yourself and be the best you can for yourself and S. You have to continue running,find things to occupy your time. Don't be afraid to ask people to spend time with you. Be sociable and outgoing. Give S your love and guidance but let him be with friends, find his own future with you at his side. Occupy your time reading, working, socialising but don't be afraid of solitude. Don't let negative thoughts back. Don't give into speculation and imagination. Only respond to things which actually happen and are said. Don't cut off ties with W, show her that you have a life away from her and don't worry how she might be reacting. YOU DON'T KNOW until she shows you. Be friendly but don't always initiate, let her show curiosity and interest. Remember you don't want the old relationship back, you want something new and better. If it is doesn't happen then you want to be a better you. Someone who takes life in the best way possible. Be kind,generous and loving. Live each day with interest, enthusiasm and optimism. Be ready for the inner voices to try to drag your life down, accept there will be bad days but don't make your own life worse. Get up and keep fighting for you and S. Remember you don't know, you can't change anyone but yourself.
This spoke to me as I feel myself cycle ariund these thoughts as well. Through your journaling, you seem to be heading down he path you know you should and what you need to do to stay on that path.
Keep it up Scrant and stay strong.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
Thanks. Let's hope we can help each other towards better lives. Hard to follow your own advice! Today W texted family group in the afternoon asking us if we have done anything special as today we had a day off school/ work. We haven't replied but what gets me is I told her after basket S would be busy studying for exams. I notice she never texts on Sundays when she is busy with OM. The timing of the text today is when she has finished work and OM is back working .S not interested in replying. I haven't so far. Something neutral or let her get a bit annoyed that her left behind family aren't interested in replying?
I waited until the evening when she would be with him to reply. Briefly told her he had been working and we'd bought some items for his trip. She didn't/ couldn't get involved in texting so just replied with a thumbs up! Son is leaving for a 10 day trip on Thursday. W wants to meet for breakfast. I'm sure she is expecting it to be the three of us. I think I did well persuading S to go to avoid her turning up in front of everyone at the station. I think in the interests of LRT and detaching it would be best for me not to go. What do you think? After all if she texts or rings to ask why, I can always say that I see S all the time I wanted to give her the chance to spend some time with him.
Something neutral or let her get a bit annoyed that her left behind family aren't interested in replying?
You have to let your son and his mother work out their own relationship. Don't be the middle man.
Quote:
W wants to meet for breakfast. I'm sure she is expecting it to be the three of us. I think I did well persuading S to go to avoid her turning up in front of everyone at the station. I think in the interests of LRT and detaching it would be best for me not to go. What do you think? After all if she texts or rings to ask why, I can always say that I see S all the time I wanted to give her the chance to spend some time with him.
What is the real reason you won't be there?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Because seeing her always affects me in a bad way. I start to miss her, want to hug and kiss her when I see her. We start to act like nothing has happened . Best friends talking. She starts to think everything is normal, has ideas for the three of us. I have to start saying no things have changed. Feels like it would be steps back in terms of giving her time and me time to try to stop thinking about at all hours. Don't want to be seen as the best friend and nothing has happened. Feel like I would be helping her to cake eat again.
