Pho, I am so proud of you! You spoke up and were very respectful to your H and your D. I am trying so hard to do this too and I LOVE how you brought up showing a united front and being better parents together. I really hope he decides to go with you to the appointment, for you and your D's sake.
I am trying so hard to learn that you can speak up and be authentic about how you feel (what JellyB said) without being the screaming, nagging, wives that our H's make us out to be.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Thank you Jelly and Ep. I just went through about 3 weeks of depression, I was really falling back into "the pit", was on this forum all the time, serious introspection and really digging deep. I think it all lead up to this, a newfound clarity. I don't think it was a step backwards, I think it was a necessary time to regroup and stop GAL'ing for a little while to get my thoughts worked out. I surprised myself with how well my words flowed, how non-emotional and logical and honest they were. I didn't cry. I didn't accuse. I didn't profess my love. I did say I wanted to stay married, but I sounded strong and not weak.
I don't know where this will go. I do think H might try to scapegoat D. I actually do. And its possible she made it all up. I have no way of knowing because if we confronted MIL she would definitely lie. And it doesn't really matter who said what. It is time to get everyone out of my marriage. I am not a reality show, this is between two people. (I recognize the irony that I am posting this online.)
I am on a roll here. If what D says she overheard is true, it isn't even that bad. People talk, gossip, speculate. The "bad" part is that they weren't careful enough to be discrete in front of D, which is pretty bad. But lets face it, she probably already overheard plenty during arguments H and I had.
The problem is that H lets them have a say and invites them into our business. And now D thinks she gets a say. I feel like this is becoming a free-for-all. I have had enough. I need a strong and committed husband. I need less drama. More focus on my kids and my future. Less noisy distractions and people taking sides.
Update- H decided not to attend family counseling this morning because he thought it would upset him and then he'd be distracted at work and he feels that things are not going well at work and he is in danger of losing position and will have nothing to come back to after his 6 month "away" job.
I told him that I didn't realize things were that difficult at work right now, and he needed to do what was best for him, and also that I was here for him should he need to talk, that he doesn't have to go it alone. He said nothing. Not one word.
Family therapy this morning focused mostly on me and D- how we could improve our relationship which is pretty good except that D has stress/ocd problems and she is trying to assert her views into my marriage. But for the most part, we are close, we talk, we do things together, we are ok. Could work on stress reduction and I am good with boundaries, just need to keep reinforcing them.
Now we have MC tomorrow night. I don't even know what to possibly tackle in there, it seems like things just keep getting worse. I don't want to bring anything up that could increase the tension, but I also am tired of STFU.
pho - I read a good book about validating and promoting conversation. The best part about the book, is that it was just a list of phrases to use and then an explanation on why. It was called, talk to me like someone you love (I think). It may help promote conversation without being threatening. I know you don't want to STFU, but I think you should keep trying to stay that course. Good luck!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Just got back from getting D braces. Texted a pic of D with her new braces to H and the same pic to my sister. H responded back "I hope she was thankful to you for this." Sister responded "Oh wow, she looks good, how is she feeling, is she in pain?"
This is the kind of thing that helps me detach. H is very much in the "what is in it for me?" mindset. He believes he is a victim of everything and every body. My attraction for him is slowly fading. Sure has taken me long enough.
Thanks Dday. I feel like I am posting too much. I am really getting dependent on this forum and feedback.
Lets just say H and I just had a "parenting discussion." We have different perspectives. I view this as a conversation starter, H views this as a conversation ender.
This is so painful. How did we get so far apart from each other? At least he's talking. That is positive. Going out with my dinner group now. Will try to check in later.
I not sure I would call it dependent but I am here quite a bit. I really and truly care for you and the rest of my friends here. I wake up and check the forum to see if someone posted and needs support. I check in from work and off and on all evening. I am not dependent, I deeply care for my friends. I got more support from you people on my single post about my 7 year sobriety anniversary then I have gotten in all of 2015 from my wife.
Pho, When you said "My attraction for him is slowly fading", I have to admit it sadden me. It reminds me of how my wife must have felt. I also feel sad for your husband, you are slipping through his fingers and he doesn't see it. I am afraid he will end up like me, a day late and a dollar short. Please don't give up on him yet. I have started crying as I'm typing this out. Your thought really hit me hard. This empathy thing can really have an effect on you. I can't believe I am pleading for the guy who treated my friend like *&^%$#@! I am, even though he treated you horribly. I am advocating for him quite honestly because I am facing the same fate and I want someone, anyone to stand up for him/me.
I have be hurt by my wife also, my wife had an affair, she has said things that really cut to the bone. I understand what he has shoveled onto your plate. With that understanding, I am asking you as a friend who cares for your well being, please don't give up on him yet.
I feel a bit of clarification is needed. I am not suggesting amnesty or even a commuted sentence. Strapping into the electric chair is okay, all I'm asking is that you don't throw the switch. Let him live, let him have a chance a little bit longer. Maybe with a little more time he can get his head out of his tuches.
